Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Lis, I wonder if there is a correlation between the fact that you eased up on yourself and a cessation of cravings. I wonder if I did that, if I would find that the cravings aren't so overwhelming. Dunno. Haven't tried it!

[Lostinspace]

Stevo - I’m so sorry to hear that your mom is too far gone to even be able to read about an approach to quitting drinking. That must be so hard to see. I’m glad you got a little respite from it all at your brother-in-law’s place, though. It’s great that you have a little mini-escape during this stressful trip. I’ll continue to send out many positive vibes your way. I hope the rest of your trip goes well. “See” you again soon.

dun - Thanks for checking in. And yeah, nature is so cool! I live about four miles outside of town and I love to sit on my deck and watch the animals that pass through. We see wild turkeys and deer in our yard, but never a bobcat. That’s so awesome!

Ne - Sorry to hear about the rats That’s frustrating (and gross). That’s a really interesting thought about my cravings lessening because I’ve eased up on myself. I think the bulk of it is because I’ve temporarily gone up on bac until I reach indifference again, but you’re probably right that, now that I’ve put the whip down and the self-flagellation is easing off, that overwhelming desire to drink would ease up, too. You should definitely try it, not only because self-hatred is a useless state to be in, but because you’re a really smart, funny, caring, and overall great person. You don’t deserve any negative talk - especially coming from yourself!

[StuckinLA]

Don't forget to set your clocks back, everybody. Jeez, most people - my girl included - get an extra hour to sleep in today. For me it just means I'm up an hour earlier. What, oh what, to do with my day?

I was maybe a bit melodramatic the other day. I'm all right, overall. Drinking too much, that's for sure, and starting too early in the day, but I will turn things around.

Most of my job applications are in now, and deciding if I want to bother with a couple more. Then it's just wait and see how things go. I don't like my current jobs - though of course I'm fortunate to have them - and it's kind of like watching my career slip into oblivion in slow motion.

Anyway, with the depressing application process more or less out of the way for now, hopefully there will be time to turn to other things.

Hope y'all are having a good Sunday.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m glad to hear things are alright overall. The job application process really is stressful and depressing as hell. Glad it’s mostly over for now. Why do you think your career is slipping into oblivion? You’re barely out of grad school! It took me several years to get a good job with my education. I’m not saying it’ll take that long for you. I’m only saying that just because you didn’t land your dream job right out of school doesn’t mean that everything’s going downhill from here. Keep the faith. If you keep putting yourself out there, you’ll eventually get something you love.

So, I’m feeling extremely grateful today. My friend who I blew up at a couple weekends ago called me last night. Turns out she didn’t actually delete me from her phone like she said she would. She wrestled back and forth with whether or not to ditch me completely, but ultimately decided that our friendship was too valuable to throw away over one (admittedly horrible) incident. We had a good talk about everything, and at the end of the conversation she even said that she wants me to come back again at some point in the future. She said “you owe me a GOOD visit,” to which I heartily agreed.

In other good news: yesterday was the first day since the drinking incident a couple weekends ago where, not only did I not have any cravings, the thought of drinking held absolutely no appeal to me. And so far today it’s been the same. I passed two liquor stores on the way to do my weekly grocery shopping and it was only once I had gotten home that I realized it didn’t even occur to me that they were there. They might as well have been mattress stores because they blended into the background and my brain didn’t know the difference. I hesitate to say that I’ve gone back to being indifferent once again since it’s been such a short time, but this is a very good sign indeed. Anyway, needless to say I am one happy camper today. I hope everyone out there is also having a good one

[Stevo]

G'day to everyone,

So here's the latest from my trip to spend some time with my family.
I wound up out at an old friends house with my brother in law on Saturday night,there was a lot of drinking and partying in general which I took part in.It was a good night and we came back to my sisters yesterday morning as she did a roast for lunch and a heap of people were invited.An old friend needed to get a lift out here so I offered to pick him up.How could anything go wrong?

I got about 5 kms from my sisters house and the police pulled me over for speeding,I was doing 96 in am 80 zone(I thought it was a 100 zone).I asked the officer what had lead them to pull me over and he informed me of my speeding.Then he pulls out a breathalyser and gets me to blow in it,the reading indicates that I am over the limit.I am left standing on the side of the road for an hour whilst the police do secondary breath tests and drug tests.I hadn't had a drink since the night before but it doesn't matter I am over.
I dealt with them respectfully and I inform them that I would never have gotten in the car if I had have known that I was still over the limit.The police officer explains to me that depending the results of the drug tests and my background check they may be able to issue me with an on the spot fine type thing.
Everything comes back good and they gave me $750 worth of fines and I lost my licence in the state I am in right now for 6 months.I had no idea that there was a penalty which allowed for a licence to be suspended in only one state but apparently there is so I go back to my state on Tuesday and I will still be able to drive,phew.

These types of incidents are not the norm in my life and I find it quite ironic that I come back to where I grew up to get in trouble with the police.
Seriously though it could have been much worse,I may have had to come back here for a court appearance and I could have had my licence suspended Australia wide.
I feel like a complete idiot today and my anxiety is through the roof but I take a little solace in knowing it could have been much worse and at 10:00 tomorrow morning I will be going home to my peaceful life again ha.

Glad to hear you are going better LIS and Stuck.
Hope you can get the rats sorted soon Ne and Dun I hope you have a great time where you are at the moment,thanks for the positive vibes again guys it is truly appreciated.

Cheers Stevo.

[StuckinLA]

Well shit, Stevo. I'm so sorry to hear about all that. I'm glad it's not as bad as it could have been.

I used to drive drunk all the time. Every night I wasn't at work I should have been arrested, all through my 20s. It wasn't until I moved to California and really truly stopped driving drunk that I ran into problems. Whenever I went back home, it seemed, something would come up and I'd get arrested. Karma catching up with me, i guess. Point is, bad things happen when visiting home.

Sorry buddy.

Lis, awesome to hear that your friend called. Really hope things look up from here.

[Lostinspace]

Oh my god, Stevo! I’m so sorry that happened. Getting in trouble with the police is always horrifying, but I would think especially so when you’re out of town. Thank god it wasn’t any worse than it was. Please don’t feel like an idiot. We all make mistakes and you honestly didn't know you still had anything in your system. Like Stuck, I used to drive drunk routinely. I paid for it dearly when I got an aggravated DWI over three years ago and couldn’t drive for two and half years (along with $2,250 in fines and a whole host of other legal penalties). But I got past the shame and feeling like an idiot, and am now just using it as a learning experience. I hope you can cut yourself some slack and do the same. I also hope you can move past the anxiety over everything enough to get through the rest of your visit. Take care of yourself. I’ll be thinking about you :hug:

Edited to add: I’m not saying what happened to you was as bad as what I did (I had been drinking as recently as a half hour earlier when I got arrested). I know you didn’t realize you were still under the influence. I just meant you shouldn’t beat yourself up and to see it as a learning experience for the future (i.e. alcohol doesn’t leave your system as quickly as you might think). Also, I just want to send you big internet hugs because I know how terrifying it is to go through that.

[Stevo]

All good LIS,no need to explain at all.

I am home now and all I have to do is pay the fines,it is so good to be home.I went walking around the CBD of my home town yesterday and my anxiety went through the roof,I was physically ill but because I had my sons with me and my nephew I had to soldier through it.
There are so many bad memories down there for me that it became very clear that although dealing with my family is very hard for me being geographically located in that area is in itself not good for me too.I was a menace of a teenager and young man and this place is connected to so much in my life that I find painful.
Overall though I think that for the majority of the time down there I felt as at ease as possible(probably 60% of the time).

I got to try to explain to my sister where I am at these days and what living with PTSD is like.I am not too sure if she could fully understand or if she really wanted to but I let her know that this is the reason that I moved so far away and I don't come to visit.
I could never have come to the point where I am now if I hadn't have left all those years ago.
My mum is in a terrible way and she is making every excuse that an active alky makes to justify and continue their drinking.I did get to speak to her about Dr.A's book but as soon as she caught wind of what it was about she just shut off.
You can lead a horse to water(sometimes)LOL.
I left her last night having a scotch,She told me that she wanted to live and she would see me again.I think it is a don't want to live yet don't want to die situation.
I definitely didn't want to be a pushy idealist as our last interaction if it is should not be producing anything negative.I am not a pushy idealist anyway but I guess when you see your mum so close to death which could be slowed down if she didn't drink it is a little tempting.More like a plea for her life to be extended.

Anywho,it is good to be back home.I could not drink like most do down there anymore and I wouldn't want to(well I probably could but then my bac journey would amount to a complete waste).I like what bac has done for me and my life and to drink like an out of control menace is not what I want at all anymore.

I am going to spend some time AF now that I am back and continue titrating back up to my switch dose again as I have mentioned before if I find that I get the urge to have a few.

LIS and Stuck thanks for your stories,they did make me feel better and allowed me to remember that I am not the first and I won't be the last.

I hope all are well and until next time,

Cheers Stevo.

[MeJustMe]

Hi all, sorry it's been a while, had a work project to get out of the way and had to go away on the weekend in the middle of it all. The job's done now, I'm feeling pretty relieved.

LIS - I am happy for you that your friend has made contact -- that is good news. Even better, that AL is starting to not bother you -- fantastic news!

Stevo -- I am really sorry you've been hit with a DUI -- and while it is small consolation, as others have said, it could've been worse, much worse. Good reason for you to not go back to your home state eh? Sounds like the visit was really hard but good on you for giving it a good go and getting out of there relatively unscathed.

Stuck -- Good to hear things are looking up a bit. I'm trying to remember, are you on Bac these days? Something makes me thing you're not. I hope you can find a way to ease up on the AL.

Ne -- Rats eh? Not good. Having them scratching around up there can't be any fun. I know you've been posting about reaching indifference and I hope you reach it soon.

I rode my motorcycle 3 hours down the coast for the weekend to go to a wedding of my wife's best friend (my wife and the kids went in the car). The ride was fantastic -- I think having a bike I always wanted and being sober makes a huge difference. I was on a high for a few hours when I got down there, replaying in my mind the ride I just had. I remember doing that before. Riding a motorcycle requires such focus you can't be wondering off thinking about other things. I loved it, and the ride back just as much.

The people getting married, and their friends, are all big drinkers. I wasn't the slightest bit interested in AL, but it was still hard. I found myself shutting down a bit, not really wanting to talk to people. There were two big buckets full of beer and champagne and one with diet pepsi and lemonade. I must've drunk most of the Pepsi! I wanted to have a drink in my hand all the time, maybe so no-one would ask if I wanted a beer (they did that plenty of times anyway, I've had big drinking sessions with a few of them) or maybe because I was nervous. Anyway, I managed to talk to a few people, including a guy who was into motorcycles. That was an easy conversation to have!

My daughter was exhausted by 8pm (the wedding started at 2.30pm) and wanted to go back to the motel. So I took her back and my wife and son came back later in a cab. I was happy to take my daughter back, and not just for her sake! It was a nice wedding in a great location on the beach but with all the drinking (even though I wasn't at all tempted) it was a relief to get out of there.

No much else to say. My mum seems to have settled into her new nursing home and is actually a bit happier now. My work is still busy but not as crazy busy and stressful as last week.

[Mentium]

Hello all. I'm still new to this forum. On the baclofen journey - 22 days and still drinking and waiting for something to 'happen'...

I have been posting on the baclofen related threads but I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed..if that is the right word..'got out of' is probably a better term..this thread.

[Lostinspace]

Stevo - I’m glad to hear that the trip was mostly OK, or at least tolerable. It’s so hard to go back to a place where you have tons of bad memories. I often feel that way when I go to visit my parents - not because of them, but because of all the sights around town and the horrible memories associated with them. Oh, and I was also a bit of a nightmare teen myself - ha! I’m sorry your mom wasn’t receptive to Dr. A’s book. You did what you could and at least you planted a seed. If she ever decides she’s ready to do something, she’ll at least know where to turn for some help. It sounds like it was a good experience overall, though, because you got the chance to remember where you came from and to reflect on how much better things are now.

MJM - I’m glad you’re enjoying the bike. Sounds like it’s almost a meditative experience, for lack of a better word - just you and the road, with everything else far away from your mind. That’s so great that you found something like that! Sorry you had to be around all the drinking, though. Even when you’re not tempted, it can be annoying and draining. Mentally you’re not on the same level as people who are drinking, so it can be hard to have an actual conversation.

Mentium - I’m happy to hear you’re finding this thread helpful. Feel free to post here, too, if you’d like. The more the merrier. This thread started out mostly baclofen-related, and still is at times, but has evolved into a place for people to talk about anything - vent about the crap in life, celebrate the successes, etc.

So I think it’s fairly safe to say that I’ve gone back to indifference. Nothing has changed since Saturday - I still couldn’t care less about drinking I’ve been wondering, though, what would have happened if I had just had, say, a glass of wine over dinner when I went to visit my friend, rather than forcing myself to chug down vodka continuously from the time I woke up. I don’t plan on testing it out, mostly because I just don’t have any desire to. But I’m curious if my recent surge in cravings, then drop back to indifference after such a short period of time, was some kind of physical reaction to a sudden overload of booze. It probably doesn’t even matter, I just like answers. Oh well. I hope everyone out there is having a good one!

[Molly78]

Didn't Ameisen find that drinking alcohol brought back the craving the following day? He mentions taking extra bac for this reason on the day after.

[Lostinspace]

Yeah, I think you’re right Molly. But this was more than just a day. The cravings came back for several days and were pretty tough to deal with at times. The desire to drink here and there lingered even longer than that. I think I just overloaded my system by drinking like that. Lesson learned.

[Molly78]

I guess you did. He mentions having "a few vodka & tonics", sounds like you went way over that! I'm glad to hear you've got back to indifference.

[Otter]

bump