Here we go again

[StuckInCA]

Nah, there were just some things and I was in a mood yesterday. I did not drink. Nor did I exercise though, like I did Tuesday night. Oh well. Anyway, gotta be just a flyby from me today - lots to do. Have a good one, folks.

[bkyogagurl]

Hi All-

Mine is a fly by too. Been so busy getting ready for the little guys birthday party & been dealing with a large amount of anxiety. Been doing a ton of back reading on bac threads in my spare time.

Thanks for the hug Ne- I needed it.
:hug: back at cha.

Hi Lis!

[Lostinspace]

Thanks for the suggestions, Stuck and Ne. I'm gonna sit down this weekend and come up with a schedule for everything: when I'm going to increase in dose, when to order more from River, and when to pick up my regular prescription.

And you're completely right, Ne. We do have limited emotional resources, and it's best to limit our sources of stress as much as possible. I'm also an incessant worrier who internalizes everything, so I need to take that advice as well, and limit my sources of stress to only those that are needed. That was one part of that video lecture - when he was talking about an exaggerated response to stress in addicts (or something to that effect) - that really rang true for me.

Like just recently, I went from being happily (mostly) AF to having my current struggles not just because I quit smoking, but because that was also the point when things at work exploded. My workload went from being manageable to being so overwhelming, that I've been having panic attacks pretty much daily. And I now start many of my days by bursting into tears when my alarm goes off, because I just don't want to have to face another day. I think that extra stress played a role in the redevelopment of my cravings. And I need to protect myself by not adding unnecessary stresses as much as possible.

I can't remember the reason that lecturer gave for why some people respond to stress so much more strongly. I'm not sure if it's true or not, but it made me feel a lot better to hear that not all people experience the same stressors to the same degree, and that there are biological reasons for it. I so often feel like a defective human being for having such a hard time making it through daily life challenges that most people take in stride.

Hi bk. I'm sorry to hear that you're still dealing with a lot of anxiety. Are you still running? Does that help? I wish I had some good answers for you, but I'm going through the same thing and can't figure out how to stop it. Just hang in there and know that things will get better eventually :hug:

So I had another AF day. I don't have much else to say tonight because I got home really late and my brain is mush. I hope you all have a great night!

[StuckInCA]

Another day. Another AF day, so far. Exercise has been good more or less this week. Gym on Monday, 3.5 mile jog Tuesday, and the gym again today. The rower kicked my butt. And brought the hammer down on the children today in class. I hate being that guy and I got real anxious and not feeling good in class. Then have just been feeling off since, even after the gym.

I also basically forgot to eat today, so maybe I just need a nap or something. Meeting a friend for drinks later tonight. I think I am going to go for NA drinks. No promises to myself or others at this point though. Anyway I guess that's about it. Have a good night, all.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Does anyone here use google chrome? I just started using it and now I don't stay signed in on websites that I use daily. Very annoying.

I'm just annoyed. Have been for a couple of days.

I'm also feeling completely overwhelmed because I'm going to my parent's house this weekend to help prepare for the move. Then back for exam on Monday. Then back to the farm (that's what we call it) after the exam for the actual moving.

I don't want to get emotional about it, but yikes. It's a big change. I know I don't deal well with change. I really want to be zen about it, though, and I also know that I can absolutely make my mind up to be...okay. I get to decide how to feel about it. It helps to write that down. It is so good that they are selling it. A wise decision to get rid of it on many levels. And frankly, it will be nice to not be obligated to go there. It also helps to write that down.

The rest, too, is manageable, I suppose. I'm going to try that feeling on for the morning and see how it works out. Will let you know! ha.

I haven't exercised this week, either. Not once. It's not going to happen today, either. hmmm. Maybe I'll change my mind about that, too.

Bk, nice to hear from you. Sorry about the stress/anxiety. I'm also sorry it's almost impossible to read my thread. I meant to mention it and hope you've figured it out by now. I think a lot of the early stuff, the stuff that I deleted, was the most valuable. I was a hot mess and could not stop drinking. The side effects I experienced were awful, and it's evident that my titration was completely nuts. It's funny now, but man it freaks me out when people post on here that they are doing something similar. The transition from October to February was pretty profound, I think. I found myself. The whole me.

There's a lot to be learned from the more cohesive threads. I think it's probably a really good learning experience to read the ones that are train wrecks, too. I'm specifically thinking of two guys who posted about how baclofen ruined their lives. Notice how they took the medication, and when, and what else they were doing in their lives in order to manage their disease. I think the lesson is this: Baclofen (and any medication) can be devastating if it's not used wisely. It can, in rare instances, cause hypomania. It can also cause lots of other debilitating side effects. It is also the only known medication that can arrest the need to drink. This isn't arguable. It's fact. Which is not to say it's the only option one can use to get sober, even contentedly sober. It's simply the only medication that does what it does. It's unique. That's all I'm saying, people.

I should delete that last part, because I don't want to start a storm on your thread, Lis. I might later today. I usually evaluate what I've written when I'm in the shower and then amend as needed. On the other hand, it's quiet around here now. Maybe I can post and not worry about trolls and craziness ascending from on lo? We'll see.

That's all the meandering I've got this morning. Hope it's a good day and a nice weekend. Don't know when I'll post again, but I'll be reading. Keep me entertained, will you?

[spiritwolf333]

There's a lot to be learned from the more cohesive threads. I think it's probably a really good learning experience to read the ones that are train wrecks, too. I'm specifically thinking of two guys who posted about how baclofen ruined their lives. Notice how they took the medication, and when, and what else they were doing in their lives in order to manage their disease. I think the lesson is this: Baclofen (and any medication) can be devastating if it's not used wisely. It can, in rare instances, cause hypomania. It can also cause lots of other debilitating side effects. It is also the only known medication that can arrest the need to drink. This isn't arguable. It's fact. Which is not to say it's the only option one can use to get sober, even contentedly sober. It's simply the only medication that does what it does. It's unique. That's all I'm saying, people.

I should delete that last part, because I don't want to start a storm on your thread, Lis. I might later today. I usually evaluate what I've written when I'm in the shower and then amend as needed. On the other hand, it's quiet around here now. Maybe I can post and not worry about trolls and craziness ascending from on lo? We'll see.

Hi Ne -thank you for your opinion.
SW

[Lostinspace]

Just a quick fly-by post before I go out to celebrate. I heard back from the DMV today. My application was approved!!!!! I just have to go the local DMV, take a road test (possibly a permit test, too), buy a car, have it fitted with an ignition interlock, and I'm back on the road!!! The end is in sight! After 28 very long months of being carless in a small town with public transportation that leaves much to be desired, I'll finally be free again!

Oh, I also drank tonight for the first time in a week because, at the time, I was at my wits end with my job. But now - I checked the mail and I can't even think straight because I just got the best news in the world and I'm about to go out and celebrate. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

EDIT: Please don't judge me for breaking the AF November thing. My job has literally sucked the soul out of my body. I have panic attacks Every. Single. Afternoon. I've tried my best to outride the stress and the cravings, but it's just not working out at the moment. I will work on finding better ways than drinking.

[Lostinspace]

Sorry I just popped in to post last night without reading back. I was in an excited rush. Stuck, I need to get back on track with exercise like you. It's inspiring to me that you keep doing it, even with such a busy schedule. It's a great stress reliever, and I could have definitely used that this past week. And I'm sorry you had to feel like the bad guy in class. That's a very uncomfortable position to be in. I don't know the specifics of the situation, but I do know that sometimes you just have to get a little tough with college kids, or else they try to take advantage of you.

I was a TA for a biology class when I was an undergrad, and was responsible for grading the students' assignments and lab reports. You wouldn't believe some of the excuses students gave for why they got certain questions completely wrong, but felt that I should give them full credit anyway. Actually, you probably would believe it because this isn't your first time at the rodeo teaching classes. Just remember that they gave you wonderfully positive feedback at the beginning of the semester. I don't think any one instance of having to be the tough professor is going to change their overall opinion of you.

Ne - I hope you're having an ok weekend at your parents' house. Writing about your ambivalent feelings on the whole thing is a great idea. Change is hard, but it can also be a good thing with time. That house was a big part of your past, both as a safe space in times of struggle (giving you a place to hide and drink), and a place of other good memories, like getting married. And yes, you do get to decide how you feel about it by redirecting your thoughts, but there will probably be some pangs of sadness as well, as you say goodbye, and that's ok. It's all part of moving on.

So rather than go out to celebrate last night, my husband cooked for me at home. He might be a carpenter by trade, but my god does that man know his way around the kitchen - so good! Anyway, I'm moving on from last night and looking forward to starting on the rest of this month AF. I'll be back later. Hope it's a great day everyone!

[StuckInCA]

Well well, so where to begin? I'm in Big Bear, being led around a yard by a puppy on a leash. I broke the AF streak the other night at the bar when we were meeting a friend for drinks. Things were just off and I felt empty and the girl's affection was annoying to me and I didn't want to feel that way. But I got completely drunk and flailed around in my sleep and kept her up and she had to work the next day.

I started drinking then yesterday in the late afternoon, and we got in a bit of a fight, about drinking and limits and I left for the bar and got drunk again. I sent her a text message from the bar, and she came down and showed up next to me and that's the last thing I remember from last night.

This morning I woke up and she's perfectly fine. Happy, affectionate, excited to spend the rest of the weekend at our friend's cabin by the lake, dog sitting and relaxing. So I have no idea what happened last night. I won't go into specifics, but there were some clues when I woke up that we had sexy times. I don't want to let her know that I don't remember, for obvious reasons.

In the car on the way up here - and I do mean up, we're over 7,000 feet above sea level - I got super super anxious. I don't much care for high altitudes: I feel like I can't breathe. Plus the withdrawal. Not even a hangover really, but that shaky anxious crap. And simply moving through space freaks me out lately. Like the fact that I'm a body and need to physically go places. I don't know if any of you feel that way ever. It's weird. So here we are now. I just took 1/2 an Ativan, and hoping to just calm down a little and see how the rest of the weekend goes.

I wish I could relax and enjoy it here. It's peaceful and lovely. But honestly I only want to get back home. We head back Monday morning, and she has to go straight to work and I have to go straight to school. I'll be around to check in again I'm sure. Have a good Saturday everybody.

[bkyogagurl]

HAHAHAHA... Sorry Stuck but that first part made me laugh... As I have totally done that to my poor husband more than once.

Welp... ME THREE... TH nite the anxiety zapped my stomach and I nearly barfed.. Drank a few beers but didn't get anywhere close drunk. The beers didn't work probably because I didn't drink enough of them but ended up taking a Vistral & still slept shitty.. It sucked.

I can't write much now.. Having a big par-Tay for my youngest son with the inlaws coming. Blah.
I should be a completely wreck by the end of the party.
I was hoping for an AF Nite tonight like last night but I can feel the frustration building...

I thought of you yesterday NE- I heard you saying suck in up buttercup it's not that bad- I will explain later..

I gotta get my stuff done for this party.

Hi Lis- hope you are good. Will read more later.

Hugs.

PS.. I couldn't sit down for 5 fucking minutes to write to you guys without my middle son "accidentally" stepping on my lil guy's head on the trampoline..
I have had to edit 4 times. Sometimes I think you guys might be lucky not to have kids.

[spiritwolf333]

Edit: My post is/was not necessary. Sorry for the interruption.

SW

[Lostinspace]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time with drinking, Stuck. That's a weird situation, not remembering anything, but waking up and everything's just fine with the significant other. I've been there. It's amazing what blackout sex will do to reset people's feelings towards us. Ugh! I can relate to what you said about being anxious just because you're a "body and need to physically go places." It's a strange feeling. I always feel like my flesh is literally about to jump off of my bones. I don't know if that's what you're talking about. If you can manage it, just a little, try to forget about your day to day lives as much as possible until you get home. I know, much easier said than done. But go on a long walk through the wilderness, do things you don't normally do. Whatever you can. I hope you enjoy the rest of your trip :hug:

Hey bk - I'm so sorry for your ongoing anxiety. I can certainly relate. All I can say is to hold on. You've had better times in the past; you will once again. I hope your son's party goes well. I'm not sure what your relationship with the in-laws is like, but it probably only adds more pressure. I hope you guys have a good time. Let us know

Spirit - thank you for weighing in. I know I have to work to break the habit, in addition to taking medication. I'm trying. I really am. I've just been under more stress than I can handle recently. I'm almost at my breaking point and I'm just trying to survive at this point. A new job is on the horizon, as soon as I start driving again and can go wherever I might be needed. There IS an end in sight I'm not making excuses (at least I'm not trying to).

Even so, bac is still working wonders for me. I've gone from drinking a liter and a half of vodka and/or bourbon a day, down to two 200 ml bottles, on the days that I do drink. I'm just not indifferent quite yet. But based on my experience so far, I have high hopes that it can only get better. And I won't stop working on building better habits.

And please don't get mad at me for what I'm about to say, Ne. I increased to 225 mg today. I know I didn't hang out at 200 for very long. But I figured that after four days at that dose and a) having no side effects, and b) seeing that 200 mg still isn't enough for me, there was no harm in giving 225 mg a try. I could always go back down if it wasn't agreeing with me. I still plan on doing a steady, relatively slow titration until I hit my switch (probably going up by 25 mg every week or two, depending on how well I'm tolerating it). But the snail's pace of my titration up until now had to do with the fact that I had to wait for my monthly psychiatrist appointment to discuss going up again. Now that the power is in my hands, I can move a little faster.

Anyway, I unfortunately did drink again today. I think I was just shaking out all the stress from this past week, and asserting my right to not have to give a sh*t. Sigh. I really hate myself sometimes. I'll do better tomorrow. At least I got some exercise in today. I went out for a good hour long walk. Anyway, I hope you guys have a great night :hug:

[StuckInCA]

The rest of the day was much better. The ativan kicked in and leveled things out, and I had a fitful but nice nap this afternoon. High altitude, low oxygen, chain smoking is probably the answer, right? So we're sitting down to dinner now - the girl made a buffalo chicken chili recipe, and that's been in the crock pot all day. How flippin' country are we? A cabin by the lake, sitting on the porch, a crock pot going in the kitchen. Ha.

We finished dinner and I'm back. Drinking a couple of beers. Yeah, I know. I really like what you said, Lis, about asserting your right to not give a sh*t. That's a big thing, it feels like, and I can relate. Like, why do *I* need to care about everything all the time?

Sorry it sounds like everybody's going through a lot of anxiety lately. Hang in there, BK. Hope the party goes well.

[bkyogagurl]

Spirit without trying to be disrespectful.... If you are so bored with our thread please go elsewhere..

As for your comment about no one seems to have quit drinking... I guess you forgot Ne...

No shit Sherlock ... Chew your Nicorette and feel good about it but that is an addiction..
I will never for the life of me understand why people chastise others on threads when there are a million other thread more associative to what may be going on with poster...
Please find somewhere where you can talk about your slight nicotine craving and AF gazillion days... While we the little people are working on the crazy that got us here...
If we are still drinking... Guess what ... We are still drinking ...
OMG there are plenty of threads preaching the AF gospel.. If I was capable of that I would be there too...

Often it appears like one might be looking for fight...

I'm out..

I continue to read these posts -not much else seems to be going on. As I read them, it brings back memories of my addictions. Yes, I still ingest Nicotine -in the form of Nicorette gum. I am grateful that I no longer drink alcohol -what a huge pain in the arse that always was -but alcohol always helped with the anxiety.

What I know and have learned about medications for alcoholism is this; you can take all the medications available and reach certain levels where you can choose to drug on not drug, but if you don't force yourself to break the habit, then you will keep on with the habit -period. If you never reached a point in your life where your drug(s) of choice were at the point of taking your life, then you might not quite be ready to stop the 'habit'. Unfortunately, this is just the way that it is with mental illnesses such as AUD. By continuing to post your 'honest' responses in regards to drinking -for whatever reason, you help the rest of us to learn.

It certainly appears that very few that post on this thread have actually quit drinking alcohol, despite taking medications. But again, this only helps others to know that there is more involved in quitting than just taking some pills. I thank each of you for sharing your details in your journeys to be free from alcohol/nicotine.

SW

[spiritwolf333]

Spirit without trying to be disrespectful.... If you are so bored with our thread please go elsewhere..

As for your comment about no one seems to have quit drinking... I guess you forgot Ne...

No shit Sherlock ... Chew your Nicorette and feel good about it but that is an addiction..
I will never for the life of me understand why people chastise others on threads when there are a million other thread more associative to what may be going on with poster...
Please find somewhere where you can talk about your slight nicotine craving and AF gazillion days... While we the little people are working on the crazy that got us here...
If we are still drinking... Guess what ... We are still drinking ...
OMG there are plenty of threads preaching the AF gospel.. If I was capable of that I would be there too...

Often it appears like one might be looking for fight...

I'm out..

BKY -I apologize for the post and I have removed my original post. I thought that I was trying to be helpful -but obviously I was wrong. And bky, after seeing another post that you made to someone else, I have decided that I might need to pause posting on any thread that you post on: Here is your post on the other thread at about the same time you posted regarding my post (I am glad that you took it easier on me -lol):

"Hey sunflower- I see you just joined and I think your a fucking troll...
So fuck off... Don't worry I won't address you again so post away with you trivial childish shit..
Just wanted you to to know.... That you don't matter.... Fuck you
If you are so wise and ready to quit giving advice get the fuck outta here....
Are you sober cause you sure don't act like it..."