Here we go again

[Stevo]

Hi Kronk and thanks for the suggestion,

I have kept myself safe and in a much more peaceful place by guarding my true self from the people concerned,it is a given.
My sister was for the most of her life a very caring person,it wasn't until she got divorced from her first husband that she became bitter and twisted.When I disclosed to her in an attempt to have her understand where I was coming from and what my life was like I thought that just maybe she had reverted back to her former self.
LOL,was I mistaken?

You live,you learn and I most definitely will not be talking to her about anything personal to me from now on haha.

I can't help but have a bit of a laugh as I am writing this,I am usually much more diligent.
When I got down there and saw that I thought she may have had a change of heart I guess I wanted for the relationship that we used to have to be started again.
Hindsight is always 20/20.

Thanks for your input,I really do appreciate it.

Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

Stevo - I’m so sorry to hear about what happened with your sister. It’s hard when you want to rekindle a relationship with a sibling that you once had. I tried to do that with my brother who was also irrevocably changed after his first fiancee left him (this was many years ago). I just eventually had to accept that he’s no longer the brother I grew up with and take it from there. It’s nowhere near the same situation as what I’m gathering from what you’ve written, but I know how much it sucks when relationships just can’t work out the way you feel they should. Anyway, I hope you can work out something with your sister whereby she still lets the cousins get together, but where you two can be really minimally involved with each other. I’m glad to hear your mom is doing much better.

[MeJustMe]

Hi everyone, I've not posted for a while -- been flat-out. I drop in occasionally but never have the time to do much but skim through posts.

Ne -- I'm sorry that you feel so bad about making a mistake at work -- this can be, depending on your mindset at the time, crippling. Time is the healer, I think, and one of the few things I learned in AA was self-analysis -- ie what was my part in it, what can I learn form it and to whom do I need to make amends? Don't know if that's useful to you.
LIS -- Your anxiety at work doesn't sound like any fun -- I'm sorry that you are going through it. But I am glad you are on the track you want to be with sobriety!

Stevo -- I relate a lot to what you are saying about family, and wanting a relationship with them not so much for you but the kids. All I can say is that some people are best left alone for one's own sanity. Your sister sounds like one of those people, although I'd add 'never say never'. My brother-in-law and his wife have dissed us completely for the last four years or so, over something so stupid that the mind boggles. I don't feel the slightest bit responsible or guilty for what happened, and still can't quite believe the idiocy of it all. Never mind.
As for me, well all is going well generally. I have been sober for something like six weeks. I have had times recently where I feel a bit bored, but no inclination to have a drink. Still on 150mg. I'll stay there for a while because I also have my down days -- days like Monday where I have felt anxious and unable to get into work. I have plenty to do, that's for sure. Eventually I got on the exercise bike for 10min and did a 10-minute meditation, and took my afternoon Bac a bit early. Something worked, for a hour or so later I began to feel calm.
I have noticed that in times of stress, I get the worst Bac-induced 'jet-lag'. yesterday I had to go to a short-notice job and while I though I was okay I was stressed when I think about it -- i was well out of my comfort zone with a particular part of the job. By 8.30pm I was exhausted and had to close my eyes watching TV. Eventually I dragged myself to bed but it was hard.
Smoking is still a problem. I stopped last week, then started again when we had a family problem blow up over the w/end (gotta love families, eh Stevo? ). I am smoking less by taking nicotine lozenges, but my asthma is still there, esp at night waking me up and also I think not helping the snoring. This morning I woke up feeling almost as bad as when I had hang-overs.
The feeling depressed and wanting some kind of escape (hence going back to smoking) is a worry.
Still, this sober life is well worth it, I want to keep working on goals of exercise, meditation and being healthy (no smoking). My tendency is to want everything done by yesterday or give up, so I'm trying to chip away at things and not give myself a hard time for not doing things perfectly.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hulllloooooooooooooooo!

[Lostinspace]

Hi Ne. Sorry for the late response. I never did find time to post again after heading off to my brother’s. But I’m home now, and I guess the time is ripe for an update. It was really nice to see my family over the holidays, but what was even nicer was having four days in a row off from work. Prior to this long weekend, I hadn’t had even a single full day off of work for almost three weeks. And thanks to my ever-worrying mind, I had only been getting around three, or when I’m lucky, four hours of sleep a night. The medication I take to help me fall asleep still knocks me out, but then I wake up around three hours later with my mind swirling round and round and round. I have now slept peacefully for five nights in a row and I feel wonderfully human and clear-thinking once again.

But on a less positive note, I’ve been backsliding on this whole learning how to live like a sober adult thing. I haven’t been drinking at all, and I haven’t had any desire to, but I’ve been craving escape. I’ve been having to bring work home with me, in addition to going in on weekends, up until this past four day weekend, and my stress levels have been through the roof, so I feel I need I a break. So as much as I’m embarrassed to admit, for the last week and a half or so (barring the nights I spent at my brother’s house), I’ve been smoking weed in the evenings. I need to develop a better break - like going back to the gym now that it’s too cold, and too dark when I get home, to go for my evening walks. I will work on that immediately. Anyway, I hope everyone out there is doing well.

[Molly78]

LIS, that craving escape is familiar to a lot of us here! When alcohol no longer does it, it's natural to look for something else. Most people here seem to find exercise does the trick .Can't say I'm one of them, but gardening is my thing in the summer - I'm out til it gets too dark to see! Long dark winter evenings are a bugger, aren't they?

[dundrinkn]

I so get this, LIS. I don't like to smoke weed, but occasionally dip into edibles. The problem for me with it is that it isn't a great escape -- it more often then not puts me way, way, way up in my head where I just grind on something. I am currently trying to sink down into, and hopefully through, whatever it is that keeps me feeling so empty. So far, not there yet. But I find that exercise can help lift my mood, but past a certain point that is just trying to escape as well.

I went to float yesterday. I think I was planning on that being my next "escape". Unfortunately, it had a weird effect on me. And last night I couldn't sleep! I couldn't get to sleep and once I did, I kept waking up. Bah! I can almost always sleep and love to do it. So not sure what the fuck is going on with my brain. But I'm not happy about it. Sorry to be Debbie downer on your thread. I will stop now.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Molly. I used to exercise. I’ve gotten lazy ever since I made the transition from working out at the gym, to just walking outside each evening, to doing nothing because it’s too cold outside to walk. I really should go back to the gym, but I have so little motivation. I’m trying to work out how to light a fire under my ass to go back there.

Thanks, dun. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so empty recently. I hope you can work through what it is. And I’m sorry about the sh*tty night sleep. I hate nights like that, but I wouldn’t be so quick to blame it on the floatation. You’ve loved it so far. Although I have to say that I think those flotation devices sound a little frightening. Are you able to let yourself out whenever you want or do you have to wait for them to let you out at the end of a session?

[Stevo]

Just dropping in to say a quick g'day,

I have been getting on here everyday and reading what people have to say and have wanted to post in this thread for the last couple of weeks,but due to some of the things that have gone on in my life in the last month or so I have become very depressed and didn't really want to bore you guys with my problems.
I am in an almost constant cycle of wanting to end it all with the rare respite of a little happiness.I don't sleep and my head just won't stop with a constant loop of regret,remorse and sadness.I haven't spoken to anyone about this really other than my psychologist but haven't seen him now for almost 2 weeks.I don't want to burden my partner and family with how I feel although I am sure that she knows that something is not right.
The recent events in my life have dropped me right back where I was almost 20 years ago,it is as though the wounds have been reopened and the pain is as fresh as it could have ever been.
It is really strange that I feel this way but don't want to drink.I mean everything in me says just drink and forget atleast for a little bit but I am completely indifferent to AL and it seems like it is not a reasonable option.

Anywho...I don't want to drag you guys down with my dribble,I just wanted to touch base and let you guys know that I am still around and thinking of y'all.

As always I hope that everyone is well and I will be looking forward to reading your posts although I may not be posting much myself.

Cheers Stevo.

[kuya]

Just dropping in to say a quick g'day,

I have been getting on here everyday and reading what people have to say and have wanted to post in this thread for the last couple of weeks,but due to some of the things that have gone on in my life in the last month or so I have become very depressed and didn't really want to bore you guys with my problems.
I am in an almost constant cycle of wanting to end it all with the rare respite of a little happiness.I don't sleep and my head just won't stop with a constant loop of regret,remorse and sadness.I haven't spoken to anyone about this really other than my psychologist but haven't seen him now for almost 2 weeks.I don't want to burden my partner and family with how I feel although I am sure that she knows that something is not right.
The recent events in my life have dropped me right back where I was almost 20 years ago,it is as though the wounds have been reopened and the pain is as fresh as it could have ever been.
It is really strange that I feel this way but don't want to drink.I mean everything in me says just drink and forget atleast for a little bit but I am completely indifferent to AL and it seems like it is not a reasonable option.

Anywho...I don't want to drag you guys down with my dribble,I just wanted to touch base and let you guys know that I am still around and thinking of y'all.

As always I hope that everyone is well and I will be looking forward to reading your posts although I may not be posting much myself.

Cheers Stevo.

Hey Stevo.... Come over and have a look at the 3 principles thread.... It might give you a new direction and undo your sadness.

You have nothing to lose :happy2:

[Guitarista]

Just dropping in to say a quick g'day,

I have been getting on here everyday and reading what people have to say and have wanted to post in this thread for the last couple of weeks,but due to some of the things that have gone on in my life in the last month or so I have become very depressed and didn't really want to bore you guys with my problems.
I am in an almost constant cycle of wanting to end it all with the rare respite of a little happiness.I don't sleep and my head just won't stop with a constant loop of regret,remorse and sadness.I haven't spoken to anyone about this really other than my psychologist but haven't seen him now for almost 2 weeks.I don't want to burden my partner and family with how I feel although I am sure that she knows that something is not right.
The recent events in my life have dropped me right back where I was almost 20 years ago,it is as though the wounds have been reopened and the pain is as fresh as it could have ever been.
It is really strange that I feel this way but don't want to drink.I mean everything in me says just drink and forget atleast for a little bit but I am completely indifferent to AL and it seems like it is not a reasonable option.

Anywho...I don't want to drag you guys down with my dribble,I just wanted to touch base and let you guys know that I am still around and thinking of y'all.

As always I hope that everyone is well and I will be looking forward to reading your posts although I may not be posting much myself.

Cheers Stevo.

Hey Stevo.

Sorry to hear that mate. Let it out by ALL means. You are not boring anybody. Thoughts of wanting to end it all is no place to be Don't suffer in silence. If you are not right, then your loved ones are not right either. Talk about it and let it out. Your psychologist or Doc could be a good place to start right away.

If you are feeling unsafe or unstable tonight, please ring an ambulance, or get yourself to hospital. I hope you don't start drinking, 'cause as you know grog is a depressant and will lower your mood even further, along with removing any clear, rational thinking and then you will be in an even more dangerous place. Can you ring a friend now at least?

Take care of yourself and please keep us posted.

[Stevo]

G'day to everyone,

I need you to know that even though for me it feels like ending it all would be a good thing I just can't do that.I have children that need me and I will not abandon them like I was.I will persevere through it all.
The thing that sucks the most about this is that due to my values surrounding my children I must go on which leaves me in a macabre world of wanting to finish it but not being able to no matter what.It is like an own personal hell type situation.
CBT and every other therapy that has ever been thrown at this has never worked,it really is a matter of hoping that with time the memories pass and I can find a little peace again.
Last time this wound was reopened it took me well over 10 years to begin to come back to normal and I fear that this is what is going to happen again this time.

Fredson your advice is on point but alas due to my foot injury I couldn't possibly walk for an hour let alone 10 minutes.I used to walk every day and I did find it to be a great help but at this stage it is not an option,I wish it was as I too believe that it would help greatly.

Thanks again for your concerns but I am not going anywhere by my own hand.

Cheers Stevo.

[Guitarista]

Swimming Stevo? Foot action optional.

Keep searching. There is a solution. All the best.

[Lostinspace]

Stevo - Sorry for the late response. I wasn’t able to get on here last night. I’m really sorry to hear where you’re at right now. Whether you would actually go through with ending your life or not, that’s a terrible state to live in. Please don’t ever feel like you’re boring anyone here, or bringing us down - you’re not. You need to get this stuff off your chest, so by all means, keep on posting. CBT never really worked for me, either, but sometimes just having someone to talk to can be helpful, so I hope you can get back to see your psychologist. Also, it’s understandable that you don’t want to alarm your partner, but you don’t have to say that you feel like you want to end it all, you can just talk about feeling depressed, and that you’re struggling right now. Or, if not your partner, maybe there’s a good friend you can talk to? Being alone in all this will only compound the depression, and having an empathetic ear can make a big difference. And as important as it is to get it out, it’s equally important to spend time trying your best to distract yourself from all the crap swirling around in your head. Swimming, or some other kind of exercise, is great advice. Getting out and being with friends can also help, even if it feels like the last thing in the world you want to do right now. And try not to use the past as an indicator of what’s to come. It might have taken 10 years to move past this state the last time your old wounds were reopened, but that doesn’t mean it will this time. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but this will end. You will feel better eventually. Hang in there :hug:

[MeJustMe]

Hey Stevo,
I also want to say that the black mood you're going through doesn't have to last ten years to get past it as it did last time all this stuff came up for you. When you're in the thick of it, it is really hard to ask for help but all I can say is try. Even just simple stuff like going for a walk, whatever you can do to help shift the blackness. Also, you have done something bloody incredible for people like us -- you've faced AL addiction and have a life no longer chained to booze. Hang in there mate.