Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Overcoming bad habit is definitely a hard battle to be won. But I'm not really sure at this point if I'm struggling more with bad habits or with ongoing cravings that won't fully leave me alone.

I didn't drink yesterday, and didn't miss it too much early on in the day, and didn't particularly miss it later on, either (although I did get stoned - I probably forgot all about drinking because I was in the midst of a munchie-induced feeding frenzy).

Anyway, my cravings came back pretty fierce this morning, for some reason, as they did the last time I had a day AF (roughly a week ago). Then, they died down while I was at work. I was still craving, but nothing too terrible when I got off work. Went to the liquor store I usually go to out of habit (no I didn't even try to surf the urge - I still suck), when I saw the lights off. They were closed!

I immediately ran - yes, ran, because I had little time to waste - to the next most convenient liquor store. I then bought some from Grumplestiltskin, the most horrible liquor store owner ever. Seriously, if he weren't selling an addictive product, he would have been out of business years ago! But that's a whole other story.

Anyway I'm not sure, at this point, if I just don't have the craving control ammunition I need, or if I'm just making excuses. It feels like a bit of both, although it's probably an excuse either way. I don't know.

But, at the same time, I felt like my cravings were enough under control that I should have acted differently this evening. When I found out the first liquor store was closed, instead of just accepting that as a sign that I wasn't meant to drink anyway, I acted as though someone had told me "you're not allowed to eat or drink water until tomorrow." What the hell?!

I guess I just don't know yet what I'm doing. I hope this is normal for bac. To be feeling so on top of things one day, yet badgered by cravings the next. It makes no sense.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Hey Stuck! I would say sorry for not responding sooner, but it's more like "sorry for deleting my last two messages." I've been too self-conscious to post for good recently (hopefully I won't delete this one, too).

Anyway, it sounds like you're doing pretty well. I'm glad you're already feeling better. And I know what you mean about that sweet spot. I thought I reached it the last time I was on (an insufficient dose of) bac. I hope you have a great night. :l :l

EDIT: Sorry to be so short. I'm just having a tough time posting right now. I still love you.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Hiya.

That's all I've got for the moment. Puppy kindergarten class tonight wore my ass out. Seriously. ha.

xxoo

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

StuckinLA;1684227 wrote: realizing it's time to... get back on the abstinence wagon for a while. Hopefully a good long while.

That sure was a fine idea, but wouldn't you know it a friend texted last night to meet up for happy hour? We had to exchange house keys since he had one of mine and I need one of his to watch his cat for a week, so he and his (new) wife met the girl and me at a place up the street. Excellent old school cocktails, and $5 during happy hour(s). So we took the bus over there and had several, then coming home I convinced the girl to swing through "my" bar for "just one."

Anyway, I did finally check my B/P yesterday morning and, while not actually as high as I kind of expected, it is definitely time to give this sh*t a rest - just not sure if I'm able, to be honest.

Hope everybody's having a good one out there today.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Hi Ne. Thanks for dropping by. I hope puppy kindergarten is going well

Don't feel too bad, Stuck. It takes a little while to click that you're ready. I'm in a similar boat myself. I've been trying fruitlessly to work on the habit aspect of drinking the last couple weeks, now that my cravings are down, given that I can't go up on bac any time soon (next doctor appointment is not until August 6). I've managed a couple odd days AF, here and there. But for the most part, I keep giving in. That's a large part of why I'm embarrassed to post here the last couple days. People gave me suggestions, and yet I still do the same thing.

Anyway back to you, I would encourage you to give yourself the same encouragement that you've given me - that things are so much better than they were! You haven't gone back to morning drinking or anything nasty like that.

That's not to say that I'm encouraging you with the whole "your drinking is fine. Keep going with it." That's not my intent. Nor is it my intent to make you feel bad about where you are - at all. Just realize that you're still doing OK, and that you'll soon find the requisite need to stop that will compel you to do so.

Be gentle with yourself in the meantime. Yes, make your goal of abstinence, but don't be too disappointed if it doesn't happen immediately. It doesn't happen immediately for anyone, and you're doing it without medication that can help. That's awesome! Hang in there my friend :l :l

EDIT: Holy crap this bus reeks of weed! Not like someone just smoked up, but like they have a HUGE bag of fresh stuff on them. I'm amazed how often this happens. I guess people here have little fear and don't bother trying to hide it better (like several layers of Saran Wrap, or something, to hide the smell). It's weird! Sorry, random thought. I've lived in this town for seven years and I'm still puzzled by how different it is.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Lostinspace;1685325 wrote: People gave me suggestions, and yet I still do the same thing.

Well, we are alcoholics, after all. No reason for you to be shy about posting or being hard on yourself, either, Lis.

Last night was fun - I can't complain. Great happy hour and then drinks at the bar and the girl was up for getting drunk herself and then sex. So aside from a hangover, for us both, things are all right on that front. I got some reading done today, and yes I added a splash of whiskey to my last morning cup of coffee. Probably going to take a nip off that bottle here soon, and play some Xbox while she works on the job hunt and her Sims game on her laptop in the living room. Habits die hard, and staying shoulder-to-grindstone working is difficult. What's the saying? Progress or process or something other than perfection?

So it goes for us both. Hang in there, love. And post whenever you get the urge to check in or share or whatever. Drunk, sober, trying to be sober, that's what the meds threads are all about and that's why I, for one, hang out here. :l:l

[davelet]

Here we go again

LostInSpace, my neighbours downstairs smoke weed and the smell comes into my flat (I live in a block of flats in central London). I don't know what to make of it. They have two kids already, and they have invited me to their wedding in September, amazingly, even though I barely know them.

Gosh, I have managed an alcohol free night tonight and I can hardly believe it. I will post about it on another thread.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

So we went to the grocery store this evening, and as soon as we got home I started working through a six pack and roasted a chicken for dinner. When it came time to move the chicken to a plate to carve it, I grabbed the pan that had been in the oven by the metal handle, obviously without thinking. So what I'm saying is I just burned the fuck out of my hand. Got some ice on it now; it is gonna blister like hell tomorrow and hurts like a sonofabitch. At least it's my left hand I guess. Just had to share that.

The chicken was good though.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

StuckinLA;1685402 wrote: So what I'm saying is I just burned the fuck out of my hand.

Man, I was really hoping I'd have the Stigmata after this, but no, no the burn really wasn't that bad after all. No blistering even. Hurt like hell all night, and slept holding a frozen bottle of water all night, getting up 3 or 4 times due to pain and put one bottle back in the freezer and grab another one.

Anyway, whatevs, it feels a lot better now. Checked my B/P again and it is much improved from the other day, though still high, even though I got drunk last night, and of course it's still not good to have it fluctuating like this. The worst part is that I look at that number and my first thought is 'wow, that's not too bad, I can totally keep drinking.' Stupid.

How ya' doing today, Lis? Ne? Everybody? :l:l

[dundrinkn]

Here we go again

I am not sure who this thread belongs to or what its initial purpose was, but it is the only one I read anymore so I am posting here. Hope that works. I went for 5 months or so AF. And it was all groovy and shit. But I have now been drinking once a week for the past 4 weeks. And I drank last night, and felt crappy all day, but now am thinking of doing it again. I was buying a six pack and drinking 4 -- throwing the other two out the next day. The last two weeks I have resorted to buying the 7oz bottles of corona and drinking all six. Doesn't even seem like that should count. But I still feel like shit. Think I'll work out first, and see how I feel after that. Anyway, I have enjoyed lurking on this thread and keeping up with all of you. That's it. Hope your hand is feeling better Stuck.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks Stuck. Yeah, it is very much progress and not perfection. I need to remember that more. And owww! Sorry to hear about your hand. At least the chicken was good, though. :H I hope you're feeling better today :l

And hey dundrinkn. Please feel free to post here, although, if you want, you'll probably get more responses by starting your own thread - that's up to you. I always welcome more people here

Are you taking any meds to help with drinking? Not that you have to or should, of course, just curious. I recognize your username, but can't remember in what context. Anyway, welcome to my thread. That's awesome that you went five months AF! And don't worry too much about your recent drinking.

The important point to keep in mind is: is your drinking starting to escalate? It sounds like it might be, albeit only by a small amount, over a long period of time. Only you can answer this. I know that there were times in the past when I would go through detox (with or without rehab) and would get a few weeks or, even a couple months, dry time before I started to drink again. I never went back to my previous levels of drinking overnight. It usually took a week or two (or even longer) to be fully back.

But I also know that some people ride that magical wave for a lot longer before going fully back to their previous habits. My point is, just keep an eye on yourself. If you find your consumption is slowly going up over time, then it's time to consider new options. In any case, don't stop posting, whether here or on your own thread, you're always welcome!

Anyway, I'm going to try to use my upcoming long weekend to reset my habits a little. I'm going to a family reunion Friday through Sunday. So long as I don't stock up on liquor to hide in my luggage before leaving, it'll pretty much be a given that I won't drink.

Who knows if it'll work or not. I used the same strategy over July the 4th weekend, when I went south for four days for my cousin's wedding. I had already managed a day AF before leaving (this was the day after finishing my taper), so I ended up going five whole days without drinking. It didn't last long, though. As soon as I went back to work, and life as usual, I started drinking in the evenings.

But then again, when I started back up with the drinking, I was only drinking about a quarter of what I was prior to tapering down, and have stayed at the same level ever since. Maybe with the additional time on bac, and being used to drinking so much less, I'll have a better outcome this time.

As a sidenote: I was just about to include a photo of one of my beautiful little squirrel friends at my feeder, but a bluejay came in to cause chaos. I love animals in general, and it pains me to say, but I HATE bluejays! They're so mean! They eat pretty much the same diet as my squirrels do, so they're in constant competition. And, they not only scare my squirrels away by flying down at them, they even know how to mimic hawk cries to scare squirrels away! In theory I love all animals, but bluejays? Booooooo!

[kronkcarr]

Here we go again

Hey everyone,

Stuck, I'm angry that you didn't get the stigmata. Think of the stories you can't tell now. I am glad your hand isn't bad.

Lis, I hope you can reset over your long weekend. This could be a nice turning point for you.

Dun, I hear you. For me the feeling crappy would be a motivator.

I'm anxious to hear how all of you do. Things are pretty good with me. I took a vacation, started running with a training program and am eating better--continuing to find my way.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks kronk. I will certainly try.

And dun, I apologize if I gave you terrible advice last night. You didn't explicitly state in your post whether you wanted to pursue abstinence once again, or were simply mentioning your recent drinking because you were wondering if it was a sign that things are getting bad again.

I don't like to push people towards abstinence. I'm a big proponent of harm reduction in general - whether that means complete abstinence, "low-risk" (moderate) drinking, or even just controlled drinking, where people are still drinking enough to cause some damage to their health, but are nonetheless drinking far less than they used to. I believe these are all valid goals, and the one people end up choosing for themselves is a very personal decision.

Having said that, though, if you do want to go back to an AF life, I would be more than happy to support you at every step along the way

[dundrinkn]

Here we go again

Hello all. Lis, my posting here was actually a way of not getting a lot of replies. The postings on this thread seem pretty chill -- good advice, funny, and not too stringent or strident. I have my own thread, but I'm bored with myself. Ha! Didn't drink last night, and now feel fine. Wanting to drink on a "hangover" day is old hat. I don't feel badly about drinking. Don't know if its a slippery slope or not. I am at 80 mg. of BAC after having gone up to 170mg last fall to climb back up the slippery slope I had slipped down after going down too low on the BAC. We'll see. It's all a big fat experiment at this point. Thanks for letting me butt in here.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Hiya.

I'm sick of myself, too, dundrinkin. Makes it hard to have anything fruitful to contribute...But I'm lurking. I think you guys are pretty groovy. That's another reason I'm mum. I feel like some of the stuff I posted recently on my own thread might have been insensitive. And if it was, then sorry. really.

Stuck, I am very glad we don't have another person with a jesus-complex running around here. You would be insufferable if you were brilliant and beautiful and a mystic. Plus that reminds me of this movie I watched when I was titrating up (I think it was called Stigmata?) that messed me up for weeks. Bac-dreams+scary movies=rough days.

I'm bac(k) up to 225 mg and feeling better, I think. I have NO idea if it's bac related, or simply a matter of time and being sick of myself. But whatever. I'll take it. (EDIT: Well put, dundrinkin. It's all a big fat experiment at this point. ha!)

Hope you guys are feeling pretty good, too.
:l