Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

That was three times as long with half as much in it as there should have been. Sorry.

Here's what I wish I'd written:

It's SO GREAT that you played the guitar. You can't really know if you're genetically stunted and disfigured fingers are the reason you struggled, or if you just don't know how to do it yet. My dad picked up the drums in his 50s, practiced every night, and still sucked at it. But he had fun making a ton of noise and being the center of attention (regardless of where we were in the house) while he sucked.

I know you know my solution to my own drinking "problem". ha. I gotta be honest and tell you something: I was pretty sure this was going to happen. Hence encouraging you to tell your husband way back when. But I have since realized that it doesn't really matter when you tell him, just as long as you tell him. Keep in mind, it (hopefully) won't be just one discussion, either. How long did it take me to get a real understanding of this disease and baclofen thing? (ha. Some would say I'm not there yet.) Think back to your perception of the disease when you got here. Then explain it to yourself, and then use that with him. (Maybe. Just thinking in writing...) Plus, it will be good in so many ways. Really. Haven't you ever shared a secret burden, or confessed to something, and then found voila! it no longer had power? This is gonna be like that.

It makes sense to me that drinking leads to more drinking. That doesn't mean you have to beat yourself up about it. It's a lesson we all learn the hard way. Maybe that's the only way to learn this particular lesson, because it's the nature of the disease to seek out the only treatment our brains know: booze. (Or drugs, or sex. Whatever.)

I am really sorry it's so painful. That's the part I have no visceral memory of, but have memories about what I wrote and said about it. IT SUCKS. And I'm really and truly sorry. But you'll get free of it again, soon. jkttdp. And walking. And other stuff.

I walked my dog--5000 steps! Halfway to the goal and it's only 11AM! woot!
Another endlessly long one. Sorry again.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Lis, did you see the statistics I posted on the other thread? Holy sh*t. Don't start smoking again! I had no idea of the actual numbers.

[Lostinspace]

Wow, Ne! I did just read those statistics - pretty frightening. And what's even worse is that alcohol and tobacco have synergistic, rather than additive, effects on lung damage. It makes me cringe to think of how many years I spent doing both. I had a toxicology professor in college who did a presentation on this subject during one her lectures. And there were multiple times throughout the semester (y'know with us being college students and all) that she would implore us "please, if you drink, don't smoke. If you smoke, don't drink!"

And thank you as always for the support and encouragement. I know I gotta face the fear and just talk to my husband. Although I don't suppose the packages come unmarked with no return address, do they? Like he could give me the package and I'll say "oh yeah, this must be that moisturizing skin repair system I ordered." I'm kidding, sort of - I really wish I could just order it and not have to say anything. Because even though my recent drinking has been excessive enough to strip me of my motivation to do much of anything after work, and I'm not ok with it for many other reasons as well, it's nowhere near what it was in the past. I haven't been noticeably intoxicated even once in four months now, and my husband doesn't know I've been drinking at all. Every great once in a while, I get slightly loopy by the end of the night, but I'm always able to play it off as just being tired.

Would it be terribly dishonest of me to say that I'm getting more bac to supplement my prescription just because I sometimes still have cravings (and leave out the part about me drinking entirely)? It's true that I want it because I'm still having cravings. The rest is a lie by omission, I know, but he's actually told me several times in the past few months how proud he is of me. I really don't want to cause any friction in what has become a truly wonderful relationship for the first time in many years. I'm a terrible person, I know.

And while I am pretty much decided at this point that I'll be buying online, I can't help but wonder if things would have gone better had I just stuck to the plan I made a little over a week ago. I don't think I mentioned it, but I only stayed at 180 mg for a few days. I figured if I was starting to drink again for reasons other than true cravings, which I was for several days at least, then there was no sense in wasting my extra stockpile of bac. Maybe if I retry that plan, only this time actually stick to the period of forced abstinence, I really can go back to enjoying greater success at my current dose? Probably not. I don't know. My thoughts are all over the place. But I'll be trying this for the next few days, anyway, while I build up the courage to talk to my husband, figure out how much bac to order, how I'm going to budget it in, etc.

And I know deep down that you're right, Ne - that I can only really start to address my screwy head properly once I'm sober. And the drinking's not really helping even in the short-term, anyway. A lot of times, it seems to magnify what's going on. And even when it doesn't, the way I drink these days, it only takes me out of my head for two, maybe three hours at best, followed by the return of my problems, even stronger anxiety, sometimes full on panic, and just a general feeling of yuckiness.

And wow, your dad does sound amazing. I've never understood people who are not only into doing a lot of different things, but are actually good at all those things at the same time . . . except the drums apparently, ha! But that does make me feel less bad about subjecting my husband to the noises I'm making. I can only imagine that bad guitar playing is a lot less irritating than bad drum playing. And I can see the depression. It's mind-boggling, but seems to be true, that some of the most talented and accomplished people in life are the ones who feel like the biggest failures.

I feel your pain about growing up in a family of overachievers. Maybe not alcoholic overachievers because outside of me, the alcoholism seemed to stop after my grandparents' generation - all my aunts, uncles, parents, really everyone else turned to religion to escape that dark side of the family. It's kinda funny - almost like a generational AA approach without actually being a part of any program. But yeah, coming from a long line of overachievers is tough. Both of my brothers, and all of my cousins on my mom's side, are very accomplished in life - way more than I could ever dream of being. And of course, being the only alcoholic amongst them, the only one who's ever been arrested, the only one who's ever been divorced, etc. etc., only intensifies my feelings of failure. I try to remember that we all have our own life journey and we're all unique individuals and blah, blah, blah, but I often compare myself to them and feel like a total loser.

Anyway, I better cut myself off before I end up taking an entire page of my thread for this one post! But I didn't drink today, barely had any cravings, which is nice, and I went up to 180 mg again. At least with the extra bac I already have I can start to increase the dose now while I work on figuring out what I need, ordering, then waiting an ungodly amount of time for the package to arrive (you guys say it takes around three weeks? Why?!). Well, I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Lostinspace]

UPDATE: While mulling all this stuff over in my head, and worrying about how to approach my husband, the tension built so much that I just went and blabbed it all to him - that I still sometimes have cravings, that I've been drinking, that I'm planning on taking more bac to rectify the situation. He seemed both hurt and upset with me at first, and I was really regretting bringing it up. But we talked it out, and in the end, he's at least happy that I finally decided to be honest with him.

He still thinks I'm "playing doctor" and doesn't agree with me ordering bac online. But I've assured him that high dose bac is completely safe, that I'm doing what I think is best, and that there's no reason not to at least try it. He's down in the basement now, working on one of his models while he processes the whole discussion. But hopefully he'll come up for dinner soon and we can just move on.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

hahahaha! YAY! But dammit, I'd planned this whole post, and even have it saved because I ran out of time and couldn't post it.

Well, I doubt it will be as simple as "he'll come up for dinner and we'll move on." But if it isn't, don't despair. Just think that good relationships are built on open and honest communication. Wouldn't you want him to trust you with something so important? Even if you were gonna be seriously upset?

Maybe I'm wrong. Hope so. But either way, I'm super happy for you. And proud of you, though I don't mean to condescend. That stuff is h-a-r-d. Rock on.

[StuckInCA]

Good for you, Lis. Maybe you're nervous or upset about the 'just blabbing it all out,' but at least it is out there now. That's gotta hopefully be some weight off your shoulders. Ordering online is no big deal - click, click, it arrives a couple weeks later. No worries.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Back in the nursing program this morning! I'm nervous and very excited. A whole new group of people...eek. And the work!

Sorry if I made light, LIS.

Stuck is right about ordering. It isn't a big deal. I use River (especially now that they're sponsoring this site again) and you have to call the 800 number to finish the order. That was weird at first, but is now "normal". The rest of your plan--going up to 180 and sticking there for a while--sounds good, too.

Hope it's a good day for all of us.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks Ne and Stuck. And I hope your first day back went well, Ne! New groups can be a good thing. See how it goes.

I guess it is good to have it out in the open and be honest with him. If it were the other way around, I would want him to be honest with me. He's still upset that I hid this all from him for so long, but he did tell me late last night that he sees this as a positive step forward because in the past, I would outright lie to his face when he asked me if I had been drinking (when I obviously had been). This time I told him what was going on without him even feeling the need to ask.

And sorry for making you waste a post you started, Ne. I've had that happen a few times before where I'll save a long response in Notes (on my iPhone) because I don't have time to finish my thought. Then I'll log on later, see another post from that same person and realize "well sh*t! My response is no longer relevant."

On another note, I'm pretty disappointed in myself because, after saying yesterday that I would definitely do some AF time, unlike the last time I bumped up to 180 mg, I drank once again. Wtf self? I can't say I was having real cravings; it was more that I just wanted to dial myself down after an especially tough day at work. I need to break this habit again, dammit! I got out of the habit, now I'm back into it. Sigh.

Also, I'm feeling a little paranoid at the moment. Shortly after I explained the whole bac prescription thing to my husband way back when, I also told him that I was part of an online forum for other alcoholics that are also taking bac - I've also mentioned it since then, and how helpful if has been to me. I'm now terrified that he's going to search for, find, and read my thread. I know I haven't said anything personally identifiable, in the sense that anyone who doesn't know me would not be able to use the information given to figure out who I am. But someone who already does know me?!! And especially him?!! He would know in a heartbeat that this is me.

Ugh!! I'm going to go take some deep breaths (because I can't smoke - f*ck!!) and try to forget about all this. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[StuckInCA]

The PARANOIA. Oh man, I think we've all been there. Try not to worry about it, yeah? MWO is pretty easy to find on google, but think about how much work it would be to come in cold and read around enough to piece together maybe a picture of someone you might possibly know in real life. That's more time than I'd care to spend on anything and it sounds like your husband is a busy guy with work, so probably don't worry too much about it. And you've come 'clean' about drinking anyway.

I... Eh don't have anything to contribute today. Drinking continues, and well I guess everything else continues too. Got into a funk the last week or so. Need to get back to being on top of deadlines and writing and having a purpose in life. Have a good one everybody.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oh, man. I totally get the paranoia. But unless your husband is particularly computer savvy, and very specifically familiar with online chat rooms, the chances are really small. Plus, I've invited people (including my husband) to come here and read. Not one person has done it. Out of more than a dozen! It's weird, but true.

I look at the lying about drinking thing in this way: I lied because I had no choice. I was going to keep drinking. I didn't have a choice about that. The people around me were confused and angry about what they perceived as a choice. (That I chose to drink despite the fact that it hurt them.) The risk was too great if I told them, and they would have been more hurt and angry had they known.

Once I actually started to get better, I should have come completely clean about everything. The single biggest mistake I made, related to relationships, is that I didn't tell my family the truth. I went to my last rehab in 2005. I drank within a month of getting out. I was secretly drinking regularly within 3 months. Despite the fact that I was living with relatives and going to AA daily! My family thought I was abstinent for the next five years. In those five years, I never had more than five consecutive days sober, always forced, always because I was with family.

There is so much that they still don't understand, and you would be surprised how often it affects my life (and theirs!). Sometimes it's a simple thing--I used to be very eager to leave at the end of a family vacation. Now I can hang out, and am often reluctant to leave. Sometimes it's way more complicated and affects our ability to communicate and trust, even now. That lie of omission has done way more harm than good. I can't emphasize that enough, LIS. (Not that they needed [or he needs] the details!)

So that's why I'm really glad you told. And I hope that you guys will keep talking about it, because he will start to understand more why you didn't tell him in the moment. And you can start to forgive yourself.

As for the drinking, I think maybe you should stop beating yourself up about it and become a little bit objective again. Anytime someone writes, "Why, why, WHY did I drink when I promised myself (and others) I wouldn't?" I figure the answer is pretty simple: We have a disease and the simple solution is booze. You may not be feeling like you're craving, but something is compelling you to drink even though you don't want to do it. That compulsion is...brain chemistry. Call it whatever you want, but that's what is at the bottom of it.

Maybe if you can see that, you can stop feeling so badly about it. Feeling badly about it makes the compulsion worse. It's a cycle. Taking an objective look at it will make you see it for what it is...A bump in the road to recovery. Doesn't mean you can ignore it, but it does mean that you will process it and move on.

Stuck, sorry about the funk! Is it related to the fact that you turned in your stuff and have to gear up for the next deadlines? Or is it just...one of those things? How's the gf's job?

I had a really good first day of class. It was honestly amazing to have all these connections going on in my mind about stuff I've learned and hadn't thought much about in 6 months.

Puppy's got a squeaky toy, which means it's time to start my day and take her on a walk before she drives us nuts.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Holy hell. Sorry about the wall of words. Tomorrow I'm not typing more than one paragraph.

[bkyogagurl]

Thank You! For your wall of words they are very important to me. Especially right now.

I haven't felt like I have anything to contribute either... It's like I have writers block.
I read each and everyday tho..

Lost- ya know I used to worry about my husband finding out or reading my posts & I have written some very negative posts about him... now I just don't care because I think it would be good for him to read my true, raw feelings... Maybe he would get to know me better..


Be back later with hopefully more words.

[StuckInCA]

I look forward to your book-length paragraph tomorrow, Ne.

It's for sure a little bit of a problem with having finished some things and turned them in, and now having to get back into the grind of some new (though not exactly *different*) things. Plus, these two applications that I have coming up due on Saturday are both at the University of Chicago, I really really super want one of them (I don't care which), and I know I'm facing at least 1,000 other applicants - that is not an exaggeration. Plus I finished, more or less, my third chapter and it's mid-semester and I have to gear up to work on the fourth chapter and I'm just having a hard time getting into it. Next week, for sure, after these deadlines. Then I also have to start thinking about the next deadlines coming up in December. This semester the hits just keep on comin'.

I've definitely been drinking too much. And it's not good. The mornings are shaky and the evenings are drunk, and the girl's annoyed and worried about it. We had a little bit of a talk last night but it's the kind of talk that doesn't really count since I was drunk. She's enjoying her job, I think, as much as anybody can like an office job. It's temp but everyone there loves her already - of course they do, she's such an extrovert. So we'll see if they keep her on after the holidays, and then of course we start thinking about the opportunities I have for next fall, if any.

Well, hope it's a good one out there, everybody!

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Stuck. You're right - my husband has way too many things to do to sit around and try to find me here. I'm sorry you've been in a funk recently. That's a lot of pressure to be up against so many applicants. Academia is really rough like that, unfortunately. I wish you the best of luck with it :fingers: Try not to get down on yourself about the drinking. It's hard to go without at any time, but especially when you're stressed out.

And talks with your girlfriend still count, even if you were in an altered state. Those talks are always difficult. I apologize; I don't have any enlightened advice to offer, but I feel your pain. I've had many of those talks (actually screaming arguments in my case. It sounds like your girlfriend is a little more diplomatic). But just take care of you, first and foremost, any way you can. You'll get there when you get there :hug:

Ne, don't ever apologize for writing a lot. I love your long posts. And thanks for saying what you did. That's a good way to view the dishonesty. I tend to flip flop back and forth between thinking I'm a terrible person, and completely minimizing it ("well, it's not like I'm having an affair, so what the hell does he need to know for?" kind of thing). I've also hidden it from my family, to the extent that the only time I've ever admitted that I've still been drinking is when I'm about to go into rehab - and even then, the only reason I tell them is because I don't want them to think that I'm ignoring their calls for a month!

And I guess you're right about the drinking/craving thing. I tend to only label it a craving when I'm crawling the walls. I'm just angry with myself because I haven't been having strong cravings, outside of a couple times, and yet I still do it. I feel so ungrateful because, a little over four months ago, I had life-threatening cravings. In the sense that, if I didn't supply my habit, I would've had seizures, DTs, etc. I managed, through a lot of willpower, to wean myself off the bottle so that I didn't have those problems, YET AGAIN! And now I whine about this?! I'm already worlds ahead of where I was. Why can't I stop drinking? Ahhhh!!! But yes, it's f*cked up brain chemistry. I'm gonna try to give myself a break, and just wait to see what happens.

bk - don't feel like you have to say something profound in order to hang out here. I never do - ha! I know I usually don't think I have anything good to say. And admittedly, I usually want to delete whatever it is I post, whether on my thread or on someone else's, but I usually keep it just because I figure too many people have already seen it. Anyway, come back and join us whenever

Well, I drank again. I won't say anything about it. I'm just gonna get over it and try again tomorrow. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Battery on computer is in reserve. Plug is too far away. Puppy is pandering.

How is that for short and sweet? pfffft to you StuckinLA.

Bacinabit for long winded replies with every thought that's ever entered my mind.