Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

[little beagle]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

Sorry you are having such a rough time. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

A belated welcome to the forum, Accel. I've enjoyed reading your posts. I can relate to several aspects of what you're experiencing.

I had to try bac three times before I was able to titrate up enough to get to the point where I didn't want to drink anymore, and the third time was no picnic either. I'm not sure there is a way to have a completely SE-free ride, but if I had to do it over again, I'd go up sloooowly. And probably back down a bit when it became too overwhelming. Though, at the time, going up worked well for me. I would find an inexplicable relief from the SEs just by going up 10mg or so. I'm not suggesting it's what you should do, it's just a thought based on my experience. 120mg seems like a lot to me in the space of a month! Not to contradict myself, but perhaps taking a bit of a breather will give some immediate relief and then you can start the journey up again...

I lost my job right after I stopped drinking. Even before that, I started to think of sobriety as my primary job. Along the lines of, "What can I do today that will help me out tomorrow?" Sometimes it was just making sure I ate enough and got off the couch and walked the dog. I stopped beating myself up and started being my own little cheerleader. (With lots of help from friends at MWO!)

In a very real way, not having major projects or Things-To-Do may be exactly what you need. Because I guarantee you that regardless of your IQ and your high-functioning-ability, everything is easier, better, and more lucrative without booze. Everything.

Oh, and the libido thing? I lost it and found it. My husband also lost it and found it. And man, when he did, we spent more time naked than we did when we met. So there's that to look forward to.

Spinach worked for me. Lots and lots of spinach. I sh*t you not. (pun intended.)

Take the time that you need. Think of this as having the flu for a bit longer than normal. Remember that you're battling a disease with a really poor prognosis and you're on your way out of the hell. Hang in there.

[skullbabyland]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

Hey Accel,

I know you got some big challenges going on with the tax bill etc., (I've been there, believe me) but try to take the challenges as they come one day at a time. Finances can be worked on, belt can be tightened, sacrifices can be made. Yeah it suuuucks something fierce, but it won't kill you, and you'll get past it.

That said, I think a significant amount of the depression, pain, etc that you are experiencing can be attributed to two things- one, the rapid bac titiration you did over the month, which has been known to increase anxiety and depression when titrating up very fast (this should even out, and you have lots of good advice on this thread for that) and two, lessening alcohol/alcohol withdrawals. I posit these possibilities because I experienced them myself, specifically the incredibly dark. low emotional place of being in early moderation/sobriety.

At that point, in my first 3 or 4 weeks of lessening alcohol and giving it up, everything else seemed harder, darker, a heavier burden than it might have otherwise (if I was healther). I did have the strength to shoulder the burdens, but at the time I didn't quite know it... everything seemed insurmountable. My emotional state made everything in my life feel excruciating.

Of course we all know that alcohol makes anxiety and depression MUCH MUCH worse and is often the biggest cause of it in our lives. I'd encourage you, my friend, to just hang on, trust that the clouds will part, and that you are strong enough to shoulder these burdens. Because you are. Baclofen will help by lessening cravings, so it is a helpful tool to allow you to do the work you need to do to get healthy, both emotionally, physically, financially. It will definitely be work, but it will become easier over time (and not even too much time- often 30 days, 60 days, etc will feel like a whole different life).

It's a momentum thing. IMO, the importance of momentum cannot be overstated. The trickiest thing is gathering the momentum from a low place, but you've already started, Accel. Keep it up and you will succeed.

In your darkest moments, try to remember that your current feelings are largely due to chemical/physiological reasons. Alcohol and/or alcohol withdrawals, baclofen SE's that are trying to balance out. All this WILL balance out and you will feel better. Much better in fact.

One other thought-- something invaluable in my earliest days of trying to gain control is that multiple friends here on my MWO rightly told me that bac is at its most effective if you can string together some AF days. AF time gives the bac time to do its job, and quiets down the SE's. I'd encourage you to do the same-- Juan's Abstinence Challenge thread is where I started, and many others have too. What would you think about joining us there and committing to 30 days AF? It made a huuuuge difference to me and I think it would for you, too.

Anyways just stuff to consider. Hold on, my friend, the storm won't last forever and soon the clouds will part.

[skullbabyland]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

And, at the risk of using too many metaphors/inspirational quotes, I've also always particularly liked this one-

"Ask not for lighter burdens, ask for stronger shoulders". I sometimes like to remind myself of this one when things feel tough.

[Accel7]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

Thank you, Little Beagle, Skull, Neva, SpiritWolf, all who responded ...

Cannot tell you how much your words help. To know that others have been here and have made it through ... it's not "misery loves company," it's "knowing I'm not alone." And of course it's stupid even to think I am, but when you're in the dark place nothing makes sense. Your good counsel, though, reaches though ...

What you're all saying, seems to me, is that I'm simply in the wrong place to judge anything. I'm relatively new to bac, I'm coming off years of regular AL use, and with everything else going on outside of my body I'm just not able to see clearly. You're right--and thank you for telling me what I'm too oblivious to see (of course it should be obvious to me; of course it's not).

I've ramped up to 160 mg/day. SEs not too bad, actually. Guts back to normal, Yest managed to notch another AF nite. Went to bed early and watched a movie (Savages--of course about the drug trade) in bed. Then slept to 10AM this morning--I never sleep that late. As Neva points out, I suppose I'm lucky that right now I can just let my body do what it needs to to without the pressure of getting up for work, etc. My "internal wiring"--I've always been a professional--doesn't like that lackluster feeling, that do-nothing state, but I need to accept things as they are and let time do its thing.

Reading over my recent posts, I'm actually a bit ashamed at myself ... whinging like a little bitch. Jeez, I've been going through this for, what?, six weeks? And many of you have been through six months, a year, MORE, of the hell of bac SEs and post-AL recovery. Apologize if I came off as having a little pity party. Doing my best to look at my situation objectively, I'm actually pretty lucky: I have a supportive, loving wife, my doctor has been great (just wrote me a new scrip for 140 mg/day of bac; I also ordered some more today from River), and I have a great family who I know will help me if I have to turn to them.

I WILL get through this shit. Skull, you're right: just need to string together a bunch of AF-free days and let the bac do its thing unimpeded by the cloud of AL. And I do trust all of you that I WILL feel much better, with luck sooner rather than later.

"Ask for stronger shoulders." Indeed. Thanks in part to all of you, I'm on my way to getting those ...

Accel7

[nanaT]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

even the thought of AA meetings depresses me

what do yall think about AA?

[Alky]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

Nana, I just posted a very lengthy response to your thread over in General Discussion and I refer to AA. The key with AA is to find a good meeting. It's basically free therapy if you find a good meeting with people you can relate to.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

skullbabyland;1617801 wrote:
"Ask not for lighter burdens, ask for stronger shoulders".

To hell with that! Well, that was my first thought anyway. Truth is, I probably needed to hear that and definitely want to apply it to my own life in many ways. (Nothing to do with booze, mind you. Just...life. It gets interesting after it's not run by the booze. It actually starts!)

Sharing the burden isn't whining like a pansy. It's sharing and it helps all of us. That's a Truth with a capital T. I wish I remembered that when it's really important. It's the easiest thing to forget! So. Glad you're feeling better about it all. You are right, though, about not really being a good judge. I remember feeling that way followed by the sudden bolt of realization. Booze taints everything. You've got some healing to do! Yay, you!

I think there are great thoughts on this thread, too. Thanks to all.

[Accel7]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

While we're on the subject of inspirational quotes, I came across this one today that's particularly apt:

"AND ONCE THE STORM IS OVER YOU WON’T REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE IT THROUGH, HOW YOU MANAGED TO SURVIVE. YOU WON’T EVEN BE SURE, IN FACT, WHETHER THE STORM IS REALLY OVER. BUT ONE THING IS CERTAIN. WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THE STORM YOU WON’T BE THE SAME PERSON WHO WALKED IN. THAT’S WHAT THIS STORM’S ALL ABOUT."
-Haruki Murakami

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

I have to admit I'm a sucker for the like button. Like!

[skullbabyland]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

Yep, I'm going to second Ne's comments- sharing our rough times and being raw and personal and honest, that's what these forums are for. If you can't do it here, where can you? This is an online support community-- that's what it's for, Accel! So, I'd say there is a difference between sharing raw, tough stuff and "whining like a pansy". Put those thoughts out of your mind. As drunks, we've all got enough shame and guilt in our lives (often, far too much of it) and there's no reason to feel it over sharing stuff here. Furthermore, talking about moments, days, thoughts of weakness is actually a sign of strength and confidence, yes for us men too. I firmly believe that shit.

Also, Accel, I'd say you're right, that it is difficult for you, (or anyone in similar new-sobriety, new-bac) to see things clearly as they are, because things can be so tinted grey. Yes, have trust and faith that if this process is working for others a little farther along, it will work for you too. Just hold on for a while, friend, and rock those AF days as much as you can.

I ran across this very cool expression of artistic endeavors, and it can be very applied to what we're trying to do here- the "masterwork of art" could be seen as the end result we're looking for, to not be slaves to alcohol. And the "brick by brick" is each day we live AF and healthier than the day before. Read it with that perspective- Brick by Brick | Doodle Alley

[Accel7]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

Thank you, Ne and Skull, for the kind words. Ok, yes, I should not be afraid merely to vent--especially on a forum like this, where sharing--both ups AND downs--helps all of us in our search for common threads that can eventually tie together to form the life ropes that get us out of the bad place.

I enjoyed the Brick By Brick link. That's how it is, isn't it? In everything from artistic endeavors to climbing out of the ashes of alcoholism ... each step, however small, builds upon the other, gets us to a new destination.

Feeling better today. Now up to 180mg/day of bac. Yest I finished my dosage of 160 by 6:30 pm and ... well, I felt I wanted more. As one poster noted, the SEs actually do seem to lessen as I go up. I think a lower dosage of bac doesn't do enough to relieve the anxiety (actually seems to worsen it), but at a higher (and steady) dose, I do feel calmer. I may even be reaching a "soft switch." No clouds parting or choirs singing that I've "made it," but there is a sense of peace now ... And I did notch my fourth AL-free nite. Then, this morning, I slept until ELEVEN AM!! Good God ... I haven't done that since I was a hormone-soaked teenager. But it felt positively delicious. Wasn't groggy or anything. I just slept and slept. I'm sure part is simply the lack of AL (and sugar) in my bloodstream. My body is probably SO tired. Felt good to get the rest I'm sure I really need.

One curious side effect of the bac ... My sleeping position has changed. Normally, I sleep on my stomach, in what's known as the "swastika position" (one arm up, one down, legs the same). It's supposedly the sign of a hedonistic personality, as it's considered the most comfortable position to sleep in, so we pleasure-seekers sleep this way. Anyway, now that I'm on HDB, I wake up and I'm on my back, hands over my head--the so-called "roi" (king) position. People who sleep this way are saying, subliminally, "bring it on, I'm exposing my body and soul and I am unafraid." I have NEVER slept this way; always on stomach or side. But now ... Am I reaching a place of such calm and peace that even when in a subconscious state (sleeping) I'm feeling confident, unafraid ... at peace with myself and the world?

Really fascinating. Also, my other SEs (chest pressure, lethargy, even reduced sex drive) have diminished significantly. Dare I say it? The bac seems to be ... working.

I am sticking with this. I am starting to see that light ...

[Yourfriend6116]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

Hey Accel-- Thanks for the update. I've been following your thread. I just started 100mg today. Your progress is motivating for me. :goodjob:

[chelsea98]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

Hi Accel7,

Just got to your thread and am very interested in your progress. I continued drinkng as heavily as ever right up to about 160mg per day (starting at 15mg per day and going up 10mg every 4-5- days. I'd promised my wife and my friends I would stop on a monday (everything starts on a monday in the UK, diets etc) and when it came to it I did. Within two days i noticed that cravings ahd all but vanished. I also noticed that the habits I had formed, driving past the booze shop, stopping in the park on the way home for a drink or two, also disappeared. I basically hadn't given bac the chance to work as I had maintained my boozing. pick a day and quit. I soldiered on up to 240mg as i didnt know where the switch was. Then one day i realised that i hadnt thought about alcohol at all for a couple/few days and that right there was what i believed to be the switch. im now at 4 months AF and titrating down and currently at 140 (slow and steady wins the titration race) so hang on in there, i'm sure you'll get there in the end. There's other side effects i got/get. heightened smell, hearing, taste, you've had the sleep issues and sometimes i get a new one where im not drowsy, but i have to fight to keep my eyes open. I don't mind at all though as i'm not pissing away money down the toilet each night.

[Jazi's Mum]

Started on Bac ... But Will I Stop?

Wow! This is such a good thread - all the info is just blowing my mind - I'm still at 80mg in 4 doses and feeling really great. I have had a soft switch too - but my addiction is pure psychological - not physical at all and I have so much work to do in my head - that I'm still drinking. This whole thing HAS to be slow, step by step.

Accel7 thanks so much for your great posts - and the responses, of course y'all!!

Oh, and yes to the heightened smell!! I don't remember seeing this mentioned - glad it's normal. We cook at lot and the house smells great!!