Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

kronk - It might very well help to set a quit date, one that’s far enough out that I have time to mentally prepare myself, but not so far into the future that I don’t take it seriously. That’s what I did with smoking. February 1st sounds like a good date. That is, if I don’t hit indifference and start to lose interest in drinking by then anyway. I’m going to push up in dose a little bit more aggressively now and will be up to 300 mg within another week or so.

I’m really not sure what my longer term goals are. Realistically, I think I will probably choose to moderate rather than abstain over the long haul, at least in part for the reason that Ne mentioned above. It's pretty much been proven, both in humans and animal models, that the deprivation effect of abstinence leads to even heavier drinking if, and when, the person does start drinking again. But for now, I want to get some good, long AF (or mostly AF) time in to help reset my thinking, habits and lifestyle. Even though I’m drinking far less than I used to, it’s still almost daily, it’s still enough to harm my health, and it’s still enough to make me lazy when I get home and start doing it. Of course we’re allowed time to just sit around and be lazy at the end of a hard day’s work, but I take it to an extreme. I want to change all that first.

Anyway, I’m glad your holidays went well. And happy weekend to you, too

I guess that makes sense, Ne. It’s so cheap to join that there are probably loads of people who sign up, then never make it through the door again. I will definitely start with some strength training soon. I did find some of Lo0p’s posts (and realized I had already read them in the past, but had completely forgotten about them). There’s a lot of good stuff there. I’ll go back and reread more of them now. And I will read up more on strength training, in general, as well as enlist the help of the trainers at the gym. I’m really excited to get stronger and FEEL strong.

That’s so awesome to hear about all of the exciting things coming up for you this year, as well as all of the stressful things that are NOT happening. Sounds like 2015 is your year. And I wouldn’t worry about your resume at this point. You’ve been going through school steadily, and will be jumping straight from one program into another one. This shows dedication and hard work on your part. Regardless of your employment past before school, this will reflect favorably on you when you start going on job interviews. So keep that positivity up! Good stuff does happen, and it’ll be happening to you

Stuck, dun - how are you guys doing? I hope you're having a good weekend.

Anyway, I meant to post all this last night, but I got tired halfway through typing and went to lie down on the couch - which of course led to me falling asleep until my husband woke me to come to bed. I’m doing alright. I took a day off from the gym yesterday because my leg muscles basically demanded that I do so. Today they’re still tired, but less sore, so I think I’m ready to hit it hard again. And hit it hard I will. There’s been no change in my drinking the last couple days, surprise, surprise, but I’m not gonna let it bother me. As I said above, either I’ll stick to the quit date, or I’ll hit my switch and the quit date will become a moot point. I hope you all have a great day out there!

[StuckinLA]

Hi all,

Gonna probably be a fairly quick post. Just don't feel as though I have all that much to say, but I have been keeping up with everybody. So my friend *finally* left yesterday. Or, well, he's flying back today but he stayed with his cousin last night. So we had a few drinks in the afternoon and played a quick game of Risk at a bar, the three of us, then we dropped him off out at his cousin's and then - holiest of all holies - we had the apartment to ourselves. It's been almost 2 weeks since we didn't have anything to do, and didn't have anyone to "entertain." I say that loosely, because when we weren't drinking he was mostly just laying on the couch watching TV on his phone, but it's still an extra person in this very small space.

Unfortunately, instead of just being together and hanging out, I'd already started drinking earlier in the day. So I kept drinking but not like a madman, and we had a pizza for dinner. And I'm a little behind on my weekly exercise/activity app, so I went for a walk. She stayed here. I stopped at the bar for 1 and only 1 drink, and came home. We got in pajamas and watched a few episodes of TV in bed while I gave her a back and shoulder massage 'cause she'd been complaining of her shoulders being tense and sore. So even though I was drinking, it was still a really nice, relaxing night just the two of us.

Kind of trying to get back into the groove of things now. I got most of my class planned out but didn't get any more work than that done. And I'm behind on the dissertation. Sort of trying to stare at it this morning while she's in bed still, but not really into it. And we head to Vancouver on Wednesday night. Ugh. Well, guess that wasn't all that short of a post after all. Hope everyone's having a good weekend.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Morning, peeps!

I'm getting a bit of a late start with posting these days. Going back to bed after being awake for an hour means that I get up later. Not a bad thing, but my writing juice dries up around 8am, I think. Anyway.



Lis, there's something that smacks me the wrong way about the word (and meaning) of "moderation". It doesn't really exist, because it implies thinking about it. Best thing I did for my long term success was simply not to drink and not to think about drinking. That took at least a year, maybe more. I look to two people as real examples of long term success--Terryk and skull. (There are many, many others, but these two are recent and still around.)

What you wrote about up there^^, about booze being a life or death thing really struck a chord for me. It is what is missing in my life and in my relationship with booze. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared of it, when someone reminds me what it was like. (Thanks for that.) I look to the people who equated booze with breath for *my* answers. Ya' know? Both Tk and skull fit that bill. Tk never went down from his switch dose. Skull never picked up another drink. Both of them, in their own ways, filled the gap with other things. That's imperative. I know I did that early on and for a long time and it was a life-changing-thing. It's easy to drink, especially when the repercussions aren't there. It's much harder to just decide not to do it and stick to the goal. And make no mistake, baclofen or not, we have a lot of examples that drinking regularly leads back to that life or death struggle. Anyway, this is a little preemptive, because you're not there yet. But you will be, and it's food for thought.

I think you, too, Kronk, had a bit of that early life-changing reality going on. And it seemed to me at the time that exercise was a big part of it. Is that true? I felt like you were always doing exciting and lovely things outdoors.

Glad you had a nice, relaxing evening, Stuck. I hope you can enjoy the trip!

It is exciting to look forward to a year when no-one is literally deathly ill. I'm still superstitious about it, so it's a little hard to write without freaking out a bit. But, man. It really can't be understated what a relief it is.

I'm going to get some songs on my ipod today and join Planet Fitness tomorrow. (Priorities. ha.) You've inspired me, Lis. Planet Fitness is a mile from my house, and I have absolutely no excuse for not going. So...I'm challenging myself to do at least what you do!

Hope it's a good day!

[kronkcarr]

Ne, I love your priorities!

What you write about me is true. Baclofen slowed me down initially and it was so nice for me to be outdoors. About 1 1/2 years into bac I started running and I ran on a schedule. Once I got used to running it cleared my mind and I was emotionally better off. Plus drinking didn't fit in with being fit.

I injured myself 10 weeks or so ago and some time after that I started mindlessly buying wine and having 2-3 glasses most nights. It really was mindless--I didn't argue with myself. I just "fell" back in to a bad habit. That's when I understood what many here have said that it's not a magic pill. So I'm back to where I want to be again. I loved when wine didn't matter to me.

Skull's journey is a great motivator. I haven't read Tk's story but I'll go back and do it.

[dundrinkn]

Great post, Ne. Thanks! I am coming up on 80 days, and I still am in a daily conversation with myself about drinking -- yes, no? Maybe tomorrow, or the next day? If I wait too long to drink, I will get that crushing feeling of disappointment the next morning. If I drink too soon, will I end up back in the grip of it? The longer I go AF, the more I think I should just keep postponing.

I was reading Bleep's post recently, and he had a question about if the side effects were so troubling, why couldn't he just go up to his switch dose, be AF and then choose not to drink and come down off the BAC? And I ask myself this often -- why indeed? I still have nerve pain in my legs. I also wonder if the BAC has affected my sex drive (though I am also hitting menopause which is messing that up too). But I still hang on to the "need" to just have an occasional drink. Yet, I haven't had the same success with this as other's have. I always end up back in the mix of the addiction. So I will put if off again today. Using the old AA tricks to try and get further away from that last drink. Not wanting to be so focused on the alcohol, drinking it or not drinking it. It is still occupying way too much space in my life. Blah!

I too have started working out pretty much daily. Only for 5 days or so, but feeling the boost in the mood already. And feeling stronger, which I like. I will look up Loop's posts on free weights. What a turd! I wish he were still around.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m glad to hear that you’re finally getting at least a little break from the visits and entertaining. It really is exhausting to have people around you 24/7. I’m impressed that you were even able to get your class planned out with all that craziness! Don’t worry too much about what hasn’t been done yet. Just use the next few days to work on your dissertation as you’re able to, as well as giving yourself time to relax - very important, before you go to Vancouver. I hope you’re otherwise doing well, my friend.

Ne - I don’t think we mean the same thing by the term “moderation.” Moderation doesn’t require any thought, and certainly no obsessing - it’s what normal (non-alcoholic) people do their whole lives. If you’re talking about the kind of mind games we often play with ourselves, for example “I won’t have any more than two drinks on any given occasion, and no more than three times per week,” that’s not moderation. That’s controlled drinking, which is basically what I’m already doing, although admittedly, I do drink quite a bit more than the example I just gave.

I’m trying to get away from that kind of thinking. That’s why I think a good, long AF period is necessary to reset my thinking before I can entertain the thought of drinking moderately. Right now, my mind is still stuck in alcohol obsession mode. Maybe I’m delusional in thinking that I can ever be a normal person, but quite frankly, I never in a million years would have thought that I could drink this little, consistently, for months on end, without it spiraling into alcoholic hell. I never could before.

I would love, for once in my life, to be the person who is offered a beer, or a glass of wine, at a party or other gathering, and can have that drink among friends, without it causing a problem or leading to any further drinking. Of course, I would need to make friends within the town I live in first. I would’ve said lol, but it’s really not funny. My loneliness is slowly killing me. That’s another thing that makes me really happy about having my license back. I can go places, join things and meet people. Finally! Now that my head’s not lost in a bottle 24/7, I actually have an interest in doing things and meeting people. It should be nice.

In any case, I completely agree that regular drinking is counterproductive, and no good for anyone, whether they’re on bac or not. And filling my life with other things is exactly what I’m aiming to do at the moment. I feel like if I have enough other good things going on, then drinking will cease to be the need that it feels like now. And I will decide not to drink no matter what, and to just do these other things, not too long from now. I’ve already slated February 1st for the occasion.

Anyway, that’s so awesome that you’re gonna join PF, too! I’m gonna need to stifle my excitement because THAT’S SO F**KING AWESOME! Granted, I’ve only been a member there since last Thursday, but it’s already becoming my second home. It has already proven beneficial for my mental health. Maybe we can start another fitness thread, for those who are interested?

And yesterday, I took your advice to look into free weights. Well, I probably didn’t do as much research as I should have, but a couple hours on the internet taught me that compound exercises are where it’s at. I settled in on just three exercises (ones that my poor right shoulder can handle) - squats, shoulder presses (with half the weight that I used for squats), and dead lifts. I did three sets of 12 reps and OH. MY. GAWD. I know that’s a wimp workout for you more seasoned folk. But, after I went through that routine, I couldn’t run on the treadmill at all - not even for 30 seconds - I felt like I was gonna fall flat on my face if I kept trying. So I just walked for 45 minutes. Today, I was back to running and incline walking (although very sore). I’m saving my next strength training day for Wednesday (I know you only need one day off, but man, I’m sore, I’m new, I need extra time off!!).

kronk - I also experienced the bac magic best when I was outside, in those early days. Those two months when I was barely drinking, I was walking everywhere, all the time. Being outside is really healing. Unfortunately, it’s a little too cold to be enjoyable now. Anyway, I’m really glad you’re back where you want to be, as far as drinking is concerned. And I really hope your injury heals enough soon that you’re able to get back out there and run some more.

dun - Congrats on working out for five days now, and even more so, for staying AF all this time! When you say “if I wait too long,” does that mean that you’re eventually thinking of drinking occasionally? That’s completely fine, of course, I’m just curious. Anyway, you’re doing a great job. Really. Just keep pushing those pesky thoughts aside with some more “let’s wait. I can do whatever I want tomorrow, just not today.” I’m so sorry you’re still suffering with side effects. How long have you been on bac? Has it gotten any better over time, as you get used to the dose?

Anyway, not much else to say. The only thing going on with me outside of work right now is the gym, and I just said more than enough in response to Ne. I hope you all have a great night!

EDIT: I'm sorry for the obscenely long response tonight. I don't know how to pare down what I'm trying to say.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

...I am coming up on 80 days, and I still am in a daily conversation with myself about drinking -- yes, no? Maybe tomorrow, or the next day? ...

Congrats on the AF time, Dun. I don't know that we spend enough time lauding that around here. It's a huge accomplishment, because as we all know, it's easy to just say yes.



Those mind games are the reason I did my first AF stint. It was 30 days, but extended to much farther than that. I can't remember how long. I don't know anyone who doesn't have those thoughts when they first go AF, using any kind of tools. I also spent plenty of time wondering what to do with myself, although my initial pink cloud kept me very busy for months.



I did the AF time with someone else, and he struggled the whole way through and couldn't wait until he was able to drink. Drank on day 31. I think there are a couple of things that were different between us. The first is that he was never consistent with his bac dose. The second was that he didn't have anything else to fill up the time. (I don't know that these are the reasons. It turns out he had a lot of other things going on that I didn't know about at the time. But this is what I attributed it to, in part, back when we did it.)



Consistency is not my forte, even now. I mess up how much baclofen I take regularly. But I was much more committed to finding and staying at a comfortable level back then. And I was busy reinventing my life, so there's that.

I was reading Bleep's post recently, and he had a question about if the side effects were so troubling, why couldn't he just go up to his switch dose, be AF and then choose not to drink and come down off the BAC? And I ask myself this often -- why indeed? I still have nerve pain in my legs. I also wonder if the BAC has affected my sex drive (though I am also hitting menopause which is messing that up too). But I still hang on to the "need" to just have an occasional drink. Yet, I haven't had the same success with this as other's have. I always end up back in the mix of the addiction. So I will put if off again today.

I don't think the medication works like that for most of us. Meaning, I don't think that some of us can get some AF time, become completely abstinent, and stay that way forever even without the medication. I think baclofen's a long term thing, and taking too little means that we will get the brain dysfunction again. Diabetics who have it bad can't stop taking insulin. Those that can stop taking insulin are generally in the earlier stages AND they revolve their entire lives around managing the disease without insulin.



I know that my understanding of all of this and my perspective is greatly influenced by my own experience, in addition to all of the reading I've done. I also know that my particular brand of alcoholism is genetic and that I was born with it. There isn't a single branch of my family, going back as far as we can trace it, that isn't affected. Both of my parents and my brother have the disease. All four grandparents, too.

That tells me that I am not getting rid of this thing, no matter what I do. Because you'll have to trust that we (collectively) have tried just about everything. I definitely feel like I have, but I've also seen my parents struggle and attempt it, and know that my grandparents did as well.



I've seen too many people go completely off the rails for two reasons: they take way too much baclofen way too quickly and/or they titrate down way too much and way too quickly. The latter is particularly true of people who have a bit of abstinent time and think the disease is gone.



I wonder what that side effect is about and what, if anything, can be done about it? I know it is/was very limiting for Stuck. Have you figured out what it is? I ask because I don't think it's a good idea to take medication that makes life miserable, even if it makes life livable. Not if there's a way to manage the miserable part. Ya' know?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Loved your post, Lis. Don't apologize, dammit.



I forget, or forget to write, that it isn't possible to plan for your drinking (or not drinking) future when you're still in the throes of needing booze to breath. Plenty of time to figure that out when you get there, because indifference is absolutely inconceivable from the place of active addiction. What you can plan for are the things you are already thinking about. An exercise plan to get strong, new job, new lease on life. The booze? Well, you'll figure that out just like the rest of us did. I was in awe at the freedom in spite of all of the other stuff going on in my mind. It was really wonderful to be free. Still is, I suppose, but of course, I don't really remember how much it sucked or what it felt like to be enslaved. I really should go back and read through my thread every year or so. ha.



I'm not going to join the gym today. Ed's decided to take the day off and we have a ton of outdoor chores to do before the first real old snap hits tomorrow. However, your excitement really is contagious and I'll go tomorrow. I cannot believe you did squats and deadlifts. Man, you are really awesome. That's so great! Lo0p would be beside himself. Keep on keepin' on. (Though I've got to write this even though I don't mean to put a damper on what you're doing: take it easy! Marathon, not a race. And take it from Kronk, you don't want to get hurt or even ache so much that you give up before the magic happens.) 30 minutes 5x/week for cardio stuff is a good goal to start. And muscle work 3x/week. Squats and deads use all the muscles, but you can do isolated stuff on your arms, too. If you're exercising on the treadmill, then that counts as leg work.



Now, I know I am not an exercise aficionado, and there are 18,000 opinions about this stuff. I'm not trying to go there and have some sort of big debate. Bottom line? Don't overdo it. And do just do it. I am so excited for you, and for me. I swear, it's been so long that I will be a beginner again and get big gainz really quickly. Woot!



Okay, one more thing about this exercise thing. My dad owned health clubs when I was growing up. I am no stranger to exercising. And when I turned 39, I decided I was not going to be bloated and alcoholic on my 40th birthday, so I started exercising daily and eating really well. I thought that I could combat the disease with those things. And lots of self-help books. ha. That was 2008.



I woke up on my 40th birthday with a terrible hangover after having embarrassed myself in one of the nicest restaurants in the country the night before. Don't get me wrong, I looked amazing in my LBD, and 4-inch heels. I ate 9 courses over several hours because my body was a machine that needed fuel. But I was still a hopeless alcoholic. It was pretty devastating.



I decided then to use ALL of the tools I'd ever learned, and everything else I could find, to combat the disease. (I still thought it was mind over matter, and absolutely did not believe this was a disease. I thought I was a shitty person who made really bad choices repeatedly. That lasted another long time. Fuck, man, the regret I have about that still stings. Anyway.)



Where do introverted book nerds go to get info? The library and amazon. Discovered Ameisen's book in early 2010, and I think you know the rest.



My point? The exercise was a supplement. A really good one. One that probably kept me from struggling as much as I see others do in early sobriety. But definitely not a cure.



Now, how's that for endless? Make you feel better? hahahaha



I'm out to freeze my hiney off so I can save my bulbs and keep my pots from freezing. And mulch! So much mulch!! (Who doesn't love mulch? I do.) xxoo peeps.

[Lostinspace]

You’re right, Ne. It’s way too early to say whether I’m gonna be a long-term abstainer, or an occasional drinker, and there’s no need to try to plan around that. One thing I came across while reading back through some of Lo0p’s exercise threads was a post where you were talking about the marshmallow test. Hopefully you remember what that was all about, if not, I’ll explain it next time I post. Anyway, you were relating it to recovery, and how the successful children put off the impulse to eat the marshmallow by focusing their attention everywhere but the marshmallow. The kids who gave in were basically staring at the marshmallow, gritting their teeth, and trying to will themselves not to give in. They were “white knuckling” it.

I’m paraphrasing a lot; I don’t remember exactly what you said and I’m not gonna take the time to go through all those posts again to find it. But the message was loud and clear: if you want to give up the obsession with alcohol, fill your mind with everything but booze. And really, that’s what we’ve been talking about - filling our lives up with good things, while preparing to say goodbye to the destructive. I like the analogy you used, though. It might seem like common sense for a lot of people. But for those of us who have spent years on and off in AA, and have been taught to basically make sobriety our religion, focusing all of our attention on staying sober, it’s really not common sense.

From here on out, I’m going to focus only on what I can add to my life, and what I’m currently doing and enjoying, rather than focus on drinking, and the fact that I haven’t gotten my sh*t together yet. Of course, when February 1st rolls around, I’ll have to take note of my quit date and not stop at the liquor store. And I know I’ll have many situations where my head is screaming for me to drive to the liquor store. But then I’ll divert my attention once more and keep on focusing on the good stuff (or at least focus on anything other than booze!).

And thanks for the encouragement regarding exercise. I was feeling kinda lame because I was in the free weights section of the gym for only 10 minutes (that was including all the rest periods between those three sets of each exercise). Some of the guys that were there when I started were STILL there when I got off the treadmill 45 minutes later! But man, that workout kicked my butt! And I will take it easy enough. I think I have a good feel for things right now. I’m listening to my body, and am successfully toeing the line between pushing myself as hard as I can, while not causing myself any injury.

I’ve had to rein myself in a few times already. Just because I can do another five or 10 minutes more of running on the treadmill without killing myself doesn’t mean I should. Hell, I’ve already gotten that coveted endorphin rush by then anyway, so no need to keep going. It won’t be any better by going longer, it’ll only (likely) cause me to be even more sore the next day.

And yeah, being a beginner means you get to make tons of gains! I’m so excited for you to start, too. I’ve read that as your body gets more used to what you’re doing, it takes a lot more work, and a lot more time, to improve. But for beginners? The world is our oyster. I’ve increased my running time and/or speed every single time I’ve gone to the gym so far, outside of my free weights workout on Sunday, when I couldn’t run at all. That reminds me, tomorrow is my next free weights workout. I’m pretty psyched, but I also realize that Thursday is gonna be a b**ch. I’m still sore from Sunday, and tomorrow will test those muscles even more. But whatever, no pain no gain, right?

And I’m so glad to hear that you’ve overcome the notion that you’re a sh*tty person, rather than someone with a disease. To be honest, I still wrestle with that question in my mind. The ridiculousness of much of what AA teaches shattered my ability to believe that this is a disease (it’s a neurochemical problem, but we get better by praying and meeting with each other every day. Huh?). I’m still working on that. But you’ve proven yourself to be a genuine, intelligent, capable, caring person, who just couldn’t get it together until you had the right tools. And now you do

I hope you got done what you needed to get done today in the yard. I don’t have too much else to say tonight. Work was the usual, but then I got to go to the gym, and by the time I left, I felt like a goddess who could do anything (thank you endorphin rush). Seriously, I came home and told my husband “I love my life,” with a big smile on my face. I am so grateful to have my car, in general of course, but especially now. Tomorrow we’re having a cold front come in with wind gusts of 30-40 mph. The expected wind chill is anywhere from -20 to -30 degrees. Brrrr! That’s quite unusual; that kind of cold isn’t supposed to happen where I live. That’s more the usual for Canada.

Anyway, THANK ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE UNIVERSE that I have my car and I won’t be waiting for an ungodly amount of time outside in that miserable, blustery mess. OK, I went on about as long as I did last night, so I’ll stop now. I won’t apologize, but I feel like I should. Ugh! How are some people so concise? Anyway, I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oh my, woman, you're makin' my heart sing. Sorry to gush. But I feel like I've been right around where you are and it's a lovely thing to see. If that makes you uncomfortable, then perhaps it's just better if I write that I feel ya' sister.

...

hmmm. I feel as though I've gotten completely off track. I'm going to post this, even though it's not quite right and I will likely regret it. On second thought, no I won't. These things are too important for me to be all blah, blah, blah about it. Tomorrow, then, or later today.

Man, we didn't get nearly what I wanted to get done yesterday. We went to a furniture store that was closing instead. What a waste. I'm pretty sure it's why I'm feeling particularly scattered this morning. T minus 5 and counting before the beginning of the semester and this one is going to be a doozy. It's already stacking up to be completely discombobulated, related to scheduling, and I'm not a woman who handles schedule changes well. Give me routine! For the love of all good things! pffft. Plus, there's the chemistry class which I've saved until last. That's going to hurt a bit, I think. Maybe I'll love it? Still, tons of work.

Babble, babble, babble. I'm out to go do something, anything, to get my mind focused again. Or I'm not going to get my marshmallows.

I almost can't wait to go the gym this morning because of you. Thanks, again. Woot! (It's so exciting to think about fitting into my clothes again! I mean, I want to be strong, but I bought a ton of [cute] clothes when I was working out and I haven't been able to wear them this year.)

I know I had to erase all the stuff I wrote, but man, you're in a good place, Lis. Keep looking for really good stuff. The universe sings when you start singing to it. just sayin'

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Ne. I appreciate the sentiment And then you just made curious about what you were gonna say. Either say it, or delete the whole reference to it, dammit! Unfortunately, school never comes with *real* routines; the schedule is different every semester. But you’re almost done!!! That’s reason to celebrate in itself. And don’t worry about chemistry. You just have to go into it with the right mindset. Personally, I loved all of the chemistry courses that I took, but then again, I’m a nerd. And if you ever need a tutor, just let me know. I love breaking it down in an easily digestible way.

Not too many people in my life know this, but I’m a high school drop out. I never took chemistry in high school. My only exposure was through my various courses in college, and because of the passion I had at the time, I absorbed it by breaking everything down into easily understandable pieces. I learned how to make sense of something that at first seemed insurmountable (in Gen. Chem. 101 anyway. After that I knew what to do). I would be more than happy to impart my learned experience. You know how to reach me if you have any questions/problems you wanna talk about.

Anyway, I’ll stop being a science geek now. I really hope your first workout was a good one. I can’t wait to hear about it!

Other than that, where is everybody? Stuck, dun, kronk - are you guys doing OK? And bk, I don’t know if you even read anymore, but I really hope you come back soon.

Anyway, I had a good day. My workout was once again an improvement over the last. Tonight was weights night. I managed to do an extra set of squats, albeit at the same weight. And I increased my deadlift weight by a total of 10 pounds (each dumbbell was five pounds heavier than the last time)! The shoulder presses were the same, but that’s fine. I still felt thoroughly worked out, and I need to be very careful with any over the head type of exercise, anyway, because of my shoulder problems. It’s a good day. I hope you all have a great night :hug:

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I love the marshmallow test analogy and I'm glad that you found it. There's some really good stuff in that thread, though I (personally) don't like the diet stuff at all. It turns out that Martin whats-his-name is kind of an ass, too. (Though if Lo0p were still around, I wouldn't write that. It would make him angry.) Anyway. The points, and the thoughts about how to focus on progress not perfection, are good ones.

From here on out, I??m going to focus only on what I can add to my life, and what I??m currently doing and enjoying, rather than focus on drinking, and the fact that I haven??t gotten my sh*t together yet.

YES! Fill your mind with things that aren??t negative. My biggest regrets, the only ones I still carry with me, are related to how hard I was on myself. The shame and guilt I felt led to a lifetime of waste and really bad decisions because my self-worth was abysmal. Turns out I had a disease I could fix with a pill. The minute I realized that, I was free from a whole lot of drama that had swirled around in my mind for decades. In so many ways, what I got out of AA really stunted my growth. Not just because I was one of the ones that didn't focus on sobriety so much as on the fact that I couldn't drink ever, ever again. Also because it isn't productive for me to look at all the ways I was lousy. I'm so thankful I don't have to live like that anymore.



I want to clarify something about what you said related to AA, though. Turns out that the people who are the most successful in AA are the ones with the most religiosity. Those, and the ones who use it as a social network. Having a social network, and a sense of something bigger than oneself, actually changes brain chemistry. (The links are tenuous and the research wasn??t absolutely conclusive, but it was thought provoking.) This goes back to filling your mind with positive things, though. It??s a game-changer if you can focus on productive things and let the past go. Very hard for most people, but I didn??t really go through that. The very minute I had the baclofen-disease epiphany it freed me from most of that stuff. (It also puts a lot of pressure on my choices now. I know that I made a lot of negative choices when I was sick, because I was sick. I don??t have that excuse anymore.)



I like the idea of paying it forward to myself. What can I do today that will make me feel good tomorrow? It??s not drinking, or sitting on the couch, that??s for sure. On the other hand, I fail the marshmallow test on a daily basis, opting for the easier solution based on immediate wants. Whatever. It??s human nature and I??m only partly superhero.



I have the attention span of a flea at the moment, which is really frustrating and doesn??t bode well for this semester. Add to it that it??s not just the beginning-of-the-semester-blues, but a function of the disorganization of the program I??m in that I??m more than a little nervous about doing well. It would be a serious bummer to freak the fuck out. My mind does that to me when everything is discombobulated. Exercise should help (please, please, please!). I had a lousy workout yesterday because I forgot my ipod. I spent 20 minutes on the treadmill, just because I said I would. Today, however, is going to be a different story.



I wouldn??t worry so much about a hard and fast quit date, Lis. Don??t get me wrong, I want you to quit drinking. But mostly, I want you to not want to drink and be (relatively) comfortable with that decision. Baclofen does that. Have you thought about tapering again? I was amazed how well that worked for you the last time.



Alright, I have to brave the below-freezing temps to run up to the store to get smokes. I am so jealous of those of you who don't smoke. I started long before I picked up my first drink, and if anything, it is a larger part of who I am than booze was. Good thing I don't want to live forever. pffft.



I tore my house apart yesterday in an effort to get organized. (Why does it work like that?) And today I think I can get most of it back in order. Hopefully. We also got a bunch of stuff for class that we were supposed to get in early December, and it turns out I have a month's worth of homework to do before class on Monday. It's a bummer to have professors that are functionally illiterate when it comes to computers.



I'm out! Hope it's a good day!

[kronkcarr]

Turns out I had a disease I could fix with a pill. The minute I realized that, I was free from a whole lot of drama that had swirled around in my mind for decades.

I want to clarify something about what you said related to AA, though. Turns out that the people who are the most successful in AA are the ones with the most religiosity. Those, and the ones who use it as a social network. Having a social network, and a sense of something bigger than oneself, actually changes brain chemistry. (The links are tenuous and the research wasn’t absolutely conclusive, but it was thought provoking.)

I like the idea of paying it forward to myself. What can I do today that will make me feel good

Ne, I hope you don't mind that I chopped your post to highlight the parts that touched me. I'd not thought of bac getting rid of our drama. I like that. My drinking and drama was centered around love relationships and what a mess I always made--bad choices all around most likely because I had very little self esteem.

The link between being sober or leading a happy life and religion isn't so tenuous. Five or six years ago I took a week long class at Duke University (Spirituality and Health--or something like that). Dr. Harold Koenig has spent years researching and proving the link. I don't like the connection with religion but I don't mind the spiritual one.

I pay it forward often for others but hadn't thought to do it for myself. Thanks for that.

Things are ok here. I'm busy with work and running my son around so nothing much to report.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

The link between being sober or leading a happy life and religion isn't so tenuous.

I was specifically referring to the tenuous connections made in the research paper I read about AA and how/why people were successful. It was hard for them to quantify/qualify because it was all self-reported and because of anonymity restrictions.

The connection between mind/body isn't new and isn't tenuous. John Kabat-Zinn has done a ton of research about the link between meditation and health/well-being. And that's just one of many, many examples, including Koenig.

It's like everything else in my life, though. Much easier to read about then actually do. One of my teachers here had to continuously remind me that nothing but putting my butt on the mat counted. Not reading, or thinking about it, or anything else but butt. on. matt. (or cushion or floor or whatev.)

Glad things are plugging along, Kronk. And yes, it makes sense to me that paying yourself first works out better for everyone in the long run. Not that it's easy, either.

Cheerio.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks for the encouragement, Ne. I will continue focusing on the positive things I’m adding to life. It’s interesting when you talk about AA being most successful for religious types and those using it as a social network. I’m not religious, or even spiritual (I don’t count practicing mindfulness, and being completely awed by nature, as making me a spiritual person, although perhaps I should?). The social aspect was lost on me, even though I was entirely without local friends during the last several years that I tried AA.

I found that, being a chronic relapser who would disappear for months on end only to return again, people quickly distanced themselves from me (I was always honest there. I thought that was the one place I should be honest). You know the whole idea of “stick with the winners,” which necessarily implies “stay the hell away from the losers. They’ll suck you down with them!” After my first couple relapses in the town I currently live in (and the same thing happened in the last town I lived in), the only people who would talk to me would be the people who cornered me at the end of meetings to give me a Big Book lecture, then promptly leave. I would leave meetings feeling more alone than ever.

Anyway, I’m not here to bemoan one of my many reasons for leaving AA. But I would like to say that I love you all so much :hug: I’ve felt so welcomed here (outside of the occasional troll). Granted, I’ve been steadily progressing, or at least staying at the same level, since I got here, thanks to bac. But I get the feeling that you guys would be accepting anyway. You’re awesome :hug:

I love the whole idea of paying it forward to ourselves. And don’t worry. I would fail the marshmallow test every time, too - except I don’t eat marshmallows. But I give into short term gratification more than I’d like to admit or look at. That’s why I’ve gained nine pounds since I quit smoking. I hate to admit it, but there’s a large part of me that is hoping to shed some pounds with this whole gym routine, to get back to where I was a few months ago. But the good news is that that’s not my focus at all. I actually love working out, for the sake of working out, and pushing myself to the limit (without hurting myself, of course). I feel invincible when I’m done. And I shed all those pesky anxiety, or panic-inducing, moments from my day, each time I go. On top of feeling like Sheera! (Sorry, I don’t keep up with too many non-funny or non-crime drama things on tv these days. Sheera, princess of power, is the last female superhero I’m familiar with).

I’m sorry your first workout didn’t go so well, Ne, but I hope you remembered to bring everything today How did today’s workout go? And I’m sorry you’re feeling so disorganized. That’s disgraceful that your professors only got a MONTH’S worth of work available to you within the last few days. And where, exactly, did I read this? Because I just scrolled back through your two recent posts on my thread and I can’t find it. I dunno. I swear I read it somewhere. In any case, just count your lucky stars that you’re not working right now. You can do it, you just need to buckle down a lot. You can, and will, catch up.

And I will consider tapering again, close to my quit date. Thank you for bringing that up, because I actually didn’t consider it in regards to drinking. I did the same thing with smoking. I got down to four to five cigarettes a day before I quit! I needed to ready myself in some way. I should probably do the same thing with drinking. Mentally ready myself by buying one less shot’s worth each day, when I get closer to my quit date (yeah, it’s even more expensive to buy booze that way, but it’s for a good cause).

And don’t feel bad about the smoking. For me personally, alcohol is a MUCH greater battle than smoking ever was. But, we’re all individuals. If quitting is too much for you right now, then don’t. Wait until you’re ready. And when you do, we’ll be here cheering you on.

kronk - I’m glad you’re doing well Stuck, dun - are you guys doing OK? I would love to hear from you.

Anyway, my day was alright. I had a shorter than normal workout at the gym because I had to meet my bac-prescribing doctor. But, in classic “I need to improve EACH TIME" form, I ran faster than I ever have for 20 minutes. Besides that, I drank the usual, and I’m gonna go join my husband. I hope you all have a great night!