BK's Naltrexone journey....

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

It TOTALLY made sense... its like you speak the same language I do.. its like some sort of Stuckinese or BKinese and I do believe you explained things very true and real for me.

the fear that alcohol *is not* the thing keeping you from being powerful and strong~ this my friend if where it gets tricky... because I feel it's easy for me to hide behind saying
"I'm alcoholic" it gives me permission to feel that I don't have any control over it. I don't like this...
My counselor said to me that she wasn't sure it was an alcoholic thing but an emotional thing that I need to address and that I can't figure this out on my own and that I become committed to finding the help and letting people help me.
I feel I have made some progress here with you guys as I have opened up and been fully honest. I will be intereted to hear your take on this....

You are right... when I have stopped drinking before for my little stints I expected my life to be rainbows and butterflies... I did... It wasn't.. and I realize that now... its just getting thru every day life.
Without drinking my emotions away... I hold my feelings in then let them out in a very unproductive way when I drink. It gives the person I take it out on ... ammunition to keep me down. I cannot handle my life like this because it becomes a constant battle.

Like you said my main goal as of now is to focus on what "I" am going to do right now to help myself feel free from the chains of emotion that control my mind and soul.
I am going to focus on the good in myself and work with this new counselor to see where I land...

One thing I love about you is your honesty. with me and yourself. You don't glorify the fact that you aren't drinking and question yourself about whether you will stay abstinent. You stay in the present.
Something I need to do vigilantly. I need to worry about myself.. that is it. Even saying that makes me feel a twinge of guilt.

When a person talks to me I completely twist words and make it seem as tho its an attack on me...
I want to find away to listen and not internalize any words anyone says.

Thanks for the mistress analogy.. its helps to see things like that.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

So much good stuff here. I'm going to sit on it for a while, and so probably won't remember to respond. But I want you to know I really like what you and Stuck wrote. It resonates.

BUT. There's one more thing that isn't trivial. It's the biology of addiction. I'm reading an article that Koob wrote. I haven't processed it yet, and I won't summarize it except to say this: There is a real, relevant and very important component to managing addiction with chemistry. Don't dismiss it, simply because it increases your chances of contented sobriety by magnitudes of rainbows.

Here's another thing that counts that I don't think I've ever written before: Every sober day counts. Seriously. Not in some lalalala-land. Not in a counting the days, and starting over from 1, way. Every sober day we put together helps in the short term, of course, but it also really increases chances of sobriety for the long term. So. Rock on Stuck. (And all the rest of you.) I wish I'd known that! I wouldn't have been quite so fatalistic about the whole thing, I think. EDIT: That doesn't mean that drinking messes things up. I wish I could bold, underline and put that in red font. It's cumulative over the long haul. Not a reason for freaking out and spinning into the shame-vortex.

I like your therapist. She sounds like mine. Mine is Nice. That usually irritates me, but I find it refreshing to be with someone who is not cynical, condescending, judgmental or irritable. It's a rare find in Ne-world.
xo you two

[Xadrian]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Ne/Neva Eva;1667840 wrote: I wish I'd known that! I wouldn't have been quite so fatalistic about the whole thing, I think. EDIT: That doesn't mean that drinking messes things up. I wish I could bold, underline and put that in red font.

Like this?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Xadrian;1667850 wrote: Like this?

:H

But to clarify, a bit more. Drinking messes up everything. But the shame/guilt spiral is still to be avoided at all costs.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Ne- you are so right about the shame and guilty spiral....

I started reading the daring greatly book. She quotes Theodore Roosevelt from the man in the arena...
Here it is..

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Counseling was good and we have a plan for now... It is to stay sober this month and see what bubbles up... It will be nice to have someone to go see if I need too. She is a great lady who is making me feel like my recovery is a priority to her....
She told me me she is only a phone call, text or email away.. For some reason this made me feel safe..

You guys are the driving force behind my progress and listening and responding.
But most of all giving me a gift I am struggling to feel worthy of...
But you keep giving it ..... It's the feeling of being loved. Thank you.

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Dealing with extreme anxiety today which is to be expected.
I keep telling myself that I can deal with any emotion or anything that happens.
I showed up today and that is enough. I will not drink today because I'm not drinking this
entire month.
I am enough just as I am.

[skullbabyland]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Hi BK, just catching up on what's been happening... so sorry that you've had such a tough few days, my friend. I am glad though that you're seeking out the support you need with counseling and finding good advice here.

Thank you so much for posting that quote from Roosevelt... if you don't mind I'm going to post that in my own thread just for my record. I found that really valuable to read today, it really rang true and I needed to hear just those words.

Another quote I read recently that helps me with the seemingly unending loop of obsessive thoughts and anxieties that I sometimes get caught in... "What worries you, masters you". - John Locke . I thought about that and see how true it is... and seeing that clearly helps me to let go of my worries a bit.

As for drinking... no judgement my friend, we all know how crazy hard addictive drinking is, it's such a cycle of good days then terrible days, rinse and repeat. I won't harp on medications since it sounds like you're not interested in them, but I will say one thing as your friend--

Either way, with or without meds, you'll have to do the hard emotional/mental work. It's hard as hell. My view is that, hard as it is, I so appreciate that bac makes it easier. My lame metaphor for the day... It's like trying to do a task with a broken ankle- you may make it past the pain for a while, gaining some ground, but the pain will eventually cause you to stumble and fall, again and again, because the injury is never healed properly. But wrapping it steady in a cast for a while and allowing it to heal will enable you to feel less pain, feel more strength, and thus gain much more ground in your task. In this case, the baclofen is the cast, and the task is the emotional work of living sober/healthy.

I was tempted to say "meds" in place of "bac" but I changed my mind... because bac is the one that for me, really did/does work, when nothing else has. No other meds, no other combination of counseling/mindfullness/willpower etc. helped me stay sober. No doubt those other things are all helpful in their way for doing the emotional work that is needed, but bac for me is the tool that enables me to do those things.

OK sorry if that sounded like a big pro-bac lecture... I guess it was, albeit unintended. Just maybe something to keep in mind in case you ever decide to give meds a try.

At any rate BK- no judgement, just lots of love and support coming your way. BIG HULK HUUUUUGGGGGG!

[skullbabyland]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Just read your update... Keep in mind too, how Eckhart Tolle correctly says that your EMOTIONS are not YOU. They are just a thing you experience but they are separate from you and can be, to a degree, manipulated, chosen or disgarded.

Or, in the words of that great Jets to Brazil song... "don't confuse your truth with your pain".

Good days are just around the corner, buddy.

[Samandkatharine]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

skullbabyland;1668107 wrote: Just read your update... Keep in mind too, how Eckhart Tolle correctly says that your EMOTIONS are not YOU. They are just a thing you experience but they are separate from you and can be, to a degree, manipulated, chosen or disgarded.

Or, in the words of that great Jets to Brazil song... "don't confuse your truth with your pain".

Good days are just around the corner, buddy.

Which book is the above quote about emotions from?
Thanks Skull!

Sam

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Skull... I really needed to hear those words... My emotions are not me. Need to keep telling myself that.

I appreciate you coming by and giving me your advice it is always welcome. I don't mind the suggestions of Bac use.. I may just do it. I will have to find a doc cause my GP I doubt would do it... She barely gave me Nal. The people who are present in my life keep assure me that I am making progress...

*sigh*

Such a tuff road but I won't stop trying cause that's all I got...

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Good morning-

I am back... For the most part.. Anxiety seems to have lifted substantially and I am feeling my sassy self return. I was reading back thru my thread and saw this is the "rinse and repeat" cycle I go thru... Duh.
Skull was right.

I talked to my counselor yesterday about a lot of things but one thing that stands out is that she reinforces that I am an intellegent well spoken person.. Which my husband would totally disagree but that is his issue....
but it makes me feel good anyway... I think some of the old wounds I have with him flare up now even when he tries to be nice of the nice he knows. I have been trying to reinforce that I really like it when he talks nice to me..
I want to tell you guys what happened this last weekend but feel it's such a relationship mess that I don't want to bore you with...
I might anyway later just don't have the time right now..

Anyway... Day 4 has arrived and I am looking forward to an AF weekend.. YAH!

I'm so moody I'm sure I will be back today with some sort of emotional change.

OH & I wanted to mention that I am considering GABA right now as my counselor suggested. I'm thinking about calling my GP to se if she will write the script cause I will see a psych to prescribe... Any advice or info anyone would like to share is welcome.. I've been doing my own research and will make a decision soon.

I'm off to make waffles at my little guys request. I might be able to talk him into a toasted bagel.

Love to all! Keep it cool and AF. :kissyface:

[StuckinLA]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

You're sounding good, BK!

Just to clear up a little confusion that you might run into if you're looking stuff up online or around the boards here: GABA is a chemical in the brain (there's GABA-a, the site where alcohol, benzos, and a few other things work, and GABA-b where baclofen works). I think what you're referring to is gabapentin, which is the generic prescription drug (also still patented under the trade name Neurontin - it works at GABA-a). Do a search for terryk and read his old posts if you want to learn about the neurochemistry - he's one of the few around here I trust to know what he's talking about.

There are people who swear by gabapentin for depression, anxiety, and some even think it helps with cravings. I've taken it but never noticed any effects, really. Baclofen, well there's plenty of info around here about that.

Hope you have a good one.

[skullbabyland]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Samandkatharine;1668111 wrote: Which book is the above quote about emotions from?
Thanks Skull!

Sam

Sam- I believe I read them in "The Power of Now"; however, I have a poor memory and only read a portion of the book so it is very loosely paraphrased... but at any rate, that was my takeaway and it made sense to me and stuck with me.

[skullbabyland]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

bkyogagurl;1668382 wrote: Good morning-

I am back... For the most part.. Anxiety seems to have lifted substantially and I am feeling my sassy self return. I was reading back thru my thread and saw this is the "rinse and repeat" cycle I go thru... Duh.
Skull was right.

I talked to my counselor yesterday about a lot of things but one thing that stands out is that she reinforces that I am an intellegent well spoken person.. Which my husband would totally disagree but that is his issue....
but it makes me feel good anyway... I think some of the old wounds I have with him flare up now even when he tries to be nice of the nice he knows. I have been trying to reinforce that I really like it when he talks nice to me..
I want to tell you guys what happened this last weekend but feel it's such a relationship mess that I don't want to bore you with...
I might anyway later just don't have the time right now..

Anyway... Day 4 has arrived and I am looking forward to an AF weekend.. YAH!

I'm so moody I'm sure I will be back today with some sort of emotional change.

OH & I wanted to mention that I am considering GABA right now as my counselor suggested. I'm thinking about calling my GP to se if she will write the script cause I will see a psych to prescribe... Any advice or info anyone would like to share is welcome.. I've been doing my own research and will make a decision soon.

I'm off to make waffles at my little guys request. I might be able to talk him into a toasted bagel.

Love to all! Keep it cool and AF. :kissyface:

Yeah, I relate- the only reason I know the rinse and repeat cycle is a truth, is because I lived on that terrible cycle for so many years myself. However I often couldn't see it because stress or cravings or euphoric recall kept clouding my mind and my memory and just focusing on more alcohol. Ah, the life of an addict.

One thing I was happy to read is that you've found one of the most valuable aspects of MWO... going back and reading your own progress thread! It's so useful as a journal and a support, but the best part about it is going back and reading your thoughts from days/weeks/months prior... pretty soon light bulbs are turning on and concepts are sticking in your mind! I love that, it's the main reason I try to be so detailed on my own thread, posting quotes etc. That's why writing your experience is so important. Fears, challenges, happy thoughts, etc. It'll all become insanely useful down the road.

And by the way, you're CLEARLY intelligent and well spoken. Anyone who says otherwise is speaking falsely and from their own issues. Don't believe untruths.

Oh, random- in case you're interested, here's that Jets to Brazil song. It's definitely sappy but lovely, and has lots of sweet thoughts.
Grooveshark - Free Music Streaming, Online Music

[bkyogagurl]

BK's Naltrexone journey....

Skull and Stuck....

It's a good damn thing you guys are virtual because I think would be in love with both of you...
You guys make me smile...

Stuck you are right I did mean gabapentin- I didn't know you couldn't shorten it up due to it having a different meaning.. Good to know.
I will look up terryk stuff and read thru...

Skull- going back and reading my stuff was interesting because there were times of complete hatred for my husband when I didn't drink my feelings away... This is something that needs to be addressed...
We/I will work toward a better place I am hoping..Relationships are a lot like addiction... They always need work. I asked the husband if we could be nice to each other and talk nice to each other. Support each other in the most positive way we could.. Seems to be working... For the last couple days...

Great song... Very touching. I relate thru music very well... The husband does not understand this at all...

It's not what you sell... It's what you make.....
Reminds me that it's not the facade you deal to everyone... But being vulnerable & showing who you really are..
That matters in this life.. Deep shit dude but thanks for seeing the good in me...

I always feel a tad guilty for sharing about the husband unless I'm really pissed... Don't know why.
Maybe because I am not a perfect partner either... But I'm pretty sure I'm closer.. HA!
That was totally a joke.