Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Morning, peeps. Too long since I've popped in over here, and I'm not staying long enough this morning to catch up on everything.

Lis, I know you don't often feel like you're a "success" story, but I think you're one and I really, really wish you would drop a note on your experience on the Sweet Success thread. People need to know that there are lots of ways, lots of roller-coaster life-stuff, to get to the point of indifference. We each have a different (but similar) tale to tell. And that thread is old and dead and shouldn't be. It would be a personal favor. But if you don't wanna, as I said to Kronk, I will not be totally crushed beyond all sense of okayness.

[Lostinspace]

I'll do it, Ne. Give me some time. My story is reeeeeeally long, but I'll do it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Short and sweet, then. You can flush it out later.

Thanks.
:hug:

[Lostinspace]

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a proper update, so I’ll throw one out here now, even if just for my own record. I’ve been experiencing some pretty monumental anxiety and having panic attacks about work recently. I’ve said and done some things recently that make me look pretty incompetent and am hugely fearful that it’s only a matter of time before they fire my stupid ass. I’m prescribed ativan as needed, whether it’s for a full-blown panic attack, or for the kind of gut-wrenching anxiety that keeps me from being able to focus on anything else (and keeps me from doing my job). I’ve needed to take it pretty much every day for the last week or so. I’ve also started to go for my walks again recently to help take the edge off. Even though I have Raynaud’s disease, and going out in cold weather is downright dangerous for me, I’ve found that if I’m properly bundled up, and I keep chemical hand-warming pouches in my coat pockets (where I keep my gloved hands the entire time I’m walking), I can still get out at this time of year. I can probably even tolerate another ten degree drop before I’ll have to call it quits and head back to the gym for a few months to get my physical activity.

What I haven’t needed to do is take is extra bac. I most definitely will if any cravings start to rear their ugly head, but somehow, through all of this panic and stress, I still have no interest in drinking. I’ve had plenty of moments of longing to get out of my head, but it’s in more of a “let’s watch this Netflix series that I recently got into” sort of way of getting out of my head. The thought of drinking still disinterests me. In fact, I would say that I probably have less of an interest in drinking than most non-alcoholics I know. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard people who don’t drink much at all say that they needed a beer or three when they felt stressed out. This is all pretty amazing.

Anyway, I just wanted to share what life is like now for this ex-alcoholic - and I do mean ex-alcoholic. I don’t like the term “recovering alcoholic” because it implies that you’re never done, that you’re only getting better, but never achieving the end goal. I now feel like I have achieved the end goal. I am an EX-alcoholic

Stuck - are you still out there? I know you’re super busy with your classes, but try to drop us a line sometime. Anyway, I hope everyone out there is having a nice weekend!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

That is so great to hear, Lis and I'm so happy for you.

I'm sorry about the anxiety, though. Is the ativan helping? Is it something specific or are you just stuck on the hamster wheel of not feeling competent enough?

Ed gets stuck there sometimes. Usually after he feels like he messes something up (like many of us, he feels the need to be on top of everything at all times) or after he goes on vacation. (ha!) I try to gently remind him that people don't just get flat out fired. Unless they do something really egregious, of course. Usually there are a whole bunch of things that happen first. Like a boss or coworker will suggest that things aren't right. And remediation. And write ups. And all that jazz. So if you're not hearing that from anyone but yourself, which is what happens to him, then perhaps you're doing just fine at work? Maybe not your best. Maybe not the best. But better than many and well, just fine.

It's just a thought.

Many hugs, my friend.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks for the hugs, Ne. Right back atcha :hug: The ativan does help to a huge degree. It stops the panic and the whirlwind of overwhelming anxious thoughts that keeps me from being able to focus on anything else. But there’s still always an underlying, bowling ball in the pit of my stomach type anxiety beneath it all. I’ve had a big case of (I think it was Stuck who referred to it this way) impostor syndrome ever since I started working there. I’m in a position that would normally only be given to someone with a PhD. They were willing to give me a shot based on the fact that I do have some grad school level education and research experience, but it’s painfully obvious that I’m not in the same league as the others there. I’ve made some pretty stupid mistakes, and have gotten several bits of criticism, recently. I was also criticized for the way I handle criticism (apparently I’m too sensitive). I don’t know how they can even see that. I try my absolute best to hide the fact that I’m dying inside when they tell me what I’m doing is either wrong, or not the best way of going about things, but I guess it’s still obvious. All of this has been weighing heavily on me. I really love my new job and I can’t even imagine how devastated I would be if they let me go. It’s hard not to be driven into a panic in the light of recent events. However, for the first time in a while I don’t have to work this weekend, so I’m going to try my absolute damnedest to take my mind off things and enjoy these two days of respite. Wow, that was long. Sorry!

[nicnak68]

Hmmm,very interesting
Think I need to do a new thread

[Ne/Neva Eva]

It sounds maybe like it's feedback and because you see it as criticism, they're giving you feedback that you're too sensitive.

I feel ya'. I have no advice. I have no idea how to handle feedback, much less criticism. I'm terrified of fucking up when I start nursing. Not because I might hurt someone (though that's true) but because when people point it out I want to crawl in a hole and cry.

I messed something up yesterday that had nothing to do with how the patient got her care, but made everything a bit confusing and messy for a while. It was really embarrassing. Made the nurse I was working with look bad and may have put a mark on her "permanent record" because she had to delete a bunch of stuff. (Nurses can't really delete things because it's too official, so there has to be quite a bit of explanation, and she couldn't say, "I'm precepting an idiot.") Anyway. I got through it, but not without some chemical help. (Oh, and one of the nurses involved was VERY blunt and not particularly gentle. She was basically like, "You fucked this up, figure it out and fix it." ha. No surprise that she does not ever work with new nurses.)

Anyway. I feel you. I also know for a fact that it's in your head and you are not going to get fired. And I told you before that impostor syndrome is actually good in the beginning. It leaves room to be humble and to learn and not to be an asshole who thinks they know everything. I had an article. Did I post it? If I didn't, it's long gone. But it's got to be true, because I read it on the internet.
xx

[Lostinspace]

nicnak - You definitely should start your own thread. It’s a great way to both keep a record of your journey for your own personal information, and (more importantly) to get support.

Ne - I’m sorry you had to go through that yesterday. That must have been really nerve-racking and I completely understand wanting to crawl into a hole and cry. I feel that way every single time I’m given “constructive criticism.” I hope you’re right that it’s all in my head. I have a really hard time gauging reality in these types of situations. As for impostor syndrome being a good thing? I guess you’re right - in a sense. I sure as hell don’t walk around at my job like I know everything because I know that’s far from the truth. I ask questions when I’m not sure if I’m thinking about/going about something in the right way. But unfortunately, that further feeds my anxiety, because I worry that they’re perceiving all my questions as evidence that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Ugh. I don’t know. I do know that I’ve gone through brief periods at this job where I felt like I was pretty on top of my game for the project I was currently working on. I hope to god I can save face and get back to that place really soon.

[Stevo]

G'day to everyone who posts in here,

Apologies for not posting here much lately,the meds section has been very active lately and I have been contributing in other area as most of you would already know.

I see this thread as a more personal place than the other threads and have only ever really posted here when I really have had something to say anyway.
Well tonight I think I have something to say.

Sometimes I feel like I use Here we go again as a place to pour out my troubles,so I apologise in advance.

I have had to interact with my sister quite a lot recently,it almost seems like she thinks that all is forgotten and we can just pick where we left off over 5 years ago.
I am not going to bore you guys too much with details but today I got a message from her which on the surface seemed harmless yet I have been cursed with the ability to see right through the superficial that most people seem quite happy to indulge in.
She wants to pay for some boards that I have already told her I didn't want her money for.I insist that I don't want her money and she says well is there something nice that you want that I can get for you?
I respond with what I would really like is for you to take some responsibility for your actions and please send my kids a christmas card this year.She has not sent any birthday or christmas presents to them in 5 years.
Immediately she is defensive and winds up telling me that if I can't be civil she would be more than happy to cut off any contact.This would be fine for me but my kids got to see their cousin for the first time in 5 years when we went to be with my family a couple of weeks ago and they were and still are very excited about the reunion especially my 9 year old who remembers his cousin from when he was a smaller child.
I tell her that I have not been uncivilised and that all I really want is that she take some responsibility for the fact that they had not seen each other for so long.Prior to some terrible choices that she made 5 years ago my sister and I had a great relationship,she was the only family member that I wanted to have anything to do with.
Anywho,I tell her that it is not necessary to cut contact as I would like our children to know each other.
Next thing I know I receive a message stating that she understands that I am unable to let things from the past go and that implied that she was blameless and the real issue was my PTSD.
What she was so cunningly doing was trying to absolve herself of any responsibility by manipulating the situation to seem like I was somehow insane.
I know that I told you guys that I felt that being down there was a good opportunity to try to explain to my sister what living with PTSD was like for me but I fear now that she is going to use it to completely shirk any responsibility for her own actions.Allowing her a new opportunity to establish impunity.
It sickens me to know that the things I told her have immediately become new ammunition in her warped arsenal to justify her own behavior.Not to mention that what I said to her has obviously not been interpreted by her as it was intended.
The message I received was a well crafted attempt to concrete her own impunity whilst making me seem like a nutcase wrapped in fairy floss.I don't know if the diplomacy sandwich is something you guys have heard of(it is a constructive and positive way to give negative feedback)but this message was a macabre version of this.

I guess that I just needed to get that off my chest somewhere.

On a lighter note,I until til today have been recovering quite well from my trip down south.Each day I have felt like my life was returning back to normal.My mum seems to be going well and hasn't been drinking much from what I can tell(although it is hard to ascertain exactly what is going on from 2000 kms away) and if she keeps this up she may be around for a bit longer than first expected.
I am still going up on the bac and am on 137.5mg at the moment,5 more mg until I am back on my switch dose.I drank on the weekend but found it easy to pull up when I wanted to.I will continue to go up though and actually think that I will go a bit higher than my switch dose before I begin to head back down.I have no time limit or agenda on how any of these things will happen,I will just play it by ear and see what happens.

As always I hope everyone is well and until next time,

Cheers Stevo.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

It sounds like you want her to be more involved in family, but that she did something 5 years ago for which you haven't forgiven her and she has not taken responsibility for. Right?

I wonder, Stevo, if whatever she did is something that you can let go? I mean really let it go? And then pretend as though it never happened and she can bring her kids to visit you?

I can tell you this, I haven't sent a birthday or Christmas card in more years than I can count. Why? Not because I don't care but because I suck at putting a stamp on an envelope and getting it into the box in front of my house within certain periods of time. Seriously. It's a major shortcoming. Thank God for email, otherwise I would barely communicate with my siblings and their kids. Which is NOT what I want at all... But I'm lousy at this stuff. Don't get me wrong, I understand where you're coming from. But maybe she feels really guilty about it and still can't get her shit together to send a card. That's my problem, anyway. I am NOT making excuses for her, since I obviously don't know the situation.

If she has enough money to offer to buy you something or give you some, when you have made it clear that you really don't want it and won't take it...Perhaps the next step is to just invite her down? (Or up or around. Not sure.)

Make sure that they stay in a hotel! I've made that mistake with relatives before, when things are rocky, it's a really good idea to have some space to retreat to. Or better yet, they could rent something from Airbnb. Much more personal and you could even arrange it.

At the moment, though, it sounds as though you need more space from your family than you have and I think maybe that's the first priority. Ya' know?

Glad your mom's doing better than expected. Sorry the family thing is so tough.
:hug:

[Stevo]

Thanks Ne,

This situation has disintegrated into nothingness for me,it is all about the kids now.I can have a bit of peace in my life if they would just stay away and leave me alone but as I said it really is for the kids that I am keeping any sort of contact open.

I am ready and willing to forgive anyone for past indiscretions,it is my nature but there is a proviso.Any attempt to make peace or smooth over situations that have been detrimental to myself must be addressed honestly and sincerely.
I don't know why I insist that this is the way things need to be done,it is just the way I am.
I don't do bullshit.

I have told her this and she is very aware of my stance but still seems hell bent on justifying herself instead of owning her part.

When 2 parties have an issue and only 1 of them is willing to truly come to the table and meet the other half way,no real resolution can be found.For her to not only be unwilling to take any responsibility but now be trying to justify her actions by belittling me leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.

Contact with my family is something that I can quite happily live without and I am not interested in birthday/christmas cards and phone calls.None of them have contacted me on these occasions for many years,I actually think for me it is a good thing.

Spending time with them has opened a whole new can of worms where the children are involved though.

One last thing,you suggested that she may be feeling guilty,I wish this was the case.I could relate to and understand that but sadly what I am contending with is a person who has made a lot of nasty movements that have hurt a lot of people out of spite,bitterness and malice and now she is trying to cover her tracks.
It is easier for her to point the finger at someone else than admit that what she has done was wrong.

Thanks for your input Ne,it is appreciated.

I understand that it is very hard to try to interpret a situation when not all of the details are given.I couldn't possibly do that on here so I try to state some main points or events to describe how and why I feel like I do.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Sorry, Stevo. I was hopeful. But it doesn't sound at all healthy for you. I'm sorry about that, too.

[kronkcarr]

Thanks Ne,

This situation has disintegrated into nothingness for me,it is all about the kids now.I can have a bit of peace in my life if they would just stay away and leave me alone but as I said it really is for the kids that I am keeping any sort of contact open.

I am ready and willing to forgive anyone for past indiscretions,it is my nature but there is a proviso.Any attempt to make peace or smooth over situations that have been detrimental to myself must be addressed honestly and sincerely.
I don't know why I insist that this is the way things need to be done,it is just the way I am.
I don't do bullshit.

I have told her this and she is very aware of my stance but still seems hell bent on justifying herself instead of owning her part.

When 2 parties have an issue and only 1 of them is willing to truly come to the table and meet the other half way,no real resolution can be found.For her to not only be unwilling to take any responsibility but now be trying to justify her actions by belittling me leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth.

Contact with my family is something that I can quite happily live without and I am not interested in birthday/christmas cards and phone calls.None of them have contacted me on these occasions for many years,I actually think for me it is a good thing.

Spending time with them has opened a whole new can of worms where the children are involved though.

One last thing,you suggested that she may be feeling guilty,I wish this was the case.I could relate to and understand that but sadly what I am contending with is a person who has made a lot of nasty movements that have hurt a lot of people out of spite,bitterness and malice and now she is trying to cover her tracks.
It is easier for her to point the finger at someone else than admit that what she has done was wrong.

Thanks for your input Ne,it is appreciated.

I understand that it is very hard to try to interpret a situation when not all of the details are given.I couldn't possibly do that on here so I try to state some main points or events to describe how and why I feel like I do.

Stevo,

I understand what you're saying about staying involved for your kids. I guess you'd help yourself if you don't expect much from your sister. It sounds like you have a good read on her behavior and it seems she's been the same for the last years. You may find some comfort if you don't open yourself so much to her and if you can remember that she does this behavior to all.

Thanks for sharing your life here.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

^^^^^^^^
That is a very good suggestion, Kronk.