Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Aw, Lis. Please don't feel the need to apologize. I can't find anything even remotely over-emotional, much less wrong, with what you wrote last night.

I should point you to the night when someone suggested I should go to the ED because a "psychiatric emergency is still an emergency." I think I've mentioned it already in this thread. I was just drunk...

I've got nothing. I was able to postpone my exam, again, until Friday. (It was actually at my instructor's suggestion, so that feels pretty good. Though it's unlikely to change the result.)

Tomorrow is a school day. My first in a week. I'm a little bit kerfuffled at the moment, and still not ready to write it all down. Today's a touchy day for me, anyway. pffft. So that's why I've got nothin'. Maybe on Friday?

Later, gators.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Good luck, today.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Ne. I guess because I’m feeling so overly emotional and scared about everything, I feel like it’s coming out way too much in what I write. I also wanted to get rid of the bit about what I was planning to do to help myself pass an upcoming urine screen. I just felt irresponsible talking like that and was really embarrassed of myself :blush:

And yeah, you’ve mentioned the psychiatric emergency incident before and I’m still very sorry for your former self for having to receive that message! You would think that the people in this community, of all places, would understand what it’s like to have your emotions seem completely overwhelming, courtesy of too much alcohol.

I hope school goes well tomorrow and good luck on your exam on Friday And why would switching the test day not change the result? You’ve got two more days to study!

So I did end up making it through the day AF. Hopefully, this will be the first AF day of many more to come. I’m going a little nutso, though, especially since I couldn’t even go to the gym after work as a stress/anxiety outlet.

When I did my last strength training workout, I felt a sharp twinge in my left shoulder (the structurally sound shoulder, thank god!) while attempting once again to increase the weight on my squats. I was supposed to do my next free weights workout yesterday, but my shoulder was still too iffy. It’s getting progressively better, but I’m still not sure it’s a good idea to lift weights at this point. I don’t need another injury to have to overcome. And because I ran on the treadmill twice as long as I was planning on yesterday, I decided to spare my ankles any additional stress by taking the day off from that, too.

Now that I’ve made it home without stopping at either of the liquor stores on the way, I’m pretty sure I’ll be safe for the rest of the day. Of course, I can come up with any number of excuses to my husband for why I need to go out again, but I’m gonna keep myself distracted by watching tv and reading entertaining crap online - not really the most productive use of my time, but I can’t deal with much else right now. It’s a start. Anyway, I hope you’re all having a great night!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Getting ready to get in the shower here in a minute. finally! ha.

So glad about your AF night, Lis. I don't think that your posts are fraught, at all. I'm sorry you're feeling so AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! All the more reason to try and break these things down into manageable bits. I like to think of this little area as the planning stage...

What's up with increasing the weights/time every time you go to the gym?

[Lostinspace]

Ne - I’m not sure what’s up with my feeling that I need to increase my weight/time almost every time I go to the gym, but I’m starting to realize, more and more, that that mindset needs to go. I re-strained my shoulder tonight on my very first attempt to lift dumbbells off the rack, because I just wasn’t ready yet. Right now, it looks like I’ll have to take some time off of the weights, much like I recently did with running :/ I guess “slow and steady wins the race” is something I need to make my gym motto from here on out.

Anyway, I hope school went well today, and that you’re otherwise doing OK.

I did end up giving in to drinking tonight - shocking, I know. For whatever reason, the internal battle was a lot stronger today than yesterday. I had been struggling with trying to talk myself out of it all afternoon before leaving work. Then after my failed workout at the gym, I had 45 minutes to wait until my evening psychiatrist appointment. So I tried to do some mindfulness meditation and ground myself, but I just couldn’t focus my mind. When the appointment was over, I headed straight to the liquor store.

I’m gonna try again tomorrow. In the meantime, I’m absolutely sick to death of hearing my own "voice." Please someone else jump in. dun, kronk, Stuck (if you’re still reading right now), how are you guys doing? And Ne, I know you probably won’t check in before it’s all over, but good luck on your exam! I hope everyone has a great night.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I had a really good day at school yesterday. I really like some of the people I'm in class with. And I told a couple of them that I'm really struggling. Their responses were amazing. I really hope that I don't fail today's exam so badly that I fail the class. (ha! No pressure or catastrophizing there, huh?) I'm sure it will be...fine. hahahahahahaha. Just kidding. It's gonna suck.

Anyway. I completely understand about being in your own head. Have you read JoannaD's thread from start to finish? Even if you have, it might be a good idea to read it again. Her story is very much like yours.

Kronk, I wasn't meaning to imply that you aren't one of us. ha, again! You're definitely in this exclusive little club we have, lucky you. I think we've covered that ground extensively on other threads. ugh. Which is why I wanted to specifically bring it up again. I envy the people who, for whatever reason, didn't get as far down the slippery slope as I did. I wonder, too, what it would have been like to have kids. Not to get all deep and stuff, but it is the one regret I have that I can't do anything about at this late date. When I'm wallowing in my regrets and shames, that one weighs heavy. I was too scared that I couldn't stay sober long enough to actually have a healthy kid, and then too worried about what it's life would be like if I could. Then...baclofen at age 40. (Don't worry, we covered all the bases, but decided that dogs were a better option. We don't really like having a baby-puppy, and they grow out of the super-needy/annoying faze in about 6 months. Can't imagine what we would do with an infant. Can't put them in a crate and leave the house!) Anyway, that was quite a tangent.

Sooo...I'm back to pretending to study for the next couple of hours. Then exam. Then salon and shopping. I have a big date tomorrow night! It's a work function for Ed, but there are two chicks that will be there whom [who?] I really like. And I have a married-girl-crush on the husband of one of them. We nerded out about sci-fi and science in general last time we were together. Our spouses were rolling their eyes. It was super-fun. Nice to be around people our age who are not raising kids, and are more...grown up.

That's all from me, this morning. Hang in everyone.

[kronkcarr]

Ne, thanks. I didn't take your remarks that way. I was trying to say that I don't have much to offer Lis because my route wasn't like hers. I was so damn tired of ruining relationships the same way I always did--don't speak up, take people's crap, drink too much and overly speak up--that I was on board to not drink alone nightly. Only once did I have a battle with myself about not drinking. I listened to music and happened along this song that became my theme song for a bit:

http://youtu.be/mPBCO17bFms

I cried and bitched and journaled and got through it. I gained confidence and moved forward.

Ne, good luck today. Happy weekend!

[kronkcarr]

My first baclofen theme song:

http://youtu.be/wqSXfDNP9C4

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Oh, man, I'd forgotten about that song, Kronk. I like it. Thanks for the rec. Music was a huge outlet for me, too. In fact, my first "big" purchase (funny to think of it now) was an ipod. It's funny because back then, $150 was a big purchase. Now we own a house. $150 feels like getting off easy. (That, and our tastes in electronics and play things have gotten much more expensive. It's a well known fact, that with increase in $$$--mostly thanks to being sober--comes increase in expectations.) Anyway, the music was both catalyst and catharsis. I spent all of my free time with earbuds in.

I think that our journeys may differ a little bit, but the similarities outrank the differences.

Failed the test, but apparently I'm in good company. Highest grade in the class just passed, so our expectation is that she'll curve it. Biggest relief just to get it done! Have another exam on Monday and the makeup stuff for the other class, but all in all, feeling much better. Especially since my little group of new found friends rallied and sent text messages to support/cheer me on. I woke up to them on Friday morning. Quite extraordinary, I have to say.

Big plans for today! I'm meeting my (former?) bff for coffee and shopping this morning, and the evening at Ed's work function thing. Still trying to figure out what to wear to that. But at least it doesn't feel overwhelming. Will squeeze my body into something, and also squeeze in studying...

Hope you're hanging in there, Lis. It does get better.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I had a really nice day and night yesterday. Spent way too much money at the mall, spent some time with Ed, then out to dinner with friends, then to the basketball game. Fun! So nice to be out of the house! And with people! Who knew?

I heard from JoannaD yesterday! She's trying to figure out how to log back in. I need to find the email address for her. Anyone have that handy? I think I saw a thread about it in General Discussion, and will check there shortly.

I'm just going to keep talking to myself until you peeps come out to play.

Hope it's been a good weekend, everyone.

[Lostinspace]

Ne - I’m sorry for the radio silence recently. I’ve just been having a really hard time posting. Anyway, I’m glad you had such a good time yesterday. That’s so great to hear that you got out and did so many different things - and that you actually enjoyed them That’s a long way from not being able to get off the couch. I hope things are finally turning around for you.

And I’m so glad to hear that you’ve found a group of fellow students that you can relate to, and that can help encourage and support you along the way. That will go a long way towards making it through the semester. And don’t worry for a minute about that last exam. Your professor WILL curve the exam, given that failing an entire class, save for one student who just barely passed, reflects poorly on the professor, not the students. They won’t let that happen.

That’s so cool that you heard from JoannaD yesterday. I never did make it all the way through her thread, so I guess I’ll go take another look at it. Thanks for the suggestion. And good luck on your exam tomorrow!

kronk - Thanks so much for the music, especially that first song. I’ve heard it many times before, but never saw the lyrics spelled out like that, so the chorus was the only part I really heard and understood. It’s definitely a good theme song to have in the beginning.

Nothing much has changed for me the last couple days, so I’ll just leave it at that. Posting about my continued failures is only making my self-esteem, and my hope, take a serious nosedive lately.

Anyway, I hope you’re all having a nice weekend.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Dude. The only person around here that thinks you're a failure is you. You'll quit when you quit. Quit stressing about it. (Ha, as if. But it's sound advice even if it is impossible and annoying.)

Skip to the part of JoannaD's thread when she was taking a whole lot of baclofen, couldn't stop drinking even though she kept setting herself up to do it, and was smoking on top of it, which made her feel worse. She was fairly convinced she was going to be one of the ones that didn't make it, and was incredibly hard on herself.

It looks as though I may have been given another reprieve from the universe. I will hardly believe it's true until I hear for sure, because really it's just too good after all the good things that have happened so far this semester. It sounds like my instructor is going to postpone our exam by a week. I have no idea why, other than the fact that I desperately need this little gift. Enormous gift. (It certainly has nothing to do with me. But I'll take it if it's true.)

And it's 68 degrees outside right now. Holy wow. Cross your fingers for me, will ya'?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Also, please be kind to yourself, Lis. 325 is no joke, regardless of whether you are experiencing noticeable side effects. It's more important than ever that you are gentle, and focused, and just nice to yourself. Pretend as though you have the flu. Or better yet, are in chemotherapy fighting a life-threatening illness and focusing on all that is beautiful and kind and good in the world so you can keep your strength up. (Like the fact that my exam may be postponed. ) 'Cause it's true.

[StuckinLA]

Hi everyone. Just lost a post but not much of one. Anyway.

Ne, if you can't dig up Joanna's email give me a call. I'm FB friends with her and will send her a message.

All in all, things here are things. Haven't been able to kick the booze, the girl's not pleased about that, and life goes on. Hope everyone is well.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Stuck, I'm sorry that things are rocky. I did reach Joanna and sent her the email to get her account reset. (And finally got mine straightened out, too!) I hope that you can pull out of this soon-ish. It's got to be painful. I'm not being judge-y! And I get just being in a...place. It's hard. I'm really glad you checked in, it's nice to hear from you.

I had a really, really lousy night last night. I've stopped taking anything to help me sleep. Tired of struggling with it, and not willing to go down the road of becoming dependent on yet another thing, especially without a doctor's prescription. Which means waking in the middle of the night and having to be really careful about my thoughts. I have always had two things I obsess about that are clear indications that it's all in my head. The dog, and the husband. Right now the husband seems fit, so of course, I'm convinced the dog is dying. It's about the poisoned rodents, and whether or not she's getting sick from them. It's nonsensical and irrational for several reasons. But I had to spend several minutes convincing myself of the fact last night, just to keep from waking Ed and insisting that we get her to the vet ASAP. Oh, brain, when will you let me be??? The good news is that I did get control of the thoughts, and went back to bed and slept soundly after that.

Woke up late, but with bells on, and had a really good day. Exam was cancelled, as was class. I hate that I'm so public about being thrilled about being a slacker. But you know what? I needed the break(s) and it's amazing that they've happened. Unheard of, really. So yay!

I didn't take the opportunity to watch the videos on the link Kronk posted. Wish I had, though my reaction would probably have been similar to Dun's. (hahahaha! Your reaction made me smile.) I'm just not in the best place to listen to that stuff. Who knows, maybe I'll try to tune in before it ends...I think tomorrow? Or maybe buy the downloads or something to listen to over spring break. (I can't imagine they're not for sale! <sigh>) It's been a long time since I've read or listened to anything new in the field, and would certainly be interested in something actually new. I'm still really ambivalent about Mate. I tend to think of him more on the Dr. Oz/Dr. Phill/Chopra spectrum. Oprah-acolytes who sold out for BIIIGGG $$$$$. With easy answers to complex problems.

Anyway, that's enough of a soliloquy from me. I've got my first hospital clinical tomorrow in the PICU/NICU. Work to get done tonight for that, including focusing on getting real sleep tonight. It could be a fraught day without either of those things.