Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Hey Stuck! I'm doing pretty well actually. Finished my taper (finally!) and today is my first day AF. Work is driving me nuts as usual, but at least I now have four days off. I leave early tomorrow morning to go down to my cousin's wedding and won't be back until Sunday night. A change of scenery is always nice. How are things going with the move-in? Are you getting a little more settled yet? Hope you're getting at least a little time to yourself to breathe. :l

So I saw my doctor today. It went pretty well, actually. I presented the articles I brought to him. He very reluctantly said he's willing to increase my bac dosage to a degree (he didn't say what that meant and I was afraid to ask). For now, he's increasing my dose to 120 mg. I didn't tell him, of course, that because of the stockpile I accumulated when I wasn't taking bac too regularly, if at all, that I'm already at 120 mg. I know for a fact that this is not my switch dose. But, he said he'll up the dose for now and, when I see him again in a month, we'll reassess where I'm at. (Hopefully that means he'll be willing to further increase the dose). All around, I think today was a win.

[StuckinLA]

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Lostinspace;1678279 wrote: All around, I think today was a win.

The doc's receptive to more bac AND you're on Day 1 AF!!!! Fuck yes, this day is a win, lady!!

(I won't count your days but I'm just so excited and happy that you finished your taper. You worked so hard at it, and stuck it out, and that part's behind you now so just had to give you a big shout out for day 1.)

Anyway, things are pretty good here. I'll be back soon to update more, maybe later today, maybe tonight. :heart:

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Stuck! It definitely feels good to be done with the taper. Just finishing up day 2 now AF. I don't plan on counting the days for too long as I feel this gives drinking too much power. It kind of makes it feel like a prison sentence, to focus on how many days I've gone without, rather than something to be proud of. I know many people find it helpful, but I'm still struggling pretty bad with cravings atm. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Anyway, I'm glad things are going well with you. Hope to hear from you soon. :l

[NotHappyHourHappyLife]

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Hello LIS... just wanted to reach out and let you know that I'm pulling for you, too. :l I'm almost 50 and it's taken me until this year to finally address my alcohol problems. I was here about 5 years ago and drifted away to "moderate". Didn't work.

I understand the tension between husband and wife, but I was the one that caused it- we've been married for almost 20 years. I told my husband he had to choose between me and "him"... and as childish as it sounds, I put my wedding ring near his other best friend (Captain Morgan) . I wrote a post it note and put it on the bottle... "Alcohol does not love you. I Love You". My husband quit drinking and became a stranger to me- we didn't need air conditioning in the bedroom anymore, ha ha. It's been since March... and we are closer to "normal" if there is such a thing. We are finally finding each other again. I don't think I handled his drinking the "right way", but I did it the only way I knew how, for if there was someone who could unintentionally sabotage my Quitting, it was him. He is my best friend. He knows me better than anyone, and I love him dearly... but I couldn't have him condone my drinking anymore. We were Lost, like you, but we are making it.

You haven't mentioned whether your husband drinks at all, or if he can moderate without a problem? Are you trying to do this without him knowing how hard it is for you? If he knew how hard you were struggling, don't you think he would help you? He is still there. He loves you, LiS. Hug your husband... tell him you are trying.

Virtual hugs to you over the weekend.
Drink lots of water. Eat ice cream or dark chocolate. Iced Coffee... there are options.

KNOW that you will feel cravings, but also KNOW that they will subside.
Take it 10 minutes at a time.

:groupluv: Patty

[StuckinLA]

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I don't count days either, much, but can't help keeping a vague sense of it in my head and occasionally count back on the calendar. Whatever. I have not been a very good boyfriend the last couple days. Our first night I got kinda drunk and then high, watching some tv in bed with her. Then last night a bit tipsy but it was better than the night before. Just feeling a little overwhelmed and hiding my thoughts and feelings in a bottle and feeling kind of down. Some of that is letdown, of course, after all the buildup and the expectations and then people being here and then leaving and now it's just the 2 of us. Like, what now?

What now is cleaning and straightening and getting the apartment in order, which is going surprisingly smoothly for the most part. And eating dinner together. And trying to get back to work. It's an adjustment is all. I'll get myself sorted out soon, and I've promised myself (but not told her yet) that as of tomorrow I will no longer smoke inside the apartment. It'll be a nice gesture for her, and I have got to cut back with an eye toward quitting sometime in the near future, so this'll be a good first step.

Happy fourth, everybody in the US. Happy random midsummer day, everyone else. Hope you're having a good one, Lis.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks NotHappyHour. I am also (most definitely) the one who has caused problems in my marriage, pretty much solely through my drinking, and the way that I act while in blackouts. (I have no reason to doubt my husband's claims about how I can act in that state, either, because he once tape recorded me during an argument many years ago. I couldn't believe the nasty, horrible things coming out of my mouth)! He does drink occasionally, in moderation. It's not a problem for him. I haven't talked to him about how much I'm struggling right now because he has heard it too many times before. In the 13 years that we've been married, he has seen me go through four rehabs and even more detoxes. He was sympathetic in the beginning. At this point, he doesn't want to hear that I'm trying. He just wants to see evidence that I'm actually changing - for good - and not for a week or a month. But you're right. I know he does love me because he IS still here. I just need to make things right this time. Thank you for the virtual hugs. And yes, I am drinking lots of water (and soda and slurpees - that whole thing about replacing alcohol with sugar seems to be true!). Thank you for reaching out. :l

Stuck - I'm so sorry you're feeling overwhelmed and down right now. I can understand what you mean about the letdown after having such a big buildup to the move-in. Try not to be too hard on yourself. At least last night was better than the night before. You're going through an adjustment, as you said, so it makes sense that you would deal with it the best way you know how - to drink away the negative thoughts and feelings. Can you talk to her about all the things you have going through your mind instead of drinking or is it a lot of doubt about having her there (or other things that might hurt the relationship)? In any case, not smoking inside would be a nice gesture to show her you care. And you don't even need to tell her you're making the change - just do it and let your actions speak. I hope you're feeling better soon. Take care of yourself. :l:l:l

I made it through yet another day AF - spent most of the day with family and other guests of tomorrow's wedding. Feels kind of strange, yet today went surprisingly well. Like, you mean I can actually interact with my family and others and not have it be super weird and uncomfortable without being in alcohol-induced fog? Huh! Who would've thought?

[spiritwolf333]

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Hi lost and happy -thanks for your reminder posts. As you both already know, the illusion of the the benefit of alcohol is so powerful that our minds can damn near go mad without that first to many drinks. My biggest deterrent to drinking (pre-baclofen) was always eating first and then my brain would auto cycle down the "illusional" need for alcohol.

Peace to you both.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Spirit. Yes, being well-fed can lessen cravings a little bit. This is something I need to work on - to remember that when my stomach feels empty, and my tummy's rumbling, I need to fill it with food, not booze.

[caro/3]

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Hi LIS,

Well done on your AF time. Really pleased things are beginning to turn out well for you.

Caro x

[StuckinLA]

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Things are going to be OK. I cleaned all the ashtrays this morning and put them away in a cabinet under the sink. So far today I've probably smoked 2 or maybe even 3 cigarettes fewer than I would have at this point in the day, and I've been writing even, when I usually smoke a ton.

We went out to watch fireworks last night, which was nice but not something I would have done given the choice. I've been drinking every day. I don't know, I think about a glass of bourbon like all day, then once it's in my hand I don't entirely feel like drinking it. I haven't been getting hangovers or withdrawal, yet. Not sure what my blood pressure is but it's probably high and I think after a friend's birthday party today and then the rest of the weekend, I may try to go back to abstinence next week. We'll see.

Everything is so hot here, and there's no air conditioning, and I don't want to touch anything. That does not make for the nicest intimate times with my GF who just moved in, of course. I keep trying to look at her as my GF; so far I'm seeing more a person who's upturned my life completely. Not sure if it's her, me, the heat, all the stuff slowly finding a new home in the apartment, or what. I did talk to her a little about it last night, waiting for the fireworks, about feeling overwhelmed and like pressured to make sure she's not bored. I know that pressure is self-imposed, and I told her as much. We're simply going to have to keep adjusting and wait. Wait for me to start getting paid again, for her to find a job, then move on to the next thing - finding a new place and doing the move all over again. I'm still in the stage of continually asking myself What The Fuck Did I Do? I'm sure that will fade with time.

Hope you're having a good one today, Lis. The get together with the family sounded pretty nice. Keep on keepin' on, sister. :l

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Caro! I appreciate your stopping by to say that.

Stuck - Glad you're sticking to cutting back on the smoking. I need to do that myself. My husband, as well, would appreciate if I stopped, or at least slowed way down. And that's good that you don't entirely feel like drinking that bourbon once you actually get it. It sounds like just old habit rearing its ugly head. You can get back to abstinence when you feel ready. I hope things get easier with the GF. It can always feel awkward, or even intrusive, to suddenly have someone living with you after being used to having your own place. I imagine that feeling would only be magnified when that person is coming from a long distance away. And that pressure you feel to make sure she's not bored? She's probably feeling it, too. It'll take time to adjust. Don't worry about those "what the fuck did I do?!" thoughts. I would say that's pretty normal at this point. I wish you the best as you two get used to each other. Hope you have a good night. :l

I had another day AF. I spent the day at my cousin's wedding, actually adding to the day, rather than being an atrocious embarrassment.

[Pie]

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StuckinLA;1679354 wrote: T

Everything is so hot here, and there's no air conditioning, and I don't want to touch anything. That does not make for the nicest intimate times with my GF who just moved in, of course. I keep trying to look at her as my GF; so far I'm seeing more a person who's upturned my life completely.
:l

You sound pretty uncomfortable, Stuck. Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe not. In any event, thanks for posting.

Pie

[StuckinLA]

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Hello all. Hope things are going well. Just a quickie from me tonight. Woke up yesterday morning pretty hungover down at my friends' place. The GF and I spent the night on an air mattress, which sucked. But we did have fun at my buddy's birthday - they sang karaoke. Anyway I also woke up with a stupid head cold and I am feeling like proper crap yesterday and today. Had some Baileys in my coffee yesterday morning to take the edge off, but except for that today is day 2 AF. About to roll over and get some sleep I think. Take care out there.

[Lostinspace]

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Stuck! It's so good to see you here, as always. It sounds like you're feeling a little better, outside of the head cold. I really hope that's the case. And I can empathize with being sick. I have a bad chest cold right now, which not only makes me cranky at work by itself (no, taking time off is not an option right now), but I also can't smoke. I feel like my lungs would burst into flames if I even tried. Anyway, that's great that you have 2 days AF. I, on the other hand, broke my AF streak both yesterday and today. Not too terribly, though. I was upset at myself yesterday, but today, I'm actually feeling a little encouraged. Yesterday, I bought a 200 ml bottle of vodka and another 200 ml bottle of bourbon, which is not all that much for me. I actually didn't even feel the need to finish it all that badly. I mostly did because it was there, and well, habit. Today I only bought a 200 ml bottle of vodka and a single shot bottle of bourbon. I don't regret not buying more. I think the increase in dose of baclofen is actually working somewhat. I haven't hit my switch, but I'm not craving as much as I used to. Of course I think having AF time aids in that process (at least having 5 days away from the bottle seemed to help me gain a little ground), so I'm trying to make that my goal. I'd like to hit my switch at as low a dose, and with as few side effects, as possible (although, I've actually had NO side effects so far - yay!). Sorry, once again I've written a short novel. That'll be a new goal for me - to be more concise. Anyway, I hope you're doing well and hope to hear from you soon. :l

EDIT: Another new goal - to put some breaks in (i.e. new paragraphs) when I do write a lot. I just don't know where. Sorry Stuck! As a writer, my posts probably make your eyes bleed!

[StuckinLA]

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That doesn't sound too bad, Lis. I didn't realize you had 5 days between finishing your taper and the couple of teeny little bottles the other day. Good for you - seriously - I am sort of a believer in the 'every day counts' thing, and it *is* helpful to have even a couple days without booze to kind of remind yourself that it is possible. As for how that actually works, with the body and brain and withdrawal, I have no idea. But it sounds good, no?

I'm hanging in there. Haven't checked my blood pressure, because I don't want to know as I'm sure it's high and it would only add worries to my already not inconsiderable anxiety. And there've been some trouble sleeping and cold sweats at night, but that could also be this cold. It's a little more than just in the head, some chest congestion and everything kind of aches, and of course I assume this means I'm finally dying right now. It's not bad enough to keep me from smoking though, so that's good (and bad), but I am cutting back it feels like. Between not feeling so hot and going outside now for every cigarette, it's making it easier not to smoke as much. I am hopeful that with enough time the smoking triggers will start to fade a little bit, the way they did after enough time not being allowed to smoke in bars. Weird, right, how now sitting down at a bar you don't even *think* about lighting up? You just go out for one between each drink or whatever little system you worked out in those first months after the bars went non-smoking.

Whatever, so like I said still not feeling great and the off-balance feeling of the cold plus I'm sure a little residual withdrawal is giving me some anxiety and I'm just trying to get a little bit of writing done here and there before digging in to work on school stuff next week. Days grind on. Not drinking hasn't been difficult because of how shite I'm feeling, but I couldn't sleep last night at all. After realizing the GF and I haven't been physical at all much except for a little tipsy making out on that air mattress in my buddy's living room, even though I'm sick and feeling gross and sorta sweaty and icky, I figured she was probably feeling a little unloved so - OK, so I started writing there and now realize to finish this sentence we're getting into the TMI territory, earmuffs if you don't want to hear - anyway so [EDIT: never mind, y'all get the idea] and she slept like a rock the rest of the night. I couldn't sleep at all, got up and got high and did a little writing in the living room until about 1 in the morning. Then realized I was *way* higher than I thought, and about to be sleepy.

She just left this morning to visit a friend of a friend who lives up in the valley. It made me think about how one of these days pretty soon she's going to have a real job that she's going to have to get up and go to in the mornings, and I started getting really worried (paranoid) about her sleep when I can't sleep, and thinking I was going to be keeping her up or ruining her sleep or whatever by getting up and being awake in the living room and then finally getting back into bed. I asked this morning, and I guess that's not the case - she says she slept fine.

That's about it from me for now. Going to figure out what to do here with most of this day to myself. Sit at desk. Stare at computer. Place fingers on keyboard. Deeply search abyss of soul for inspiring words. Type inspiring words in gorgeously rhythmic and poetic order. Elevate humankind with the glorious power of high literature. Then play Xbox and look at internet porn.

Hope you're getting over your cold and feeling better and having a good one, Lis. Don't feel bad about drinking if you drink, but don't feel like you have to drink more than you want because that doesn't have to happen anymore (or won't soon!). :l:l:l