Here we go again

[mrmcclintock]

Oh sweet holy christ on the cross this forum password reset bs is pissing me off. Hey everybody, it's Stuck. I forgot that I used all of my email addresses to create sock puppet accounts like 2 years ago when I was trolling one of the trolls. I may or may not bother to get everything sorted out and get my Stuck account going again, or set up a new one...

Anyway whatevs. So awesome that you've quit smoking, Lis. And try not to worry too much about the drinking, ya' know? It sounds like you're holding it under control pretty well, and the goal for some AF time is a good one, particularly when the hubs is around more soon.

I've been drinking maybe 1 or 2 nights a week lately. Partly not wanting to deal with the days-after anxiety and not wanting to deal with how quickly booze seems to hit me these days. Granted, I drink like I'm making up for lost time, and 8 drinks or so in a couple hours isn't really a great recipe for anybody, but it feels like I'm just kinda already in a state where I won't remember much of anything and then I pass out. That's pretty much what happened last night. The girl and I went for a walk and then went to the bar, and I passed out on her when we got home. So much for sexy-times, and this was the first sexy-time since she got back from her dad's burial service - she got back Tuesday.

But I got some job applications in, and now I'm on to working on the next few apps that have Nov. 1 deadlines. I also finished one of the chapters for my diss - I decided to use that as a writing sample, so it was due today, actually, though I submitted it last night. I sent it to my committee also, not thinking they'd have time to look it over or anything, but I've owed them this chapter for like 2 months already. Got an email from my committee chair this morning, and he used exclamation marks, twice!, and put GREAT in all caps once. I feel like I just freaking won graduate school.

So I guess what I'm sayin' is that it *is* possible for me to get my sh*t together more or less when I need to. The girl's off volunteering at an animal shelter at the moment, and I think she's got a job interview later today. I might be around more, who knows. I'd been reading a little and saw you guys missed me :blush: but to be honest I've been enjoying the break from here. Not that I don't miss y'all too, but it's been nice to just be productive for a little. See ya' around.

[Lostinspace]

I did initially consider using the vaporizer, Stalteri, but decided to go with nicotine lozenges instead. The main reason being that I felt like the vaporizer was too similar to smoking and would probably just become a replacement habit that I never stop, whereas I'll be weaning myself off the lozenges over the coming weeks. There's nothing wrong with the vaporizer - I'm sure it's a hell of a lot healthier than smoking. But in addition to improving my health, I really want to save some money by quitting as well. I've thrown away far too many thousands of dollars over the years on this unnecessary habit. And I can't imagine living in a house with that many heavy smokers like that. Even as someone who enjoys smoking, it makes me feel short of breath just thinking about that!

Thanks, Ne. It's always reassuring when someone who has a lot of time and experience with baclofen thinks you have a good plan. I'm glad you got some good sleep last night. And yeah, caffeine in the afternoon is always a bad idea in my experience. Although I'm sure I would have drank it, too, if my husband made a mocha for me. Yum! I hope you have a great time tonight!

Stuck!!! Or rather, mrmcclintock. It's so great to see you I'm really sorry about your girlfriend's father passing, but it's so awesome to hear how well you're doing. And that puts you in a good position to be a good support for her. That must have been beyond elating to get such positive feedback from your committee chair. And it's awesome that you're getting so much done, in general. I'm sure it feels like a huge weight off your shoulders after feeling like you were falling behind for so long. I know what you mean about a changing tolerance for booze. After going through a period of about two months where I was only drinking once every week or two, my tolerance went down considerably. Although it started building again this past week after several days of drinking in a row/almost in a row :/ It's weird how quickly it can change. Anyway, I understand your wanting to take a break from this place to focus on school, but I hope you'll stop by every once in a while to say hello. Take care my friend :hug:

Well, today went pretty much according to plan. I upped my bac to 180 mg and managed to stay AF. I did, however, buy a crapload of chocolate. I'm not going to allow myself to make a habit of this, but I refuse to feel guilty about it tonight. I was having some pretty intense vodka/bourbon cravings today, and had an absolutely shittastic afternoon at work, which made drinking seem even more appealing. So I promised myself that if I bypassed the liquor store, I could buy all the chocolate I want, just for tonight. Tomorrow I'm gonna go for a long walk and try to look for other ways to treat myself. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[StuckInCA]

F*ck it. The password reset has gotten the best of me. Whatever.

Hope you had a good night, Lis. Enjoy the chocolate.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hiya, Stuck! 'Bout time we got an substantive update from you! Not really giving you a hard time, though. It is nice to see you around here. The response to your chapter is amazing. Congratulations! I didn't (and don't) really doubt that you can put together something remarkable. I wish you didn't. I also don't think the Last Minute Lucy aspect is particularly alarming. That's just human nature. Almost everyone does it, you know? I'll send you the email address I used to get into the system. I'd put it here but I think it's got the guy's real name in it.

Whatever works, LIS. I know it's a fine balance, finding outlets that are "feel good" with instant gratification but aren't going to lead to other disturbing habits or worse. I don't know what the balance is, either. I do know that (for me) chocolate is an adequate substitute and while I get all discombobulated about it when I read about how SUGAR IS DEADLY and all that hullabaloo, I know it's better than lots and lots of other things. Plus, I don't believe the hype. Chocolate is the nectar of the gods. They'll never convince me otherwise.

Glad that you've gone up a bit with the bac. I'm fairly convinced (and not for any real substantial reason) that ~140, ~240 and ~300 are magical numbers. Just something to keep in mind, maybe.

All well here. I'll update more a bit in the near future. Right now I'm sitting outside so I can smoke and type, and it's only 60 degrees. That's cold in these parts and even though I'm bundled up, I'm shivering. You probably think that's a balmy early fall day. Or maybe even late summer? ha.

[Lostinspace]

Oh my god, Ne. 60 degrees at 5 in the morning? I'm very jealous. It was in the low 30s when I woke up and we're expecting a high of 44 here today. My brother just recently moved to Florida for no other reason than the fact that he wants to live where it's warm (and he was already four hours south of me). I thought he was a little crazy at first because - ew, Florida summers. Aren't they like a billion degrees with 500% humidity? Now I'm fantasizing about asking him if I can move in.

Anyway, not much going on here. The struggle continues. I managed to override both booze and cigarette cravings by going for a two hour walk yesterday. But then I came home and ate all the rest of the chocolate I bought on Friday, which is way more than I care to admit. At least it's all gone now and I can focus on just doing healthier things today - if I don't buy any more that is. And Ne, I don't believe all the hype about sugar being the worst thing known to man, either. But honestly, the rate I've been eating it is incredibly excessive, by any rational person's standards. As for the alcohol cravings, I have yet to get any relief from the increase in bac, so I think I will bump it up to 200 mg tomorrow. Well, that's it from me. I hope you all have a good one!

[StuckInCA]

I totally get the 'not wanting to admit' *and* the 'thank goodness it's gone' feelings. I myself was irked (to put it mildly) that there wasn't any bourbon here at home last night, but rather thankful this morning. We were supposed to go to a housewarming last night, but the guy kicked it back like 2 weeks at the last minute because no one responded to his invite. The girl and I ended up meeting him up in Pasadena for dinner anyway, and we watched the Florida State/Notre Dame game at this sports bar where we had dinner. We both ordered a beer and then she rather reluctantly agreed to drive us home - we hadn't really discussed it beforehand, which we SHOULD have - so I had 2 more beers while she switched to water. I was feeling kind of edgy at this bar, and the first beer isn't going down so well lately - makes me a little more edgy, actually.

We got home and I read for a bit and got super sleepy and called it a night. Actually a fairly good taper-down from the Thursday and Friday drinking, so I'm gonna go for an AF Sunday here. Still working a lot on these job applications. This next round requires a bunch of different things, so I'm writing some new stuff and stitching together some old stuff in new configurations. I've got plenty of time, believe it or not, and without the weight of that chapter hanging over me it's like a breath of fresh air. Of course, need to start on the next chapter right quick, but that can wait another week or so.

It's really nice to hear you're still not having bac SEs, Lis. 200+ worked for me cravings-wise, but I was kind of a basket case with insomnia and everything else. 180-200 was a crap dose for me - I'm very happy to see it's not for you.

And nice to see you, too, Ne/Neva Eva! Yeah these account issues are a pain. I was emailing back and forth with the mods yesterday afternoon and they thought they got everything sorted out. I could log in to StuckinLA but didn't have permission to post. So I just created a throwaway hotmail account and expanded my stuckness from LA to all of California. Sixty degrees? I'm not sure it's all that much warmer here at the moment. My toes are cold. But it'll warm up a lot more here during the day than it will there.

Have a good Sunday everybody.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Dude. If I were to live in a place that was 30 degrees for more than a day or two, I'd need fur.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I guess we've officially entered the fall season in coastal Virginia. It's much too cold for me to sit outside, 55 degrees, so I'm in the garage. Smoking is such a pain in the foot. That said, I'm unwilling to entertain the idea of quitting. Your experience, LIS, is enough to keep me puffing away! I don't mean that in a negative way. I'm just being very cautious with my poor brain chemistry balance because I'm finally feeling like I'm pulling out of the depression for real... Almost normal, maybe. A couple of things have changed, but I won't dwell on it here.

Stuck, one cannot possibly be "stuck" in California. I would live in some parts of California tomorrow if our world wasn't centered in the middle-east-coast. My parents are thinking of moving to northern CA to be near their grandkids and boy-o, it will be hard not to follow them. The only other place that holds that kind of appeal for me is Chicago, and we've already established that I don't and won't live in an intemperate climate. (In body or mind! ha!)

Regardless of your experience with the lack of SEs so far, LIS, I'd suggest that you may experience some as/if you go up. It's just too common. That said, I've been wrong more times than I care to admit and would be happy if I was wrong again. I mention it simply because I want you to know that they are not insurmountable, and there is a way to manage them. (With some notable and rare exceptions, as in Stuck's case.)

I've got to figure out what I'm going to do with my day today. Turns out I may not be entering back into the nursing program this week for a number of reasons completely unrelated to me. (They're understaffed and some other bull sh*t.) I can't decide if I should make it happen or just go with the flow. Both options are probably equally likely. The reasons they are giving are just...ridiculous. Relatively easily surmountable, I think. I wouldn't mind putting off reentering until January, though. Not sure what to do...Therefore, not sure what to do with my day today!

Hope it's a good day!

[bkyogagurl]

Feeling shitty so far today. I did make my AF day yesterday but drank heavily on Friday night & tapered down on Saturday.
I am going to go run a jog & see if I can come back & post something positive.

Good day to all.

[Lostinspace]

I'm glad you had a good taper-down from the drinking on Saturday night, Stuck. That's awesome that you're ahead of schedule for the next round of applications. It's always good to be able to use things you've already written with a new twist and add to it. It definitely lowers the stress of it all. And nope - still no side effects I had been steady at 160 mg for over two months prior to going up, though, so my body was already quite used to it. In fact, my entire titration (outside of the first 80 mg) happened at a snail's pace, so I think that's been really helpful for me.

I wish I did have fur, Ne. My only solution when I'm outside is to walk really, really fast to keep the body heat up. It's great for fitness, but really sucky for trying to push myself to start walking in the first place. Even during my obligatory wait in between buses, there's always the nice, warm library to hide out in. I have to resist that temptation to get my walks in.

And I'm sorry to hear my experience has put you even further off the idea of quitting smoking. I can certainly understand, though. It's a rough adjustment. I'm really surprised myself that I haven't said "f*ck it" after everything I've gone through the last (almost) two weeks. I'm glad you're finally pulling out of the depression. It's definitely a good idea not to mess with your brain chemistry too much at this point. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do regarding the nursing program. January's not so far away. If there's a way to pick up where you left off without pushing back your graduation date too much, then it might be a good thing to take a break.

Sorry to hear you're feeling so crappy today, bk. I hope the day has gotten better for you since you posted :hug:

I decided not to go up to 200 mg today after all because for the first time in over a week, I had zero cravings to speak of yesterday. And yet for some stupid reason I chose to drink for the first time in three days anyway. The same was true today - no cravings, drank anyway. I really don't understand myself sometimes. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results. I would say that insanity is doing something self-injurious that you don't even WANT to do, yet doing it anyway, because you can't figure out exactly what it is that you DO want to do.

Not to bore you all with the whole quitting smoking thing, but, as stupid as it sounds, it has left a hole. I miss the ritual. And unlike 99% of the smoking planet, I don't associate drinking with smoking. I used to do both at all hours of the day and night. But slugging down some vodka or bourbon from my secret stash was usually both spatially and temporally separated from my smoking habit, so rather than make me want to smoke, drinking seems to be helping me deal with that restless, listless feeling I've had ever since I quit smoking. It sucks.

There's no way in hell I'm going back to smoking after all this time. Especially since I haven't returned to my old ways drinking-wise. I've simply taken a short detour towards the drinking habits I had at 120 mg. And now that the cravings have passed, I can probably just get on with life if only I can stop drinking for other reasons. But maybe I've become too optimistic? I don't know what's realistic anymore, I have to say. I used to be all doom and gloom all the time. But over the years (along with some CBT counseling and countless books on positive thinking) I think I might be becoming a little too Pollyanna. I guess only time will tell. All of life is a lesson, right? Well that sucks. I want the diploma on life lessons and to be able to move on already. Sheesh. I need to shut up already. I hope you all have a great night!

[StuckInCA]

Well, first I wanted to say I wasn't laughing or thinking you were silly for cutting down a straw to cigarette size, Lis. I cut down a bic pen, a red one so the end cap would be red, and even wrapped the damned thing in rolling paper the last time I tried quitting smoking. Second, the taper was great and all but having a couple drinks this evening. One of my school friends (she's administrative staff) wanted to meet the girl, so we all got together for drinks at the University Club (very swanky). And wouldn't you know it but it is Martini Monday? Well, I only had 1 so I could offer to drive us home - after Saturday when she only had 1 drink so she could drive us home. It being her first day at the new job, I figured she could celebrate. But she only ended up having 2 and said she was fine to drive. Picked up a 6 pack since we had to validate her parking somehow, then I found a mini bottle of rum in my bag (??), but it'll still be a pretty quiet night.

Keep on fighting the good fight, folks.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

If drinking were solely about physical craving, LIS, we'd have a much easier time of handling addiction. Whatever. You're on the road. And because it might bring some comfort, I think many of us who use baclofen find that there are times when we start to drink again, or drink more for a short period, when we're titrating up.

I am incredibly impressed about your commitment to not smoking. I think if I had any hope for success I'd do it.

Stuck, congrats to the girlfriend on her new job! That must be good for both of you?

I got the official word that I'm not going to be able to re-enroll in the nursing program this session. Turns out that it is fairly devastating news. My cohort (class) officially finished with the program yesterday and they are celebrating all over Facebook. I still can't decide if I should make waves and get into this session or not. I think I could, because the decision is based on bull shit. But it's a small program, the people who are on the committee who made the decision are influential, and I don't need any enemies from on high. (And it would entail involving the dean, and maybe even the provost. The decision was based on their staffing issues, completely unrelated to my eligibility. It's rather involved to explain, but the mid-level day-to-day stuff is run by some very incompetent people. Incompetent people who have a lot of power over the students.) It's a conundrum. I wish I had someone to go to for advice. My advisor at school is new-ish and has made it clear that she cannot get involved when it comes to the politics... Oy. I don't know what to do. And the truth is, the only reason I am not planning on raising holy hell to get what I've worked so hard for is that I don't want to do it. But you know what? That helps solidify my decision. The goal is just to get this damn degree done. I guess I'll put on my grown-woman-garments and go see the dean this morning. <sigh> Fighting the good fight today. Cross some fingers for me, will you?

Peace out.

[StuckInCA]

Many crossed fingers, Ne. Academic administrative BS is the worst! You're so close to finishing - you deserve to be on track regardless of their nonsense. F*ck them.

It is good that the girl has found a job, and yes it's good for us both. Today is the first day that I have the house to myself. Actually, most days we're both out all day working now, but Tuesdays and Fridays I'll be here all by my little lonesome, and that suits me just fine. Not that I have any grand plans for the day, just some random writing and then a few errands. Hope it's a good one, everybody.

[Ne1]

Holy cow. I think I'm back in the program and I start TOMORROW! (I don't have the official email yet, but I got an unofficial text from someone in the know.)

I. Am. So. Unprepared. Holy mother of all things. Manomanoman.

[Ne1]

oops. Wrong account again. <sigh> It's Ne obviously.