JMum's Progress Journal

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Thanks, Skull. Your warning is taken with gratitude!!

I am noticing more spacy-ness with this increase so will take it very easy at least until the middle of next week. I'm so grateful that I don't have to go out to work - thanks to that Husband of mine. All his hard work for so many years has resulted in a retirement for both of us. I'm so ungrateful that I get bored!!! How's that for nuts????

Here's a link to a TED talk by Louis Schwartsberg - very inspiring - fantastic images - gratitude is the theme.

http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/TEDxS...e-Schwartzberg

If that link doesn't work you can find him by googling TED talks with his name.
JMum

[skullbabyland]

JMum's Progress Journal

Jazi's Mum;1611366 wrote: Thanks, Skull. Your warning is taken with gratitude!!

I am noticing more spacy-ness with this increase so will take it very easy at least until the middle of next week. I'm so grateful that I don't have to go out to work - thanks to that Husband of mine. All his hard work for so many years has resulted in a retirement for both of us. I'm so ungrateful that I get bored!!! How's that for nuts????

Here's a link to a TED talk by Louis Schwartsberg - very inspiring - fantastic images - gratitude is the theme.

http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/TEDxS...e-Schwartzberg

If that link doesn't work you can find him by googling TED talks with his name.
JMum

How much are you increasing in dosage each time? If I read correctly, on Thursday you jumped from 40 to 60 megs. A 20mg increase would be hard on me, though I'm more sensitive than most. How much are you planning to increase each time?

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Well, the miracle has begun for me. I'm so thrilled about today's experience.

Husband was out for the afternoon and I decided to watch a little mindless TV around 4pm. The time went on and I was feeling quite dopy and sleepy but nothing unpleasant. Me and doggie-girl just vegged out and relaxed.

Drinking hour - 5pm - came and went...5:30pm came and went...5:40 pm came and went.

I was INDIFFERENT as to whether I had a drink or not :wow::wow::wow::wow:

Husband came home about 5:45pm and I still had only given a very slight thought to having a glass of wine. I felt strange as if there was something missing - but I felt very calm and cool about the whole thing. Actually as we did dinner prep, Husband poured me a small glass of wine and I just put it aside untouched.

I did look at it - BUT I WAS INDIFFERENT about even having a sip. I did pick it up and look at it, BUT I WAS INDIFFERENT. I put it on my placemat BUT I WAS INDIFFERENT. And I thought I'd better have a few sips to see what would happen - nothing!! I WAS INDIFFERENT.

So the half glass left got poured down the sink.

This is just so amazing I can't believe it....so this is the beginning for me. I almost can't wait for tomorrow to feel this again.

There may be ups and downs but I feel so good about this, and confident about the future.

BACLOFEN IS A MIRACLE :exclamation:

[Yourfriend6116]

JMum's Progress Journal

:goodjob: That's fantastic news! I'm really happy for you. Keep up the positive thoughts.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Some random thoughts after my first indifference experience last night:

1) This is only the beginning not the end;

2) The bad feelings I've been having, which I try to dull with wine, are still going to be there in my head tonight and every night;

3) What last night felt like is: so there are stresses and bad feelings still swirling around me. But if I drink they will still be there, and I will just feel dull and yucky;

4) I can't make Husband happy, he has to do that. I can, however, love him and accept him where ever he is at any given time. His inner world is separate from mine and mine does not depend on his.

5) If Husband is unhappy or depressed it's ok. I don't have to flee from having his vibe wash over me. I can look at him, and observe his unhappiness or depression from the outside. I don't have to let that vibe enter into my space. Being empathetic is not the same as frantically trying to cheer him up, or dulling my un-ease with booze. (Adult Child of An Alcoholic behaviour to the MAX!)

6) There is nothing I can do to change what happens outside of myself: Not the state of the world, or my country, my province, my town, my block, my family, my friends. It's ok that some of these things make me 'feel' a certain unhappiness or frustration.

7) Our own thoughts create the feelings we have.

8) What has happened to me with the anti-anxiety properties of baclofen is that I understand that alcohol is not necessary.

9) Alcohol is not necessary for me to attempt to change reality - I can 'feel' reality and survive.

10) Nothing scary happens when I feel stress and don't drink.

11) Something good happens when I feel stress and don't drink. The good is that I'm sober, and alive, and don't have a red face, or stagger, or slur my words, or have to hide how much I'm drinking, or wake up in the night feeling ill, or wake up in the morning wishing I had not had the drinks to make me feel better (?).

12) Baclofen is a very effective tool, not an end in itself.

Lots of good thinking going on today. I'm so grateful that I have been able to lessen my anxiety so much that I can actually think straight for the first time in years. I'm going to continue to post my progress:
1) because this is just the beginning of my journey, and 2) if my experiences can help any one else I'll be happy.
JMum

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

Congrats again. And wow, you make some great points in your most recent post!

[MissIndygo]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi Jmum,

I am very happy for your recent success on Bac (although you have been awfully quiet since the purported switch has happened), but I have some concerns that have been nagging at me for a while.

Here goes..

Jazi's Mum;1611607 wrote:
Here I sit today. I am very well controlled. I don't get drunk any more (well, maybe 5 times in 10 years but I REALLY suffered for those). I drink responsibly. I only drink 2 glasses, and only once in a while do I have more, or a brandy after.

But this is the thing: I say I'm a controlled drinker but: DRINKING CONTROLS ME AND I WANT TO STOP! I want to be sober 95% of the time. I would like to have a glass of bubbly on my birthday, or Christmas Day or whatever, but I want to stop WANTING!!! :
Please explain how you can identify as an alcoholic Jmum?
I don't see it! Having 5 blow outs in 10 years and otherwise having 2 glasses of wine every night. Too me sounds like you are a textbook moderate drinker.

Can't you see that every alcoholic reading this want to be the drinker that you are?

Why did you feel the need to go on Bac? What alcohol problem did you actual have? As I can't see any problem with drinking within the guidelines every day. Can you?

Sure you get cravings and can't wait for 5 o'clock to roll around, but an alcoholic? I doubt it sincerely my lady!

Jazi's Mum;1611607 wrote: Well, the miracle has begun for me. :

What miracle?
To stop you from the controlled drinking that in your own words you have done for the last 10 years?
Every fucking alcoholic on this planet would kill to be able to only drink 2 glasses of wine every night and to be able to control their drinking in socially awkward situations. Maybe have a Brandy after.

You are no alcoholic and I really don't understand why you feel the need to identify yourself as one!

Have a great life Jmum.

[whatever...]

JMum's Progress Journal

MissIndygo;1612290 wrote: Hi Jmum,

I am very happy for your recent success on Bac (although you have been awfully quiet since the purported switch has happened), but I have some concerns that have been nagging at me for a while.

Here goes..



Please explain how you can identify as an alcoholic Jmum?
I don't see it! Having 5 blow outs in 10 years and otherwise having 2 glasses of wine every night. Too me sounds like you are a textbook moderate drinker.

Can't you see that every alcoholic reading this want to be the drinker that you are?

Why did you feel the need to go on Bac? What alcohol problem did you actual have? As I can't see any problem with drinking within the guidelines every day. Can you?

Sure you get cravings and can't wait for 5 o'clock to roll around, but an alcoholic? I doubt it sincerely my lady!



What miracle?
To stop you from the controlled drinking that in your own words you have done for the last 10 years?
Every fucking alcoholic on this planet would kill to be able to only drink 2 glasses of wine every night and to be able to control their drinking in socially awkward situations. Maybe have a Brandy after.

You are no alcoholic and I really don't understand why you feel the need to identify yourself as one!

Have a great life Jmum.

Actually I'm starting to enjoy your posts Indy!

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi MissIndy - I guess I haven't given enough history of my alcoholism to explain the torture I go through.

And I'm not going to give all my personal details again here...but PLEASE BELIEVE ME THAT I HAD BEEN AN DAILY DRUNK FOR QUITE A FEW YEARS. And these years were when my children were small, and into their teen years - just the years when I should have been a good, loving mother - I was a drunk who neglected them, and put my own drinking and dope smoking, and relationships with unworthy men, before their very lives.

When I was around 18 to 21, I was always the one who got absolutely blind drunk at weekend parties. My girlfriends would always make sure I got home safe. The fact that I did not become a slut on the streets is because I was in a family/community situation that saved me. This was what many, but certainly not all, teenagers did in the early 1960's

Yes, this has been in the past but it is always lurking in my mind - and it could happen again very easily.

As for the amount I drink, please understand that it's NEVER the AMOUNT one drinks - it's the COMPULSION.

I simply can't drink a lot - I have NO tolerance for alcohol at all. Just one glass turns my cheeks pink, and I can feel it down to my toes - so no, I'm not guzzling gallons - but I still HAVE to drink.

I want this all to stop and baclofen seems my last chance - and it is working to re-wire my brain - I can feel it already and I expect steady progress.

MissIndy, it's a fallacy to think that just drinking a few every night is NORMAL. It's not. I'm old enough to remember when nobody drank wine at all. It was never in my home growing up. It was really in the 1980s that daily wine drinking became popular at least in my culture - white, Anglo-Saxon, lower middle class, Canadian, Catholic background. Don't forget this drinking wine has become the new normal because it's pushed so heavily in all the social media - "We've Got A Wine For That" has become a cliche. Pushed heavily in the media are all the vodka cocktails too. But it's bullshit. IT'S NOT NORMAL TO DRINK EVERY DAY.

This culture came out of California, and in Canada the Niagara region, and when wine began to be imported cheaper from France.

Don't forget these so-called guidelines given out by various groups describe ALCOHOLIC drinking, as opposed to NORMAL drinking - but this normal drinking of 7-9 for women weekly is NEW. Where I grew up the only people who drank wine were my Italian and French friends and their families - and they did not drink every night either.

I realize there are some cultures NOW whose young people drink a great deal and every night. The young people in Britain, with their hooligan culture comes to mind. And the young people that I know drink a lot on weekends too. BUT THIS IS NOT NORMAL, AND DID NOT EXIST 40 YEARS AGO.

Gee I can remember the day when it was considered 'not nice' for women to drink. That was the normal in my family - my aunts and grandmother would have a tiny glass of cordial on special Sunday afternoons when the family gathered. The uncles would drink beer in the kitchen - tea for the rest of us.

However, my poor father would come home every night from a job he hated, and go directly to the cupboard and have a shot of rum - then he would be able to get on with his dinner and evening. I learned that lesson very well and have used booze to smooth the edges of life since I was 17. I wouldn't call him a great boozer - but he was an alcoholic all his life - just a controlled one, like me. When he retired, again unhappily, he drank all the time and the last 10 years of his life were miserable, weight gain, bad heart, mini-strokes, fuzzy headed, living with my poor mother who was a nasty, controlling bitch (may God rest her soul). And she drank every afternoon at 5pm - she had to have her little glass, or two, of sherry. And God help anyone who drank any of it - and she would walk a mile over broken glass to get a new bottle when the one under the sink was gone. She did this for the last 15 years before she got dementia and did not drink.

So please try to understand. I'm not grand-standing and boasting that I ONLY drink a small amount. I can feel your anger in your post. Don't be angry with me.

I STRUGGLE EVERY DAY JUST LIKE YOU. I want to be FREE from the demon of alcohol. I hope this goes a little way to explain what my life has been like. I want people to learn from me, if they wish, but not to see me as someone who doesn't need help.

JMum

[spiritwolf333]

JMum's Progress Journal

Hi Jaz -Congrats again on your progress. Also, if you deem yourself to be an alcoholic, then who really is to say otherwise? If alcohol is interfering with your life and the way you want to live then I suggest that you just might have a problem with alcohol. Baclofen helps many people to eliminate alcohol from their lives -as you now see.

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Thanks, spiritwolf. And I do understand where anyone who has a problem with how I characterize myself is coming from.

Anyone in a painful situation who is drinking WAY more than I am wants to be where they think I am right now. I get that. But it is just as painful for ME to be where I am right now.

I hope everyone is happy for me because of my indifference. I want that for everyone too!!

Right now it's 5:16 pm where I live, and I'm thinking about the fact that it's 'drink time' but I'm just not interested...
JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

I was a little bit worried yesterday about having a glass of wine at 5pm because I'd been thinking about it during the afternoon. Not 'thinking' in the sense that I wanted one, but just thinking about my indifference, and how I was going to feel - sort of that Saturday and Sunday were just blips.

I continued to think about this, but in a calm way, until Husband poured himself one. I was amazed again to feel not much of anything. I wasn't tempted to have one - I just 'thought' about it and then time went on and we ate dinner - not an issue.

As dinner progressed and there was no glass of wine at my place, and nothing to 'reach' for I again was just calmly amazed. And after dinner when I was cleaning up and getting the house settled for the night I was again calmly jubilant.

It's like I'm on the outside watching this and wondering at it.
JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Tuesday night and AF.

This was a weird one though. I had a busy day but was thinking about what I was going to FEEL at drinking time. I didn't want a drink, but I was almost obsessed with thinking about it - in general terms I mean.

So I actually got myself uptight about it. I was thinking and thinking - and when I do that I want Husband to disappear and leave me alone so I can think things through. But of course he's THERE....lovely man. I was feeling self conscious, like Husband could tell what I was thinking - UPTIGHT!!

I actually poured a glass of wine. I looked at it for awhile, then I took a small sip - tasted awful. I put it at my place at table. I picked it up and put it to my lips. Then I thought "do I really want to drink this?" "Why?" "What am I feeling right now that's making me do this?"

BACLOFEN HAS GIVEN ME THAT TIME TO THINK. My own mind was able to answer those questions: No, I really don't want this. I won't feel better, really.

So I did not drink it. The glass just sat there and I dumped it when I cleaned up after dinner.

And I want to run down my street shouting this wonderful news to the rooftops!!!!!! I'm having AF days!!!!! And I'm not afraid. Nothing bad happens. I'm able to feel the feelings and not drink them away.

This is very, very good. Up-tick today to 20mg at 4pm and just took 20mg for bedtime dose. Will continue with 20mg X 4 tomorrow. I want to nail this down.
JMum

[Jazi's Mum]

JMum's Progress Journal

Tonight after reading The Heart of Addiction a little bit I've been figuring some things out. This made me uncomfortable at dinner-prep time and I poured a small glass. I had maybe three sips - left the rest. Just not interested.

I'm starting to see that drinking, FOR ME, is an attempt to DO SOMETHING when I feel what I would really like to do is closed to me.

I had a frank talk with Husband tonight and told him somethings.

Gee, it just occurred to me that 'whatever' reads my posts and now I feel shy to say personal things because he might make fun of me....

I'll have to think about that. Anyway had an AF day today.
JMum

[Accel7]

JMum's Progress Journal

Thank you for this remarkable thread, Jmum. Read the entire thing and it's been most encouraging to share your journey (and read about your first taste of victory).
A month into my own bac experience, I'm not indifferent yet, but I think I'm calmer about drinking, not as wound up or frustrated when I don't have a drink in my hand. For me, that's a good enough start. I also allowing myself a little booze so as not to shock my AL-soaked system with a total withdrawal. But I am drinking less!
Look forward to reading more. Congrats on your new "place."