Here we go again

[Spiritfree]

Ugh. Stopping by the liquor store to pick up beer for my step dad's christmas present. Been putting this off. Just fortified myself with chocolate. Hope this goes ok.

Happy, happy, merry, merry to all.

Hey dun, I am so sorry to hear that you are having to stop by the Liquor store to pick up Beer for someone. After all that you have been through lately, including your cravings, it is sad that you are the one being made to stop by the Liquor store. Try to hang in there.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Quiet Christmas for me. My parents came down yesterday, but they're staying with my aunt and uncle, about 20 minutes away. It was a pouring down rainy day all day long, so the pooch and I just huddled on the couch with a good book and a chew toy until late afternoon. Then got ready to have everyone over for dinner. I hurt my mom's feelings because I didn't get together with her earlier. Bummer. On the flip side, the financial matter I had to resolve is taken care of, and is a lot less onerous than I thought it was going to be. The money gods have smiled on us this year, for sure.

Stuck, glad you're at home and can just chill. I used to use going home as a reset in order to get some good sleep and good food. (I never drank around family. Ever.) I hope it's working out for you like that. I don't doubt that everything coming to a close, while everything else is still up in the air, lends itself to going off the track. I have definitely had that experience. Even without booze.

Dun, bummer about the liquor store. When I was still craving, I was pretty superstitious about places and spaces. I tried to avoid temptation. (Not that it's particularly useful in terms of quitting forever, but it certainly helps to get through the moment.) Anyway, hope you made it through the experience without any major crises, even the ones where it's only internal.

Lis, hope you had a safe trip. Can't wait for you to get back and take the test! Woot!

Desperate for something brief to read yesterday, I checked out The Fix. (Online mag about addiction.) Interesting interview/article about harm reduction.

...because for them “recovery” was abstinence-based-hardcore-whatever. And so we were taking the name back to what it really is and how it really applies to our species.

...any positive change as a person defines it for him or herself...

Any positive change—people that really understand that almost always learn the hard way about what addiction is and what recovery is, but people that do get it really see in it a profound shift, a revolution, really.

Also, and this is related specifically to opiate users, people who completed abstinence-based programs were more likely to die as a result of overdose than those who dropped out. I didn't follow up on the study to figure out the validity, but it's an interesting thought. I have certainly had the experience, repeatedly, that because something didn't work, and because I was told it was the only thing that would work, I was a "hopeless case, incapable of being honest with myself..." and getting sober. Nothing better than the feeling of hopelessness to increase the need for escape.

On that light note, I'm out! Gotta go wrap presents and stuff. Hope it's a merry day for you folks!

EDIT: The article: http://www.thefix.com/content/patron...harm-reduction

[Lostinspace]

I have no idea if this post is gonna work or not. I've been having multiple issues with my iPhone recently, including very often not even being able to log on to this site, but here goes. . .

Stuck - You're not an idiot at all! We've all been there. I'm just glad you're feeling better and doing OK. I'm really sorry to hear (on another thread) that you're feeling so depressed about the future right now. Uncertainty, in some ways, is almost worse than a negative outcome, because at least with the latter, you know what you're dealing with and can adjust your plans accordingly. Just hang tight and rest assured that something good is in the pipeline for you - you just don't know what yet. I hope going home for the holidays is giving you the break, and the familiarity and comfort, that you need right now. Hang in there :hug:

dun - I'm sorry you were charged with that unfortunate task. Good job on prepping yourself with ample chocolate. Chocolate can sometimes be a magical craving-bashing wonder food. I hope the trip was quick enough, went well and didn't drive you nuts.

I'm glad you got that financial issue resolved, Ne. A quiet afternoon on the couch with a book, followed by dinner with family, sounds like a perfect way to spend the holiday. And don't feel too bad. I hurt my mother's feelings too by our decision to drive back home tonight, rather than stay another night It sucks, but just make the most of the time you do have together.

My husband and I just started the four-hour trip back home. It was really nice to see family, both my parents (last night and this morning) and his sons (this afternoon). But trips like these only further confirm that I'm a textbook introvert. I feel pretty drained after spending close to 24 hours constantly interacting with people, and am quite happy to spend the car ride back in silence. My sociability allotment has been used up for the moment. Anyway, happy holidays to all who celebrate and a happy night to all

EDIT: Thanks for the article link, Ne. It's an interesting read.

[Spiritfree]

Hi MWO family. Hope all have enjoyed, or at least endured, the holiday day. Peace to all.

[kronkcarr]

Hey Lis,

When I drank I was the life of the party. With baclofen I became the introvert I always was. I was supposed to go somewhere today and I couldn't really figure out why I got the invitation so I texted out. It felt good to not do something I didn't want to.

dun, I'm wondering how your trip to buy beer turned out.

Stuck, I'm wondering if it would help to see the unknown full of possibilities as to being depressed about it. I have no clue how it is for you but just thought it might be good to switch it up.

Ne, I'm happy you've dealt with the financial stuff. I'm really happy to read how focused you are on your goals. To me that's quite a testament to baclofen. Thanks for the reminder.

Things are ok with me. I stacked 2 long work days and on Tuesday I was overwhelmed. dun, instead of breathing into my issues I just cried all the way home. I never wanted to work with people. I wanted to work in a lab but I took a different route. After the cry I felt better and have stayed sober for the holidays. I'm happy for that.

Jingle, jingle, merry, merry.

[dundrinkn]

I too stayed sober for the holidays. I went in to the liquor store and the smell made me a little sick. One of the last conversations I had with Evan was about the amygdala and how it is damaged by binge drinking and how when I am drinking I smell a certain, distinct smell. Anyway... I was so distracted that I bought my dad a 12 pack of mini beers, the 8 oz kind. No big deal either way -- my buying, or him drinking midget beer. Christmas was fine, though I too am an extreme introvert and drinking helps. I am happy I didn't drink and don't have anything on the horizon that will be as hard as the last few days.

Sounds like everyone else is fairing well too. Stuck, hope you are enjoying your family.

[Lostinspace]

Yeah kronk, alcohol definitely made me a lot more social than I was this year. I wouldn’t say I was ever the life of the party, but I was never this withdrawn. Given that I always went off to do my drinking in private (so presumably no one knew that I was using a social lubricant), I hope no one noticed/was offended by my relative silence. Although this was now my third sober family get together, so I think I’m getting better at it. I’m glad you felt able to opt out of a get together you weren’t interested in. Sometimes you just need to have some space to yourself, especially around the holidays. And a good cry on the way home from work can be very healing. There’s no shame in that.

dun - I’m glad the liquor store trip was no big deal, outside of the initial sickening smell, and that you also got to enjoy a sober holiday

I’m on day four AF and it’s starting to catch up with me, only in the sense that I have no release and nothing to shield me from the intense anxiety, and often panic, that I’m feeling at the moment. My road test is in two days, so I’m feeling the pressure of that. I also kinda threw a stressed-out hissy fit at work on Wednesday and am really dreading going back to face my coworkers. I feel really bad about it and I don't know what to do. Especially because I think it was somewhat deserved, I just went about it in a really childish and unproductive way. Plus, these last couple days I’m starting to have panic attacks over finding a new job.

There’s not much out there. And what makes matters much, much worse is that my resume is terrible. There are a lot of gaps in my employment, I never stayed at any one job for all that long, and I don’t have much experience at all working within the field I went to school for (outside of my current job, which I can’t use as a reference because I don’t want them to know I’m on the prowl for another job). And to top it all off, I have a criminal record. Most places worth working for around here do a background check.

OK, I apologize for rambling on. I’ll stop with my worrying for now and just get back to work on sprucing up my resume, applying for jobs, practicing mindfulness often, and if needed, taking a Xanax to stop hyperventilating and feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack. Today is not going to be fun. Nor will it be fun that I’ll have to keep doing this over and over until I’m gainfully employed elsewhere, which realistically is not gonna happen any time soon, if at all. I'm feeling pretty depressed about my resume and the kind of job prospects available to me

Anyway, Stuck, Ne - I hope you guys are doing well and enjoying your family visits and/or just enjoying the weekend (I kinda lost track of everyone’s plans and where y’all are right now). Happy Saturday to everyone else!

[dundrinkn]

Off to more family functions (ugh) and just checking in but had to comment. Wow Lis! Congrats on stringing together some AF time. Not easy, I know. And the anxiety is a killer. Try not to dwell too much in the future right now. You and Stuck both need to trust that something great is coming to you in the future. I think that's what Kronk said, but don't have time to look it up. I have looked for employment while keeping it a secret from my current job. Is there anyone there you could use for a verification/reference, even if not a supervisor? I've handled it that way, and also just told them not to contact because I didn't want to tip them off. They can verify through check stubs, ect. I wouldn't not include the experience if it what you want to continue doing. OK. My daughter is staring at me, snarling silently, so must go. Now I will have to hear my own words echoed back for the next 15 minutes about social media blah blah blah. Hang in the there Lis.

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[Lostinspace]

Dammit. I thought the spammers were going away, or at least getting better.

Thanks dun. I’ll try not to dwell too much on the future right now, but it’s hard and getting harder, the more real things become. I’ll keep that in mind about looking for someone else within the company who can at least verify employment dates (maybe our HR-type, hiring lady - too bad she can’t act as a reference for me, too. I’m in desperate need of good references!). Anyway, I hope your family function went well and wasn’t too overwhelming.

I didn’t make all too much progress yesterday. I worked on my resume (but not to the point that it’s finished), looked for a few more jobs, had a massive panic attack, and didn’t end up applying to any of them. I still have a lot of work to do. Anyway, I’m starting on day five AF today. I hope it’s a good one for everyone out there!

[StuckinLA]

Hey everybody. Sounds like people are... managing. Hang tough, the holidays and the family visits are almost over.

I went out of town the day before yesterday to visit my old college town and an old friend. It was a good overnight trip. Got to walk around for a little on my own and just kind of take in the place and the memories. It all seemed so expansive and epic in my mind, but really all the places I used to live and where my friends lived are pretty normal, run down old buildings. It was weird to see one house in particular where there were a lot of parties. It seemed so small yesterday. Anyway, got to also catch up with friends, and came back yesterday.

I'd been staying AF for 4 or maybe it was 5 days, but still taking my 1/2 Ativan almost everyday and still panicky and feeling super stressed. The warm weather isn't helping at all. It scares the hell out of me, actually.

I ended up drinking last night, but have no plans to repeat that today, and we head back to LA on Monday. Just gotta hang in here. The girl just left for brunch with some friends but I couldn't handle the idea of being in the Sunday brunch crowd so I stayed back. Oh well, whatever. Anyway, take care everyone.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - That’s nice that you got a break from family visits to see some old friends. I always find it weird to visit places I used to live, too. It’s never even close in real life to what it is in my memory. That’s awesome that you went four or five days AF Even if you did end up drinking, I think that every break we can manage to give ourselves from drinking is practice for the real thing. I’m sorry you never made it beyond the point of feeling panicky. Although, with everything up in the air right now, and your dissertation hanging over your head, there’s probably more going on than just withdrawal anxiety. Hang in there. It really will get easier soon :hug:

I’m checking in early today because I’ll be at work a few hours late tonight, thanks to the fact that I’m going in a few hours late - because of my road test I barely slept last night between the anticipation of this test and the intermittent panic over my employment future (or what I imagine to be a lack thereof). Oh well, so long as I don’t fall asleep behind the wheel, or make some bonehead move because I’m too tired to pay attention, I should be OK. I’m gonna try my best to keep up this AF streak that I started over the holiday break. Working late tonight should help (I think?). Anyway, I hope you all have a great day out there!

[kronkcarr]

Congrats to all who are having AF days. I'm with you. Nothing's new here. I did nothing on my days off--oh, how I miss those early bac days when I cleaned my home. I did go to a party on Saturday night. My friend and I mingled, had 1 1/2 drinks and left. I needed to put in an appearance and did. I was home by 10:30 which suited me. New Years will be at home with my son. So I've got 2 crazy busy days then a day off. Here's to a happy rest of the year.