Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I was going to post this on my own thread, but it's now relevant.

A little over a week ago I went to urgent care to get some meds for back pain. I also went because I have chest pain. Left side. Comes and goes. Occasionally radiates up neck and left arm tingly. We all know that can only mean one thing...I'm gonna die! Soon!!!

My blood pressure is crazy low, naturally. All other risk factors added up and I'm still at -1% chance of having serious heart issues. I know this. But the pain remains. So I went again on Sunday. Same doc. Same nurse. The outcome is the same. Textbook-perfect EKG and numbers.

He prescribed prilosec for indigestion and an SSRI for anxiety. ha. hahahahaha. (Very annoying that, in all the years [7+] I've been dealing with this, no one has suggested it might be indigestion. Even more annoying that as an almost-nurse, I didn't know that fact. Embarrassing, too.)

I suspect the culprit is muscular and related to stress. (duh) Another reason to exercise.

Lis, your post made my heart ache a little bit. I'm sorry about that damn thing. Good news is that it's just a learning curve and it won't take long before you're a master. Another good thing is that it will eventually come off. Please remember that you are in the process of leaving this all behind. There is freedom at the end of the road, and then you get to make the decisions.

Which is something that we should all remember. Ya' know? New sobriety is it's own reward. It's easy to get complacent. I was anything but complacent for a long time after I got free. And you know what? Life was my bitch. (God. What a terrible thing to say. That's not it at all.) Life was...open. Wide fucking open. And you know what else? I am still living the results of those decisions and actions and it's damn good.

I can't stand other people either. But only when I'm in a certain frame of mind. I am trying to actively listen. Which I don't have time for and don't really care about. But I think I do that here quite often and it pays off. People don't really give a shit what I think. They care that I think about what they think. I tried it at the takeout restaurant the other night. Cashier made polite conversation. I listened. And tried not to be annoyed because I was starving, he was boring and I couldn't just pay and dash. Where's the damn laughing emoti? :H

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Also, Dun, I initially thought you were a guy, too. Tom-foolery. Figured it out a post or two ago.

And your post made me grin. I HATE bras. If/when we have the money, and I'm still this weight and frame of mind, I swear I want a boob job to reduce my reasonably-sized breasts. Bras suck that bad.

[StuckInCA]

That is one of the worst parts, ya know? Feeling like I can't breathe, or feeling like I have left-side or even chest pain. I KNOW it's not the real thing. I've seen people who can't breathe, I've watched them die of it. I've seen people dying of heart attacks. I know what it looks like. And it's not me. Yet in that moment of anxiety, nothing I know is of any help.

Today is rainy and grey and I love it. Not to say I'm getting any work done. I'm playing video games. And I'm so thankful that I haven't been following other threads. I've read a tiny bit, enough to know there's some serious drama brewing, and I'm sure I'll wade into the fray at some point. But Jesus H, why. Oh the BS is never ending.

[StuckInCA]

NEGATIVE, Ne. FALSE. I agree that bras kinda suck, but bigger is always better. fake D cups all around, for everyone. And hey, the fake ones don't need a bra anyway.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

But it's a thing to get big boobs around here (near the beach) and in your part of the world. I do NOT want to be one of those chicks. eek. Ed might like it, though. It's actually much more likely that I'll just start wearing sports bras everywhere. Scrubs are great for that kind of thing.

I would not normally post this kind of thing here, but it was the first thing I saw after I left here and it's relevant.

http://i.imgur.com/xWzjHUQ.jpg

EDIT: Even if it is lame. It's less lame than a lot of that crap I was attached to when I was reading self-help books on the couch while Oprah was on. Can I get a chorus of Amens?

[Lostinspace]

Yeah Ne, exercise is definitely one of the best ways to help both the blah’s and anxiety. I can’t wait to get my license so that I can join a gym. I just can’t tolerate the cold weather for my walks anymore. I’m miserable the whole time whenever I try (which is not for very long). Plus, I’d love to be able to do a little more hardcore exercise than just walking anyway.

You were up to 13 miles kronk? That’s very impressive. I’m sorry to hear about your injury. Is it something that will keep you out of commission for a while or will you be able to resume running again soon?

And thanks so much for the pep talk, Ne. I am in the process of leaving all this crap behind. All of my legal consequences will be over December 2015, and I can put it to bed forever. As for the bra conversation, I know I’m probably in the minority here, but really? You’d rather have them swinging freely, sweating underneath, and generally being unmanageable (and somewhat painful) when you try to jump up and down, for whatever reason? Sorry, that's just how I feel. (walks off with head held down).

dun - I’m really glad you came out of hiding to join us I’m also pretty leery of posting here at times because of the kind of crap that went down the last couple days (and I get paranoid sometimes for a whole bunch of other reasons, but that’s besides the point). I lurked here for about a year (maybe longer actually, I don’t really remember) before making my first post. I too felt like I had gotten to know people who had never heard from me before, but I just couldn’t make myself be part of the action.

I can’t tolerate antidepressants either, although for different reasons from you. I don’t doubt that you had side effects. They certainly don’t agree with everyone. For some people, they’re absolute miracle drugs. But for me, they always made my anxiety skyrocket. I know they help many people with anxiety, but for me, they actually generate anxiety.

Anyway, I get you about the drinking. I don’t get a high from it anymore either, now that I’m on a sufficient dose of bac. I’m not even sure why it is that I still do it here and there. It’s not everyday anymore, but when I do drink, I keep hoping to recapture some kind of high. It usually doesn’t happen. That’s a good thing. Hopefully I’ll learn one of these days that drinking does not equal reward, and I can just move on from there.

And that’s a sweet sentiment to say “hi” to lo0p each morning when you take your liquid bac. I never got to know him myself because I was too busy lurking, and not posting, to ever have contact with him. I regret that. And no, I haven’t heard from sam and katherine since shortly after the site change. It seems we lost a lot of members during that transition, or shortly thereafter. I hope she’s doing alright.

I’ve been practicing a little just in my driveway to get used to the intoxalock the last couple days. I wish I could practice for a while in a parking lot, or some back road somewhere, but I still need my husband to come with me, and he doesn’t want to go very far - even though he admits my skills are rusty after so long of not driving. Forget about the intoxalock, which is a pain in the ass all by itself, I suck as a driver!! I hate to admit it, but it’s true.

You’re so right, Stuck. It would really help to get away on my own (without him as a distraction, no time limits involved, etc.) to just practice a while, but I’m so paranoid about getting pulled over with just a permit. Hopefully this weekend, he’ll be willing to take me out for a good long while.

And yay, free pizza! I hope the film screening was good enough to make it worth it. There’s no reason to feel bad about having a late night/late start to the day if you weren’t disturbing your girlfriend. You two are just on different schedules. But I kinda get feeling bad. I hate when my husband and I miss each other in the morning. It feels strangely lonely, like something’s askew in the relationship, when really everything’s just fine.

Oh, I forgot to mention last night, I went up to 275 mg yesterday. I’ve had no problems so far, though you guys may be right that at least some of my recent anxiety and paranoia is attributable to the increase. Eh, who knows? Anyway, I drank tonight, on day two of 275 mg. I’m getting pretty worried. I know that doses way higher than mine are safe, but they’re not AFFORDABLE! What am I supposed to do if I’m one of those people who reaches indifference at 400 mg? Well, I hope you all have a great night :hug:

EDIT: sorry for the extra long post

[spiritwolf333]

Oh, I forgot to mention last night, I went up to 275 mg yesterday. I’ve had no problems so far, though you guys may be right that at least some of my recent anxiety and paranoia is attributable to the increase. Eh, who knows? Anyway, I drank tonight, on day two of 275 mg. I’m getting pretty worried. I know that doses way higher than mine are safe, but they’re not AFFORDABLE! What am I supposed to do if I’m one of those people who reaches indifference at 400 mg? Well, I hope you all have a great night :hug:

stop drinking. But your supposed friends won't tell you this. -they need you to stay where you are.

lost -you will not stop drinking until you decide that you want to at least try to feel and and think and act in ways totally different from your current mindset. You can take medications until you are blue in the face, but until you decide to change it is just going to be the the same old stuff -same ole posts -same ole blaming of others. Lost -you are one of those that do have the power to change -if only you will let you.

EDIT: And Lost, having read your many posts, recent and past, now is the time for you to seek real medical help. NE means well, as you know, but he/she is not your answer. Please do not wait until it is too late -get some real help. Start with a medical doctor and even try an AA meeting. Stop looking for a pat on the back and start looking for an answer to save your arse. If you need to call NE first, ok; but just remember it is you that is on the line -no one else. Get some real help.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Ohmygod. I heard so much of that crap when I was titrating up. It makes me breath hard. The worst was Sunnyvalenting. You can search it out if you want...

Guess who is still sober after 3 and a half years? Guess who isn't.

Just sayin'

Keep doing what you're doing, Lis.
Butt out, Spirit. Until you tell your story, take a walk. Your bullying is not needed here. Try AA or any of the threads in the rest of the forum.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I swear to all I hold dear...

So here's the story.
Sunnyvalenting responded to one of my very first posts about baclofen. She insinuated that my experience was because I had something (else) really wrong with me, and not because I was having really bad side effects. It shut me down for at least a couple of months. I was terrified to post, and terrified that I was really fucked up crazy in a way I couldn't identify. Keep in mind I was still drinking heavily. I was a year away from actually getting sober!

You can see in the very beginning of my thread (somewhere) that she posted that I should just quit drinking. It was all in my head, and that I just needed to make a decision. If I was "serious" then I would actually make the decision. She also had a really bad habit of determining whether people were alcoholic enough to qualify. Man, just thinking about it makes me really angry. I'm deleting all my swear words so it doesn't offend the teetotalers. Fuck that, too.

About a year ago? Maybe a little more, she stopped by the forum. We exchanged a couple of PMs, and I can't share that information. But let me tell you something...

I'm still contentedly sober.

Thank all that matters for Lo0p, and some others, who despite everything that has happened since, kept me on the path to reclaim my life. My Life. I don't care how you guys get here. I just want you to get here.

If someone isn't willing to share the example of what worked, if that person is the first to judge, and the last to be judged, then it's only fair and reasonable to disregard EVERYTHING the person writes. What's to emulate? What's to learn? Not a damn thing.

Spirit, tell your story walkin'. I, personally, find your input damaging rather than encouraging. And God knows, it is very rarely enlightening. Back. Off.

[spiritwolf333]

'
Keep doing what you're doing, Lis.
Butt out, Spirit. Until you tell your story, take a walk. Your bullying is not needed here. Try AA or any of the threads in the rest of the forum.

NE -Enough. You are now potentially hurting people. If you are sober and willing, tell others the truth. Stop the foolishness of trying to get approval and acceptance. Speak the truth -just like you did with stuck. If you want to discuss your personal travels, please move them to a different section of the forum -why the Medications Research section?

ne - you are probably one of the few in a position to help lost. Please do so. Belittle and pound me, but help lost. And then NE, get some real outside help for yourself.

[spiritwolf333]

General Discussion called. They want you back on the Army thread, Spirit. Go post there.

Stuck, have another drink and call me in the morning. Wait, don't call me, I will wait to read another Stuck post.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oh, man. I came back on to delete my post because an angry confrontation is exactly what Spirit has been looking for with all of these posts.



Unfortunately, I was too late. The cool thing is, I'm not angry anymore. Certainly not in any personal way.



Let it go.

(I don't have kids, so that doesn't resonate with the Disney flick. I just wanted to point that fact out. ha.)

[dundrinkn]

Hey Lis. I was never able to drink "over" a high dose (get that high feeling), so I think you are on the right track with testing your dose drinking and not drinking. A new dose may take a while to take effect. I've read that a lot of people go up and don't realize they hit their dose previously. So just keep checking in with drinking days and not drinking days. I do not believe, nor has it been my experience, that it is "best" to not drink if you are not ready to not drink. I white knuckled it this time because I know that 80mg is my maintenance dose, and didn't want to have to endure the side effects I get at a higher dose. But I know what my switch felt like, and it was amazing. And then it wasn't me "having" not to drink. It just wasn't necessary. I am there this time, but I know how BAC works for me. I think that some people feel enough freedom immediately with BAC that they jump on the wagon. When they go down to a lower dose and fall off the wagon (which let's face it, most of us do), they can really bomb out because they don't have experience with how to work with alcohol and BAC. So I think you're giving yourself an education on how to live life and manage your meds.

On a lighter note (pun intended), my boobs are firm and B cupish, and I am 50 and have never worn a bra regularly. I must say, they are in pretty good shape. Ha!

[dundrinkn]

Was just reading an Anne Lamott essay and I came back here to share a few of her thoughts. First: Not forgiving makes you toxic. And then you really have very little to offer your family or the world or your audience, because you’re faking it."

And this: "I hope people realize that we’re infinitely more similar, more alike, than we are different — that we’re all angry, no matter how sweet or Buddhist or Christian or tender-hearted we appear. We’re all angry. And we’ve got to deal with it at some point. And dealing with the grief and the anger and the lack of forgiveness is the way home."

The title of the essay refers to how self-righteous some politically-based "Christians" are, and that they justify their ugly, nasty, hateful behavior on being "right".

Don't think I'll connect the dots anymore than that.

[StuckInCA]

Stuck, have another drink and call me in the morning. Wait, don't call me, I will wait to read another Stuck post.

I will, Spirit. I'm having another drink right now, actually, and enjoying it. In about 20 minutes or a half hour or so my girlfriend will get home from work, and then I will have sex with her. Depending on how I'm feeling, it will most likely be kinky sex. Then I will go to the bar and hang out and then I'll come back home when I've gotten my fill of socializing. I'll slip into bed, and probably finger my girl to orgasm while she sleeps. I don't know, that's just how I roll.

And all this time? You, sir, will still be an ignorant asshole.