Here we go again

[lex]

lostinspace- wow. that's scary. I hope you can beat it. Lex

[treetops]

LIS please take care. That sounds awful. You had indifference but you forced yourself to drink. You can't do this anymore. Maybe it's best that your friend has taken you off her list. I would suggest that you don't go back into situations like that again - ie - where such manic drinking is more than likely. It's clearly very very dangerous.
You had 3 months AF and you were doing really well. Go back to this, it's you and your marriage that matter. You are bound to feel dreadful for the next few days so keep on posting and take the Bac and don't be tempted to hide yourself in the bottle from remorse. You are a caring person who will get through this.

[nicnak68]

Like any time we have all got very drunk and done very stupid things that we regret,you will get over it and the feelings of shame will pass.Just give it a little time and don't beat yourself up over it

[Stevo]

So sorry to hear about your weekend LIS.
Just hang in there and with a little time you will start to feel better(I know that at the moment you most likely don't feel like that).Know that as bad as it seems the effects of the AL are making it seem so much worse.There is nothing quite like coming out of blackout to find that everyone around you is no longer wanting to be your friend.It is a truly terrible feeling but if this any consolation,you aren't the first and you won't be the last.
You are in the right place and are surrounded by people on here that can relate.I am thinking of you as I am sure most who participate on here are too.
You are the still the kind hearted person we all know as Lost In Space.

As for the D&A thing,yes it's drugs and alcohol(my paraphrase though more commonly known these days as AOD I believe).What I am doing at the moment is case management and I don't want to go back into the field that I have worked in over the last decade which is community services mainly in disabilities(my original plan was to become a nurse many years ago and although I never finished it I fell into this field).
I am thinking that it may only be a matter of time before medications for AUD and drug addiction become common place(I am hoping anyway)and as MJM stated the whole industry is based on 12 step fellowship ideals at the moment.I have been thinking that if there begins to be a paradigm shift it would be a good idea to get some qualifications in this area now while the government down here is throwing around loans to do courses.
With Arbaclofen possibly on the horizon I think that big pharma will promote the arse out of it and with the qualifications that I already have,am now doing and am thinking of getting I would be in a perfect position to case manage for an out-patient treatment program.As I said before though at this stage it is just a thought.
I think that the world of recovery will need some people in it who don't adhere to or who aren't completely influenced by the old standards.
The D&A course if I decide to do it would entail mainly counselling amongst other things.I have already had a short conversation with the facilitator of the course that I am doing at the moment and for me to step into a role like this I wouldn't really need to do a diploma but I am thinking,why wouldn't I?I can get quite a few RPL's(recognition of prior learning) due to my already existing qualifications and the course that I am doing at the moment,so the full diploma wouldn't cost me as much and I won't have an overwhelming load of study and modules to do.
I hope that explains it a little better.

Great to see everyone posting and as I said before LIS you are in my thoughts,hang in there.

Cheers Stevo.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oh, Lis. I'm so sorry. Been there, for sure. I think I just posted about the night that my husband locked me out, in my pajamas, in the rain.

There have been many, many others, too.

The good news is that it doesn't have to happen again. I'm sorry it cost you your friendship, and your self-respect, but this is a blip. Albeit a particularly painful one. It's a blip, Lis. Nothing more. There wasn't any way for you to know what you could handle and how you would handle it. The vast majority of us test those waters after indifference, usually feeling the shame and regret and remorse the next day. But that's not necessary. It is just a part of the process for some of us.

I hope you are doing everything you can to be really, really gentle with yourself. Know that I, and we, believe in you and know that you're a good, decent, deserving human being. Even when you don't believe it yourself. We know it's true.

Huge hugs and all the positive vibes I can muster, my dear friend.

[MeJustMe]

LIS - I hope you know that you have plenty of support here: I think I can safely say we all want the best for you, and I -- like others --believe that this was a small stumble, not a fall. Remorse for drunken behaviour is such a terrible thing to go through.

Just remember too that time is the greatest healer... in time your remorse will fade, your pain will fade. Doesn't make it any easier right here and now, but know that it won't last.

LIS, I know more than most what it is like to be sober then trip up. Just because you have tripped, you don't have to again.

I too am sending you positive vibes, LIS.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks so much for the support, you guys. I really appreciate it.

lex - Thanks for the encouragement. I thought I already had beat it! That’s what burns me. But I guess the appeal of drinking to an alcoholic doesn’t fully go away, even after the cravings are gone. I need to do some work on my thinking as well.

treetops - I would say you’re right about the friendship if it weren’t for the fact that she didn’t encourage me to drink (or even drink anything herself). That’s what makes the story so much worse. I was drinking just the way I always had in the past - in secret. Every time she left the room for any reason - to go the bathroom, to start cooking breakfast, etc. - I would sneak a huge swig from one of the bottles I brought down. When we went out, I kept sneaking off to the bathroom to drink from the bottle I had stashed in my bag. The poor woman had no idea I was drinking that whole time until I turned into a royal asshole. But yes, I am going right back (actually already have gone back) to no alcohol at all. I was a hell of a lot happier that way, and I don’t need that kind of drama in my life ever again. Thanks for the encouragement.

Thanks, nicnak68. I’m trying not to beat myself up too hard.

Stevo - Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate it. That sounds like a great career path for you. I hope you’re right that things are changing, and that medication use for alcoholism will become a first line treatment. But whether it happens in the next few years or not, you can help to be a part of that change. You can tell your clients about baclofen, what it’s done for others, and encourage them to give it a shot. That’s really great!

Ne - Thank you so much for telling me that many people try a stunt like that after reaching indifference. On top of everything else I have to feel ashamed about, I’ve been feeling like a total baclofen failure. Like I was given this precious gift that I just trampled all over. It really does make me feel better to know that many of us have tried what I did, also with disastrous consequences (it doesn’t make me feel better that they had to suffer, but just that I feel less alone). And yes, it is just a blip. It will take time to mourn the loss of my friendship and to learn to forgive myself. Despite the distance between us, we used to talk on the phone at least once a week, if not more. I considered her to be one of my dearest friends But as far as alcohol is concerned, I’ll make sure it’s just a blip.

MJM - Thanks for the positive vibes. It means a lot. And yes, this is a trip, not a fall. Alcohol and I are now officially divorced. I kicked him out and I’m never letting that dumb bastard into my life again.

Thanks again everyone for the kind words of support and encouragement. It makes me feel a lot less alone that I can admit what I did and not have anyone call me an asshole because you guys understand :hug: I hope everyone out there is having a good one.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I've already exceeded my allotted MWO time this morning. Just know that I'm thinking about you guys.

So glad you posted again, Lis. Yes, it's wonderful that this place is getting to be what it once was and that you can post without threat of recrimination. Yay! And of course, we really have been there.

Can't wait to hear more about the course of study, since that's the route I'm going too. And also the bike.

Holding my breath for you, Stuck.

How's the exercise coming, Kronk?

Hope it's a good day!

[StuckinLA]

Looks like I'll have enough work through the beginning of next year. That's a relief. Still, have tons of work and grading to do this weekend.

[kronkcarr]

Lis,

I hope you're feeling better. The good thing with bac is that you can pick right back up and not drink again. My good friends know that I take bac and they would question me if I started drinking too much. Except last Thanksgiving when I was at a friend's house and I drink too much wine. I honestly don't know what got into me for doing it or her for continuing to pour. I didn't embarrass myself but I did leave her house and drive drunk to a parking lot to call a friend for a ride. No answer so I stupidly drove home. I did hit a mailbox on my street but made it home. I could have lost my license to work, wrecked my car, hurt or killed someone or been arrested. I was appalled by my behavior and took it as a most important lesson. I hope you can do the same.

[Lostinspace]

That’s awesome, Stuck! Glad you don’t have to worry about work for a while.

Thanks, kronk. Not feeling all that much better yet, but I am taking it as an important lesson learned. There definitely won’t be a repeat. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around what happened last weekend, though. I’m disgusted by my behavior. I’ve been told by almost everyone who’s ever seen me in a blackout that I’m a happy drunk - an uncoordinated, sloppy, stupid drunk, but happy nonetheless. The only other person who’s told me that I can be nasty is my husband, but in the latter case I can kinda understand. We’ve had a few arguments where I was drunk, but not in a blackout, so I remember exactly how it went down. Basically he would accuse me of being drunk, I would deny it, then his temper would take over and he would start throwing insults at me. Things like “you’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met in my life” or “you’re a habitual f*cking loser!” And I’m not saying this to excuse my behavior at all because I could be atrociously mean in return. But I can understand how, when my back’s against the wall, someone’s attacking me, and I have no inhibitions to speak of, I’ll fight fire with an entire volcano. But (to my knowledge) I have never before started sh*t with someone who was being friendly with me. Someone suggested to me via PM that it might have been an interaction with one of the medications I’m taking that made the whole incident so much worse but, while that does make me feel a little better because it explains some things, I’m still finding it extremely difficult to let it go.

I’m also having a hard time posting here in general right now. I know it was just one incident, but I feel like it’s marred the bac success story I had built myself to be. I also feel completely useless to help the newcomers looking for guidance because, shame aside, I never experienced a single negative side effect while titrating up on bac, so I have no advice to give on how to cope. I don’t know. I’m rambling now. Suffice it to say I’m having a hard time being anywhere right now. Sorry for the longwinded monologue. I’ll get past all this, just not yet. I hope you and everyone else out there are doing well.

[Mom21961]

Lis.. One crazy bad night does not negate the good that you do. As one of the newbies (at least to Baclofen) that you have helped, please be assured that this does not make me think less of your Baclofen success. It's just a cautionary tale that we need to be cognizant of. I understand that this was traumatic, and you will need time to get past it, but that doesn't mean that you should stop posting (IMHO). Reading about your journey has been helpful for me, both the good and the bad.

Edit: and yes, I'm super jealous of the no side effects thing . But it will be helpful for others to know that it's possible.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Mom2JT. I appreciate your saying that. I was just going to leave a “thanks” on your post and start posting again once I was feeling better. But since you called what happened to me a cautionary tale, I should probably be honest about what’s been happening since last weekend to make it an even bigger cautionary tale. I’m no longer indifferent. I haven’t touched alcohol and I have no plans of letting myself after the disaster of last weekend, but it’s no longer the effortless ride it was prior to last Saturday. Ever since my god awful hangover had fully worn off (by about Tuesday), I’ve been having to fight against myself not to stop at the liquor store on my way home from work - or from anywhere else for that matter. When I see ads now for any kind of alcohol on TV, even beer and wine (which are most definitely not my drinks of choice), it’s like fireworks going off in my brain and the cravings take over until I’m able to ride them out and distract myself long enough. That’s what I meant when I said (in a poorly worded way) that even though it was just one incident, I no longer feel like a bac success story, and am having a hard time posting. Anyway, I hope that you and others can make use of this cautionary tale and do NOT do what I did. I know that many people, once they reach indifference, are able to have a glass or two of wine every once in a while, and I could see how that would work. But forcing yourself to drink the way you used to can literally undo indifference. It’s not completely gone. I’m certainly not craving the way I used to prior to starting bac, it just sucks that it’s a struggle at all. And it sucks even harder that none of this had to happen. I’m hoping that if I just hang on long enough without drinking that the indifference will return, and I’ll probably start taking an extra 25 mg for the foreseeable future until it does. I’ll report back if and when I do reach indifference again, and let you all know what I had to do (if anything) besides just not drinking.

Anyway, I’m really sorry that you’re having to deal with such sh*tty side effects, and I’m sorry I have no advice for you. But it seems like there are some good people on the other thread with good ideas who have been there. Hang in there and stay the course. You’re doing great, and you won’t regret what you had to do to reach indifference. But once you get there, hold on to it and nurture it. It truly is an amazing gift.

[nicnak68]

Hi LIS
Sorry to hear life's shit at the mo
Why do you think you are no longer indifferent?
I was indifferent for 16 days when I had probes with my meds coming from abroad and had to start again and feeling I will have to go above my switch dose which I don't understand.
I spose this is why Bac is having such a hard time,even if it were by some miracle get licensed for alcohol they wouldn't know how to dose it.....which I spose it means it wouldn't get licensed

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Dude! First of all, I am not exaggerating when I tell you that just about everyone has a blip or two or three after indifference. Terryk didn't, that I know of, but he's an anomaly anyway, so he doesn't count.

Second of all, far be it for me to give advice about how or when to take baclofen, much less a direct, um, request. But sister, you need to take more baclofen. Like today. And tomorrow. And for the foreseeable future. The craving thing? That isn't cool. It's not going to go away on it's own, either. What's more, true indifference means that you can have a blip or 6 without reverting to craving. Ya' need more pills. Just sayin'.
:hug: