JMum's Progress Journal

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

Jmum-grat to hear you and your husband are on the same page! Spousal support is so helpful during this whole ride.

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

One question-what brand are you currently taking from River?

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi Yourfriend, I'm taking generic baclofen from River because it's cheaper than the name brands. I seem to be doing fine on it - feeling everything I'm supposed to feel etc.
JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Beautiful sunny Tuesday. Very cold but it's nice and warm in here. I'm so blessed with a good home, lots of good food, wine if I want it any time from Husband's cellar, a loving husband, good neighbours who will come in a second if I need them, a wonderful parish and spiritual director, a great sister who is my confidant, and did I say a wonderful loving Husband? Oh, and a cute dog too.

When I start to be grateful for all the good in my life the sorrowful things can be suffered in proper proportion.

Baclofen report: my memory is starting to get very short. Luckily I've read enough posts from experienced baclofen lab rats that this doesn't worry me. As well, I felt dizzy in the shower but not too horribly and just taking this calmly is what I do - no worries.

I know exactly what to expect from this drug. Talk about standing on the shoulders of giants!! I really urge others who want to use a drug to read as many older posts as possible in the meds section. It's all there.

Other things that have happened: last night I had quite bad hip pain from sciatica and even though this was a return to pre-bac pain, I was so lovely-dopey-sleepy that I did not have too much of a struggle. In days past I would have gotten up, because it only hurts when I'm in bed...but I just sort of registered that I was in pain, but dozed right off. Slept in again - amazing to me how good and deep this sleep is. I will take baclofen forever at low doses if it gives me this relief from wakeful nights.

Being a very slow learner, I just checked into the Long-term moderation threads and discovered, of course, that there are lots of giants there too, on whose shoulders I can stand...

...setting targets for my drinking really never occurred to me. I was just saying to myself that because I'm waiting for baclofen to work its magic I should just drink as usual. And this is ok. But as I'm not getting much of anything out of the wine I drink, I might as well set the target one notch lower.

We'll see what this evening brings. My target for the forceable future is ONE glass of wine before dinner, and during prep, but not another glass while we eat.

That way I won't feel deprived or freaked out by abstinence which I find frightening. Easy does it. I think moderation is what I eventually want rather than complete abstinence - I want to drink like a normal person (hahahahaha).
JMum

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi Jazi -Sounds like you are doing really great and I am happy for you. I would like to say that I have never heard one single alcoholic say that want to quit forever -not ONE. That is one of our trademarks.

However, I am truly becoming to believe that this may be the BEST way to approach alcoholism with an alcoholic; no, you don't have to quit forever, just cut back and all will be fine. Then, as alcohol is reduced the alcoholic then "might" have a chance to see that perhaps life is so much better without alcohol -at all. The initial shock to an alcoholic to never drink forever might just drive the majority away from getting help and even trying to quit or moderate. But no alcoholic in the grasp of the disease can/will say they forever want to quit.

This is a great topic that you have brought to light and hopefully we all can try to keep an open mind. The one great fact that will always remain is that when you are controlled by person or a chemical, you don't really own your own life.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi spiritwolf, thanks for your insightful comments. I think being realistic about what I can expect from myself is the only way to go.

Tonight was a 'fail' in that I was not able to keep to one drink. So had two. But that's ok - still moving forward and taking the baclofen. I felt really pressured with that 'one drink' target and that made me reach for the second. Too soon for the pressure.

I sometimes am very hard on myself. I promised I would be gentle with myself and I should stick to that. I'm in a good place, a safe place, and there are good days coming.
JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Well, I'm feeling that childish impatience with myself because I did not meet my self-imposed target last night.:upset:

And I feel bad about it too. This is such a merry-go-round. I've given myself the option of taking baclofen. I promised that I would take the darned pill and let it ride.

But of course I want change NOW. At 40mg per day I expect indifference. But it doesn't happen (quel surprise:exclamation and I'm all discouraged.

Boob!! Stupido!! I'd laugh if I didn't feel so depressed :H

So back to the plan. Take the darned pill. Wait.

Now I feel better. Trying to analyze how I felt last night before drinking. To be honest I think because I had set the target earlier in the day, all I could think about was having a drink. And I got scared - I felt panic. What if I 'needed' that drink and had to resist because of my target? I'm not used to resisting the craving and I forget how it goes :H

I'm still conflicted about drinking. At two per night there are very few who would say "hey, you'd better stop!" And so I will eventually have to take my courage in my hands, and just not drink one night to see how it feels...but before I do that I've simply got to let baclofen work!!

I'm wondering if I should increase my dose today instead of waiting until the weekend. The nice relaxed feeling is still there, but I'm 'used' to it now.

The eternal decision making process! Should I? Shouldn't I? I can understand now why so many here jump up in dose so frantically - they just want this solved!

So I'll wait. That seems the sensible thing to do and it's the opposite of what I really want to do - so in my mind I should wait. Oh well.
JMum

[kronkcarr]

JMum's Progress Journal

It may help to set a schedule for dosage and follow it. A schedule will take the guesswork out of it. To me 40 mgs is low so hang in there. It's probably too soon.

[skullbabyland]

JMum's Progress Journal

JM- I know all too well the all the feelings you're describing, but I'd say, breathe! Relax! This is a LOOOONG protocol and you're not going to get there in just a couple weeks at 40 mg. This is like, your first semester in a year-long study. This is a tortoise marathon, not a hare sprint, so pace yourself, and try to let the brain "monkey chatter" fall away, and give yourself some peace.

Also, I'd second Kronk's suggestion- get a calendar and write down your dosage increases and stick by them. Take the guesswork out- set a plan and stick to it.

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

I agree with them on the schedule, also. I record all my doses, time, exercise to help me remember what I've taken in case any SE's start. 40 is low IMO. I think the "normal" (used so loosely) is over 100 mg for indifference. I'm using the French dosing schedule Lo0p sent me.

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

Jazi -You are doing just fine. You are right where you are suppose to be.

Look, I was told early on that I took myself too seriously. To me, I was suppose to do this a certain way at a certain time or something else the same way. If I did not perform exactly as I instructed, I considered myself a failure. What a joke. Most of the time, subconsciously, I was looking for an excuse to drink. We really do have to take care of ourselves -first and foremost. You are doing this by trying baclofen.

I may be totally off base here, but stop looking for the point of indifference; it will find you. We each have our own ways of learning and finding. For now, if you really don't want to take that first drink, you don't have to-no one is making you. When I finally quit, I HAD to have a drink to even function, so my only choice at the time was to flat out stop and trust that the tools would work -and they did. Jazi -as some groups would say, just take it easy and one step at a time.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

I'm so appreciative to all who commented above - thank goodness for this thread where I can be totally childish and silly and still have many out there who know what I'm going through.

I found this on a long thread about Dr. L and his suspension:

If you are a true -no where out to go -alcoholic, and want a miracle, Baclofen is your only true way out -if you want a true way out. Results may be different if you are only interested in trying to control your intake -guess you have to decide. Dr. A never promoted Baclofen as a way to continue drinking; he only said that it could be safe if you did so occasionally.

So guys, I have to just chill OUT :exclaimation::exclaimation: I know this. I'm bi-polar along with all my personality faults - so I know I freak out periodically. I appreciate the wake up call to just relax:h

Especially spiritwolf's comments to stop looking for indifference (especially at such a low dose) but to let it find me. As well, if I want to help this process along it might be a good idea to use some of the very helpful tips to be found around this forum to have an AF day once in a while - but I'll take that very slowly and NOT get myself into another snit if I'm not able :upset:

Whew. I can take a breath now. I do have a schedule on my computer calendar which is very slow and sensible. But hey, give me a break!! I'm an alcoholic!!! Since when do we act sensibly??? :H:H

JMum

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

Jazi -Again, welcome to MWO - a gathering place for childish, silly, overly-sensitive, self absorbed, unique (except for the thread of alcohol), mentally unstable (at times), obsessive-compulsive people to gather and exchange comments. I think many of us are trying to help others, and by doing so, we are helping ourselves. In a way, I am glad we all have so many different so called "faults". It helps keep it from being so boring.

Also, the way that I interpret the action of baclofen is: Baclofen actually re-programs the brain. In someway baclofen resets transmitters-receptors back to a point pre-alcohol addiction. As such, I just have to wonder if a complete reset (or valid reset) can really be done if one is still drinking. I guess I just had the gift of desperation (fear) to quit for 4 months without experimenting.

Good hearing from you and when all is said and done, I think you are going to realize why some here call "baclofen" a miracle drug for alcoholics.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

spiritwolf, I love this, and it made me :H:H

a gathering place for childish, silly, overly-sensitive, self absorbed, unique (except for the thread of alcohol), mentally unstable (at times), obsessive-compulsive people to gather and exchange comments.

That's us alrighty!! I didn't wait until today to increase my bac dose according to my schedule - of course I didn't!!!!! What's that you said about obsessive-compulsive people? :upset:

But all is well. Thursday afternoon I increased from 10mg to 15mg four times a day and it's going fine. The usual SE's of spacy, sleepy feelings. I feel that if I keep moving I'm fine - if I sit down to read or rest my poor back I can be in a coma in minutes....weird - not like real sleep - sort of a slack-jawed, closed-eyed, dopy semi-coma. Then I 'snap to' and all is fine again, as long as I get up and DO something. Good way to get my housework done...

I think things are picking up again here at MWO - lots of new people and the baclofen crowd is active. Unfortunately my winter blues are going strong. Takes a cup of strong coffee, and the morning bac dose to get me UP again. Spring is just around the corner...at least that's my mantra
JMum

[skullbabyland]

JMum's Progress Journal

JMum- good luck, I posted but then edited a warning about rapid titration and SE's but you've done enough reading on MWO to know the deal with SE's and titration, so I'm sure you know what's best for you Do keep in mind that SE's can take 3-4 days to show up after a dosage change though.