JMum's Progress Journal

[skullbabyland]

JMum's Progress Journal

Great posts, Jmum... btw, if it makes a difference, "titrate" is pronounced "tie-trait". lol

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi skullbabyland, yes I know about the tit-rate but I just thought I'd be different - the 60's rebel coming out. From what I remember of the 60's that is!!

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi there!! How are you feeling?

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi back, Yourfriend. I'm feeling VERY relaxed! But I am taking a muscle relaxant after all. I'm sure getting my money's worth :H

Drank again last night but I'm able now to separate the body feel from the buzz feel. If that makes sense? My daughter called and I'd had two glasses of wine - I was fine but I just felt that I was not talking 'normally' and it was hard to get into our conversation. I wished then that I had not had the wine - I could feel it hindering my naturalness and that's not good.

As I'd had no buzz, just that alcohol in the body, kinda nasty, feeling it would make sense not to drink the darned stuff.

More later - gotta get my day started - feed the dog!!

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Fed the dog, got my second coffee (with heavy cream and coconut oil) so now I'm set to fritter away some time babbling on this forum. :H

Some things I've noticed on bac:

stuffy nose in the morning;

heightened sense of smell;

the feeling that when I'm just sitting down I will have to make a huge effort to get up, but once I'm up all the heavy feeling goes away;

even though I feel spacey my mind seems just as sharp as it ever was.

What is really cool is that none of these SEs are worrisome because of all the experiences I've read about on the forum. I don't fear this drug. I know I must be careful and up-tick doses slowly and stay at each new dose for a while. I know I can't stop taking this stuff suddenly, but have to lower doses slowly.

One thing that is just a bit worrisome is that I really like this spacey feeling. Will this go away when I'm used to this dose? Will I like this very relaxed feeling so much that I won't want to stop bac? Am I substituting one drug for another just so I can feel better? :upset:

But common sense tells me no: first of all there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to feel good, and relaxed, and anxiety free. This is the point of the whole exercise. From what the experience of others tells me, the side effects subside eventually, unless doses are very high. Again, from what others have said once I reach indifference I will stay there for some time, then ratchet down the dose to maintenance levels. And apparently the spacey feeling levels out to some sort of normal relaxation.

Now I really have to do some thinking about my original purpose: I want control of that hand that reaches out for the wine at 5pm, and control of that mind that starts thinking about that wine first thing in the morning.

Rushing towards that goal is counterproductive. That's a set up for disappointment and guilt. So patience with myself is key. I'm not a bad person. I am not just weak. I've learned that alcohol will make everything better and it's going to take some time to truly internalize that that is a lie.

Husband and I will cocoon today as it's freezing, and we've had a ton of snow. How wonderful it is to be able to cocoon with someone who loves me and shows it. :h As I was racketing on the other day about wanting to be considered a 'person' and not just a mother, or a wife, it strikes me that part of my difficulties with Husband, as good as he is, could be because I forget HE is a person too - with his own ideas and thoughts, and way of expression....ah, so much to learn in my old age.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Lovely cold sunny morning here in Tank Town :H

I simply have got to do some housework today! The time I fritter away most days is criminal :upset:

Our Pastor comes around yearly after Epiphany and blesses houses with incense and holy water - all good but of course he goes all through the house, even the basement and YIKES this makes me freak out every year. :H:H

It has been my bad habit to shove stuff in corners, under tables, and sort of shunt stuff from room to room depending on who else is in the house. Our spare bedroom is the depository until someone stays over. Then it all goes in my den. Lots of junk goes down cellar where we think nobody sees - HA! But when Father comes to do the blessing there is no where to HIDE.

So the whole house, from room to room, needs a good tidy, de-clutter, de-junk. It's great of course to do this, but now when I'm feeling soooooo rellllllaaaaxxxxeeeedddd it's hard.

To a stranger our home is fine but to me I know where the cobwebs are...and when I start to fuss over this Husband always says, "what are you talking about? You could eat off these floors." Yeah, right. He says that because he's a natural born dustbin who would have had his place condemned before I came into his life.:H

Someone uses the word 'target' to describe goals and I think this is a good use of the word. So basement is a target area, den is a target area, and just keeping my home tidy and de-cluttered is a target.

Ah, well now that I've got my targets identified I can sit back and relax :H

Feeling fine today. Good sleep again, very vivid dreams but no nightmares. Body feels relaxed and heavy still but not unpleasantly so. Had the usual wine last night but not obsessing over it.

TerryK's posts of baclofen success that was bumped is so inspirational - good reading and gives me hope that if I just take it easy and stay the course (using targets!) all will be well.
JMum

[skullbabyland]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi JM. Thought I'd pop in here and post, since I'm a fellow MWO addict What is "Tank Town"? And what is "Epiphany"? I am assuming from the mention of holy water you are Catholic?

As for dealing with clutter... I SO know what you mean. I think that on one hand, de-cluttering and organizing can be freeing- it's like exercise for our living space. It can feel pro-active and helpful and sometimes I love it. On the other hand, sometimes I "over-fret" about organizing/cleaning, and I realize later that I'm using it as a procrastination technique over which to obsess. "I'll do my art project after I get my closet/studio/paper files/fill-in-the-blank done better, or once they're perfect", etc. Even procrastinations such as cleaning/organizing, even exercise and nutrition and MWO posting, positive though they are, can be procrastinations. I find it good to realize when I'm doing it, and when I allow it (such as MWO) and when I should stop, and get on to other work. Anyway that's just me

As for your previous comments about maybe the spacy/relaxed feeling becoming too nice/addictive... I wouldn't fret over that- while undoubtedly enjoyable (and far preferable to anxiety), it'll likely balance out and become the "new norm" and won't feel like a "high" or a "mellow" per se.

Great that you're getting good sleep and relaxation! I too enjoy TerryK's posts, he has a tendency to rock science and level headed posts on these forums, and glad he does.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Glad you stopped by, Skull

Tank Town is an expression for a small town on the railway which would have a water tank by the station. The train would only stop for water for the steam engine. The town would not be big enough or important enough to stop for any other reason - yes, it's a very old expression. We live in a small city actually (80,000) but after living in a BIG city for 25 years I consider this Tank Town.

As for Epiphany, this is the day the Magi (Three Kings) found Jesus in the Manger - Epiphany in one sense means something revealed - so Jesus was revealing himself to the Magi. Father blesses the holy water for the year with special blessings on this Sunday, and then he goes from house to house of parishioners giving that blessing. It's totally cool to have a priest come - full court press in his cassock and alb - and swing the censor so that the whole place smells great and 'churchy' and then go around again sprinkling the whole house with holy water. It's very old fashioned even in the Church today. But we belong to an apostolate of The Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter - directly under the Pope, so we get all Masses and all the Sacraments in Latin, pre 1962 (pre-Vatican II Council if you know what that is).

You've got a point about using housework/tidying/de-cluttering as an excuse for doing important things! My biggest problem is consistency. After these "do housework" bursts I settle down to my usual lazy ways.

I guess I'm feeling guilty for enjoying the relaxed feeling baclofen is giving me. What does that say about my level of self-care, and about just needing to be guilty for SOMETHING! That's an alcoholic for ya!! Thanks for the reminder that this will fade into a "normal" feeling...what would that look like for me? After all these years being f__ked up???
JMum

[Colin]

JMum's Progress Journal

Jazi's Mum;1607865 wrote:
I guess I'm feeling guilty for enjoying the relaxed feeling baclofen is giving me. What does that say about my level of self-care, and about just needing to be guilty for SOMETHING! That's an alcoholic for ya!!

More a catholic than an alcoholic.

[skullbabyland]

JMum's Progress Journal

Jazi's Mum;1607865 wrote: Glad you stopped by, Skull

Tank Town is an expression for a small town on the railway which would have a water tank by the station. The train would only stop for water for the steam engine. The town would not be big enough or important enough to stop for any other reason - yes, it's a very old expression. We live in a small city actually (80,000) but after living in a BIG city for 25 years I consider this Tank Town.

As for Epiphany, this is the day the Magi (Three Kings) found Jesus in the Manger - Epiphany in one sense means something revealed - so Jesus was revealing himself to the Magi. Father blesses the holy water for the year with special blessings on this Sunday, and then he goes from house to house of parishioners giving that blessing. It's totally cool to have a priest come - full court press in his cassock and alb - and swing the censor so that the whole place smells great and 'churchy' and then go around again sprinkling the whole house with holy water. It's very old fashioned even in the Church today. But we belong to an apostolate of The Priestly Fraternity of St. Peter - directly under the Pope, so we get all Masses and all the Sacraments in Latin, pre 1962 (pre-Vatican II Council if you know what that is).

You've got a point about using housework/tidying/de-cluttering as an excuse for doing important things! My biggest problem is consistency. After these "do housework" bursts I settle down to my usual lazy ways.

I guess I'm feeling guilty for enjoying the relaxed feeling baclofen is giving me. What does that say about my level of self-care, and about just needing to be guilty for SOMETHING! That's an alcoholic for ya!! Thanks for the reminder that this will fade into a "normal" feeling...what would that look like for me? After all these years being f__ked up???
JMum

Cool to hear about Tank Town, thanks. Also about Epiphany. In the version of Christianity that I was raised in, the Magi found Jesus on Christmas Day- in yours, is Epiphany a different actual date? Cool to hear about the old Latin parts of your religon- I find religous stuff interesting, thanks for sharing

As for short bursts of productivity then settling into laziness- boy do I know that feeling. That's literally a daily occurence for me! I often feel guilty about this, that I can't seem to power through after about 5 or 6 hours- I just seem to lose all my steam. Oh well I have to remember that at least I got some productive hours in and that's not nothing.

Please try to be celebratory as possible, that you're giving yourself some relief! Guilt serves no useful purpose in this case, so try to say YAYYY I'm so worth it and finally getting the relaxation and relief!!!

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi colin - you are so right about Catholics and guilt! We rival alcoholics - but what a combo with the two together :H

Skull, yes, these short burst of activity are funny, but now that I think about it I'll take them.

I do get a lot done even in these bursts. Sometimes I actually time myself - doesn't take long to vacuum, or dust when you set your mind to it. Or clean bathrooms.

I've been doing these things for probably 45 years so I should be able to do them pretty darned quick, and efficiently eh?

Progress to date: no reduction in drinking. Still two glasses per evening. Poor Husband: he wanted to please me so much yesterday that he went out and bought a "good" bottle of wine :upset: Poor him: he chose a lousy tasting sweetish red that is barely drinkable. He's such a sweetie for doing this though that I could not say anything.

And of course being the alkie that I am, I drank two glasses of the stuff. :H

At 10mg 4 times a day I'm feeling pretty good. Still very relaxed and calm. I plan to stick to this dose for the coming week.

I'm a firm believer in the theory that the body needs to be saturated with baclofen at each stage before any increase in dose. The thought is that one can reach a switch at a lower dose than those who up-tick quickly.

Tomorrow I'll order 400 more 10mg pills. Have to stock pile for the future, and be ready to 'tit' down if I have to for some reason. (that 'tit' is for you Skull :h)

JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

I really feel very relaxed physically today. But mood is also mellow. I noticed it over the weekend that I was not irritated with Husband. I have a critical, controlling nature (learned unfortunately from my mother), and as an adult child of an alcoholic I have all the 'control freak' problems associated with that.

But I feel just MELLOW on baclofen. Little things don't bother me. I feel much more loving and at ease with Husband. He really is a prince among husbands! Yes, he can be a pain, but so can I and he's almost always patient with ME...the man's a saint.

Now I just have to segue this into not drinking at 5pm. That little nagging feeling - craving? - is still there. And something else: checking in with this forum all day sort of keeps me thinking about drinking. And I may even be craving more now that I'm allowing myself to continue to drink every night.

This may be a part of the therapy for me. I am NOT going to obsess over this process - but I do! Like most baclofen users I want to be indifferent TODAY not weeks or months from now. How silly and childish. Kind of like wanting an infection to go away with the first penicillin tablet.

So I've got to settle down and let the baclofen work. I am tempted to up-dose today but have to remember that I promised myself I would wait until the end of the week - and then just go up by 5mg each dose. Patience!!!
JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Just put in a second order with River and feel much better. I've got 600 10mgs coming and that will give me some confidence to go ahead and increase when I'd planned. For that number of pills I'm paying $174 with free shipping.

In my case because I've got US border issues I plan to re-order every month to stockpile a bit. I get a bit nervous about increasing doses and not being able to obtain more bac. River is already having problems with Visa - you have to place an order on-line, then call them to give your Visa number. I was told the chill is ON.
JMum

[skullbabyland]

JMum's Progress Journal

JMum- about the short bursts of productivity- There are studies that show that short bursts are actually a good thing. Have you ever heard of the Pomodoro technique? There's an app called focus booster that I use to good effect- it's essentially, start the focus booster timer for 25 minutes, focus on that task for the 25 min, then take 5 min break to walk, breathe, take a break, then back to another 25 min, etc. There's science behind this apparently. Here's the info/app. focus booster - what is the pomodoro technique?; try the pomodoro technique

Good to hear that you're backing up your bac supply. Remember to be patient in your titration, you'll be glad you did. Going too rapidly presents some REAL problems for many people who try it... so much so that many people give up. Be the tortoise that wins, not the hare that gives up.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

skullbaby you are so right about the up-dose thing. I will certainly listen to the voice of experience.

Your description of your 'app' made me laugh :H I don't even own a smart phone or IPhone!!! I'm a bit of a Luddite.

I simply use a kitchen timer:exclamation: and that works very well. One thing I have read that's effective is 15 minutes at a time. You can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes. I also use boxes and special de-cluttering containers bought from Fly Lady (I do not have any connection with that corporation).

I can go from room to room, with the 15 minute timer on, and put things in the bags, which are labeled: throw away, give away, put away. It's a neat system.

IN OTHER NEWS :H

I had a good conversation with Husband this morning. I had just placed a Visa order with River and I thought I'd better speak up so Husband wouldn't wonder what the item was on the bill. I felt very shy going into the baclofen thing...but I kept it simple and just said I wanted to be able to decide when and how much to drink, and that baclofen was really helping me relax. He asked a few questions, but pretty much said "that sounds good." And that was the end of it.

Whew! I am always pleasantly surprised when Husband and I have easy conversations like that. He really is a terrific guy and I know he thinks as long as this is something that will make me happy he's good with that. :h
JMum