Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Hello all. Stevo - I hope you’re hanging in there. You’re in my thoughts :hug:

I thought I would give a brief update because I did a little experiment last night. Yesterday was a momentous day in my life (for reasons I don’t really feel comfortable saying online), so I decided that I was going to celebrate, as so many other people do, by having a few beers. I explained the experiment to my husband - I had to! I might be able to get away with doing shots in secret, but drinking beer is not so easily hidden. Anyway, he reluctantly agreed to let me try it to see a) if I drink a reasonable amount or if I get carried away, and b) if my cravings return the next day. Well, I bought a 12 pack and brought it home yesterday afternoon on my way home from work. Around dinnertime, I cracked open the first one. It took me over a half hour to get through. I really didn’t even want it, but went through with drinking it for the symbolic celebratory aspect of it. I opened a second one with the same results. I opened a third one and, after just a few sips, I had already lost interest in my little experiment. I finished that third one only because I’m a cheap ass and I hate putting things that are perfectly good down the drain.

So anyway, a brief recap: Three beers, no *real* interest in any of them, I didn’t get even the slightest hint of a buzz, yet I felt no need to keep drinking in order to get one. And today, I am still blissfully free of cravings. I know it’s still very early in the day and, if any cravings do eventually pop up, I’ll take an extra 25 mg. But I’m quite content with the outcome of my experiment, other than the fact that I now have nine useless beers sitting in my refrigerator, which are just gonna get in the way and take up space, because god knows when the next time will be that I decide to celebrate by having a few. I don’t envision it will be any time soon. Anyway, I hope everyone out there is having a good one!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Stevo, my thoughts are with you too. What's news?

Lis, you know what the coolest thing about that whole experiment was (at least for me)? IT WASN'T A SECRET! YAY!

Congrats on the whole thing.

My pdoc recently identified that having control over the things in my life is a really big deal for me. We were specifically talking about medications, in this instance, and how I like to have input (and control) over what I take and when and how. But I think the reason is because for so many decades I had so little control over the one thing that mattered more to me than anything else. Ya' know?

[Lostinspace]

Thanks for the warning, Fred. I could see that happening, especially based on what happened to me when I decided to force it and reeeeally drink a couple months back, and ended up dealing with renewed cravings for a while. I don’t plan on ever drinking any more than I recently did, though. The really cool thing about my recent experiment is that I truly didn’t even want to drink as much as I did (or at all, really). I only did it because a) I wanted to test things out and see if it’s really possible to drink a small amount without undoing indifference and b) I wanted to feel like a NORMAL person - y’know, someone who celebrates a momentous occasion in their life by having a few beers. Now that my mission is accomplished, I feel no need to drink again. I’ll probably have a couple at some point in the future when the occasion calls for it, but again, it will only be to feel like a normal person. That push to get a good buzz going simply wasn’t there on Saturday.

Thanks, Ne. It was so incredibly great to not have to hide anything from my husband. And you’re so right that having control is HUGE - both the ability to control when and where, and on what terms, I would drink in my own house, as well as control over alcohol itself - something I’ve been told for years and years that I would never have.

[Molly78]

Well done, LIS! I think that's the ideal state most of us are chasing - the ability to "have a few" when the occasion calls for it.

[Stevo]

Just dropping in to say a quick g'day,

As you all can see I am still around,I am still in a really bad place and at this point not much is helping.I would like to thank everyone for their kind words.

The other day when I went to see my psychologist,he told me that the feelings of worthlessness are an emotional outcome and that I wasn't looking at myself logically.I am a very logical person and have pondered this statement ever since.He did his best to show me how I was a worthwhile person and a lot of the points that he made were accurate,yet I still can't seem to be sold on his idea's about why I should feel worthwhile.
I have been treated as if I was worthless consistently throughout my life by practically all the people I have ever been in contact with so my logical conclusion is that I must be worthless.I have no family or friends telling me otherwise and it is the psychologists job to counsel and somehow have me leave his office feeling better than I walked in so in my opinion what he says lacks substance.As I have written here before a lot of how I feel stems from my family and they are more than happy to perpetuate the place where I dwell mentally lately.
It leaves me thinking that the only logical answer is that I am of no worth.

It is a terrible place to be,knowing that I can't die but I don't want to live.

I have been lurking everyday when I wander past my computer and will continue to do so.I feel that at this point I have nothing to really contribute in here and I am writing this to let you all know that I am still around.Anyone who does the word association game would already be aware that I have not gone anywhere.

Hoping that everyone is well and I get to read more of your posts soon.
I also hope that I can post a more positive post for you guys to read soon too.

As always take care...

Cheers Stevo.

[lex]

Stevo- your posts have always been amongst the most helpful to me in my recovery. So, believe me, so far as I am concerned you have plenty of worth. Hang in there- this will pass! Lex

[Molly78]

Same applies to me, Stevo - I find your posts invaluable. Thoughtful, well written, full of useful information.......hey, it's not MY job to make you feel better, or Lex's, so just take praise on board when it's freely given. You are most definitely not worthless on this forum!

[dundrinkn]

Stevo,
I too find your posts helpful and well written. I think you're an insightful person both about human behavior and your own (rare). I understand what you mean -- about even after hearing someone "logically" go through all the reasons why you are not worthless, you still weren't feeling it. I struggle with this as well. I have places in my life where I feel competent, but still can't get past feelings of despair and hopelessness about other situations.

I hope you'll keep putting one foot in front of the other. The one thing that is certain is that all things change. The way you feel will change. It will shift and morph and when there is even the slightest opening, the slightest bit of room to take a deeper breath, to feel sun on your face, to notice something beautiful or hopeful, be present to that. Feel that. And then be open to it happening (showing up) again. Because it will. And notice it again. Be present and feel it. If you can string a few of those together in a day, tomorrow you'll be sure have a few more. Don't try and change your past. Don't try and change your present. Don't try and change who you are or even how you feel. Just try and find some moments that you can let in. Start small.

Love to you brother.

[Lostinspace]

Stevo - I, too, find your posts to be invaluable. You have a lot of insight and have a knack for knowing just the right words to help someone. You have a ton of worth to our community. It’s hard to see your worth even logically when you’ve had it systematically drilled into your head that you’re worthless from the time you’re a small boy. I’m so sorry you had to go through that and that you’re still feeling the repercussions. I hope you’ll keep reminding yourself of the points that your psychologist made, and think about them logically, until it starts to sink in and you feel it on a visceral level. It might be his job to make you feel better, but if what he’s saying is accurate, then it’s true. You deserve to feel good about yourself because you’re a good person with a lot to offer. Hang in there, my friend. Things really will get better. :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Yo, Stevo, and others!

Stevo, I also appreciate your posts and think you have much to offer. Plus, I like you.

Seems to me that you're suffering from some pretty classic symptoms of something called...depression! Let's think about that. You're hopeless. You feel worthless. You think life isn't worth living. You can only see bad things in the future. And the only reason you don't off yourself is because it would devastate the people around you...

Guess what, my dear friend? That equals suicidal depression and is VERY scary and needs to be treated by a professional doctor-type-person who will actually give you actual medicine to make you not be suicidally depressed.

I may be making light of this, but depression is as much a chemical malfunction in the brain as addiction is. And there are a slew of medications that will actually help you, Stevo. You are not, if you weren't aware of this, in a good place. It's a dangerous place to be in, and no amount of self-help, or exercise, or anything, is as good, or will work as well, as seeing a doctor and getting a prescription for an antidepressant.

I am actually begging you to do just that. Seriously. It can be very hard to take the first and second and third steps. (Find a doctor, call the doctor, see the doctor and tell him/her you're depressed.) Then there's the process of getting better. It takes a while.

I won't bring it up again. Or rather I'll try not to. But please, please, please, for the love of all good things and your kids and your spouse, and everything else, please call a doctor.

Thank you.
:hug:
Karen

[Stevo]

Thanks everyone and Ne I bit the bullet yesterday and got a prescription for an antidepressant from my doctor.

I had a previous bad experience with them before and was very apprehensive about going on them again.I spoke to my doctor about this and he has put me on cipramil,first dose taken this morning.I haven't looked into it much but I know that it is an SSRI,the doctor said that if it is suitable I should notice a change in about 3 days.
I have an appointment to see him again in about a week.

Taking the kids to Dream World today(Australia's largest theme park)so should be able to get some joy out of that.

See what happens and cheers Stevo.

[Mentium]

For some reason I thought this thread was about something else and only just dipped in this evening - and read back a few pages.

Glad you have sorted out the anti-depressants Stevo. I've been on them for a few years and find them really helpful.

And just to echo what others have said, your contributions here to discussions I have read always come over as knowledgeable, helpful and sound.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thanks everyone and Ne I bit the bullet yesterday and got a prescription for an antidepressant from my doctor.



I had a previous bad experience with them before and was very apprehensive about going on them again.

YAY! So, so, so glad, Stevo!



I think we've all had bad experiences with antidepressants. Okay, I won't speak for everyone, but I'll speak for myself. I have not had a good relationship with antidepressants, particularly when/because I was drinking.



When I was sober, I thought I would see depression coming, and be able to take action before I got really depressed. That's not the way it works, though. As I got more depressed, my brain chemistry just convinced me there was more to be depressed/angry/hopeless about. And then, guess what? There wasn't much to be sober for anymore.



Then came the antidepressants. It took about 6 months, and lots of trials of different things, and combination of things, but I finally feel like I'm ME again. Fully me.



I hope the same thing happens for you, Stevo. Proud of you, and happy for you and your family, that you sought help.

[MeJustMe]

I'm glad you've got onto the anti-depressants Stevo. I had to try a few different SSRIs before I found one that worked for me.

My mum died yesterday. I got the call from the nursing home and I thought they must've made a mistake. She was frail but it was a shock. I had to ring everyone and drive over to tell my dad. I had just titrated down to 100mg and was thinking a bit about booze, so was going to go back up a bit. My mum's death threw me, so I got drunk at dad's place last night. I had two months up. So I'm starting again today with titrating up.

I've got the guilts because while I saw mum most days the last time I saw her on Thursday evening I thought I might be getting the virus that my daughter has had all week. I didn't want to give it to mum so told her I'd better not kiss her good-bye. I also didn't have much to say because I felt ill. I feel guilty about that, even though I know it's not rational.

[Stevo]

Sorry to hear about your mum MJM,my condolences to you and your family.