BK's Naltrexone journey....

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Hi there Sam!

No ma'am was never on bac... Read about the side effects and was scared away...

I'm so sick of pills I could puke. But if my drinking gets worse again I may be taking that very one.
I really need to work on my emotions. I wrote down before I drank this last time that I was feeling extremely overwhelmed and wrote down points about it... Gotta get it figured out.
I think I will if I just keep at it.

Nice to hear from you XOXO

[StuckinLA]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

How do I get out of my head... good question. When I'm just down or bored I'll think about reading and sometimes actually do it, or watch TV. When I'm really down, and really wanting out, I'll look at porn on the internet or play Xbox. I'm trying to give up the Xbox for a little while though - all my games are out in the trunk of my car.

As an aside, this'll be interesting, as my GF is a gamer and we'll probably get an Xbox One (the newest) and she has both the regular Xbox like I do AND a Playstation 3. Though until we get both her TV and mine set up, she'll probably be doing most of the gaming so that'll help me out a little.

I wish I could do productive things when I'm down and bored - like reading more, or writing. That would be heavenly. But these days I get up and sit down and get in a couple 2 or 3 hours of writing in before the day's kinda shot.

I am not taking bac anymore - so yes, you read correctly. I'm just starting the gaba again, for no real reason. I don't feel it at all, but I have a bunch so I think I'm just going to start taking a lot of it. I know you don't want to take pills, but low-dose bac seems to help a few people with anxiety, as does gabapentin. Some people *swear* by gaba for depression and anxiety. Anyway, I manage sobriety by not drinking. Worked 7 months last year, and I'm... 2.5? 2.75 months in now? Though there are cracks in the foundation at the moment.

What I really want to do is find some oxytocin nasal spray - and not the kind you can get on Amazon with a boatload of preservatives in it. I've read that oxy may reverse withdrawal - and actually reverse the withdrawal kindling effect - as well as reverse tolerance. That would be ideal, and it seems to be connected also with vasopressin in the brain, so might also help with the high blood pressure that I get from drinking (I don't have underlying high blood pressure, it's perfectly normal, but stays super high for 3 weeks to a month after I quit drinking).

That's probably WAY more than you wanted to hear! So I'll go now, and stalk you on the other thread.

[scottish lass]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bk - I think I guessed what was happening - I do believe that reaching out when needed is one of the things that MWO can provide - I would say that if you think about pm'ing, you should just do it, we have all been in the same boat, and I would feel so great if I could have helped. Not at all saying that I could have, but would have been happy to try!
Keep on going, at least you are not giving up and that means everything!

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

StuckinLA;1665393 wrote: How do I get out of my head... good question. When I'm just down or bored I'll think about reading and sometimes actually do it, or watch TV. When I'm really down, and really wanting out, I'll look at porn on the internet or play Xbox. I'm trying to give up the Xbox for a little while though - all my games are out in the trunk of my car.

As an aside, this'll be interesting, as my GF is a gamer and we'll probably get an Xbox One (the newest) and she has both the regular Xbox like I do AND a Playstation 3. Though until we get both her TV and mine set up, she'll probably be doing most of the gaming so that'll help me out a little.

I wish I could do productive things when I'm down and bored - like reading more, or writing. That would be heavenly. But these days I get up and sit down and get in a couple 2 or 3 hours of writing in before the day's kinda shot.

I am not taking bac anymore - so yes, you read correctly. I'm just starting the gaba again, for no real reason. I don't feel it at all, but I have a bunch so I think I'm just going to start taking a lot of it. I know you don't want to take pills, but low-dose bac seems to help a few people with anxiety, as does gabapentin. Some people *swear* by gaba for depression and anxiety. Anyway, I manage sobriety by not drinking. Worked 7 months last year, and I'm... 2.5? 2.75 months in now? Though there are cracks in the foundation at the moment.

What I really want to do is find some oxytocin nasal spray - and not the kind you can get on Amazon with a boatload of preservatives in it. I've read that oxy may reverse withdrawal - and actually reverse the withdrawal kindling effect - as well as reverse tolerance. That would be ideal, and it seems to be connected also with vasopressin in the brain, so might also help with the high blood pressure that I get from drinking (I don't have underlying high blood pressure, it's perfectly normal, but stays super high for 3 weeks to a month after I quit drinking).

That's probably WAY more than you wanted to hear! So I'll go now, and stalk you on the other thread.

I like listening so talk away...

I read your other post too... What do you think your driving force behind your drinking is?
Do feel any emotions about it or is it just a flat out craving? I'm always trying to figure out what makes "me" tick?
Interesting the drinking increases your BP.. I Have naturally low blood pressure so maybe another thing I love about drinking is the energy it gives me... To do shit like clean the house.
with your place seemingly out of whack I wonder if that is bugging you? I hate when my house is below my bar of standards for being clean.. It literally makes me crazy.
When does the new chick move in?
Maybe that will help some..

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

scottish lass;1665406 wrote: bk - I think I guessed what was happening - I do believe that reaching out when needed is one of the things that MWO can provide - I would say that if you think about pm'ing, you should just do it, we have all been in the same boat, and I would feel so great if I could have helped. Not at all saying that I could have, but would have been happy to try!
Keep on going, at least you are not giving up and that means everything!

You are so right... For some reason I think the universe really wants me to succeed because little quotes show up when I'm surfing the net like the one I saw today and am using as my signature... So funny strange how they find me..

I am going to make more of an effort to reach out before I drink.. To you if you don't mind.
I want to figure it out... Maybe discuss it with you before.. I knew I was overwhelmed last week I just didn't harness it correctly... It was almost like a lesson learned...

[Ne/Neva Eva]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Oh, man. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings here.

I try really hard not to generalize about alcoholics, because so much of it is just human and not "alcoholic" at all.

That said, I think the one thing that we can all relate to is craving and caving. When I first got here, I posted in General Discussion and Just Starting Out. I made pledges about not drinking, or set dates for when I would stop drinking. It never, ever worked. In fact, I can see now how it made the whole cycle a cycle (of failure). Even with bac, I "failed" several times. So I stopped counting days and just focused on doing lots of things that the research said would help. Peer support, exercise, eating...No magic bullets, but a start in the right direction.

Self-loathing is the absolute enemy. I would destroy self-loathing if I could. Even self-disliking. :H Keep it in mind, will you?

I am a firm believer that medications are the way to go, (for obvious reasons) but there are some examples and truths to be found from the other avenues to sobriety. There is also one absolute rule: Keep trying until something works. The battle is wearying and fraught and boring and chaotic. Whatever. Sober life is worth it.

I don't do PMs anymore because I am a terrible pen pal, but I do read everything. It helped me a lot to post here. Hang in there.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Ne-

Your wisdom in the above post... MADE MY DAY... One post. Thank you. I'm glad I found you.

I have to take my kiddos to school and then I'm gonna kill the gym... HA! That's a joke...
But I feel great today..
I will be back to write more.

[StuckinLA]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bkyogagurl;1665415 wrote: I like listening so talk away...

I read your other post too... What do you think your driving force behind your drinking is?
Do feel any emotions about it or is it just a flat out craving? I'm always trying to figure out what makes "me" tick?
Interesting the drinking increases your BP.. I Have naturally low blood pressure so maybe another thing I love about drinking is the energy it gives me... To do shit like clean the house.
with your place seemingly out of whack I wonder if that is bugging you? I hate when my house is below my bar of standards for being clean.. It literally makes me crazy.
When does the new chick move in?
Maybe that will help some..

Ehhhhh. What drives my drinking. It's a little bit of craving - I've had the stop you in your tracks, drive you to tears cravings, but not so much these days - mostly it's the memory of a feeling of hope. Euphoric recall, it's called. I was never the happy-go-lucky, loveable drunk I remember. I was usually an incoherently sad drunk by the end of the night, crying, unable even to articulate what was wrong.

But the escape from the present allowed me to have hope for the future, and there *was* a point, between 8 to 10 drinks or so, that my friend referred to as "Perfect Stuck." I had no fear, could do anything. Too few drinks and I'm just me, too many and I was a mess, but there was a razor's edge in the middle that I could never just stay at where I am awesome. I'm the guy who will (did) go to a house party and flirt with the host's sister. When someone points out her boyfriend standing across the kitchen, I'll look him straight in the eyes, point right at him, and say (to the girl, loudly) "That guy is your boyfriend? That guy is a bitch." And by the end of the night be making out with the girl and taking her phone number home with me.

Perfect Stuck doesn't have any anxiety, isn't worried about having to work in the morning or the hangover that's coming, has no doubt that he'll be a great writer *someday*. Sober Stuck is actually in the muck of the trenches working on his writing, and can't for the life of him imagine how it'll ever amount to anything, is crushed by the overwhelming work of it all, of all the books on his shelves he hasn't read, and even though he keeps Showing Up every day, doesn't see any progress.

Anyway, maybe it was actually the gabapentin I took yesterday, but before going to bed I did do the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, and actually made food. Spaghetti. For dinner. And cleaned the damned pot after, too. I have a meeting with my advisor today, lunch at a trendy cafe near where he lives. Coming up in about 2 hours.

And also since you mentioned it, I have (self-diagnosed) alcohol-induced transitory hypertension. It's not like "my BP's a little low, if it goes up maybe I'll have more energy." It's like "if I drink, my BP will be 150/100 for 4 weeks." I can't find much research on this, except to know that it's a thing, and affects enough alcoholics to know that it's a thing. I want to know what (if anything) reverses it, because I want to drink again.

New chick moves in at the end of next month.

And Ne, general(ized) wisdom as always. Great post - just do what's right in front of you to do, everyday.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

StuckinLA;1665607 wrote: Ehhhhh. What drives my drinking. It's a little bit of craving - I've had the stop you in your tracks, drive you to tears cravings, but not so much these days - mostly it's the memory of a feeling of hope. Euphoric recall, it's called. I was never the happy-go-lucky, loveable drunk I remember. I was usually an incoherently sad drunk by the end of the night, crying, unable even to articulate what was wrong.

But the escape from the present allowed me to have hope for the future, and there *was* a point, between 8 to 10 drinks or so, that my friend referred to as "Perfect Stuck." I had no fear, could do anything. Too few drinks and I'm just me, too many and I was a mess, but there was a razor's edge in the middle that I could never just stay at where I am awesome. I'm the guy who will (did) go to a house party and flirt with the host's sister. When someone points out her boyfriend standing across the kitchen, I'll look him straight in the eyes, point right at him, and say (to the girl, loudly) "That guy is your boyfriend? That guy is a bitch." And by the end of the night be making out with the girl and taking her phone number home with me.

Perfect Stuck doesn't have any anxiety, isn't worried about having to work in the morning or the hangover that's coming, has no doubt that he'll be a great writer *someday*. Sober Stuck is actually in the muck of the trenches working on his writing, and can't for the life of him imagine how it'll ever amount to anything, is crushed by the overwhelming work of it all, of all the books on his shelves he hasn't read, and even though he keeps Showing Up every day, doesn't see any progress.

Anyway, maybe it was actually the gabapentin I took yesterday, but before going to bed I did do the dishes and cleaned the kitchen, and actually made food. Spaghetti. For dinner. And cleaned the damned pot after, too. I have a meeting with my advisor today, lunch at a trendy cafe near where he lives. Coming up in about 2 hours.

And also since you mentioned it, I have (self-diagnosed) alcohol-induced transitory hypertension. It's not like "my BP's a little low, if it goes up maybe I'll have more energy." It's like "if I drink, my BP will be 150/100 for 4 weeks." I can't find much research on this, except to know that it's a thing, and affects enough alcoholics to know that it's a thing. I want to know what (if anything) reverses it, because I want to drink again.

New chick moves in at the end of next month.

And Ne, general(ized) wisdom as always. Great post - just do what's right in front of you to do, everyday.

Very insightful.. A lot of stuff I can identify with.. Tho my confidence is much lower when I drink. It's a time when I bag on myself about the things I feel I don't do well. Which is truly just a mind fuck cause I'm a good lady... Along with being a loving wife and compassionate mom.. I don't understand why my very own mind likes to beat me up.

I was just referencing myself about low blood pressure & AL giving "me" energy. Probably raises my blood sugar and pressure... But after a couple days of drinking I do feel anxiety and that's where I have to be careful because then the want to keep drinking to get rid of the anxiety happens...

As you said here and in other posts your blood pressure is normal then AL knocks it thru the roof... For a long dang time... Doesn't sound fun at all.

I'm gonna look up some of the terms you mentioned...

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Ne/Neva Eva;1665469 wrote: Oh, man. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings here.

I try really hard not to generalize about alcoholics, because so much of it is just human and not "alcoholic" at all.

That said, I think the one thing that we can all relate to is craving and caving. When I first got here, I posted in General Discussion and Just Starting Out. I made pledges about not drinking, or set dates for when I would stop drinking. It never, ever worked. In fact, I can see now how it made the whole cycle a cycle (of failure). Even with bac, I "failed" several times. So I stopped counting days and just focused on doing lots of things that the research said would help. Peer support, exercise, eating...No magic bullets, but a start in the right direction.

Self-loathing is the absolute enemy. I would destroy self-loathing if I could. Even self-disliking. :H Keep it in mind, will you?

I am a firm believer that medications are the way to go, (for obvious reasons) but there are some examples and truths to be found from the other avenues to sobriety. There is also one absolute rule: Keep trying until something works. The battle is wearying and fraught and boring and chaotic. Whatever. Sober life is worth it.

I don't do PMs anymore because I am a terrible pen pal, but I do read everything. It helped me a lot to post here. Hang in there.

You said it all with this.... I try really hard not to generalize about alcoholics, because so much of it is just human and not "alcoholic" at all.

Self loathing was my game but I try to just turn the page now and believe in myself. Hearing stories like yours keep me hanging in there... I keep fighting...
Because even tho I am not self loathing I am honestly feeling the anxiety and disconnect that goes along with recovering from a weekend drinking. I will be glad when it passes and I feel better again...

Sometimes I just like to post openly because I feel it could help someone else... So I don't PM that much myself anymore.

I'm feeling a bit dismantled right now so I will go for now... Try to find some things to calm my soul... Emotional swings suck.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Tonight I feel the anxiety melting and feel good about tomorrow..

It's a nice spot to feel and appreciate.

I truly overthink everything in my life and it feels a bit exhausting.. Off to google self help for this.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Well I am feeling good and calm about the weekend... I am hoping my good friend goes with her boyfriend to the wine country so she won't be asking me to do anything.. She is a drinking partner.

I am becoming a bit of a hermit... The only place beside home I like to be is at the gym or exercising outside. I feel safe at home for the most part although this is also a refuge for my drinking as well.
But when I do feel like being abstinent I feel stronger at home. Weird.
I used to be such a social thing.
I could care less if I talked to anyone in person all weekend... I always like hanging out here.

Can't wait for the weekend to begin... Healthy eating and some relaxing... In between gym visits and some house work.. Maybe a movie or 2 as well...

I just don't feel like drinking... But this has happened before and I have ended up drinking..
Someone recently told me that I just overthinking things in my life way to much... I think they are right..
I have noticed when my mind starts spinning I just tell it to stop and that I don't want to do that...
We will see how long it lasts... But I would like to give my brain a break from all the constant worry it induces upon me...

Hope everyone is well.... Haven't heard from Scottish Lass or Stuck or Skull.. Probably busy.
Which is awesome.

[StuckinLA]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bkyogagurl;1666054 wrote:


Someone recently told me that I just overthinking things in my life way to much... I think they are right..
I have noticed when my mind starts spinning I just tell it to stop and that I don't want to do that...


Hope everyone is well.... Haven't heard from Scottish Lass or Stuck or Skull.. Probably busy.
Which is awesome.

Well, yes, I am busy...

In your googling have you tried looking for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? It's all about NOT trying to control your thoughts, like it sounds, but about dealing with the thoughts you have. So when your mind starts racing and you're overthinking, you just kind of stop and let yourself realize that you're having lots of thoughts you don't like - and, without putting value-judgments on those thoughts, you accept them and let them go.

Maybe I didn't explain that very well. Anyway, there are plenty of articles way more articulate than me.

Whenever I think about CBT all I hear is "suck it up and deal with it." But maybe that's the point... or at least what *I* need to hear...

[scottish lass]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

I am here, but been silly busy! Hoping for the merry-go-round to slow a bit so I can breathe and catch up.
You are sounding good and positive.....keep it going...

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Funny thing for me... I don't feel like drinking but I feel like I'm suppose to be..
I mean it's the weekend and I have plenty of chores to do that I usually like to do when drinking beers.

But... I am sorta pigging out and watching Leaving Las Vegas.. Which is totally brutally honest and I can't hardly finish watching it after what happens to the gal.. That graphic scene makes me sick..

I plan to watch another alcoholic related movie after this one.. Maybe to remind myself of what "could" happen and how I never want to hit that kind of rock bottom..
Fucking scary....

So I am using food to comfort my state of being.. I can tell. I am not hungry.
I'm tired and feeling emotionally drained because there are things in my life I don't know how to help or fix.
But... I am tired of trying to drink them right or cover them up cause that isn't working either.
I will have to face them now... With full life strength because I won't be able to move on as a person if I don't.
I am reading a book about women who overthink and it has some valuable stuff in it.. I will probably sit here all night... Frost my brownie cupcakes.. Read and watch TV.
This doesn't feel healthy either.. Please don't say at least your not drinking...
Because it feels no different than when I am. If that makes sense...
I feel hungover and lost anyway.

Sleep is something else I use when I feel poopy.. This will pass..

I was invited to a ball game tonight but declined because I would rather sit here.
I don't feel like watching another depressing movie but here I go...
I feel like taking a sleeping pill and just sleeping til tomorrow.