I've been a heavy drinker for almost 30 years. A "functional" drunk, I suppose. I never (well, very rarely) drink during the day, and really don't think it's affected my work, etc. On the other hand, by cocktail hour I certainly look forward to my daily reward. I've always settled in for the evening with cocktails--Jack Daniel's, or Scotch, or 3 or 5 martinis, or, lately, two bottles of red wine (maybe chased with a vodka or two if I'm not completely where I want to be). I'm now 53, though, and realize the drinking every day is taking its toll. Maybe I don't do horrible drunk things--I usually don't make an ass of myself, don't drink and drive (I've slipped once or twice and driven when I shouldn't have). But lately I simply fall asleep (pass out) on the couch. I wake up and my wife is in bed. And another evening has gone to waste. Worse, I've now started falling asleep in social situations. Recently passed out with guests over for dinner ... they just stayed and talked while I snored away in the family room nearby. Terribly embarrassing, for sure. And I know I'm ruining my relationship with my wife. She's put up with my behavior long enough ... she's told me her patience is running out. I'm an alcoholic by any definition. Functional, maybe, but I drink way too much.
Long story short, I mentioned this to my doctor--a great guy who listened without any judgement. He put me on to Dr. Ameisen's book, which I read immediately. Really hit home. I realize at heart I'm a very shy person, and have always used alcohol both to feel more confident in social situations (though people probably think I'm completely confident--I hide it well). Also, I'm definitely "self-medicating." I suffer from depression, take Lexapro every day (which has helped a lot), but still use booze to feel better, to escape from stresses and the world and everything that bothers me (much of which should probably roll off my back, but it doesn't). Cocktail hour is the way out, my release, my refuge. And now it's time to leave it behind and sober up.
I started on Bac nearly 1 month ago. I titrated up probably pretty hard; started on 30mg/day and am now up to 120 (20/20/40/40 thru the day). The SEs have been fairly severe. I've been really wiped out, sometimes barely able to get out of bed (some days I've just stayed in bed with the iPad, watching movies or reading this forum). But mostly I've fought through the sleepiness. Worse, I get an intense pressure in my chest, almost feeling like I'm having a heart attack. My doc checked me, said my pulse was fine and blood pressure only slightly elevated. But it's uncomfortable. My breath feels shallow, and sometimes I wake up feeling like I'm not breathing (not helped because I have sleep apnea, though the CPAP machine I use does make me feel a little better--like it's helping me breathe). Lately, I'm also starting to feel a diminished sex drive--and that's NOT good at all. Hate that.
I've been really tempted to dump the Bac. I've managed to cut back on my drinking--even strung together several nights with no booze--but I think part of it is simply willpower, just refusing to get back to the place where I embarrass myself and my wife by putting myself in a place where I'll fall asleep or make an ass of myself. I've still had a number of nights where I've had drinks. Four or five big glasses of wine, or a half bottle of vodka.
So I'm waiting for "the switch," but not sure I can get to the level of Bac that will get me there. I don't like this chest tightness. I could put up with it, I suppose, if I knew it was harmless, just a feeling and not a real problem. But I feel like I'm hurting my heart or something else. (Not that alcohol isn't ruining my liver, throat, kidneys, etc., etc.)
I guess what I'm saying is I need some encouragement to stay the course. That these SEs will go away ... that this will work ... that I'm not a loser for still drinking ... that I'll get to that place Dr. A wrote about where the desire to drink disappears for good.
My doc has been extremely helpful, and even wrote me a scrip for 120/mg of Bac daily. I'm sure I'll need more, though--and that brings in the whole thing about ordering from River or India or whatever to get the amount I'll need. The whole offshore meds thing makes me depressed, too. I even got my doc to give me some Naltrexone, which I've told myself I'll take in social situations to curb the desire to drink more once I start. I tried it once, and it didn't do much good--took 50mg before a party but still drank five or six glasses of wine. Suppose I didn't feel that drunk, but I still wanted to keep refilling my glass. Didn't get the opiate-off switch I was hoping for.
Anyway, I think I'm rambling now. That's my deal. For now, I'll keep soldiering on ... will stay at 120 mg for a bit, see if the SEs lessen. But I'll need to go up to kill the cravings, I'm sure.
Thanks for listening. And thanks for this forum, which has helped a lot. Any input from any of you is welcomed.
Accel7
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