BK's Naltrexone journey....

[StuckinLA]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Hi BK. Traveling is good. It's tiring. I haven't been anywhere for more than 2 nights in over 2 weeks. Spent one night on a ferry across the Adriatic. Am currently in a small hotel in Venice, having the free breakfast, surrounded by Brits. They are complaining about tea.

60 days AF. Or 61? Something like that. Of course you can do it, BK.

[YouKayBee]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bkyogagurl;1660178 wrote: Interesting read... Especially because I just did..

Alcoholic Recovery. Is Relapse Necessary?

Agree completely. I had umpteen relapses before I got to a point where I was prepared to do anything to fix the problem and further relapse just wasn't an issue. I think this is what some people mean by 'rock bottom'. Some people need to go through it, others do not.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

StuckinLA;1660204 wrote: Hi BK. Traveling is good. It's tiring. I haven't been anywhere for more than 2 nights in over 2 weeks. Spent one night on a ferry across the Adriatic. Am currently in a small hotel in Venice, having the free breakfast, surrounded by Brits. They are complaining about tea.

60 days AF. Or 61? Something like that. Of course you can do it, BK.

Well shit Stuck... A friggin vacation in another country should at least be relaxing...
So cool you are vacationing abstinent 61 days totally rocks! Feels probably really good too.
I hope I make it that long. I want too. I don't know how many times I have to poison my time with AL and let it chain me up.. I keep telling myself it's part of my process and I am getting there.
:l

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

YouKayBee;1660265 wrote: Agree completely. I had umpteen relapses before I got to a point where I was prepared to do anything to fix the problem and further relapse just wasn't an issue. I think this is what some people mean by 'rock bottom'. Some people need to go through it, others do not.

YKB- I sure hope I don't need to hit the proverbial rock bottom... I'm ready now to make changes I'm just making them one at time. Even tho I am relapsing I am coming out on the stronger side and digging into those deep scars I'm trying to release... Learning to forgive myself and not self loath has been a step in the right direction. My trainer is a cool dude and it kinda teaching me that it's today that matters not yesterday.. I told him what happened this last weekend and he didn't chastise me or even say anything negative... He reinforce the fact that I need to give him solid days on my meal plan and that I am a champion...

If I want to be.

It's all a big fat choice and what I make of it is up to me...

How are you friend? Are you buried under a pile of books.. I hope you are taking care of you.
Thanks for being here thru the good and the bad.... I appreciate you and am grateful that I met you.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

jane27;1660284 wrote: Hi BK, back read thru page 4 now ( figure I'll do 2 days at a clip). I could totally relate to not going to your Uncles funeral. I've not gone to a number of things that I was expected to, and had no regrets, including my grandmothers funeral. We weren't super close but did share something...mostly in the exchange of letters. Months after she passed away my cousins and aunt cleaned up her apartment and she had saved every letter I ever sent her. I like to believe that she got me, and I hope she knew I appreciated her in my own way. I'm not yet done feeling generally amazed by how easily the masses adopt certain behaviors 'because it's family'. "You do xyz even though you may not want to, because it's family." Not over here I don't. That's a brooooooaaaaaddddd term and it means different things for different people. It's the same with lots of things actually; people do what everyone else does, or say nothing when they think differently. I never want to be the worlds biggest shit stirrer, but I can't imagine just plodding along without having a personal feeling about things. For years, I felt nothing at all because I taught myself to. Undoing that was 4x as hard as it was to numb out.

About me, I'm 43. I've invested a lot of time and $ in psychotherapy over the years. I started drinking regularly when I was 29 ish. I decided to "become an alcoholic for a year or 2" when I was 33, (as a coping mechanism for dealing with my mother whom I had recently gotten back together with). I swang/swung from branches for a good 3 to 4 years after that ( those were the relatively fun times). By the time I was 38, I knew I had a problem. That was highlighted by seeing a close friend go through acute liver failure & a transplant. 38 to 40 was rough; there was still a high to be had drinking, but I was traumatized by what I had seen. 40 to 41 the party was over, but I kept on trying. 42 was sad, ugly, and bottom of the barrel. I started to look as banged up as I felt. Tried to quit and lasted for 57 days. Drank with no holds barred after that until quitting in January of this year.

Meds are a part of my life. Armour thyroid does seem to work for me. Synthroid gave me dark thoughts. Not Jeffrey Dahmer dark, but negative and ominous dark....maybe slightly pointing towards suicidal. I tried Topimax and that worked to kill my cravings for alcohol, and I was please to find that I was never hungry, but it made me really depressed also, so I had to stop.

Today is day 126, and I'm pushing through. I'm from NY but live in NJ now. I spend a bit of time in Florida. Married my BF of 10 years last July. I fave 2 stepsons 14 & 18. Big dog lover. Recently down to 1 shiba inu. used to have 4. You're from Cali, is that right? What's your ALL story?

Thinking of you and wishing you strength today. Xoxo

Jane- your so cool. I can totally relate to the feeling nothing and just plodding along... I suppose I did something similar as I was a huge people pleaser. I would do and say anything to fit in or be loved... Lost my identity so to speak.. I couldn't handle it and when I did start to speak up... Talk about being considered a shit stirrer... But you know what I'm entitled to my feelings and my thoughts about things. Almost got a divorce because I no longer agreed with all of my husbands ideas.. But we made it.

Seems that I read more and more about women starting to drink in their late 30's. Maybe stresses of life just catch up and it is a coping mechanism. I think a huge roll in it is our hormones changing. Trying to deal with that is huge... I had a horrible time when they put me on meds.. Antidepressants and bioidenticals.. Did not help a bit. I'm on nothing now but am considering a light antidepressant as a doctor I talked to suggested it again.. Said there is no need to try to handle this time without medication.. It's just pharmacuetical stuff really seems to mess with me.. I would be interested in finding out more info on your amour thyroid??

My story: long story short is I come from to parents who are addicts. And still are. I have no relationship with them. I did drugs with mom when I was 13-14 years old and almost went down the same drug road but managed to break away when I was 23. But I kept the AL in my life. I have always been somewhat responsible and hold a job. Binge drinking was and is my game. I have stopped and started drinking all thru out my adult life. In my 20's I wrecked car after car and almost killed myself. I met my wonderful husband (well he is wonderful this week anyway) when I was 28 and we promptly had a child & got married in that order which slowed my destructive drinking down quite a bit. Being pregnant was good for me because I would not drink a drop while I had that little life inside me. Had 2 more kiddos. I think that is one thing that saved me from becoming a full blown alcoholic.. Those breaks being pregnant. It my early 40's the demands of being a mom, wife and wanting a perfect body took a toll on me so I started abusing diet pills which sent my drinking on to a new level because you can take a couple of those and drink 2 bottles of wine and wake up with no hangover.... BUT.... IT DOESNT LAST FOREVER.. Like any drug. I started having what I thought might be heart attacks... Scared me. I think maybe they were anxiety attacks but who knows... I didn't want to die (even tho I have struggled with suicidial thoughts most my life)
Then Whitney Houston died from drug/alcohol stuff and it scared me shitless.. I dumped all of my prescripts down the drain and started my detox from them it took almost a year to get straight from those and now I'm working on my AL issues or problems.
So there is the short version HA!

So very AWESOME on your days!!! 127 or 128 now right? Thanks for sending me some strength and hanging out with me.

:l
XOXO back at you.:h

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

am making some changes of recently- inside of emailing and posting here at night I will be meditating of sorts at night before bed.. Writing down thoughts and taking that time away from technology. I plan to spend less time online now and trying to get outside...
Some days I feel addicted to my ipad and I would like to reconnect with other things.
I like to be here a lot and am going to stop by maybe once or twice a day instead of every chance I get.
I used to love gardening and would like to embrace that again and feel the beauty of nature...
Might sound corny but it's what I want to do..

Love you all very much. Even you Stuck.

[YouKayBee]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bkyogagurl;1660573 wrote: YKB- I sure hope I don't need to hit the proverbial rock bottom... I'm ready now to make changes I'm just making them one at time. Even tho I am relapsing I am coming out on the stronger side and digging into those deep scars I'm trying to release... Learning to forgive myself and not self loath has been a step in the right direction. My trainer is a cool dude and it kinda teaching me that it's today that matters not yesterday.. I told him what happened this last weekend and he didn't chastise me or even say anything negative... He reinforce the fact that I need to give him solid days on my meal plan and that I am a champion...

If I want to be.

It's all a big fat choice and what I make of it is up to me...

How are you friend? Are you buried under a pile of books.. I hope you are taking care of you.
Thanks for being here thru the good and the bad.... I appreciate you and am grateful that I met you.

I was under a pile of books and paper, now just plain tired. Not doing to badly, still AF. Might be adopting a trainer from your side of the pond, comes highly recommended, expensive but might be what I need.

[gracieb]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bkyogagurl, I've read on the Sinclair Method board that there is an initial "honeymoon phase", but then often drinking will return to normal and possibly spike at points before the real cure happens. Do you think this is what you are going through? I am just wondering. I hope to get my first shipment of nal this week (I hope I hope). Are you still sticking to taking it before drinking? (sorry to be nosy.)

Hope all is well with you.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

jane27;1660726 wrote: Bky, you're cool too. We have some interesting background stories that's for sure. I've known some very plain and steady people. I wouldn't trade places for a second. Let me know what you want to know about the at our thyroid. I take 60 mgs in the morning and 30 in the afternoon. I have hashimotos disease, which doesn't mean a whole lot to me. What does, is that I have a nodule on my thyroid- I wouldn't be surprised if more than half the population did. I found out about mine because I had a cat scan for a salivary gland that acted weird for a while. That turned out to be fine, but the thyroid nodule resulted in my seeing an ENT. He ordered a test that showed Hashimotos. ( autoimmune disease where the thyroid attacks itself). For years I had suspected I had a slow thyroid but my labs always came back at the lower range of normal. I had all the symptoms- freezing cold all the time, dry itchy skin, couldn't eat a lot without gaining weight, puffy face, tired. Doc put me on the AT to try and shrink the nodule it had no impact on my labs but I felt so much better. Twice the dose was increased with only minor change to my thyroid levels. Now I'm more in the middle of the normal range. I also have depression issues, narcolepsy and Add. I take Prozac for the depression and stimulants for the narcolepsy. Without the stimulants I want to sleep for 18 hours a day. Without the Prozac,24 would be nice. The ADD helped by the stimulants but I still skip around a lot. Drinking helped me stay awake and do thinks I didn't want to do, like laundry and talking on the phone.

I'm hooked on my iPad too, but it's helped me get through this. It's not easy, but very doable.

Thanks for writing back. My mother isn't a prize either. How are you handling the iPad habit? Any advice would be appreciated! Xoxox

Damn girl... You got some shit going on... Poor thing. When I was on a similar cocktail I was chasing my tail... I was tired from my antis so I took provigil to help and then add the rest of the stuff I was on and drinking... Hot mess.
That doc I recently talked to suggested Prozac for me too.. I am currently trying to level my body and mind out with healthy eating and exercise.. If I could leave AL alone I think I could find success. Probably need to add some patience in there as well. I know my hormones are messed up but noticed when I drink it intensifies that.
I drink for exactly that reason and a few others.... For energy to clean the house and do laundry... And know this sounds awful but it just seems easier and sometimes when I wake and have the laundry done and a bathroom clean it feels sort of better.. But not for long cause if I try to do it to many days in a row... There you have it... tired and worn out and nothing gets done... Because I tore my body down with AL. Here chasing my tail again.

Being overwhelmed with household duties often gets to me.. Who wants to clean all fucking day... NOT I... Who want to clean at all???:H

As for my ipad addiction I checked here 4 times yesterday but promised myself I would not constantly post.... I plan to only post in the morning so I don't stay late at night doing it. Today I plan to check back here once then only use my ipad for recipes for today.. I could come here and post half the day then surf the net for the remainder...
I'm kinda of addicted to MWO to be honest.. I could read all day. Gotta find balance to this crazy life which I'm not sure can be found.

I hope your day started off good. I sure appreciate talking with you.
Stay cool!:h

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

gracieb;1660839 wrote: bkyogagurl, I've read on the Sinclair Method board that there is an initial "honeymoon phase", but then often drinking will return to normal and possibly spike at points before the real cure happens. Do you think this is what you are going through? I am just wondering. I hope to get my first shipment of nal this week (I hope I hope). Are you still sticking to taking it before drinking? (sorry to be nosy.)

Hope all is well with you.

Gracie!!! :huggy

Glad you stopped by!! Was wondering about you and I probably should stop by your thread.

I think it is a fabulous thing.. To keep trying things.

I have decided to stop taking Nal before I drink because I was getting anxiety really bad with it.. Worse than when I drink alone.. Then my down time with AL was worse which was messing with my head. Plus I know a lot of people would love this but it would affect my eating as well making it difficult to eat for 2-3 days afterward which does my body no good to starve it.
I have decided to try an au la natural approach again to see if my mind could be in a better place since I have come to terms with some issues in my life.
I have been doing a sort of meditation where I write down my thoughts in crazy colors and write notes to myself about what I want to achieve. A very nice lady suggested visualizing what I want. I feel good about this as I have read if you keep visualizing where you want to be eventually it will happen... I believe the mind is a very strong thing and that if you can a rewire a few thoughts at a time maybe it will come full circle.
I believe in myself more now than ever.. I can do this.
I am refocusing my energy toward training and healthy eating in hopes my brain will come to enjoy it as much as my body does.
Just gotta keep trying.. I may return to Nal if I start sliding to far down or may try something else..
I'm just gonna know that I will not give up this journey.. I'm so worth it.

And SO ARE YOU... If you need any help with Nal let me know I'm here for you.
How are things at home??
Take care of you... Sista

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Hey girl- do what you need to do but try and hang tight if you can.. You will be glad in morn..
NO ONE EVER wakes up and says "damn I wish I would have drank last night"...

I totally understand the process and urge to drink.. I hate thinking about how I will feel in the morning...

I'm super tired but will check in with you in the am and elaborate more. Take care of you friend and thanks for sharing your thoughts.

XOXO

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

jane27;1661253 wrote: The cleaning & laundry drove me insane for a loooooooooong time. I was living alone then. Hammered was the only way I could face it. And the cardboard box build up? Ugh. ( they have the be broken down to flat then tied together.) at one point my garage was piled right to the CEILING.

What does Naltrexone feel like? I have picking issues & it's supposed to be good for that, but the description isn't a huge pull for me. (Blocking opiods). I take Newvigil, it's similar to Provigil. Dexedrine is the magic bullet for me. I used to take Cylert but then it got taken off the market.

Do you have thyroid issues? I recently did the master cleanse for the 2nd time. It's hard, but worth it. I find that these days sugar can make me feel as sick as AL did.

Hope your day 4 was a good one. Xoxo

Jane- some insights to what I am hearing hope you are ok with them.. Never take anything personally and if I say some thing that puts you off... Let me know...

First off... Dexedrine.... Man would I be in addict heaven with that shit... As I'm sure you are well aware that it is an amphetamine but I realize with your narcolepsy you might HAVE to take it...but anyway that will make you pick. Even if your not high off of it.. It simulates the brain and probably wears on your anxiety... Look up how it effects your brain and body... You probably already know.
I abused phentermine... And I found that when started taking out the prescript meds I felt better and now even better that I rid myself of the last of it.. Nal is the last thing I am discontinuing.. I'm not knocking them I am just doing what I feel is best for my body right now..
If I return to my more destructive ways I will have no problem signing up for anything to help.

And to be honest I don't know if it would be wise to throw another prescript med on what you already have going on... I would definitely look into how Nal would interact with some of your other meds...
Nal did help me slow down and I do believe give me some time to work on my personal issues. I feel that what you have going on inside yourself can be a driving force to make you want to drink... Add if you don't address what is going on inside yourself you could jump from one addiction to the next.. I did. I got addicted to running of all things.. Yes more socially acceptable but got skinnier and skinnier.. Not good.

I found that when I really started looking at what emotions I was having while drinking it has helped me significantly. Sometimes I have enough strength to ask myself before I drink why I want to drink and sometimes I have to back thru what happened after a drunk.
But either way I am really trying identify with my emotions.

Be so careful with antibuse... Be really ready to not drink because if you do drink on it it will make you sick... Like hospital sick. I am afraid to try that route just yet.

I hope you had a good evening and will check in with me... Let me know how you did last night. I am not the judgmental type so if you did drink come and tell me about...
Maybe we can sort it out together. :l

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

:yourespecial:

I want to remind my friends that YOU are special...

I know sometimes I forget that. I have been in a good spot of sorts. My no self loathing after my binge last weekend has proved to beneficial to my well being and my helped with a quick recovery.. I once again am feeling solid and happy. I have noticed one emotion that I need to identify with.. The feeling of being scared... Scared I am not enough. Scared I'm not good enough. Scared Im not pretty enough. Scared.... Hmmmm.

I do believe this may stem from low self esteem. I will be recognizing this and evaluating it so I can squash it. Cause you know what... I'm a good chick. I have a good heart and I am really compassionate.

So with those thoughts today I will be on my way...
Just remember :sendinglove:

Ps. I used to have a hard time saying "I love you" always "scared" of how some may interpret it... So I am practicing because it is a genuine feeling that I want everyone to feel... That they are loved.

[gracieb]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

You are a good chick. I've appreciated your warmth and encouragement.

I started the nal yesterday. I really hope this works out....

But in some ways I can see how alcoholism has been in my life to help me grow, too. To accept myself and give a little more grace to myself (and others), to appreciate little things, (like a clear mind) to practice self care because that has been so hard for me. (Us moms-get everyone else fed, teeth brushed, dressed, doing schoolwork, on and on while living on corn chips and coffee ourselves.... That's me anyway...) But when you're dealing with something like this, what choice do you have?

Now I'm like OK, I get it. Can we get rid of the lesson now? :P

It sounds like you are doing better. I'm glad.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Gracie- excited to hear how the Nal works for you.. I'm glad you are giving it a shot.

As for me I had a total mood swing and went down hill into a mound of negative thoughts. I sat down and wrote out the feelings I was having but now find I am looking for something to make me feel better..
Sugar, chocolate something... Here is where I have to dig in deep and feel those emotions and let them past. It's like huge brick in my heart... I feel like crying.
I'm sure part of the ups and downs of yet again AF time. Learning how to cope with life issues you want to run away from. I am going to try and get my mind off of it somehow.. And give myself a break.
My husband always seems to be there to poke into my wounds.. I wonder if he does this out of his insecurity? Nonetheless it manages to effect me.

I'm out... See ya soon.