JMum's Progress Journal

[spuddleduck]

JMum's Progress Journal

I keep hearing about these agreements, what is this, is it to do with AA like the 12 steps? feel im missing out on a secret club here (joking).
back to the anxiety thing, mr spuds pointed out something to me ages ago which I still cant quite understand. when I am in a work situation I can get on with people really well, be chatty and sociable with no feeling of anxiety at all. when I am in a social situation, even with my best long standing friends I get anxious and can feel quite uncomfortable. the only answer I could come up with about this is that when im at work I have to be there so there are no expectations of me, whereas in other situations I almost feel I have to entertain people/have a reason for being in company. one of my friends pops round for a visit and quite happily sits and does a newspaper crossword (still chatting so not being rude). I would be so uncomfortable doing that, if there is a silence it needs filling and it needs filling by me. bit bonkers eh

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

spuddle--I think it's a book. I just googled it. spuddle, I noticed on the threads that your hubby still drinks. mine does too and it makes it SO hard to resist--how do you do it?

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

[QUOTE=Jazi's Mum;1604700
[b]I have to confess that I'm not all that enthusiastic about giving up drinking forever!!!! I[/b] guess we all feel that way. What will I do when that hour rolls around and I feel I don't want to face the rest of the day without my "calm-in-a-glass"?

So I'm pinning my hopes that baclofen will give me the calm I need to stay away from wine. I'm so close to quitting!!! But I'm allowing myself to have the wine until baclofen does it's thing in my brain. No more struggling every night and failing, then promising myself again the next morning that I won't drink.
Hi Mum - thanks for your thread.

I don't think that there exists many active alcoholics who can imagine that they will never want to drink again. The alcoholic brain does not allow that to be a vision or a reality. At least that was my experience. My world changed (brain) changed once I started baclofen (after about 8 weeks). I hope the magic of baclofen works for you the that it has for me. I'm looking forward to hearing of results once you start the baclofen..

[spuddleduck]

JMum's Progress Journal

Yourfriend6116;1604729 wrote: spuddle--I think it's a book. I just googled it. spuddle, I noticed on the threads that your hubby still drinks. mine does too and it makes it SO hard to resist--how do you do it?

how do I do it? with great difficulty and I am incredibly impressed by some of the long term af'ers who say sober with drinking partners. mr spuds would also describe himself as an alcoholic but he drinks in a totally different way to me. he could happily have a couple of drinks every day / have a couple of drinks and stop. he very rarely drinks in the house and I ask him to keep any booze in the house out of sight and locked away (which he often fails miserably at as I am a very good hunter for hiding places). I suppose a lot of us will have met our partners and had lots of 'fun' while drinking in the days before we crossed that awful line into who we are now. its almost as if we are learning 'new relationship' rules.

[spuddleduck]

JMum's Progress Journal

j.mum, not sure what time it is where you are but it is almost Monday here..... which is BAC DAY for you. wishing you all the very best on your journey

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Here I go. Picked up the bac this morning. Came in a flat package with only the post mark and company name: Prisia Impex LLP, ordered from River. These little suckers are hard to split!!

About an hour after I took the 5 mg I started to feel spacey but nothing too bad. I also felt my arms and body in general felt 'heavy.' Not unpleasant. It almost feels like I've had a DRINK! Oh No!! :H:H

I intend to take 5mg doses 4 times a day, last one at bedtime, for three days. After that I will take 10mg morning and 10 mg before bed with 5 mg twice in the day evenly spaced for a week.

After that I will only increase once a week, and by 5 mg each time. Hope this is proper!
N+1 I guess.

JMum is on her way :thumbs::thumbs:

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

so glad you got them! Keep us posted.

[spuddleduck]

JMum's Progress Journal

looking forward to seeing how you go. hope you will be one of the many bac success stories

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

Glad you got your bac (and baclofen). I have mentioned before that at times, it almost seemed as if baclofen was mimicking alcohol -except that I was not drinking and still able to function.
Just a thought.

[spuddleduck]

JMum's Progress Journal

hmm, I like the sound of that spacy, heavy limbed feeling. ive never seriously considered bac for many reasons (mostly scared of se's) but if a small dose like that gives you a heavy relaxed feeling I may investigate some more.. OH MY GOD IM BECOMING A PILL JUNKIE! ahem excuse me ill just go and rattle quietly in the corner.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Thanks those who stopped by to say hello!

I may ramble a bit but this is MY journal and I love to be able to get things all out when I write.

I felt quite spacey yesterday but nothing that was obvious. My husband didn't notice anything different (but what does that say about me eh? :H)

I took the four doses. About an hour after each one I could feel the med taking effect. Spacey, felt heavy and relaxed but not unpleasantly so.

I did pour a glass of wine as usual at 5pm. I thought I'd see how that felt. Well, it was just as usual and I did drink it, then had another while watching a movie (and eating Christmas cake while I'm supposed to be eating clean :upset. That is my usual pattern and I did not want more, but didn't want less either :H All this will take some time. Darn, I'm so impatient.

I slept very "heavy" as if I could not lift my body - if that makes any sense. It was not unpleasant, just different. I knew I could move but just didn't feel like it...just languid I guess is the word. When I woke up I felt quite chipper and mind clear, but I really had to make an effort to shove off the covers and actually get out of bed.

Now after a very large, strong coffee I'm fine. Had my 5mg morning dose and feel very relaxed and languid. I have to go out, and it's snowing like crazy, so that is going to take a real push to get my druggie self out the door :H

I do fear getting to like this spacey feeling, and to use it as a substitute for drinking - or drinking as well!!!

But I have to remember all those who came before. I think I have read almost all the bac threads in the Meds section so I know what to expect in general. What I have to remember too is to up-dose very slowly. I think the best advice is to wait until most of the SEs have abated before dosing up. It is very tempting to want to gobble a whole bunch of pills and get high!! I can't believe I said that!

But hey, that's what this is all about. We want to get high/drunk so that the world will slow down and allow us to relax....so no worries. I'll follow the program and do my best.

I think that's Agreement #4: to do one's best.

I'll post more later as this Day Two progresses. This is FUN :h

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

And Neo, as you point out by Dr. A, once the thought kicks in regarding alcohol, its all over but the drinking. Only some form of chemical stillness can calm the mental cycle -not willpower (whatever the hell that is)

I just read this in another thread and it spoke to me. This is why I'm giving baclofen a chance to change my brain chemistry.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

January 1 already. Confused me going to Mass on a Wednesday. I asked Husband if he got a Bulletin and he reminded me, probably for the third time, that it was NOT Sunday...

Baclofen report: Today is day three and I've stuck to 5mg in 4 doses, last one at bedtime.

The first rush of SE's on day one has subsided. I can feel the bac but more subtly now.

Tomorrow I'll up to 10mg morning and night, with two 5mg, one at noon and the other at 4pm.

I'm sleeping so differently - I do wake up a few times but very easy to get back to sleep. My body still feels 'heavy' and very relaxed. I can see a subtle change in my mood and anxiety level already too. I'm more relaxed around Husband. Simple little things: He BBQ'd steaks last evening and I steamed some green beans and fried up garlic and mushrooms, but I wanted roast potatoes and carrots - Husband said he did not want them - now in the past this would have bothered me and I'd have felt anxiety - and would not have put them in the oven - then felt resentful that he was telling me what I could have or not have - totally silly but that was the old me.

But this time I said - "well, I want them, and you can always have home fries tomorrow with the left overs." So I put a whole big pan of them in the oven and they were beyond fabulous. I stir the potatoes and carrots all over with melted bacon fat and roast them at 425 F and they are always a treat....

Anyway this is new, much more relaxed behaviour for me. As well, I just seem to be able to handle things as they come up much better.

I did drink last night as I planned. Even got a nice bottle of wine. But I feel relaxed about this - especially as I'm unsure of my long term goal - sobriety or moderation?

Moderation feels more realistic for me. I'm surrounded by booze 24/7 here at home and among all our friends and neighbours. I realistically don't see me being totally AF forever. I want to be able to have a glass of wine once in a while or at a party.

But of course I want to be sober most of the time - like nightly here at home - with maybe a glass on Sunday nights - that's Husband's favourite night - dinner, movie, wine etc. And I don't want to spoil that for him.

Well, this is getting blabby so I'll stop. Progress good. Side Effects manageable. Dose up tomorrow but gently does it.

I will also put in another order for 400 pills with River. That's all I can afford at a time but want to feel confident that I'll have plenty for the long haul.

This is so fun - like a project and I'm enjoying myself enormously :H:H:H

[kronkcarr]

JMum's Progress Journal

You sound so good. Isn't it so cool to see your changes already? I'm so happy for you.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Did a bit of an up-tick (I refuse to use the word titrate!) in doses last night. Took 10mg before bed, and have taken 10mg this morning.

I slept like the dead...could not believe how different it felt to sleep so soundly. I usually have a lot of pain in my hips from sciatica but for the past few nights this has been so much less that I'm able to actually sleep in. Wonderful not to be tossing from side to side with the pain in this hip, then that one.

Drank last night but it was like drinking water for all the effect I felt. Now the question is why do it? This will require a lot of mulling over but not obsessing. I'm very good at worrying and obsessing over things.

Having problems communicating with my children - long standing hurt feelings and they don't always agree with me on topics of importance (like my Faith, conservative politics etc.) but I'm obsessing less about that. I love them, and they love me. I've done all my "I'm sorry for the past" stuff. They both live far away so it's important that when we do get together it's better than it has been.

Something that I have to communicate to them is that I too am a person, with feelings, thoughts that may be different from theirs, and with the right to speak my truth, just like they want to do. I also am a person with many faults. And these I try to turn into their opposite virtues - but this is a long work in progress. I think my children expect me to be perfect. They really get mad when I express ideas and thoughts that are different, and maybe abhorrent to them. We get into stupid arguments about stuff and for some reason they don't expect it when I differ.

Funny how when I think about the past and feel all the overwhelming guilt and shame I let my children walk all over me, or be rude, or dismissive of me. I can speak out with others, but with them I just cringe and cry and can't just be a normal person.

That's what I meant when I said in another post that I'm sick of saying I'm sorry. I don't just mean about my drinking but other things too. I want to be a real person, not just mother to my adult children. So I have to speak up and challenge them sometimes.

Today I'm going to think about the First Agreement:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

One of my greatest faults is pride - I love to argue and bulldoze people sometimes instead of being humble and allowing others to have their say even if it's different.

Funny but that's just what my children accuse me of doing. And they are so right.

Lots of work to do, lots of prayer for the grace of humility, lots of thinking to do, and using words to speak my truth, BUT IN A WAY THAT DOES NOT OFFEND, OR DISPLAY MY SINFUL PRIDE is my focus.

Life is warfare. The battle is against our fallen nature, full of pride and selfishness. I'll try to practice some of this today when I post in other threads: use the power of words in the direction of truth and LOVE

Going to be busy today trying to get my Kindle to re-connect to Wifi - I hope it's not just broken!! I know my connection is fine because my IMac uses Wifi exclusively. But for some reason the Kindle has stopped connecting. What a drag....

JMum