Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

I think it's a really good idea to download your thread, Lis. I've done it, and will continue to do it, for the exact reason you stated. While it's hard to reread, it's also wonderful to see who I've met and the feedback I have received over the year is nothing short of awe-inspiring. This anonymous internet forum full of drunks is an amazing resource. It's actually a testament to how people are...good. And kind. (Not to suggest we haven't had our share of people who are not good nor kind. A reminder not to be too pollyanna about the general public. There are truly wackadoos, and I've met some here.)

On that light note, I'm outta here. Going to take the day to just chill out.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

omg. So many grammatical errors in that post. And I missed the point I was going to make.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Edited...

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

I got it, Ne. Thanks! That?s a good idea to keep in touch by e-mail. I'll try sending you an e-mail with MWO in the subject line as a test. Let me know here if you don?t get it.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Ok. More from me after my folks leave tomorrow. xxoo

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Check your PMs, Lis. Very top upper-right. I've sent you some contact info - and you can always get a hold of me through Ne if the need ever arises.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks, Stuck. I responded to your PM earlier this morning. Did you get that?

[StuckinLA]

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Nope. As long as you got mine though we're good.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

See you guys on the flip side. :l

[skullbabyland]

Hey guys, looks like you took the group offline while MWO was on break. Are you guys still going to post on this thread, or?

[Lostinspace]

Thanks for checking in, Skull. The conversation's not going on elsewhere, I've just been having a really hard time posting since coming back from the week-long break due to a renewed cycle of self-consciousness and insecurity. I appreciate you getting the ball rolling again over on your thread. It brought me, and probably others, out of hiding.

I guess it is time for an update. Thankfully, drinking is a nonissue at the moment. Quitting smoking is where my focus is. Today is my third day as a nonsmoker. I'm using nicotine lozenges, so my cravings are under control, but I'm still feeling pretty listless and kinda lost whenever those times of day that I would normally smoke roll around. I've found that smoking is about so much more than just feeding my body the drug it's addicted to.

To name just a few things, it's also about taking a break to go outside and relax for a few minutes. Whether at work or at home, I always smoked outside. Of course, there's the oral fixation, too. Plus, there's also the deep breathing aspect. Sure, I was breathing dozens of toxic chemicals with each puff, but it was a form of deep breathing nonetheless, and this adds to it being relaxing.

So I'm trying to find ways to replace some of these other things that smoking does for me the best I can. I'm still taking breaks throughout the day to go outside, only now I take a cup of herbal tea or a soda with me, instead of a cigarette. I'm eating lollipops to give myself a similar kind of that hand to mouth action that I'm used to, and soothed by. I'm also trying to be mindful of my breathing, and to stop what I'm doing every so often to take a few deep breaths.

It's been challenging. I'm trying to monitor the way I talk to myself and to make sure that I'm not making a bigger deal of things than I should. Like when I start to think "oh my god I need a cigarette. This sucks!!" I stop myself and just think "oh, that habit of reaching for my cigarette pack and lighter is cropping up again. I guess I need to do something else." Hopefully it'll get easier soon. I hope you all have a good one out there!

[skullbabyland]

Hi Lis- I'm glad to see discussion starting up again Glad you're doing well with drinking being a non issue, and BIG CONGRATS on quitting smoking! You're not alone, and you can do it! It sucks for a little while but you'll be so glad you did. FOR REALZ.

It's really true how smoking is just as much about the habits we find relaxing as much as the chemicals themselves. Just like drinking. The irony of course is that many studies have been found that show that nicotine, a stimulant, only relieves anxiety for a short time then it comes back worse than before, and we 'need' another cigarette. Smoking actually increasing anxiety is a big reason (maybe the biggest reason) that I decided to get rid of it once and for all.

That's all for me- I posted some other thoughts on the smoking thing over in my thread.

Glad you're back. As BK would say, tell that insecure inner critic of yours, when it's constantly beating up on you, "FUCK OFF, I'M AWESOME". Cuz you are!

[Lostinspace]

Thanks so much for the encouragement, Skull I can see how smoking, in the long run, could increase anxiety. I actually just recently read something that said nicotine leads to a release of GABA, which is part of what makes it relaxing even though it's a stimulant. But it's true that the relaxation effect is very short lived. It makes sense that the involvement of GABA, then the subsequent absence of it the longer you go from the last cigarette, could create a cycle of relieving anxiety, only to have it rebound, just like with alcohol. Of course, right now I'm feeling quite on edge a lot of the time, thanks to the change in routine, but in the long run, I'll be a lot better off. And yes, I will tell my inner critic to "f*ck off!"

On another note, I'm a little concerned about drinking the last 18 hours or so. That probably sounds silly, so let me elaborate. Yesterday afternoon, I started craving vodka and was still craving it when I left work at the end of the day. I thought it was no big deal because I've had cravings a tiny handful of times, and drank a few times, at this dose before. So I decided to buy a small bottle of vodka on my way home, figuring that it would silence the craving and that today I would go back to my new norm of being indifferent to alcohol 95% of the time.

Well, this morning I woke up craving. I have never once woken up craving at this dose before. In fact, I've never once woken up craving since getting up to 120 mg. I thought I had moved past that for good. I'm sure it has something (or even everything) to do with my quitting smoking and my mind subconsciously looking for alternative feel-good things. But it has me pretty disturbed regardless. Today I will likely be taking an extra 20 mg (or even 40 mg) of bac to counter the renewed cravings and get back on track.

There's no way in hell I'm going back to smoking after prepping myself to quit for so long, and having successfully moved through my first three days without giving in. But I certainly can't let this derail me with alcohol, either. Both habits will kill me early if I allow myself to indulge in them the way I used to, but alcohol will ruin every other aspect of my life in addition to my health. It's gonna be a tough several days, or even weeks, before I start to get used to not smoking, and my mind stops desperately searching for other things to replace it with. I'll manage somehow, though.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that out. I hope you all have a good one out there!

[Lostinspace]

I'm getting a little concerned. My alcohol cravings never went away, and still remain this morning, even though I took extra bac this weekend. I ended up drinking Saturday afternoon and evening, as well. I've also been getting HUGE chocolate cravings. So while I didn't drink again yesterday, I did binge on chocolate, and sugar in general.

I know (or at least I'm pretty sure) that all these cravings are popping up because I just quit smoking and my mind is looking for other feel-good things, but it's a little much. These past few days I feel like I might as well not even be taking bac; it's no longer doing anything for me anyway. The return of my cravings was really sudden and fierce. Has anyone else experienced something like this? Does the indifference come back or have I lost it for good? I'm more than a little bummed out by all this.

[Ne1]

Hiya, Lost. I don't know why they changed my name, and I haven't had time to follow up on it, but it's me.

Soooo...One of the things I've been meaning to ask you is what indifference means to you. To me, it means an absence of cravings. Period. Like they're gone and booze holds no appeal. I know you've experienced a bit of this, but I have wondered if you felt you were indifferent?
That's all really pretty moot, anyway. What it comes down to is that you're having cravings and you don't know why and you don't want to drink. There are solutions, though they're not particularly easy. (What is? <sigh>) Take more bac. Which you'll have to order, right? (I don't know if I'd jeopardize the relationship you have with your doc by being honest, but that's just me and I'm a bit cranky about that stuff.) Which brings me to the second possible solution: Talk to your doc and see what he has to suggest. There are a couple of people around here who are on cocktails (pun intended) that may be helpful so that you don't have to go up. (Caveat: The bac is non-negotiable. I know there are plenty of people around here who would argue with me. Whatever. I'm not talking to them. I'm talking to you. Baclofen is the one and only. Don't forget that. There are other ways to sobriety and yadda yadda for all of you who are reading this. But I repeat, LIS, bac is the only thing that does what it does and what it does is create remission/cure/ability to comfortably abstain.)

Sheesh. This is a little hot and heavy for my first post on the new-new site. So let me start over-ish. Don't despair! Ebbs and flows are the name of this game. Every single bit of it from this point forward is a mind-game and you get to decide how to deal with it.

Did you read the terryk's recent post? about deBeurepaire's research? Very, very interesting. (Mostly in that so much of what he's written is reflected here. Made me a bit proud of us, honestly. [If one ignores all the drama and bull shit associated with an anonymous social support network.]) But the point is that I think it's relevant. It takes what it takes, and what success looks like isn't the same for all of us.

Hang in there, sister. I'm sorry you're going through it but it's just part of the journey. I swar. :l

Gotta run. All well here. Bacinawhile.