Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

That's awesome that your girlfriend got a job, Stuck! Congrats to her. It's always nice to have the house to yourself, here and there. And that's great that you were able to get together with a school friend for drinks without getting carried away. Grad school can be tough when you're trying to get your drinking under control. It almost seems like drinking is one of the required courses. I think I like your fake cigarette idea better than mine. It's more realistic looking. It's funny how powerful the habit is, though. I even go so far as to pretend to light my straw cigarette and then put it out when I'm done with it.

That's such good news, Ne! Intimidating, I'm sure, since you weren't quite prepared to start tomorrow, but awesome nonetheless. And I'm sure you'll do great. Hell, you're the type of person who can procrastinate and still get A's! I had to study every chance I got to pull that off. You're one of the gifted ones. I hope you have a great first day back

I drank again today despite no cravings, but I'm not going to get upset. The fact that my cravings have been gone for three days in a row is a victory in itself. Now I just have to plan my after work time better so I don't make the same mistake again tomorrow, and can rebuild better habits. I'm gonna take a look at the bus schedule and see if I can get dropped off in a different place, further out from downtown, and still make my second bus home. That will solve two problems - keep me away from the liquor stores and force me to take my walk. Because today, I really didn't want to drink. I wasn't just not craving, I didn't want to drink - as in, I would have much preferred to keep a clearer head than what I have now. But with at least one liquor store within spitting distance of the bus stop, it suddenly seems like a thing to do, whether I want to or not. I only had two 200 ml bottles - one each of vodka and bourbon, but I still feel yucky, and proofreading every goddamn thing I type is getting to be tiresome.

I think things are slowly starting to settle down, in general. There was only one time today that I actually wanted to smoke, and that was when I first got off my bus downtown. Two men were walking towards me, one of them smoking. I thought "god I could go for one of those," until I actually passed them and caught a whiff. He was smoking a joint - on a crowded street - in still daylight - in a section of town where there's at least one cop car a minute passing by. What an idiot! Anyway, things are getting better. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[bkyogagurl]

Ne- that is so exciting!! You will do great. Preparing will fall into place.

Lis- I am so intrigued by ready your progress on bac. I wish I had more info to contribute but I am learning from you.. I am still on the fence as to whether I will try it or not..

Stuck- would you ever try bac again? Sounds like you are doing pretty good at fewer drunk days. So you think with the girl out of the house that you will be tempted to drink? I love drinking alone.. I know that's really bad but it's true.

Well after going for a run yesterday I felt much better and am thinking of starting training for a race.. I did end up taking Sunday off and haven't drank since and don't plan on drinking til the weekend..
it's just my designated days that I have to deal with now.. Fri & Sat.

Well I am off to bake cookies to contribute to my ever expanding ass... But it's better than drinking 12 beers.:victorious:

Hope everyone is having a great day... Good luck Ne

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thanks, guys. Turns out that my particular class doesn't start until Monday so a further reprieve. Honestly, it makes me feel like the stars and moon are aligned a little bit in my favor. I got lots more good news yesterday, too. Very good stuff. I am very worried about getting my butt kicked by this class, though. Part of the good news is that the person who is teaching it is MUCH easier than the usual professor. (She's ex-military and you'd think she was special forces or something. She brooks no bull. Which is cool, but also hard. I prefer the slacker professor, especially for this class! woot!)

But the drama (and there is always drama in nursing. Wtf is up with that???) Anyway, the drama already started. There is another woman who is enrolling with me. She got pregnant and took time off for maternity stuff. More power to her, right?! But she emailed me yesterday to ask a favor because she's pumping and blah, blah and it's a HUGE favor that would increase my workload substantially. So I said No. She's still wheedling and whining about it. I know this makes me a "bad person" and unsympathetic and whatever, but you know what? I don't care. She has SEVEN children. She is a Super-Christian crazy person and that, probably more than anything else, makes me completely unsympathetic.

I am a huge supporter and believer in maternity rights, for the record. But special dispensation that impacts only one other person based on the desire to have a kid at a certain time when it is really "inconvenient"? Nope. I guess I'm wondering if I should even feel guilty or selfish? What do you think?

And on another, completely unrelated note, we are going to get a whole lot of money from the utility company that has been doing construction in our backyard for the last two years. It's a long, convoluted story, but I've been really diligent about documenting and being a general nuisance about things (because it's been really intolerable and they kept screwing up) and we are going to reap the benefits of that diligence. THAT feels really good. And it's A LOT of money. (More money than my annual starting salary!) How cool is that? (I'm going to have to delete this, because we will have to sign a confidentiality contract, but it's very exciting so I thought I'd share.) (Also, people told me repeatedly, ad nauseum and etc..., that we just had to suck it up and live with it. It feels really, really, really good to have it work out in our favor.)

Glad you felt better, bk. I think it's a great idea to train for a race! I still haven't gotten on the ball about exercising, but I'm definitely better than I was. I would love to train for a race, but I'm still not strong enough yet. Maybe I'll pick something for early next year?

Stuck, good things! Glad to hear it.

LIS, why don't you think it's craving that leads you to drink? Craving, I think, isn't just that white-hot-need gnawing at your belly. It's also just the simple desire to feel...better. At least that's true for me.

Hope it's a good day, peeps!

[its a trip]

My sisters a Duty nurse Ne. (A nurse on call type of thing) She done most of here work release in her degree in the ER but says this is a whole other ball game. She had 3 deaths to go out over last weekend (2 she had to deal with them passing.) Most call outs are terminally ill patients and people ready to go the hospice. She said the abuse she has to deal with is unreal with dealing with family members. But because she sort of grew up in the area she works she can take it and give it out just as much and I think that maybe gets you a bit of respect?

She didn't do great in here degree but said that a lot of the nurses she graduated with who passed with flying colors didn't really make it because them couldn't deal with some of the madness/drama that you have to deal with. A lot she said were still straight out of school and straight to University. She I suppose had a lot of life experience behind her at 37 I suppose doctors leave it all to nurse to do the people person kind of duties?

Shes handy for getting my LFTs. I could take better blood than my GPs nurse and I'm shit scared of IVs. She poked me so much one time I took a panic attack with needle still in my arm! My are was black and blue for a week. I passed out right there in the surgery.

[Lostinspace]

I'm glad you're feeling better, bk. And I agree that signing up for a race is a great idea. I'm actually thinking about doing the same thing myself this Spring to keep myself motivated. I can't start running yet for reasons I already rambled on about, so I won't go into again. No, it's not just an excuse, I just need a car. But that's awesome that you're so dedicated to running.

Ne - that's such awesome news!! That you have more time to prepare, that you have an easier professor, and that you're getting a HUGE sum of money coming your way for all the hassles you had to put up with. I guess it does pay to keep track of everything and keep bugging people. And no, Ne, I don't think you're being selfish at all. Granted, I'm commenting on a situation which is a little vague, but she has no right to ask you to be the only person to help her with her parental responsibilities. That's not fair to you. I'm so sorry she put you in that position. You have enough responsibility. You don't need to be caring for her 7th child.

And what is with those people anyway? My dad's side of the family is like that. My oldest cousin on that side had six kids last time I checked. Many years ago, my brother was talking to her husband. He was talking about *only* having six children. My brother made a joke about "well I guess you're just not trying hard enough." My cousin's husband got all serious and said "I know. We try every day." What is wrong with those people??!! He was already supporting a family of eight (my cousin doesn't work) on a salary that's only marginally higher than mine. And I sure as hell ain't rich. Far from it - that's my biggest push in getting a new job is that I can barely pay my college loans without suffocating. Needless to say, I've broken off contact with that side of the family since my grandma died. They're CRAZY!!! Anyway, I really hope you don't let her guilt trip you into not enjoying your semester.

Well, I drank again. And I'm not sure what to say about your suggestion that it's a lower level craving, Ne. I know that the last time I felt this way, I quit with very little difficulty, once I actually put my mind to it. I think I'm taking comfort in the fact that I know it won't escalate into something terrible. Much the same way as when I drank at 120 mg. Yeah, I drank every day, but it was such a minuscule amount compared to what I used to drink. And it never started to get more and more. I don't know. Maybe I'm a walking pile of bullshit. I don't know anymore. I'd like to think I'm still in control. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[bkyogagurl]

Ne- first off no way are you in the least bit *selfish*... I would say the crazy Christian lady is being selfish for having the nerve to ask... People like that bug the poop out of me.. I am so glad you set your boundary and said "No"... I love when people stand up for themselves instead of going along with something because they feel they should.

I would definitely want the non-special forces professor too. I hope it makes the class flow smoother. My son has a military teacher- who is a she and she is a bit extreme like PTSD extreme... Her and I almost went head to head over an issue but I was afraid of getting my ass kicked so I chose to email her instead.. HA! (I wasn't really worried about getting my ass kicked I was so pissed I would have taken it at that point) That's another story tho..

What great news about the $$... Hmmm maybe a nice vacation or I know...
Swimming pool. Extra money is always nice!!

If you wanted to do virtual training with me for a race I would love that. We could chose a training program. Let me know if or when you might be interested.

All is well in BK land for today. Will be running this evening and won't be drinking. I don't even crave AL during the week any more. We will see how I feel when Friday gets here. But I am thinking I may be enjoying an AF Friday if my stars align. miracles do happen.

I gotta say I miss the old icons..

Hope everyone is feeling warm & fuzzy... In a good way.
Have a great night friends!

Lis- looks like we were posting at the same time... funny... Off to read your post now

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Thanks for the support, peeps. I am just going to forget about the situation. Act like it never happened! I read something somewhere about discerning between a MyP (my problem) and a NMP (not my problem). I would add a very important asterisk to that little ditty. Sometimes it's important to carry other people's problems, or to help in some way that is personally taxing. But I have to figure out how to discriminate without being burdened by those I don't choose. And heaven knows, I have more than enough problems of my own without bearing the brunt of someone else's concerns, when I didn't choose to do it! And now, having made the decision, I HAVE to let it go completely. Because otherwise, I'm still carrying her problem. Ya' know?

LIS, I have a very similar part of my family. My grandmother died in the spring. Like you, I made the decision not to participate with them anymore. This is not a small thing, and it really bothers my mom that I don't "like" my aunt anymore. But for all of the reasons I stated above, (and oh my god so many more) I really don't see anything but a superficial relationship in our future. I'll send cards and money. ha.

I don't know what to say about the drinking...It makes everything harder/worse/yucky. I also know that it's a process, and progress counts. I certainly can't suggest (and wouldn't anyway) that people have to maintain abstinence in order to achieve success! That wasn't my experience and it simply isn't true. As long as your eyes are on the goal...And please, don't stop posting and definitely don't start feeling badly/guilty/shameful about it.

BK, I can't do any sort of training for running right now either. I'm way too out of shape. I have a bad back and the pain is exacerbated by extended time sitting, hunched over the computer. When I run, it messes up my back and my hips. I've got to lift, first. That said, I am running a block at a time at a slow jog with the pup because she needs it. It will come for me, too. I'm looking forward to it!

The money is already allocated to all sorts of not-so-fun things. But I am going to buy that robo-vac I returned! Woot! Pete the puppy doesn't have her full fur, yet, but it's coming. And husky fur is no joke! They drop a dog's worth every spring and fall. The Goose's used to end up in food, the fridge, the oven, the bathroom...It was uncontainable. (The Goose is my old dog.)

Enough from me this morning!
I hope you have an AF Friday, too! Good luck with that!
Hiya, Stuck.

[bkyogagurl]

Ne- what a fabulous insight to read in the morn for me... It's like a little counseling session.
I am so glad to here you won't harbor someone's stuff. But in turn be there if someone needed you.. Such good mind stuff for me. Thanks. And I totally get where you are with running.. I started lifting when I returned to it but now I am ready to train. So fun to take your new pup out and I certainly do not envy that hair.

Lis- in my humble opinion... The mind is very powerful. Meds helps & give you a break so to speak but ultimately in my experience you have to dig deep and really think about what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. I have tried a few meds and toprimate did work at first very well but I believe because I didn't have quite the right mindset yet I was able to eventually drink over it as with naltrexone. But lately I am med free and have been using a goal oriented base to manage my stuff... I have been having fewer cravings and more AF time than I have had in a long time. I got chastised a bit on another thread but I don't care.. It feels like it is working slowly. But truly I am putting my mind to it too. I think I lied when I said I didn't have cravings at all this week because of course right after I posted that I went for an evening run with a friend and right afterward thought I wonder if she will ask me to have a glass of wine? Then I thought maybe I should ask her...
I sat back and said where is this coming from.... I wasn't craving it..
I figured out that it was just an old ingrained habit. Spending time with friends has always lead to drinking in some sort of way. I am trying to rewire new habits with my friends instead of defaulting to drinking. I have been asking my friends to do things like go hiking, take a dance class etc... It's a slow process.
It sounded like you were doing good changing your behavior trying to take different buses and walking more.. But now would be a good time to find another behavior to skew or bend the drinking a bit...do you have any hobbies you used to enjoy? I don't know... I hate giving advice sometimes cause I'm afraid I'm going to piss someone off and get some shitty rebuttal.. It's up to me not to take it on.
But everyone is entitled to their opinion but I always say "opinions are like assholes- everyone has one" I cracked myself up...

But I to have been working on my boundary skills and just try to respond to them with my honest self.

Oops gotta go. Be back later.
Hugs.

[spiritwolf333]

Ne- first off no way are you in the least bit *selfish*... I am so glad you set your boundary and said "No"... I love when people stand up for themselves instead of going along with something because they feel they should.

Perfect! Thanks BKY

[Lostinspace]

That's great that you're mostly no longer craving during the week, bk. And thinking about drinking one time after a run is no big deal. Those deeply ingrained habits really are so tough to break, but it's great that you took a step back and looked at what was going on rather than just diving headfirst into a wine glass. It's also great that you're being proactive and asking your friends to do other things instead of just waiting until the inevitable happens.

I don't mind you nudging me a bit to take better steps to continue changing my habits. I suppose I could use a little kick in the ass right now. I think for the most part, my mindset has been in the right place the last few months, and I'm more than ready to get sober. I've just gotten a little off course recently. I think I just got tired because a couple weeks ago, for the first time in a while, I was struggling with actual cravings again. When the cravings started to dissipate a few days ago, I had a hard time caring enough to break the renewed habit. I did stay AF tonight at least, so hopefully I'm getting back on track.

Unfortunately, I really don't have any hobbies besides walking and reading, and haven't had any real hobbies for years. The things I used to do way back when are not really a possibility most of the time due to my reliance on crappy public transportation. I know I need to find other things I can get into at home until I start driving again. I'm not sure what, but I'll put some more thought into it. And I'm rooting for you to have an AF Friday, as well. I'm gonna try to join you. I miss some of the old emojis, too. The wink one just isn't the same now

That's a really wise outlook on the whole situation with that woman, Ne. It definitely is difficult to know when we should allow ourselves to be burdened for another person, and when they're just being unreasonable for even asking something of us. But that's a great way of looking at it - that if you continue to think about it after asserting your decision, you're allowing yourself to be burdened anyway.

I have to say though, in regards to your family, you're a better woman than me. I don't even send cards or make any superficial gestures at a relationship with that side of the family. I've literally had zero contact with them in the last 18 years. Although in all fairness, they could also have tried to reach out to me and never have. They started viewing me as a bit (or a lot!) of a black sheep when I made the decision to stop going to church when I was 16.

And you may not be going on an exotic vacation, or getting a pool or anything, but having the money to spend on big ticket "not-so-fun" things can be kinda fun in its own right. A robo-vac? That's so awesome!

You're right about alcohol making everything harder. My lack of sleep these past couple weeks is reason enough to stop making excuses, and is exactly why I chose not to drink tonight. A good night of sleep sounds infinitely more appealing right now than some cheap vodka and bourbon.

I guess that's it from me. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

It actually really hurts my mother that I don't want to be involved with that side of my family. And unlike the situation with this woman, a stranger with whom I have no relationship, it's pretty selfish of me to just stop participating with them. Maybe I'll grow enough to include them? pffft. Not anytime soon. I'm still angry at them over the way they handled some things after my grandmother's death. (That part right there, my anger, tells me I have some work to do. Doesn't that make sense?)

Relationships are hard. At least I make mine hard. I sure miss the clarity I had in new sobriety. I also miss the feeling that the whole world is open to exciting new possibilities. I don't understand, honestly, how people feel depressed. I mean, I get it. And I'm not trying to dismiss those feelings, at all! But damn, man. I felt FREE! Want to learn how to paint? Or paint a room? Or paint my toenails at 9 PM? All those things were suddenly possible for the first time. Driving at night was a revelation. Doing the dinner dishes at night instead of in the morning! Hell, eating dinner regularly was new and different.

The reason I got sober, the real reason, is that my life was in a holding pattern. I knew that I could never, would never, be able to do the things that I want (and need?) to do because I Could. Not. Stop. Drinking. It was the only thing keeping my life in a shitty place, and without it, without the disease eating up my brain and directing my actions, I could do whatever I wanted. (Or nothing at all.)

The car thing sucks, and I'm not minimizing it because I know first hand that it's not only life-limiting, it's also part of the whole punishment-shame-guilt cycle. But you don't need a car to realize that life is a-changing and the possibilities are pretty endless. (Lordy, listen to me. I sound like a Deepak commercial. Sorry.)

I know this is already long, but I want to share a <ping> I had yesterday. (A <ping> is that thing that come to you when you see things a little differently, with a little more clarity...) I had a remarkably productive day. I did some homework first thing, then made some calls that were annoying, then decided to pick up some lunch and take it to a friend's house, then got my hair done, then went to the dentist, then played with and trained and walked puppy, made dinner and had a really nice evening with husband. That kind of day would have been impossible just two weeks ago. Maybe even a week ago. I mean, it's no big deal, right? Just a day. But the <ping> was that it has been SO damn hard to just have a day for many months. I feel like the clouds parted.

It feels good, and fuels the fire for the stuff I have to do today. (I can dare hope that these days will add up and I will feel this good--normal--for a while.) And you know what I think the difference is? Sleep. The money helps, too.

I hope you guys have a day like that soon.

[Lostinspace]

I'm sorry, Ne. I didn't mean to go on about a sensitive situation with your family. Relationships can certainly be tricky. I don't know what clarity you experienced in early sobriety, but it seems to me that you do now have a lot of insight and wisdom in your relationships.

And I didn't mean to sound like a whiner. I also went through a period of feeling like everything was absolutely magical when I first went AF on bac two and a half months ago. Just going for walks, being able to concentrate enough to read a book, having the energy and motivation to clean my house - it was all amazing. But that high wore off quickly when I realized how limited I still am.

It was so much nicer when my husband and I were starting to do new or fun things together. But now that he's working weekends, he's tired and unwilling to go out at night (either on weekdays or weekends), whether to do something together, or just to drop me off somewhere to do something on my own. It's incredibly frustrating when there are so many things that I want to go out and do, but can't yet. It'll all (hopefully) be a moot point in a few months, though, if the DMV approves my reapplication request.

I know there are other things I could get into that don't require me going anywhere, but I'm having trouble feeling inspired by anything, in large part because of the fact that I've wasted so much of my free time over the years that I'm just not good at anything. I've tried getting into cooking, but I have no idea what I'm doing and just end up ruining the food. I have a guitar sitting in my closet that I asked for for Christmas many years ago on a drunken whim, but I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of trying to teach myself. I won't bore you with other examples, but it's been hard for me to feel inspired to start anything when I'm a complete novice at everything and don't know where to begin.

Although now that I've typed that out, I'm realizing that it's ridiculous to not do something just because I'm not a master. Everyone has to start somewhere. Maybe I will pull that guitar out of the closet this weekend. I have some beginner instructional books somewhere, I just need to find them. I already know how to read music since I played piano as a kid. Hmmm. . . that might be a good weekend project. Especially because I unfortunately drank again last night. I could use something new, and something that requires the use of my mind, to shake things up and break the habit.

I'm happy to hear that you had that <ping> as you call it, and that you're feeling better and more alive again. I find that that kind of get-up-and-going, positive, productive energy tends to build on itself, kind of like the law of inertia - objects in motion tend to stay in motion, and vice versa. So I hope you do have many more days like this And sleep, my god yes, is vital to feeling that way. But with the kind of money you're about to get, I think a happy dance (or twenty) is in order, whether you sleep or not.

Anyway, I hope you're all having a lovely Saturday out there

[Lostinspace]

So I did whip out the guitar today and found one of the instructional books. I went through the first several lessons and practiced a few of the songs over and over for a few hours this afternoon. I can see this is going to take a LOT of practice to be able to play even one song well. The problem is, while I seem to be able to (very slowly) play single note melodies, I'm finding the chords to be impossible. I have short, stubby fingers. And even when I use my right hand to physically separate the fingers of my other hand and place them on the right strings, I'm unable to hold that position long enough to actually play the chord. My fingers won't stay that far separated - and they keep hitting the adjacent strings. I wish I could hire a guitar teacher for just a single lesson so that they could tell me whether this is a normal beginner problem, or if I'm just anatomically ill-equipped to be playing this instrument. Oh well, I'll give it another try tomorrow. And if nothing else, at least my husband was working today, so he wasn't around to hear the god-awful noises I was making.

Anyway, moving on from that, I think I may have screwed myself over by continuing to drink after the cravings abated this last week because yesterday, I did start craving again. And while the craving was mild enough that I really could have rode it out, had I tried harder, today the craving was something fierce. I tried all day to keep myself engaged with other things, even by trying something new, but I still felt compelled to go to the liquor store. As soon as the evening was starting to roll around, I knew I had to act fast, or else go completely nuts. (The last bus of the day leaving from downtown is 7pm on Saturdays, so if I don't catch the 5:30 bus to get there, there's no way I can go to town and make it back home). I wonder if the reason I'm starting to crave again is because I kept fueling the fire.

And it's difficult, because while sure, the renewed habit was a good part of why I continued drinking even after I stopped having cravings, that's not the whole story. I've been struggling with another trigger (my god, I HATE that rehab-y word, but I can't think of a better one) that I really don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone. But it has to do with the fuckupedness of my head. I really don't know what to do to solve this issue, and I know I'm not giving anyone anything to go by as far as giving advice, so I'm not looking for advice. I just want to vent and get out my frustration.

I wish I could scream, but I don't know how. Seriously, I really never have, my whole life. Kinda funny story. When I was in third grade, my class put on a production of Snow White. I played the witch that the evil queen turned into. At the end, when the dwarves were pushing me off a cliff - or rather a chair (is that the standard ending? It was for us), my teacher got so fed up with me not being able to scream, that she finally decided that one of the dwarves (whose back was to the audience) would do it for me while I opened my mouth.

I don't know what else to say. I'm on the bus ride home after already drinking one of the two 200 ml bottles I bought. I wish getting sober was easier and more clear-cut. It's not. I suppose because I never reached true indifference in the first place. I really want to go up in dose, but that's going to require an online order, and the inevitable long talk with my husband - something I haven't yet gotten myself ready for. I'm terrified of that conversation. Anyway, I hope you're all having a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Face your fear. Just do it. Get it over with and move on. Pick a standard cliche and go with it. Because, and this one I will take a small bit of credit for, it takes what it takes. Hardest battle ever...Don't lose sight of the goal. Because once it's done, you can move on for good. hahahaha. I drive myself crazy with that kind of stuff, so thought I'd share a little bit.



Whatever you have going on in your head, the fucked-upedness, will go away or can be dealt with when you're not drinking. I've never understood the shrinks who told me I had to quit drinking in order to get treatment, but <sigh> it's true. Contentedly not drinking changed everything. (Obviously, it didn't save me from getting really depressed when everything went haywire, but that is dealt with as a different, though related, thing. Does that make any sense?)



Story time! My dad...is amazing. Infuriating, demanding, brilliant, a total pain in the foot...But he does things. Just because. He's a small plane pilot, a sailor (who teaches--as a civilian--at the Naval Academy), an entrepreneur, a fixer of all things, and builder. He fishes, deep sea and for croaker off the pier. He loves kites and remote control everything. Even though they are in the process of selling their second home, he decided to build a bocce court on the property, because when and where else will he be able to do it? (It's official size and all that jazz. No small endeavor. I think it's 80' long!!?)



He also decided, at age 50-something, to learn how to play the drums. The drums, ffs! He had to sound-proof a room in their townhouse in the city in order to be able to practice. And he practiced for years. When he stopped practicing, his drum teacher fired him. So he started practicing again when he had time, and started taking lessons again. Guess what? He really never got very good. I can't describe the aggravation of listening to the same 3 Tom Petty songs for the last decade. But we indulged him. First of all, because we had no choice. Second of all, because it is what he does, and has always done and one of the reasons we think he's amazing.



That is the short list of the things he's accomplished. (He can navigate by the stars, and knows all the constellations and weather patterns. He makes furniture. oh, wow, and so much more. He has travelled through and lived in most of the continents.) Just imagine, though, all of the things he has started and quit. The list is loooong. Much longer than his list of things he's actually done.



You know what else? He's an alcoholic. He often feels like a failure. He gets incredibly depressed and dark sometimes. He was also, in many ways, a very difficult father to have.



I saw David Sedaris in concert (is that what it's called when the person is just reading?) last night. Very funny, but also equally insightful and illuminating. (Especially some of the dark corners of the mind.) I'm looking forward to reading his latest book, even though I find his essays need to be read in small snippets or the snark is overwhelming.



I also heard a short (story) on Selected Shorts yesterday from a Joan Didion essay about why/how she writes. It was fantastic. If you have too much time, you might google it. I love her, anyway. (Though I can't read her stuff in bulk either. Too much WASPy stuff. Though she might be Jewish? I'm not sure. anyway. The Year of Magical Thinking was very moving, but God, I love all her words. Anyway...again.)



Sorry for the length and breadth of this post! I thought of you, and several of my other thoughtful and insightful friends from here, during both of those experiences. Had to share, space and time be damned. ha

[Ne/Neva Eva]

For the record, it was difficult to grow up with, and is still a pain in the ass, to be a part of a family of over-achieving alcoholically minded peeps. Which goes back generations. Very annoying. Especially now that I have decided not to over-achieve at under-achieving. I have had to take remedial math classes. And that's just one example of things in which I am remedial. Many of them are things that most other people know how to do or be or fake when they're 45 years old. <sigh> Like relationships. So thanks for saying what you did. In real life, I am actually not very good at them at all. But I'm working on it...