Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Bummer about the booze, Lis. But I have to say, the situation sounds pretty uncool. It's hard for me to be around people who are...altered. It's annoying, or tiring, or I feel left out or any of a number of other emotions. Back in the day, my husband wasn't on board with the whole sobriety thing, much less the baclofen thing, but he still made a lot of concessions because he knew that those two things mattered more to me than anything else. It did take a while, though, just to figure out what needed to happen in order for us to feel comfortable. (For a little while, he took all of his booze out of the house with him when he left in the morning. I wanted to come home to an AF house so that it wasn't an automatic response to have a drink. More often than not, I picked some up on the way home and was drunk by the time he got home, but I kept trying and he kept taking his booze with him. Good times.)

I have a really good friend who had a birthday party last weekend. He's a decade younger than I am, and his boyfriend is a bit younger than he is...The last time I tried to hang out during one of the celebrations, I left seething. It was incredibly annoying to witness the drunkenness without the inclination to join in. Even though I really miss the days when we used to celebrate milestones together, I know if we're going to stay friends, I shouldn't go to their parties. Ya' know? (It's a little off the subject at hand, but perhaps relevant to what Stuck is going through, too.) And honestly, no judgment from me. They aren't alcoholic, they like to drink when they celebrate, and they're young. Whatever. But if I never have to have another jello shot in my life, I'll be fine with that. Or any shot. Or shooter. Or mixed drink full of frou-frou, for that matter. Anyway. What were we talking about?

I didn't start the book today or accomplish anything even remotely close to what I wanted to do. I opened the computer to check on all of the stuff I have to do by tomorrow night and instead checked in here. The whole day has been like that. The good news is that there won't be any procrastinating tomorrow, because it's all due. Is that good news? pfffft. :-/

Whatever. I'm going to bed.

Good luck, Stuck! Don't let the demons win.

xo

[Rand all]

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I'm heading to a good friends wedding in December and by with any luck I'll be AF by then. Gonna be TOUGH as its everyone I literally know and I grew up with them all. Its gonna be a drunkin coke fueled night of madness. Gotta go though my sister lives in the house I grew up in in our old neighbourhood and I wouldn't beable to ever show my face again down there again. Maybe its about time I got back out into the world anyway. Women at wedding is always a bonus never been to one sober. Surely it could be an experience?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

I think it's a pretty good bet that you'll be sober by then, Randall. I also think that as the time gets closer you can set up a plan to go and be comfortable and flirt without partaking in the extracurricular activities. (Well, maybe an extracurricular activity that includes a woman, if that works out for you. )

I woke up freaking out because I realized I had been flirting with a kid in my class. He's probably in his early 20s. I'm old enough to be his mother. Literally, his mother is probably my age. With a little time and a cup of coffee I can laugh about it, but I still feel sorry for the guy. Hopefully he didn't know that my playfulness was flirting. Which makes it even funnier, doesn't it?

It's time for some homework. How's your weekend, Lis?

[Rand all]

Here we go again

Ne/Neva Eva;n2513119 wrote:

I woke up freaking out because I realized I had been flirting with a kid in my class. He's probably in his early 20s. I'm old enough to be his mother. Literally, his mother is probably my age. With a little time and a cup of coffee I can laugh about it, but I still feel sorry for the guy. Hopefully he didn't know that my playfulness was flirting. Which makes it even funnier, doesn't it?

You probably made his day Ne. I'd be buzzing if an older lady flirting with me More so even if it was someone my own age. Its totally different for guys. Might be a bit creepy if it was a guy flirting with a younger girl.

Always fantasized about going to a wedding sober. Last time I was at one a friend of a friend had been off the booze for a a few years at that point and I remember talking to him and he was having a cracking time bouncing off the walls on Redbull! By the end of the night I'm sure there's some folk who just want a civil conversation without some drunk idiot talking s**t to them.... Women hopefully

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Wow, thanks for the tip, Stuck. I can't believe I was reading that as a vertical slash instead of a lower case L this whole time. I'm feeling quite stupid :blush: I'm sorry to hear you've been going through all that panic again, but it's awesome that you were able to ride it out without resorting to drinking. You've got a lot on your plate right now. Having done a bit of grad school myself, I think you're a pretty amazing person for sticking it out and getting through it as well as you have been. I hope last night was more relaxed and that you're feeling better today :l The oxytocin thing sounds really interesting. I remember reading a post about it here a while back, but no one here has actually tried it yet, at least not to my knowledge. I hope the doctor hears you out and gives you the green light to try it.

Thanks for saying that, Ne. It is rough being around people who are altered. I didn't even feel left out (well, maybe a little bit) so much as I just couldn't relate to them on their level. I felt the need to dumb myself down a bit to make the evening tolerable - very annoying. Thankfully this is not something that happens often. My husband does sometimes smoke without me, but he'll generally do it in his man cave while watching football or something, so that I don't really have to be bothered by it. I think he felt he had to smoke on Friday because his friend is a stoner and he felt that it was the right thing to do to be a proper host. Hopefully I won't have to face that scenario again for a while. And I agree with Randall. You probably did make that 20-something guy's day by flirting

Randall - based on how things are going for you now, I would almost certainly think you'll be sober by December. Being around intoxicated people when you're completely sober can be really irritating, but if you can, prep yourself to try to have fun with it. Look at what an ass everyone is making of themselves and how ridiculous it is that those people think they're being smooth and witty. And yes, as someone who is now seeing drunkenness through fresh eyes since quitting drinking myself, I'm sure there will be at least some ladies there who will only be eyeing you

I had a pretty nice day yesterday. My husband didn't have to work, so we got to spend the day together for the first time in a few weeks We went out to the movies in the afternoon, then tried out a new hibachi and sushi restaurant for dinner. Not sure what today holds yet, but I'll figure that out. Anyway, I hope you all have a good one :l

[dundrinkn]

Here we go again

Stuck, I didn't track down your other mentions of oxytocin, but you can buy it here http://www.antiaging-systems.com/145-oxytocin-love-drug. It's 59$. I bought the sublingual oxytocin troches and didn't notice much. However, this site is a good one for certain meds in terms of quality. Not the cheapest in price, but I never worry about what I buy from them. And btw... that drinking thing every week was, in fact, a slippery slope. Back to pretty much every day. 3 to 6 beers, so not much. But going to up the bac and dig back out of the hole.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Oh, that sounds like a really nice day/date, Lis!

My husband definitely takes advantage of an opportunity to smoke a little bit. The last time I was out of town. And the time before that was when we were in Napa. We'd had quite a bit of wine already, the party was just getting started for the chick-adees that my friend invited over and my friend pulled out a special stash of something. I went to bed. It was perfect, actually. Ed wasn't incredibly hung over the next day, which he would have been if they'd just stayed up drinking wine. And I'm sure he was able to get his flirt on. Always a perk. (EDIT to add: That also meant that everyone else slept in. I got to spend the entire early morning at an incredible little coffee shop eating mouthwatering pastries, reading a couple of newspapers on a patio surrounded by by beautiful plants and interesting people. Perfect. I heart that vacation.)

It is so funny that there is that double standard. If a guy my age flirts with girls Randall's age, I see it as kind of pathetic. (Though honestly, if I knew then what I know now...Men over the age of 35 are so much more reasonable than they are when they're younger. meh. Maybe I'm just getting old. And the financial stability is a big plus. :H) The friend we stayed with for a little while in Napa is a prime example. He can't settle down. Because he likes new, and young, playthings. But...other than the financial stability aspect, and the fact that he is brilliant and widely travelled and all that scrumptious stuff, he's definitely kinda pathetic when it comes to women. That didn't really stop a couple of the women, though, from fawning all over him. It did make me happy for him, if I'm honest. And wonder what the older women in my (our) old crowd thought about me and the guys I fawned over. We had a good laugh about that the next day. (I've known this guy since we were ~20. He is most definitely one of us. In the wine industry now. Let me tell you, that is a life! wow.) Anyway, now it makes me hope that the guy thought I was flirting if it would make him feel good. He's a good kid. ha.

I am not one of the people who can have fun with drunk people. That shouldn't surprise anyone here, though. Ya'll know it's sometimes hard for me to find a sense of humor.

Nap time and then more homework. Ciao.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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It was another day of not getting enough done. I did take a 3 hour nap, though, and it was awesome if ill-advised. The next 4 days are going to be overwhelming, and if I have any discipline at all I won't be posting regularly. But PLEASE give me something to read. It's so damn quiet in here I feel like filling up all the space so people will come back. Plus, as you know, I live vicariously through you peeps going through the experience. Not that it's something to be missed, exactly. ha!

I meant to tell you that I thought your take on the work thing was a really positive, productive reaction. It is impossible for you to know whether what you're feeling is a function of baclofen/new sobriety or not. And I certainly don't know. But it doesn't matter either way if you identify something you want to work on and move toward that goal. It's a life lesson, and one I hope I remember the next time I'm in a similar position.

Another life lesson I'm taking to heart at the moment is from one of my favorite people in class. EMTs are really unable to do anything...Our sole purpose is just to get people to the hospital alive enough so that they can get fixed. And we have to do these simulations where the proctor throws random situations at you and you have to respond accordingly. It's actually pretty interesting how many of us initially respond with an expletive. Seriously. But my partner just says, "Noted. I can't do anything about that, so I'll just keep going." And then he does. (Unless, of course, he's supposed to do something about it.) What a great response to all of the crap that life throws in the way, right?

I'm going to bed so I can get a fresh start at 4am and get some little bit of my stuff done before class. Hope it's a good couple of days!

[StuckinLA]

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Whenever anything happened in the ambulance my first reaction was something along the lines of "oh what the shit is this now?"

Sorry to leave you bored, Ne. I have written like 3 major things over the weekend, and still feeling lost and behind. About to call it a night myself, actually, as I've got a long day of student conferences tomorrow. Busy week coming up - but the girl gets back on Friday. Went for a walk this evening, around the park, and started really wanting to stop at the bar for a drink. Not craving exactly, but I got a lot done this weekend and boy it sure would be nice to sit and relax and have a drink, ya know? Then thought, the bartender doesn't work on Sundays usually so it wouldn't be worth it. Then thought, well if she is working, I could stop in. Then planned it all out - I'd noticed a beer in the fridge that I'd forgotten about from the other night, and there's still that 1/4 bottle of wine or so on the shelf, so if I got home craving more to drink I could have another or two without going straight into that bourbon I bought on Friday. Then thought, what is it now, 4 or 5 days AF? Oh well, if I *do* see the bartender's car I'll stop on my way home and get a drink or two.

Didn't see her car, so crossed the street and headed for home. Then noticed that I just hadn't looked far enough up the street, and there her car was parked a little ways up. Fuck it, I thought, I'm already on my way home now. So here I am, about to roll over and turn out the light. Still AF and not looking forward to the long day tomorrow. Not looking forward to any of this week, actually. Class and conferences all day tomorrow, grading to do all day Tuesday, class and conferences all day Wednesday, teaching on Thursday and then have to head down near San Diego for a conference, where I'm presenting a paper and in the conference all day on Friday. And that's not even counting any of the job market stuff I need to write or my dissertation. Screw academia.

Hope it's a good one out there.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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I feel ya', Stuck. I have way too much to do in the hours available. I woke up at 2:45 am and knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, and have been productive for the last hour and a half. At least there's that. I do love the middle of the night, but I think I'll try to get another hour of sleep before my feckin' EIGHT HOUR lecture today. Exam tomorrow, final on Thursday, state exam a week from today. And way more work, just for this one class, between now and then. I have given up on attending pilates and am hoping to pull off statistics but very worried about the GPA as I missed some deadlines yesterday. And then there's the other stuff. But whatever. It's all been noted. I'll do what I can and move on toward the goal.

One of the things located in "the other stuff" category is getting a job. I was supposed to be applying for jobs in the ER by now. And employed by mid-October. That ain't going to happen. I am freaking out about writing my resume for a number of reasons, most of which are related to the fact that I used to be consumed by alcohol and have burned every bridge I walked across. Or at least it feels that way. ugh. Bad thoughts for 4 am.

Really glad you got some stuff done this weekend, and really great to hear that your girlfriend's father is going to get out of the ICU. And that she'll come home this week! yay! Also gratified that you didn't see the bartender's car until too late. Small mercies, Stuck. I'm going to count that as one of them, even if you don't necessarily see it that way.

Lis, that thing you put on the other thread about eating disorders. It is so, so, so prevalent here. You'd be amazed. I don't want to delve into it all when I don't have the time to follow up, and I don't want to call you out if you ended up deleting the post. But I also don't want to ignore it, either. You know there's a link, right? And that shame thing...Freedom from Shame. (That should be the name of the book I'll likely never write. Don't anybody use it, because right now it seems brilliant and I am overly attached to the idea. Ah, the pipe dreams in the middle of the very early morning never fail to amaze me. Much like the ridiculous anxiety that initially consumes me when I wake. Both are made up in this amazing brain-thing.)

On that rather weird note, I'm outta here! Bacinawhile.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Sorry to hear about that slippery slope, dundrinkn, but glad you know what to do to get back on track. It's just a bump in the road. It's good to see that you're not beating yourself up and are just moving forward

And I'm sorry I've been so quiet recently, Ne. I've been feeling so boring as of late, since I don't have much going on in my life right now, but I'll try my best to keep you entertained. Also, I didn't stop back last night in particular because I had a pounding headache and wanted to sleep it off. I'm pretty sure it was my first experience with bac side effects. I missed my late morning dose and decided to take it along with my afternoon dose. I take my doses unevenly - 20/60/60/20 at 6am/10am/3pm/9pm. So basically I took 120 mg all at once. Holy headache!

And thanks for the encouragement. I'm really trying to develop a more levelheaded approach to life in general. That's a great approach to problems that your EMT partner has. It's kind of what I'm working towards myself - to worry about things only to the extent that I need to in order to address the problem, then move on. I'm not so good at it yet, but I am getting better.

And I did end up deleting that post on my eating disorder. I was hoping to god that no one actually saw it before I got rid of it :blush: In many ways, I'm far more ashamed of that than I am of alcoholism. What do you mean there's a link to it? It's still there even though I deleted it??!! I know you won't be around for a few days, so I'll try not to freak out too bad until I hear from you. I went back to the thread I posted on and didn't see it.

Sorry to hear things are so overwhelming this upcoming week, Stuck. But that's really great that you're getting through it without drinking, even if it doesn't always feel that way. Hopefully having your girlfriend come back on Friday will at least give you something to look forward to to propel you through the week. Try to keep in mind that this will all be over (the semester, that is) not too long from now, even though it probably feels like a f**king eternity right now. Hang in there :l You too, Ne :l

Well, I gotta run. I'm already at work, so I really shouldn't be here in the first place (shame on me :H) I hope you all have a great day!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Nah, it's gone. I meant there is a link between addiction and eating disorders. The link isn't overwhelming (scientifically speaking) yet, but it is overwhelming in terms of everything else. I'm sorry you deleted it. It was a very good, honest and true post. But I understand. The reason I brought it up is because it was so clear how much shame and fear you had about it. I wasn't trying to torment you about it, and purposely didn't mention you in the post. I'm going to delete this post in a couple of hours. And we can continue the conversation via private message if you are open to it.

I'm in class. Definitely should be paying attention for exam on this tomorrow. But blah.
Still, gotta go.

[Lostinspace]

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It's ok, Ne. After reading your post, I'm actually toying with the idea of reposting about it since that's another thing that bac has helped me with tremendously. It might be helpful for other people to know about if they have similar struggles. I'll think about it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Yep. Let me know. and huge :l

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Are subscriptions working with the new site, Ne?

If someone subscribes to the thread they get an email with new posts - so even if it's deleted later they see it first. Ne caught me with that trick on my thread many, many, many times. Have a good one everybody!