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[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

StuckinLA;1692671 wrote:

Again, then you delete whatever you don't want and leave the rest. It is a PAIN IN THE *SS on a phone, but really easy on the computer.

It is a pain in the *ss on my ipad. I will practice.

[StuckinLA]

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You ladies are going to drive me nuts you keep talking about teen virgins and black lingerie. :blush:

[bkyogagurl]

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I will keep my smart ass comments to myself on this one...
ointup:

[anne1232]

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Hello, may I be here too!?

Been lurking like crazy. Adore you all. Been gone...5 years? The last two for me have been so horrific I am at the point of just shaking a lot of the time. Been able to get 3 AF days here and there. Never 4. Last night was to have been day 4, and of course just the most awful things happened...I thought- Jesus Christ??!! What more can I take! Anyway, if you look at my backstory and want to ask about i.b.o.g.a.i.n.e. please disguise the word like that, or shorten it or something because otherwise it pops up in search engines and leads people here (that's what happened when I was last posting, and why I quit posting, mostly) that aren't -I don't know- members of this community. Anyway, hi. I too got my feelings hurt here then. But I feel safe here with you guys if that's OK.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cgF1fzCqu-k

RIP: cowgal, clearhead247, loOp, Robin W. *Fuck*

[anne1232]

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Oh, I see I was posting in 2012 a bit..about 'alternative' stuff. I was pretty confident then. HA

[Lostinspace]

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You're a naughty boy, Stuck And ugh! Sorry to hear you have to finish up your dissertation earlier than you thought. There's nothing like having extra pressure thrown on you when you already feel behind. I'm sure you'll get it done, though. Sometimes the adrenaline rush of an earlier than expected deadline can be just what we need to push ourselves into high gear.

bk - I've also been with my husband for a long time (13 years), but have spent VERY little of that time sober. Plus, I was already drinking like a pig by the time I became sexually active as a teen, so I guess I'm just not used to the whole sober sex thing :blush: Ok, I'll stop with the TMI now, as I've embarrassed myself enough already.

Hi anne. Of course you're welcome here. Sorry to hear things are so bad for you right now. All you can do is keep on trying. We've all had those "how much more can I take?" moments. Hell, I often have them within seconds of waking up! I wish I were exaggerating.

I haven't had a chance to check out your old posts yet, but I have heard of that particular treatment for alcoholism that you mentioned. I can definitely see how that would attract the wrong crowd from search engines. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. In any case, please don't be a stranger. Just hang in there. You'll be ok

Anyway, I decided to bump up my bac dose to 160 mg today instead of waiting until tomorrow. Not sure why. I just figured six days was plenty of time to get used to my last increase and, considering I've had no SEs, there's no reason not to try it.

I did stop by the liquor store even though I said I would force some AF time at this dose. But I wasn't going to go up in dose until tomorrow and just wasn't mentally prepared yet. At least I bought an even smaller amount today, both as a prelude to giving it up, and as a result of the fact that I didn't feel compelled to buy more. I felt unusually calm for the end of a work day.

Part of it was the fact that one of my coworkers helped me out this afternoon with some of the general lab work that we're really all supposed to pitch in with, but in reality, falls all on me (and I didn't even ask him to help - he just did - amazing!). But the calm kicked in well before then.

I'm not sure if it's possible to feel the effects of a dose increase this soon, but if this is what 160 mg feels like for me, then thank all that's good in the universe! I didn't leave work feeling like a frazzled, anxiety-ridden, crazy lady for once

So tomorrow begins my AF journey. I'd also really love to quit smoking in the near future. Not only have I developed a bit of a smoker's cough that often wakes me up in the middle of the night, it's SO damn expensive!

I kick myself all the time for forgetting to stock up when I went to my cousin's wedding in Virginia back in July. Holy sh*t cigarettes are cheap down south! In the northern state I live in, you pretty much have to be willing to donate a kidney to afford it. Anyway, I hope you're all having a great night :l

[StuckinLA]

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Well yeah, it really blows how much I have to do this fall. I mean, overwhelming. I for once actually have confidence that I will do it all, it will get done, and somehow someway everything will turn out all right. But it sure is going to be busy. Nothing to do but write, really. I wrote 3 paragraphs of my diss today - not much, but at least a little bit - and I wrote and submitted a proposal for a conference paper, and emailed my department admin assistant to send me the timeline for filing paperwork to defend my diss in the spring. She hasn't emailed back, but she's awful at her job so that's not all that surprising. Anyway, I'll be able to make a schedule when I get that timeline, and I'm sure that will make me feel better or at least put everything in perspective.

Today's been maintenance drinking. Woke up feeling terrible, and slowly went through the leftover bourbon from last night. Then this afternoon with the two 24 ounce cans of beer. I am going to the bar later, but think I won't buy more liquor after, just beer.

Anyway, that's that. All in all not too bad. Welcome Anne, nice to see a fresh face here. Hope everybody's having a good one. :l:l

[Lostinspace]

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Also, as an aside, how does one keep from gaining weight when not drinking? I know everyone always talks about how fattening alcohol is. Maybe beer and wine is - I wouldn't know. But straight up liquor most definitely does not add on the pounds.

Plus, alcohol kills my appetite. I'm finding that the less I drink, the more I eat. I used to barely eat at all (it's kind of embarrassing how my coworkers now comment on my lunches!). I haven't yet gained any weight - that I know of - I'm not exactly weighing myself. But I'm afraid what total sobriety will do to me. My weight is at the lower end of what would be considered healthy for a woman of my height. I don't mind gaining a little, but I'd like to mostly stay where I'm at (or at least not gain a trillion pounds). Please help!

[Lostinspace]

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Hey Stuck. We cross posted (and now we haven't - haha - I chickened out and deleted my post). I feel you. Hearing you brings me back to the days when I was a (failed, dropped out too soon) PhD student. It's enormously stressful. God! Hang in there, you're almost done

And good job on sticking to maintenance drinking. Really. I never could. That's why I'm an ex-grad student and not a successful one. You can do this :l :l

[StuckinLA]

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Lostinspace;1693022 wrote:
And good job on sticking to maintenance drinking. Really. I never could. That's why I'm an ex-grad student and not a successful one. You can do this :l :l

Thank you. I'm doing a pretty piss-poor job of it - I'm not the daytime maintenance drinker type. But it was either that or pop an Ativan this morning, and I'm just not quite ready to go for a few days AF right now, and I don't want to waste the pill or even a 1/2 pill. So... And I am basically waiting for the girl to hurry up and make dinner so I can eat a little and go to the bar. Like I said, I'm not trying to get wasted tonight, but a good good good buzz. 3 shots and 3 beers, then 2 24oz cans for home after. That's my plan, anyway.

This is as good a time as any to reiterate how much I admire your determination and control. You've successfully tapered off alcohol - and that is basically unimaginable, impossible for me. You also rock, very much. :l:l

[StuckinLA]

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Well, a little more than I'd intended. Wanted to have 3 at the bar but ended up having 5 shots and beers (I think - my tab was only for 4, but I'm pretty sure they forgot to charge for one of them). Said I wouldn't buy liquor at the store, but I'm drinking from a 200ml bottle right now while the 2 beers are in the fridge.

Walking out of the liquor store I ran into the girl - she was in her workout clothes and out for a walk and heading for the park to do a lap to cool down. I joined her, and we walked around the lake in the park and it was pretty lovely. Took a few sips from the bottle along the way. Then she asked if I'd buy her a taco from the street vendor before heading home and I did, took a couple more sips from the bottle while she ate. Guess that's all to say that I'm drinking more than I'd wanted and she knows I'm drinking. She's just now getting out of the shower, so I'll be going now.

Hope everybody's having a good night. Keep hanging in there, OK? Love you all. :heart:

[Lostinspace]

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StuckinLA;1693030 wrote: This is as good a time as any to reiterate how much I admire your determination and control. You've successfully tapered off alcohol - and that is basically unimaginable, impossible for me. You also rock, very much. :l:l

Aww. Thanks, Stuck. That's a sweet thing to say. Although my determination and control is a very recent phenomenon, and you've been there yourself at times, so don't sell yourself short. Just keep on keeping on. :l

So today was my first day of forced abstinence. This was quite a feat, considering what a crappy day I had at work. I had my first ever major chemical spill today. My lab coat protected me from what spilled down the front of me long enough to take it off. But it also spilled all over my sneakers, saturated my socks, and started to soak my feet.

I had to take off my shoes and socks, rinse my feet thoroughly, then stand there, barefoot, on the disgusting lab floor on top of wadded up paper towels until my husband was able to take time off work to go get me more shoes and socks to drop off for me.

I didn't get any chemical burns, thankfully, but god did that suck tremendously! It figures - nothing like this ever happened when I was drinking on the job. But now that I'm sober, I make an ultra klutzy move.

Then this afternoon, I got no help from my co-workers like I did yesterday. I knew that would be a fluke. They had a lighter workload than they normally do, too. So while I was rushing to do my job, my boss's job, and the general lab duties that we're all supposed to help out with, they spent a good part of the afternoon watching videos on YouTube. RAGE!!

Anyway, I was really tempted to use all this as a reason to postpone my AF plans, but I knew deep down that with each new day, there would be a brand new excuse. Overall, my cravings have been way down compared to two months ago. It's likely that I'm already at my switch dose but just haven't given myself the chance to realize it.

I'll be honest, I did stop by the liquor store tonight anyway and bought a small amount of vodka as a security blanket. The thought of getting on my second bus and heading home for the night with no possible chance of drinking was too overwhelming for right now.

But I promised myself that, rather than duck into the nearest bathroom to start drinking, I would go for a walk instead. I've now been home for well over an hour and the bottle remains unopened in my usual hiding spot. I'm not really craving at all anymore. Plus I'm going to be eating dinner in about five minutes, which makes drinking such a small amount pretty much pointless.

Anyway, I hope you're all having a great night out there! :l

[skullbabyland]

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Lostinspace;1692994 wrote:

bk - I've also been with my husband for a long time (13 years), but have spent VERY little of that time sober. Plus, I was already drinking like a pig by the time I became sexually active as a teen, so I guess I'm just not used to the whole sober sex thing :blush: Ok, I'll stop with the TMI now, as I've embarrassed myself enough already.

Hey Lis, don't worry about the TMI, you'd have to do a LOT worse than this to embarrass yourself here with all of us drunks, haha.

I thought I'd pop in to say that I relate to this. Pretty much all my 'game' (any charm, flirtiness, all the way up to sex) usually came through liquid courage... when I got sober, my GF and I really had to relearn how to get overtly sexual without booze. It takes some getting used to. We used to fantasize, text, drive each other crazy and all turned on, and mostly I was buzzed/loaded through all that.

Now that I'm sober, it's much harder to access that uninhibited side of myself, throwing caution to the wind and saying all sorts of hot stuff. It just seems awkward. But, the brain being the most important sexual organ... it's worth figuring out. Which we are doing, slowly but surely...

Just like so many things in life, we are learning to do this as sober adults, which most of us probably never learned to do. At least, not well. Ha...

Anyway, sexual health shouldn't be a taboo subject and it is important. Not only physically and mentally but also for bonding to and connecting with our partner. Important stuff and worth working on, just like so many things in sobriety...

[skullbabyland]

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Lostinspace;1693349 wrote: Aww. Thanks, Stuck. That's a sweet thing to say. Although my determination and control is a very recent phenomenon, and you've been there yourself at times, so don't sell yourself short. Just keep on keeping on. :l

So today was my first day of forced abstinence. This was quite a feat, considering what a crappy day I had at work. I had my first ever major chemical spill today. My lab coat protected me from what spilled down the front of me long enough to take it off. But it also spilled all over my sneakers, saturated my socks, and started to soak my feet.

I had to take off my shoes and socks, rinse my feet thoroughly, then stand there, barefoot, on the disgusting lab floor on top of wadded up paper towels until my husband was able to take time off work to go get me more shoes and socks to drop off for me.

I didn't get any chemical burns, thankfully, but god did that suck tremendously! It figures - nothing like this ever happened when I was drinking on the job. But now that I'm sober, I make an ultra klutzy move.

Then this afternoon, I got no help from my co-workers like I did yesterday. I knew that would be a fluke. They had a lighter workload than they normally do, too. So while I was rushing to do my job, my boss's job, and the general lab duties that we're all supposed to help out with, they spent a good part of the afternoon watching videos on YouTube. RAGE!!

Anyway, I was really tempted to use all this as a reason to postpone my AF plans, but I knew deep down that with each new day, there would be a brand new excuse. Overall, my cravings have been way down compared to two months ago. It's likely that I'm already at my switch dose but just haven't given myself the chance to realize it.

I'll be honest, I did stop by the liquor store tonight anyway and bought a small amount of vodka as a security blanket. The thought of getting on my second bus and heading home for the night with no possible chance of drinking was too overwhelming for right now.

But I promised myself that, rather than duck into the nearest bathroom to start drinking, I would go for a walk instead. I've now been home for well over an hour and the bottle remains unopened in my usual hiding spot. I'm not really craving at all anymore. Plus I'm going to be eating dinner in about five minutes, which makes drinking such a small amount pretty much pointless.

Anyway, I hope you're all having a great night out there! :l

Also, just read all this... glad to hear you didn't get any chemical burns!!!! Yep, in many ways life without alcohol, we can expect it to be awkward and fumbly. I feel so klutzy soooo often. I trip, I fall, I fumble, it seems, much more often. More likely, it's just that I don't self-soothe by drinking, so it just seems more noticeable. Or, I just feel internally more awkward in general. I try to remind myself to say "OK, that fuckin' sucks, it is what it is, and doesn't need to be anything else, such as a faded memory drowned with booze. I can just let it slowly pass away in time and that's enough". I try to say this whether its a spill, a fall, a verbal fumble, a careless comment, a craving, a fight, whatever. Anything uncomfortable that I used to deal with by drinking. So, needless to say, pretty damn often. Ha.

So cool to hear your cravings have decreased!!!! That makes a huge difference as I'm sure you've noticed, and will continue to.

Just a heads-up- in my experience, the physical cravings are only one major part of it. The other, as I'm sure you know, is mental/habitual. Often, even when bac gives us some distance from the all-powerful cravings, we still find ourselves drinking, due to habit, or mental excuses. Things like "I don't even really need it... but, well, I had a stressful day" or "well, my favorite show/movie/game is on" or "well, this party won't be fun otherwise" or "well, it's a beautiful sunset on my porch" or "well, blah blah"... You'll likely bump into these many times, so good to expect them and begin to wrap your head around how to deal with them.

I liken physical cravings as Phase One, and mental/habitual as Phase Two. Thank God baclofen helps us with Phase One, but we still have to deal with Phase Two and it's definitely work.

Best of luck with your forced AF time! How long are you shooting for?

[bkyogagurl]

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Hey... Just wanted to check in. I came down with a nasty and I mean nasty bug...
So weird being that sick with NO alcohol involved.
I am still AF for now and will answer properly when I feel better...

Skull I am so glad you stopped by as I was just gonna ask you where a good place to follow you was. I noticed you are updating your thread as often. I miss you.

Be back soon...


We love you back Stuck-