BK's Naltrexone journey....

[Samandkatharine]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Here is another..:l
And another..:l

Sam

[Samandkatharine]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bkyogagurl;1651457 wrote: I don't know what I'm doing... Got wasted... I'm up at 2:30 am confessing I feel like a shitty mom- I have class tomorrow with my trainer...

My alcoholic brain took over.. I knew I was gonna drink... And for some odd reason I didn't care. I can feel it. I am an alcoholic. And I need help. I just don't understand the mechanics of my brain.

I will always be sick but I will not pick up another drink today I can not remember what time I went to bed last night...
I am sick.. I will always long for things I will not have... Like a mom.

Look at my strength... Its gone.. I'm weak in my head..

I wish my mom was a mom?.. I wish I could call her and hug her...
I wish she loved me. I know this is where a lot of my hurt feelings originate. Not feeling loved.
Crazy huh?




My open heart standing out here waiting for someone to love it.. Pretty vulnerable.

I don't feel scared anymore.. I just don't like the sad thoughts I have to fight.. Actually the thoughts I have to escape...
The unworthiness... The your a shit piece of shit.. I'm not a piece of shit...
I am just a person fighting a disease I will fight for the rest of my life.
Will I ever beat it...probably not... But I am still gonna try...

Thank you my friends for being here... I need you. No dramatics tonight just a drunk being a drunk... No fighting with the husband no embarrassing my kids just being drunk..
It will be interesting to read this in the morn and for days to come.. I will go to a womens group tonight for addiction because I am an addict.

I wish I could crawl inside someone's arms right now and feel the warmth of a sincere hug and know I am safe...
But I can't because it's all virtual.... Virtual... Does Virtual mean not real. Maybe that is exactly what Stuck meant...

BK,
One more thing... We addicts are perfectionists. My husband pointed this out to me yesterday. I always thought he was one, but I'm the one who has to exercise perfectly, have the perfect kid, school, house, ect... When it's not perfect I used to get down on myself and drink to get ride of the ensuing anxiety. Now that alcohol is not my go to fix, I have only myself to commiserate with. Don't get so down on yourself...:H easy for me to say...
Come here and check in, drinking or not. We don't care!

Take care of yourself. Let the trainer have a few days off.

Sam

[YouKayBee]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Samandkatharine;1651540 wrote: BK,
One more thing... We addicts are perfectionists. My husband pointed this out to me yesterday. I always thought he was one, but I'm the one who has to exercise perfectly, have the perfect kid, school, house, ect... When it's not perfect I used to get down on myself and drink to get ride of the ensuing anxiety. Now that alcohol is not my go to fix, I have only myself to commiserate with. Don't get so down on yourself...:H easy for me to say...
Come here and check in, drinking or not. We don't care!

Take care of yourself. Let the trainer have a few days off.

Sam

I think acceptance is a massive thing, and very difficult to do.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Thanks ladies... I needed that. I really think I am learning a lot about myself and I am recognizing the feelings that contribute to my drinking. I used to self loath so bad that I didn't look at the underlying stuff.. The emotions that were there.
It's nice to put the self hatred aside and really look into those feelings. And I guess...
Feel them. It's ok that I feel sad that my mom and I don't have a relationship. It's ok that I feel safer here with all of you than I do with any in person friend. I wonder if that is because I can control our friendship to a degree.

Sam- you are right about being perfectionists.. It completely stresses me out when my house is a mess. Great mention.

[StuckinLA]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bkyogagurl;1651457 wrote:
I wish I could crawl inside someone's arms right now and feel the warmth of a sincere hug and know I am safe...
But I can't because it's all virtual.... Virtual... Does Virtual mean not real. Maybe that is exactly what Stuck meant...

Nah, that's not what I meant. Now's not the time for the details, but in a lot of the philosophy I'm working with for my dissertation Virtual is more real than the real. You, and I, and all of us can in a lot of ways be more ourselves here than anywhere else.

That's not gonna help with the warmth of real arms to curl up in, but this way at least you don't have to slap me for trying to get fresh.

It's just a little stumble, no harm no foul. Be kind to yourself. Big hugs, sweetie. :l:l:l

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Stuck... You brought tears to my eyes... Thank you. SO MUUCH.:huggy

I totally agree with you that I can be myself here... Much more than any where else in my life.

Stuck are you sober? I'm not being a smart ass I just was wondering if you are moderating.. I will read your thread..

[StuckinLA]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bkyogagurl;1651582 wrote:
Stuck are you sober? I'm not being a smart ass I just was wondering if you are moderating.. I will read your thread..

I don't like the word "sober" very much, so I'll just say that I have not drank alcohol for... I want to say 5 weeks... (checking calendar) yeah, 5 weeks. Today, actually.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

I was reading some of your thread... Gonna go back and read more..

How come you don't like the word "sober" I have a hunch but want to hear it from you.

5 weeks is a good thing... I will working on another AF stint I hope. Fingers crossed.

[Samandkatharine]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Hi BK,

How are you today?

Sam

[StuckinLA]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bkyogagurl;1651682 wrote:
How come you don't like the word "sober" I have a hunch but want to hear it from you.

Sobriety is too tied up with the 12-steps for my liking. It's totally possible to be 'not sober enough' in that world - like if you're abstinent but not happy, or not completely given over to faith and 'honesty,' then you're still living alcoholically. Or if you take a xanax for a panic attack or smoke a little weed you're not 'sober'. Bullsh*t. I'm not addicted to pills or weed, so f**k off. It takes away all individual agency, and there's always some self-righteous motherf**ker out there who's going to tell you how to live, what to feel, and it's completely circular since anything you say can immediately be countered with the claim that 'you're not being honest with yourself'.

It also implies a sense of fragility. At any moment one's 'sobriety' can be threatened, you always have to be on guard, and feeling safe or confident or relaxed makes you the most vulnerable. How f**ked is that? All I want is to feel confident and relaxed and safe. One slip, and Sober time is flushed right down the drain - like the 7 months last year that I lived, worked, wrote, began dating my girlfriend, none of that 'counts' because I drank for a while, and now have to 'start over'. Anyone who believes that can go eat a bag of dicks, as far as I'm concerned. We have a limited amount of time here on earth, and all of it counts. It's all just a continuum of experience anyway - time spent 'sober,' drunk, daydreaming, reading and imagining other worlds and other lives and all the time kind of lost in my own head, that's just life, man. That's all we get and I get real tired of others putting value-judgments on what's 'worthwhile' like they, too, aren't on their way to a grave.

So that's why I don't like 'Sober' or 'Recovery' or any of that sh*t. There are useful tools that can be taken from that world, though I don't much care for the term 'tools' either, and I don't begrudge anyone who finds comfort in AA. But when I am not drinking I choose to say simply that I am abstinent from alcohol for whatever period of time.

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

STUCK! I virtually LOVE you! :dancin:

I can totally relate to your post. I don't like counting days because then whatever X is (not drinking, not smoking, or whatever the behavior is) then X seems to control one's existence.
There is more to me than alcohol. Or cigarettes. Or fudge brownies. Whether I'm skinny or fat, drunk or sober, smoking or non smoking, I can make people laugh and smile. I can feel their love and know that I am loved back.

Yes, I make choices. Yes, I f*ck up and make "wrong" choices- but at the end of the day, I own them. I don't want to be a "victim" of any sorts, and in my brain, if some behavior has the power to define my existence, the next step is to be the victim of said behavior.

Yogagurl, I was in the Army and in Desert Storm for 6 months- and when I was pregnant with my 4 children, I didn't drink during the pregnancies or while nursing. Other than those time frames, I'm pretty sure I was "always" drinking. There is a difference between the casual drinking when I was younger, and recently, when I could easily uncork two bottles of red in a night, and tell myself it was "no big deal"... the thing is, for me it wasn't a big deal, but for my 18 year old son, it was enough of an issue that he started spending all of his free time at his friend's house- he'd work all day Saturday, come home at midnight, and then on Sunday, get up early to go to their church and would stay all day- it was breaking my heart that he was "checking out" of our family and checking in to theirs.... (plus they are a very nice, religious non-drinking conservative family- everything I wasn't!). He is finally believing me that I won't be drinking, and I have to take ownership that it was my behavior that was pushing him away- he just wouldn't say anything to hurt us. It is heartwarming for him to be back home.

With all that being said, here's a virtual hug to you, my friend-- be kind to yourself. :groupluv:

:hug: Patty

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Sam- you sweetie pie thank you for thinking of me... I pretty much thru the post anxiety AL brings. Will hit the gym tomorrow and try and make up Monday. You know me... Eye of the tiger... I just get so emotional sometimes..
How the heck are you? I read on another thread you weren't feeling well and had some awful thing called paws from bac???
Hope you are feeling better. Give me a heads up.

Stuck... Totally agree with you.. I hate counting days because it makes me feel like such a failure when I slip. Like I have to give those days back. I gotta tell you friend... Sometimes your delivery of thoughts seems shitty but I am seeing an authentic and warm hearted you shining thru... It's cool. I really want to thank you for your kind post when I was feeling low.
It meant a lot coming from you cause your such a grumpy ass sometimes...
Authenticity huh.

Patty- thanks for sharing your story as it makes me really think about things... Right now we are the house where kids like to come... As I live my facade.. I usually won't drink when my kids have friends over..
Thanks for stopping... Much appreciate again. You warmth is always felt.

Well I made it thru another anxiety filled couple of days and am hoping for an awesome one tomorrow. I gotta hit the sack. Talk to you tomorrow.
:sendinglove: all of you... I'm practicing saying it cause it sounds nice.

[YouKayBee]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Have a good day today BK.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Thank you YouKayBee.. I appreciate you always being around and letting me know you care.

I hope you are having a good day too.
Fill me in sometime in the happenings in your world.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

I am starting to level out but the brain fog is still looming. I am hoping a good workout will clear the remainder of it. I will be diligently following my meal plan hoping to refuel my body as it's been tough to eat the past days. I think Nal contributed to me not being able to as I usually can eat like a horse. It's unhealthy and your body needs those nutrients to heal.
One of things I don't like about Nal.

My new meal plan include glutamine and fish oils and and healthy balance of meals. It seems when I stay near these health plans don't have as my thoughts of drinking...
It's funny because I don't think I crave alcohol.. I think about it. I use it when I'm scared or sad. I want to sort out these feelings. I think the whole overwhelming unworthiness steps in and causes havoc. I sure would like to become familiar with these feelings and crazy sounding... Befriend them.

I'm a pretty cool chick. With a good heart. I shouldn't be feeling shitty about myself.

One totally awesome thing that happened thru all of this is....
The Husband. He was giving a whole new level of support after this episode...
Made me feel loved. His compassion surpassed anything I thought he was capable of.
He texted with me and shared his thoughts and some of his insecurities that he has been feeling. We connected on a whole new level.
Now I don't want to be thankful for drinking to have this happen.... But it may just be the extra love I need to get me thru some more abstinent days... Like a million..
I told him I would like to try and make 60 days but wish for 6 months as I have read that it really helps your brain recover but who knows how long that takes.. He said to me.. "I just love you a lot" that touched me.
I just feel if I could get another stint under my belt my progress would be that much further along..
I love my husband today for being the man I needed him to be. I am feeling closer than ever to him...


I am sending out much love and warmth to my sweet friends
:l