Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hiya y'all. Cramming for an exam in the morning and shouldn't be here, now.

Hang in there. :hug:

Back in a couple of days. xxoo

[Blownaway]

"OMG there are plenty of threads preaching the AF gospel.. If I was capable of that I would be there too... "

BK girl, this statement is so true, so much that it is hard to be here. There are places here that impart more damage than AA ever could, imho. I think wolf dude meant well.... but he needs to ..... well, never mind. Not sure why Sunflower dumped on Bri , Sunflower is not a troll but is a regular on the AF daily thread. Holier than thou people just need to lay off and quit trying to insist that IT can be done by doing this, this and this.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I'm happy to hear that things calmed down for you and that you can start to enjoy the trip. Sitting on the porch of a cabin by a lake sounds lovely.

bk - when you say "I'm out," I really hope you don't mean that you're not going to post anymore. There's no requirement to be AF here. We're all in this together, many of us still struggling with drinking, and all of us here to support each other. Check your mailbox; I sent you a PM.

Ne - I hope your exam goes well!

Not much else to say tonight. I didn't drink today, so that's good, but I also didn't get any exercise. In fact, besides grocery shopping, I haven't set foot outside this house all day. I'm just trying to recharge as much as possible before starting another crazy week. I hope you're all having a great night :hug:

[StuckInCA]

Oh man, I would love for things to be drama-free here. And I know all of you would like that, too. First things first, let's try to keep the General Discussion type stuff out of here. The meds threads are our own place, and yes, many if not most here are drinking. Maybe not alcoholically, and maybe not to the degree we used to, but drinking nonetheless. That's not the case in General.

Second, Spirit only seems like he's trying to pick a fight. He just wants to beat the drum of 'meds are not the only answer.' It can feel like an attack, but it probably isn't.

Hope you're doing well BK. We heart you.

[bkyogagurl]

Hey guys... Just wanted to let you know I am fine.. I just got perturbed.

It was nice of Spirit to post only my "post" not reference the whole thread and the person I was addressing who wrote a snide comment.. I have been PMing with the person who was insulted & I was sticking up for her.. It was not very lady like of me but it was authentically spoken.. Out of respect for my true friends here I edited my post and took the cuss words out. It is classless to express thoughts that way..
But it gets the point across..

Anyway.. I don't really care and I have put Spirit on my ignore list so I don't have to see his posts. Done.
Drama on the threads is not something I need.

I had an awesome weekend guys... After thinking and stressing over the party.. It turned out perfect and everyone had a good time. I did drink but did not get drunk. I was excited to get on here to tell you guys last night only to finds crummy posts from people...
But....
I woke up this morn with a smile in my heart.

I am really tired so I will be in touch tomorrow..

LIS- thanks so much for your pm will get back to you soon.

Stuck- thanks for being a voice of reason.

I heart you guys.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

You don't know how glad I am to see your post, bk. I want you to know that I didn't see those posts until after I'd posted. I came back to actually read through the thread and catch up and was pretty shocked. Then I was fuming mad. And I definitely don't want to bring that here. I'll take it offline.

Glad you had a successful party in more ways than one. Whew, so relieved that you posted.

Back to the books for me. Do you think several hours of cramming will successfully make up for 2 weeks worth of not studying? Me neither. :/

The rest of youse...Hope it's a good start on this too early Monday morning. Super hugs.

[StuckInCA]

Hey everybody. I hope that all blew over? Posts have been taken down and I have no idea what was going on. Looks like everybody survived, at least.

So instead of going in straight to class I got dropped off at home. Decided to take the morning off, but still cleaned up around the house and cleaned out the rabbit cage and did dishes so the girl won't have to worry about that when she gets home. I wanted to do something a little nice since she went right to work. We were on the road by 6 this morning to get back to LA. Ugh.

I think I had a nice weekend? It's so difficult to assess my own experience these days. I felt like I couldn't breathe most of the time up there, and can't tell if that's altitude or anxiety. I drank both nights and got pretty drunk but not blackout drunk. Had quite a bit of sex, and things seemed to go well. But the anxiety and feeling off and out of place and everything is getting super annoying. It makes fun things not fun - this *should* have been a *great* weekend, ya' know? Get out of town for a couple days, relax by a lake. I built a fire in the fireplace last night, and we just kind of chilled. And I actually really like traveling, but getting outside my routine even the slightest bit lately is really stressful for me. Sucks.

Maybe it's the booze. Probably it's the booze. But also the f**king future. I'm sick of not knowing what the h*ll is going to happen next year. And I need to get back to dissertation writing. And that's not the writing I want to be doing. Screw it. OK, that's it from me this morning. I gotta get out and get to school for conferences later today. Peace out, have a good one, peeps.

[Lostinspace]

bk - I'm so happy to see you here, still posting And that's awesome that the party went really well. It's always satisfying when you put a lot of effort into something and it goes off without a hitch. Sounds like it was a great weekend all around.

Ne - I hope your exam went well today. Fingers crossed.

Stuck - I'm sorry your weekend getaway wasn't more relaxing than it was. Maybe it's not that you have a hard time assessing your own experiences these days so much as you just feel bad for not having what you think is the "right" response. I know what that's like. When your life is unduly stressful and everything about your future is up in the air, it's really difficult to relax into things that are supposed to be fun - especially when you always have that damn mental to-do list in the back of your head of all the things you have to attend to as soon as you get back (or that you feel you really should be working on right now). Hang in there, my friend. As agonizing as the uncertainty is, it will all be worked out not too long from now :hug:

So I had another AF day, though I'm not sure it really counts, because I had little choice in the matter. My husband picked me up early from work, so that he could take me to the DMV to take my permit test. Then he dropped me off at home straight afterwards before going back to work himself. There was no real chance to stop at the liquor store.

Although after typing that, it makes me ridiculously happy to realize how very different my mindset is now, after nearly five months on bac. Five months ago, there's no way in hell I would ever have let myself get caught in a position where having enough booze was not an option. I would have stocked up days ago just to make sure. My cravings these days couldn't hold a candle to the hellishly strong cravings I had back then. So on second thought, today does count.

Anyway, I passed my permit test. On Thursday evening, I'll be taking the five hour pre-licensing class (and have to be in class until 10pm, only to have to leave for work at 6am the following morning - ugh!!). I asked the woman at the DMV what kind of waiting list there is for the road test right now, and she told me that if I take the required class this Thursday, I can expect a road test somewhere around the end of December or early January. So probably no more than two months to go

Ok, I'm rambling big time right now, so I'll stop. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Morning, everybody.

I'm back at my parents' house to help them get ready to move. Things are really kerfuffled here. It's hard not to freak out a little bit about the situation. Unfortunately, I don't think this is a just-waking-up-panic-attack. Things are really out of whack. Send some good thoughts my way, will you? I need 'em.

I don't want to reawaken the drama, but that last post from was really mean spirited.It bums me out.

LIS, CONGRATULATIONS! Sorry that it's belated. I'm so very excited for you. WOOOHOOOOO! And great that you didn't drink, but even better that you gave yourself credit for not drinking. If you hadn't, this response would have been very different. haha. It is so damn important to realize what you did--there was a time that nothing and no-one would have kept you from drinking.

Also, about that titration. Keep in mind the progress you've made, without side effects, using a perfectly reasonable titration schedule. (Conservative only by the standards of the the self-medicating here.)

Stuck, it would be really hard for me to relax, at all, if I had as much going on as you do. And getting out of a routine, especially when I feel like the routine is the only thing that's going to alleviate the stress, is stressful.

I've got to go deal with this day. Hugs, peeps. Please post, bk.

EDIT: Turns out it was middle-of-the-night-angst. Completely wrong. And I spent hours obsessing about it. Very distressing.

[StuckInCA]

I sure am sending some hugs and positive vibes your way, Ne.

I woke up with full-blown night terrors last night. That sucked. Yesterday was anxious-ridden and panicky. After student conferences the girl texted to offer me a ride home, since we were both getting done around the same time. She suggested we have a couple martinis at the club at the university, where we'd met that one friend that one time. Sure, why not. 2 martinis. Didn't feel anything - you guys ever get this, when you have a couple drinks and it doesn't feel like anything and the fact that it's not affecting you at all increases anxiety? Yeah, well I get that. So getting home I opened a beer but didn't really feel like drinking it, and we're just sitting around, and I felt some panic coming on so I got changed poured the beer out and went for a jog. Short. And slow. But some exercise nonetheless.

Got back and got out of the shower and the girl gave me a very nice shoulder massage. Went to sleep ok but woke up just f**king terrified in the middle of the night. Managed it by waiting it out, and going outside for a smoke, and was able to sleep through the rest of the night. Today's kind of a non-event so far. Really need to get my act in gear. So that's what I'm off to do now.

Thinking of you, BK. And super excited about your license, Lis. And the not drinking. Keep on rocking on, sister.

[DizzyBee]

Stuck, I think I feel like you when I stop drinking. After 2 weeks I'm ok but otherwise I get terrible nightmares and I remember ALL of it when I wake up at 3 or 6 or 9...

My CBT therapist said to have things close to me to remind me that the night terrors aren't real. Now I have a hot water bottle and some nice relaxing essential oils by the bed. When I can't remember where I am now I hug the hot water bottle cuddly toy (not unlike Eeyor) and smell the scent and go 'there's no place but home'.

It may sound childish, but considering I dream of swimming in canals with corpses and ice cubes, I much prefer it when I wake up.

Hugs. X

[DizzyBee]

Hi everyone else.

Sorry, I'm typing on a stupid ipad as my laptop is on the blink.

So, Ne, you also have mid night angst? It's the worst. I've even had sweats in the last month, it really sucks. Hot one moment and freezing the next.

Good wishes to all, bed time here.

X

[Lostinspace]

I'm sending many warm and positive thoughts your way, Ne. It may be more than just middle-of-the-night angst. It's natural to feel out of whack when preparing to say goodbye to a place that was your safe spot, and full of many other good memories. It's part of the grieving process - and yes, it is grieving. We can grieve the loss of places and things, just as we do people. I imagine being under stress from school only compounds your uneasiness, since it gives a sense of not having enough time to give a proper goodbye, or to even process what all you're feeling about it. :hug: for you.

And thanks for the positive vibes in return. It feels reeeeally good to be getting my life back on track, in more ways than one. Also, I will try my absolute best to be cautious not to titrate up too quickly. It's kinda hard now that the power to increase is in my hands, not my doctor's. But I have to keep reminding myself of why this has been such a smooth ride for me, and to make sure that it continues to be so.

Stuck - I'm sorry you're having such a rough time, too, anxiety- and panic-wise. I'm painfully familiar with living day-to-day with that kind of awfulness. All I can do is send a big :hug: your way. And yeah, having a few drinks, and expecting some relief, yet not getting it, can definitely dial up the anxiety. That's great that you got out for a jog. Short, slow, whatever, it doesn't matter. Every little bit of exercise helps.

Hi Dizzy! Welcome. I've seen you buzzing (pun intended) around on another thread. Thank you for the tips. It's good to see you here.

I don't have much to say. I did not stay AF tonight.
I'll try better tomorrow. Just another day I hope you're all well :hug:

[bkyogagurl]

Been busy day.. But wanted to say hi and let you all know I'm thinking of you.:heartbeat:

Ne-:hug: and one more :hug:

[StuckInCA]

God, I am such a worthless waste of space. Beyond that, actually. Worthless would at least be neutral, but I feel like I'm actually a negative force in the world at this point. I said the weekend was good, that the girl and I had a good time and got along and had the sexy times each night and things were great, right? But I was drunk. And I remember in the middle of the night before we fell asleep that she said she loved me. A couple times she said that. We don't really use the L word too much, and I think she doesn't say it much because I hardly if ever say it at all. But there she was, in my arms, earnestly telling this drunk version of me that she loves me.

So guess what. I got drunk last night. We had agreed to go to a poetry reading where a friend of mine from school was reading. I didn't want to go - not because I don't like my friend or her poetry, she's really good. But I've been to a million of her readings and I'm kinda done with this friend's writing because she has never taken my writing seriously. Anyway, that was a terrible sentence and I'm sure nobody will be able to trace the logic of why I'm kinda over this friend, but whatever. I'd been to readings at the bookstore in our neighborhood before, and it's f**king amateur hour. I had zero desire to sit through all this bullsh*t just to hear my friend read some poems that I've already heard her read already a dozen times. But we went, and I sat through it, and it sucked. It was like being assaulted by waves of pretentious bad writing. Then we all went for drinks.

You've been anxious in the past, right? And had to go out in a big group of like 8 people whom you only know a few of them, into a restaurant crowded with hipsters? After an insufferable poetry reading where all you wanted to do was run away? Yeah, and I'm sure the only thing on earth you wanted at that point was a drink, and I feel your pain, because at that point all I wanted was a drink, too. The anxiety, man, it feels like you're not even there where you're sitting, and so I had 3 beers. That's not too bad.

We got home and put some TV on the Netflix, and I was going to drink more so I asked if she wanted me to get her a glass of wine or anything. She said she was out of wine. So I asked if she wanted to split a beer. This is big - keep in mind I had one 24oz can of beer and one 200ml bottle of bourbon. That's it in the house. So I poured the beer into 2 glasses and we drank that while watching TV. And I was taking nips out of the bottle of bourbon, and even sharing that with her. She'd just reach over and grab the bottle and take a little swig whenever she wanted, and I didn't stab her or get mad at her over it or anything. Then sexy times.

And this morning I am skipping the class I'm supposed to be in, right now actually. And I have to meet students all afternoon, and I am going to be vaguely drunk because I'm drinking a little bit again already because I'm out of ativan. Completely out. So it's one of those maintenance days that I hate because I don't handle them very well. But I've got the students this afternoon then another reading-thing at the main LA library tonight that I'm going to because it's about Wonder Woman and the girl wants to go, so I have to head up to the downtown library right after the afternoon student conferences.

This has been so much rambling crap. Sorry. I got it all written out and now that it's out I feel better about it all, and I'm ready to hit delete, but I guess I'll just go ahead and post this sh*t anyway.

Guess I'm on a bender. Have a good one, guys. :l:l:l