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[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Wanted to pop in quick and say hi. Hi.

It does get better and more manageable. The cravings subside. It does take a while but they do. As far as bac goes, Ne's exactly right: enough time with enough milligrams of baclofen. Even without, time helps. Every single day that you set a goal and stick to it helps, whether that be your taper schedule or, ultimately, zero drinks for a day.

Hang tight. :l:l

[guapo]

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I didn't mean to say that urgings and cravings don't go away, I was just giving a method of dealing with them.

You're all absolutely right, they do go away, and that is a fact.

[StuckinLA]

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No - you were totally right to do so, Guapo. Realizing and accepting that you're going to have to deal with cravings is definitely a part of getting sober. Unless one is going right up to the baclofen switch, then yeah, there will be the craving/thought of drinking now and again. And they go away and come back. Mine get better and then return like the wind around 3 months and 6 months. Shouldn't whitewash the process.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks for the suggestion, guapo! I looked up urge surfing and it seems to be based on mindfulness meditation - something that could be very useful in riding out these nasty cravings. I?m already familiar with (though have long since forgotten about) mindfulness. When I was 20, I went through a phase where I read up on Eastern traditions and began to practice breathing/mindfulness meditation. Only problem was I would down several shots of vodka and smoke a big, fat bowl before sitting down to meditate. I would feel so serene while doing it. Of course I was serene - I was buzzed and stoned! I used to think I was sooo spiritual :H Seriously, though, I will try to use this concept whenever cravings start to rear their ugly head (which, unfortunately, is pretty often at this point).

Ne - thank you for the reassurance and words of wisdom. You?re right. I need both enough mg and time. That?s the hard part is being patient enough to ride out the storm, but I will definitely hang in there. I?ve read a lot of what you?ve written during my lurking days and have to say you are truly an inspiration for what bac can do to change people?s lives. Thank you for remaining a part of this community.

Skull - I love that quote. Although it kind of made me laugh because it made me think of the first time that I read that people who worry or stress out too much tend to live shorter lives. As a life-long worrywart, rather than take that as advice to learn to relax, I just started to panic about how I was doomed to die any day now! :H But yes, to a large degree, happiness is a choice and I will choose to be happy.

Stuck - thank you as always for your ongoing encouragement. It?s always nice to see you pop in. I hope your cravings are starting to settle down a bit. I know you?re right around that 3 month mark that you mentioned tends to be more difficult for you. Hope you?re having a good night. :l

[StuckinLA]

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Lostinspace;1676191 wrote: When I was 20, I went through a phase where I read up on Eastern traditions and began to practice breathing/mindfulness meditation. Only problem was I would down several shots of vodka and smoke a big, fat bowl before sitting down to meditate. I would feel so serene while doing it. Of course I was serene - I was buzzed and stoned! I used to think I was sooo spiritual :H

That sounds ah-mazing, actually. If there is a God to get close to, I'm certain that's the way to do it.

You sound good today, Lis. I hope that's the case. And thanks - I'm hanging in there. I think I almost drank yesterday, but ended up just having 3 O'Doul's while talking with the bartender, and she all the while making this grand plan for me to drink maybe Friday. Then today I was about to buy some booze and beer, telling myself 'just to have in the house for when the GF and the friends who are helping her move get here'. And I looked at craft beers when I was at the grocery store today, and then looked lovingly at bottles of bourbon and Irish whiskey the way one looks at pornographic photos of one's ex. But I did not in the end buy any.

I bought a bag of rolled oats. How f**king lame is that.

Well, anyway, whatever. This whole getting stoned every night thing is working out much better than I'd anticipated. I think I'm going to keep this up for a while. And I think I might buy a small bong. That will be fun.

OK, that's enough for now. Hope you're having a good one, sweetie. :l:l:l

[caro/3]

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Hi LIS,

On the theme of urge surfing I bought myself a tiny kitchen timer. Type of thing you can set for 10minutes. So just a suggestion, but when a craving hits set the timer for 10 minutes and say to yourself 'I'll decide if I want a drink in 10 minutes'. Gives you a bit of time to ride the craving and with a bit of luck the craving will have abated a bit.

Might be worth a shot.

It really is hard to believe but it is possible to have a great life without booze. I was 51 before the penny dropped, and that only happened because I had a complete meltdown and had no choice if I wanted to live.

So keep hanging on, we are all routing for you.

Caro

xx

[Lostinspace]

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Yeah, Stuck, I did feel pretty close to something (?) at that age.:H And that's awesome that you held out on buying booze and beer! You have liquor in the grocery store? That's rough. I'm sorry. That must make it all the more tempting when you can't even buy food without seeing it. I know some states allow that - not where I live thank god - only beer is allowed. If the weed is helping, go with it. And rolled oats isn't lame - at least you're eating healthy when you smoke. Most people binge on junk food when they get the munchies. Hope you're having a good night.:l:l

Thanks, Caro. I can try that, but I think I need to set my timer for more like an hour or two! I appreciate your coming back here to give advice. Your support is very much appreciated.

I'm embarrassed to even admit this after replying to two wonderful people, but today I did not stick to my taper or even maintain. For the first time since I started this, I backtracked a little - not too terribly, though. At least I didn't completely lose control and get stupid drunk.

EDIT: Why is everything I type double posting??!! That's why I edited. Hopefully, it'll only show up once this time. Aargh!!

[StuckinLA]

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We've been getting some double posts lately - I sent the same stupid and inane response to a private message twice last night. Oh well.

And yes, there's liquor in the grocery stores here. Yummy, yummy liquor. And when I smoke I tend to eat Nilla Wafers dipped in Nutella, not exactly the healthiest. The oats are for oatmeal in the mornings, but I need more bananas to make it. I also want to start making oatmeal bars to eat throughout the day - I don't do a very good job with eating. I tend to not, and then I wake up at usually 2am and stuff my face with anything I can get my hands on, so I try to keep fairly healthy stuff in the house all the time, like greek yogurt or unsalted peanuts or whatever. Maybe the girl will help with the oatmeal bars. She's good with that kind of sh*t.

And don't ever feel embarrassed to admit you drank a little more than you intended or whatever. There's no embarrassment or shame or judgment here. 1) Because there just isn't. We don't judge here. 2) Because I did drink last night. My 90-something day streak has come to an end. It was kind of a train wreck, actually, but only because of the friend I was with - he got cut off at the (my) bar, tried to drive home until I dragged him in the direction of my place with the offer of more beer, at the liquor store picking up the beer he dropped a case and broke bottles all over the place then fell in the aisle on top of the puddle of beer and broken glass, and then had a total meltdown crying in my apartment before I got fed up and picked a fight by calling him out on his bullsh*t, at which point he stormed off and drove home. Thank goodness he's OK and didn't hurt anyone or land in jail. Not that I haven't been in that same position before, but Jesus.

Anyway, so I'm not terribly worried about anything. I had a bit of a hangover today and, yes, am drinking again today, but no racing pulse or crippling anxiety, and I will get myself straightened out again soon. The very most important thing is that I got some good writing done today, and am not quite done with it yet. Going to keep working a bit more, maybe finish off the next couple pages of revision, and then get on with my day, which means going down to the bar.

And tomorrow I'm driving two hours to a wedding and back, as I agreed to carpool with a friend and take my car, so no boozy-boozing at the wedding and probably won't be back until late, so maybe will just smoke pot tomorrow night. And then the girl is here on Sunday. Not sure what exactly I think I'm accomplishing with this post - I'm really not trying to be all like 'hey I'm drinking and it's great!' 'Cause it's not great, but the world didn't stop spinning on its axis, and whatever.

Just keep aiming for where you want to be, Lis, and do your best to achieve those goals. Backsliding happens, but it's not the end of the world and it's not reason to give up and it doesn't mean you're a bad person or any crap like that. Stay the course, it's a process, etc. Another day, another win. :l:l:l

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks, Stuck. And no, the world did not stop spinning on its axis, for either of us. Life goes on. You're right - it is a process. One of the few things I heard in AA that I actually liked was the phrase "progress, not perfection." Of course they didn't mean that in terms of getting sober. They were talking about working on your supposed character defects (god I hate that term). Staying AF was the one thing they insisted you had to do 100 percent perfectly. Glad you got a lot of good writing done. And Nilla wafers with Nutella? That sounds divine. I actually smoked late last night myself, for the first time in about a month. I had no good munchies on hand, so I had to settle for peanut butter sandwiches. Try eating those with cotton mouth. There's not enough water in the world to help get them down!

Today, I'm down visiting my husband's son with him. I wish things were going well. We're back in the hotel now, and, I could freeze pretty much anything you want in this room right now. The ice between us makes me want to shoot myself.

[StuckinLA]

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That doesn't sound like much fun, Lis. The hotel room, I mean. Hopefully you had a nice visit with your son in law?

Progress not perfection is absolutely right. Keep on keepin' on. I've said this before already, but I am so happy you are here. You are strong and determined, and on the right path, and I look forward to hearing from you every day. You really are turning things around, and I wish there were a way to make the fight against booze easier for you. More baclofen jumps out as the answer, though 1) you've mentioned how that's not possible right now, and 2) that isn't always easy either. It can be f**king hard, right up until it isn't.

I don't know if my being on your thread is helpful or not the last couple days, given that I am no longer abstinent, so please feel free to tell me exactly where to go if you want.[EDIT: Don't know why I said that - I'm not and I ain't never pretended to be a role model or inspiration or anything. But stories involving drinking can be annoying for sure. So...] Last night I had a couple drinks at the bar, wasn't really feeling it, then got home and smoked up and drank a couple more beers while watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix. God, that show is sooooo good. Just laid in bed and let my stoned-self be overwhelmed by the soundtrack and the cinematography and it was pretty all right until going to sleep. Today I went to a friend's wedding up in Santa Barbara. A couple and I carpooled. Lovely ceremony. Then I was thinking things over and decided I could have a margarita before dinner. Then a second. And then a glass of champagne for the toasts. But I stopped after that and drank water the rest of the night because I'd agreed to drive us back to LA, and so several hours later I did just that: drove the three of us home, stone sober. The girl gets in tomorrow around 1 probably. So now I'm enjoying coming home to the last night this apartment is mine, listening to Social Distortion and Johnny Cash, and getting ready for bed since it's 2am already. Hope you are hanging in there, Lis. :l

[Lostinspace]

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Stuck - I did have a nice visit, thanks. It's just hard in those moments when I'm alone with my husband. I am still intent on moving forward towards becoming AF, although unfortunately, I backslid on my taper even more yesterday. But, I'm very much determined to turn that around today. And please don't go away, whether you're abstinent or not. I always love "seeing" you here. I hope the move-in goes well today. :l

[chelsea98]

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i pop my 15 (150mg) tabs each morning in one go (though i've still forgotten on occasions!). i get some serious drowsiness in the afternoon and it doesnt help i have a very sedentary job but if yours is the type where youre quite busy all the time then it probably won't hit you in the same way.

[StuckinLA]

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Not going away, just very very busy with the girl moving in and starting to get settled while also entertaining the 2 friends who helped with the move. They're staying until Wednesday, I believe. So everything's up in the air and hectic until then, and there are boxes everywhere in the living room and 2 bunnies in a giant hutch in the kitchen and my 2 terrified kitties in my bedroom closet.

The girls just left for Venice Beach, and when my buddy gets out of the shower we'll probably find a nice cold bar to sit in the rest of the afternoon. It is balls-blazing hot here. Not particularly happy about how I got drunk last night and don't remember coming home. Didn't cause any problems or friction or anything, though it was not much fun waking up sweating and feeling icky and I just wish I had f**king air conditioning. Oh well.

That's an awful lot about me. Hope you're doing well, Lis. I look forward to being able to catch up around here soon. :l:l

[Lostinspace]

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I hope the move-in is going well, Stuck, as crazy hectic as it might be. Hopefully your poor cats will feel comfortable enough to come out of hiding soon. Don't worry too much about last night. It happened and nothing terrible came of it, so just move forward from here. I hope you're doing well and can settle down and breathe soon. :l:l

So I've gotten back on track with my taper yesterday and today. I decided to go back a couple days in my taper schedule after getting so far off track. (When I said yesterday that I backslid even more on Saturday, what I really meant was that I drank too much all day and got completely wasted by the end of the night). Of course this only did further damage to my already hurting marriage. My state of intoxication did not go unnoticed by my husband. I thought I was pulling it off most of the day and into the evening, but I was falling down and bumping into walls by the end of the night. He was not happy with me.

My doctor appointment is coming up on Wednesday. I'm both excited and anxious to ask him about increasing my bac dosage. I'm going armed with information - the 2 year observational study of people on HDB, an article on the safety of HDB, and the French doctors' prescribing guide. Hopefully I can convince him. But even if I can't, I'm pretty much decided that, one way or another, I WILL be going up until I hit my switch. This taper has been extremely difficult and I know from past experience that trying to live AF with nothing to help with cravings is no walk in the park. I don't want every day to be a struggle. I want to enjoy life and be free of this stupid obsession with AL.

[StuckinLA]

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How're you doing today, Lis? Thinking about you. :l