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[beckty]

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Thanks Jules! This is EXACTLY where I am. I get to bump up tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing some results in the next couple of weeks. Best wishes to you in this journey as well.

[Diver]

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Beckty,
Just wanted to welcome you. The SE's seem to vary a lot from person to person, but no matter what they are they are better than the Alc Demon that has been terrorizing you.

:welcome:

[Yourfriend6116]

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Hi beckty--hope you are doing well. Just wanted to ck in to wish you a ketchup free weekend!!

[beckty]

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Hi and thanks! I am doing ok. Still drinking. Trying to be patient with the process and not allow myself to start ramping up my dosage. I am at 45mg a day and still drinking. Not always to excess. Still really hating that I drink at all. Getting through the weekend. I actually rather like the bac at this point, due too obvious alchy reasons. It does kind of chill me out. But I am not really fighting any annoying SE's that make me uncomfortable.

[beckty]

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Well, I spoke too soon. I bumped up by 10 mg a day (15/20/20) and all of a sudden major sleepiness in the afternoon has kicked in and my skin feels weird. Kind of numb'ish. Particularly my hands and feet. I don't mind that so much, but obviously the sleepiness is tough. I am working from home this afternoon and it's hard to stay awake.

I am also finding a little more "want to" with regards to really quitting drinking, mainly from all of the encouraging reading I've been doing here. I knew I needed/wanted to, but I know I need to want to put in the work to re-learn sobriety. What I do when I am bored/celebrating/angry/sad/anxious.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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beckty;1663459 wrote: What I do when I am bored/celebrating/angry/sad/anxious.

I gotta tell you, I think emotions are really cool. Especially now that I can see them coming. :H Even the really lousy ones, like my dog's death, are really life-affirming. I am so damn grateful that I can really be present.

When my husband walked in the door after work, and she wasn't there to greet him, we both just started sobbing. (I'm not trying to make you cry, or hijack your thread.) But the really, really great thing is that we got to do it together and were totally clear. Back in our drinking days, I was usually pretty saucy by the time he got home, and we each had separate spaces to do things.

Being present is the bomb. But it's disconcerting at first and it's a really good idea to think about what to do now. Boredom is my enemy and I am often bored because I have too many chores on my list and not enough fun.

What are things you want to do that you don't do now?

[StuckinLA]

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Ne/Neva Eva;1663486 wrote: What are things you want to do that you don't do now?

Drink.

:H OK, sorry, no hijacking I promise!

EDIT: Fer reelz, though, not drinking does NOT mean you *can't* do things. There's nothing you *can't* do. When I drink, it only takes a few nights of going out before the only going out I do is to the liquor store, and I spend days on end drinking by myself in my apartment. All the glamour that I imagine drinking to be, the cool bars and nightlife and all that shit? Doesn't happen for me - there's 1 bar I go to and then I get wasted at home.

Now that I don't drink? I go to way more bars now, and nicer ones, and I go to like things and stuff, to library events and readings and snooty-literary crap I can't stand but it's something to do. And I go to Europe, and I just bought a $150 ticket to a playoffs hockey game on Saturday because I didn't drink that $150 over the course of a few days.

So go out to celebrate. Go wallow belly-up to a bar when you're sad - just drink a beverage that isn't alcoholic. There are so many different things to drink! I had 1 kind of beer and only a couple brands of bourbon, but now I learned there's something called soda? And like even some that have real sugar and aren't *terrible* for you? And juice? There are so many juices! You *can* do all of that and you can hang out with drunk people if you want. It's not that much fun, and I don't last too long at the bar before getting a little bored and maybe even resentful, but that's on me, and it's my choice. Not drinking isn't a restriction - it's the opposite, and believe it or not it opens up the whole world.

Though to be honest if I didn't have so much stuff going on with school and writing and work and life I'd be blackout-drunk right now. It just doesn't work for me anymore, so the drinking had to go. Sad face.