Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks Stuck. Yes, those AF days do seem to help, not only to remind me that it's possible, but, I believe they also help in the slow rewiring of my brain towards new habits (which I know doesn't happen overnight, but hopefully won't take too long to start to feel natural). I'm sorry you're still sick and miserable. I'm right there with you. I could barely sleep last night because I was coughing too much.

And good for you for cutting back on the smoking, however it happens, whether on purpose and/or incidentally. Those triggers do fade. I once quit, years ago. It took about three months to fully stop responding to certain cues without wanting a cigarette, but I eventually did stop caring about smoking altogether. That's not to say that the whole three months was painful. It certainly wasn't. It was more like certain things would happen (like finishing eating something or a break at work), and I would wonder what to do with myself, that's all. Too bad I picked that habit back up again during a stressful period in my life.

That's interesting that being sick makes it easier for you not to drink. I always found feeling like shite to be the perfect excuse to drink even more (probably not a good thing, as my body needs to heal when sick). I wonder if that's what pushed me to break my AF streak on Monday, in addition to the usual stress and frustration of work, plus having to spend 3 and a half hours a day commuting to and from a job that would only take 30 minutes, round-trip, to commute to if I could drive. Sorry. Just venting. I should have had my license back nearly a year ago, but you know how these things go.

Glad to see you finally got a chance to spice things up with the GF. And you don't have to edit things out. Nothing's too TMI for me (but maybe? it is for other MWOers, so I guess it's not a bad thing that you did).

Anyway, I drank only a tiny bit more than yesterday (I bought one more shot bottle of bourbon than I did yesterday), but overall, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Prior to starting back on bac, I was drinking around 1 and a half liters of vodka and/or bourbon a day. Now, not only am I drinking a fraction of that amount, I'm not particularly bothered by it (i.e. I'm not craving more). I don't think my switch is all that far away. So much for the theory that switch dosage correlates with how much you drank, and for how long, prior to starting bac. I'm only at 120 mg! I could be wrong that I'm close to my switch, but I don't think so. Anyway, I hope you feel better with each passing day.:l:l:l

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Lostinspace;1680875 wrote:

Glad to see you finally got a chance to spice things up with the GF. And you don't have to edit things out. Nothing's too TMI for me (but maybe? it is for other MWOers, so I guess it's not a bad thing that you did).

I got put into timeout once on the topamax thread for talking about threeways too much, so I've tried to be safe rather than sorry from then on! :H

Anyway, good on you for sticking with the smaller amounts - and only buying what you're going to drink that day - I know how easy it is to grab the handle bottle, so I'm glad to hear that you're thinking things through before purchasing. And I'm also very glad to hear that you aren't craving more. Stick with it. 120 isn't chump change, but yes it is a fairly moderate dose. Crazier things have happened though! (I'm thinking of Redthread12, who went from an all-day all-night fall-down alcoholic to complete indifference with her first 30mg of baclofen. It happens.) So just stick with it and Just Keep Taking the Damned Pills!

As for me, the cold broke me. I didn't buy more cigarettes when I went out today because I felt like I couldn't breathe. Was still smoking, but ran out while home. Then the girl and I went out to see this stand up comedian read from his new memoir - as soon as we got out of the car I walked into a store for smokes. Then we had an hour to kill so grabbed a light dinner. I ordered a beer. Now I'm having a drink (maaaaaybe 2) while fixing a sinus rinse, but that's going to be it because she says I have a back massage waiting for me whenever I'm ready. So I'd better get to it!

Big hugs, sister. Talk to you tomorrow. :l:l

[tee111]

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Lostinspace;1680875 wrote:

Anyway, I drank only a tiny bit more than yesterday (I bought one more shot bottle of bourbon than I did yesterday), but overall, I'm feeling pretty hopeful. Prior to starting back on bac, I was drinking around 1 and a half liters of vodka and/or bourbon a day. Now, not only am I drinking a fraction of that amount, I'm not particularly bothered by it (i.e. I'm not craving more). I don't think my switch is all that far away. So much for the theory that switch dosage correlates with how much you drank, and for how long, prior to starting bac. I'm only at 120 mg! I could be wrong that I'm close to my switch, but I don't think so. Anyway, I hope you feel better with each passing day.:l:l:l

I never read to much into the whole how much you drank theory or even the weight thing. The more you read the more you find out there's no truth behind it. Over on the France site there is survey of 800 people and the average dose was around 150.

Petit questionnaire posologie Baclofène :: Forum alcoolisme et autres addictions - Alcoolisme et baclofène

^^^ This thread is a good read. You need to use a translation. If you use chrome it does it automatically but it gives you an idea of how all over the place the indifference dose is. I weight 180lb and was drinking about 6lt of 5% beer a night or more if drinking all day. I'm at 100mg and my cravings have dropped to nearly non excistint.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

OHMYGOD sinus rinses are SO gross!

Helpful, though, not gonna lie. I definitely feel better after flushing out my head and a couple nips of Grandad's cough syrup (bourbon). Oh and a back massage and then sex. That for sure helped, too.

Today is looking up - I'm feeling better, I got up early, I've been writing so far for about 2 hours with little smoke breaks here and there and coffee, listening to music on headphones, and I'm about to cook up some oatmeal for breakfast while my girl sleeps naked in bed.

Still a little stuffy and sniffling like a cokehead, but hey, things could certainly be worse.

EDIT: Oh, and hi Tee! :welcome: n' sh*t. Saw your post on your 2 weeks thread, and it was like a ride down memory lane - I had a lot of the same sleep issues (many if not most of us did) and the weird grinning like the village idiot for no reason and also the paranoia. For a short time, I thought all of MWO was like 3 people operating out of a basement in Bosnia, faking this whole thing to steal my identity. Soooooo, I guess just be mindful that your thoughts may be a little off and try to adjust.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thank you as always, for your encouragement, Stuck! Yes, buying small amounts definitely helps. Even though my cravings have gone way down, I'm pretty sure I would still drink whatever amount I end up buying because of habit. My goal is still to be AF - and I'm not sure why I even buy what I do, considering it's not even enough to get a good buzz going. It's just habit.

Habit is another beast to tackle. It's rough on workdays to develop new habits. Being stuck with public transportation in a small town is very limiting. It takes two to three hours (round-trip) to get anywhere, depending on where I want to go. So, going anywhere after work is not really doable. I'm limited to whatever I can do at home. I should have had my license back by now (it was only revoked for a year and it has now been over two years since I last drove), but you know how these things go. Sigh.

Anyway, enough about me. I'm glad you're getting over your cold and feeling better in general (I think, I hope - it sounds like it). And I'm glad you and the GF are getting better "acquainted" (I'll keep it clean so I don't get the timeout :H). Hope you have a great night! :l:l

tee - thanks so much for the link. I'll have to check it out. My comment about how much you drink, and for how long, having a correlation with the switch dose, comes from one article I read from a link on this site quite a while back. It doesn't always seem to be the case, though, fortunately. I've had quite a reduction in cravings from only 120 mg, and no noticeable side effects - which is rare for me. I'm usually the person that gets every side effect under the sun from prescription medications (not all, but by far most of the ones I've tried for various conditions). I'm so happy to hear that your cravings are practically nonexistent now. It's great to have some help, isn't it?

I drank again tonight, but only a tiny amount once again (same as yesterday). I'll get back on the AF horse eventually!

[spiritwolf333]

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Hi Lost. Is this alcohol train ride hell or not? You have experienced what sounds to be the most deadliest side of it. You know the in-s and outs of alcoholism. You already know that it takes a whole lot more than a few indifference pills to quit alcohol. I believe I have read where you want to be free of alcohol.

All of this titrating up or down or taking baclofen while you drink to find indifference is good for a minute few. Of course, I suspect you already know this. If you truly want to be free of alcohol (few alcoholics do in the beginning), then you know what you have to do. Speaking to a few who still drink that are trying to convince you that you are ok drinking while trying to find a "switch" is, well, you already know the truth to that as well.

The great thing is that you are trying to become alcohol free, you have some medical tools to help you do so, and you also realize the power of alcohol.

I continue to wish you well in you chase to freedom.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Spirit. I'm doing what I can for the moment. I will be AF soon. I was, just recently, for five days, and I will be again. I'm just not quite there yet. Tomorrow is a new day.

[spiritwolf333]

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Lost -you are alcohol free. You just don't know it yet. Once you finally feel the true freedom that comes from being free of Firewater, you will no longer recognize your old life.

Thoughts of alcohol will always be with you -if you are an alcoholic. The freedom not to act on these thoughts will be your ally. You will no longer have to worry about titrating up or down.

One day at a time -or more importantly, one thought at a time.

Peace to you.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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I'm really heartened by your successes, LIS. And even more so that you sound like you're optimistic and giving yourself room to grow into this new life.

For all that I could regret that it took me so long to get sober, I am really grateful that I had enough time and room to wrap my mind and brain around what that sobriety was going to look like. I made plans! And really started to think and dream about what I could do when my life didn't revolve around booze. And guess what? I did some of 'em! Many of them!

I still haven't travelled to Zimbabwe, or to Rotterdam. Those are still on the list. I haven't written anything. That bums me out. But I figure I'll wait until Stuck is done with his stuff, then he can teach me. (I'll wait until he has the degree. That way it'll be super impressive.)

Carry on! Hope it's a good day!

[kronkcarr]

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LIS,

Congratulations. You're doing so well. One of the best things about baclofen for me is that the thoughts of alcohol--how can I get another with no one seeing, I have to drink before the gathering just to get there, etc etc--no longer exist in my world. That's how my indifference is.

[tee111]

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Ne/Neva Eva;1681409 wrote:

For all that I could regret that it took me so long to get sober, I am really grateful that I had enough time and room to wrap my mind and brain around what that sobriety was going to look like. I made plans! And really started to think and dream about what I could do when my life didn't revolve around booze. And guess what? I did some of 'em! Many of them!

I feel the same. Its like I can do what ever the fuck I want to do and no ones gonna get in my way. This coming from someone who finds it hard to look someone in the eye when hung over.

Sounds cheesy but the world really is your oyster.

I've heard may people say that after drug or alcohol addiction your twice the person you could have been even if you hadn't gone through what you did. I'm not saying I'd wish anyone a life of addiction but if you get through the other side you've every chance of becoming a bad as mother fucker high on life

Life is like looking through rose tinted glasses. Its not all plain sailing but the problems you had when in the midst of the darkness will seem like a piece of piss when your sober and ready to deal with them head on.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Ne and kronk! And thank you, kronk, for the link in davelet's thread. That was an interesting read. I wish the rehabs I had gone to took a similar approach. Oh well. And I get what you mean, Ne, about having time to wrap your head around what a sober life would look like. I'm still struggling to imagine what mine will be like, but am excited to think about what possibilities might arise.

I hope you're right, tee, about things being even better than they would have been after moving past a life of addiction. I can't say I'm high on life yet. But I do feel a big sense of relief many times throughout the day. I don't wake up trying to remember how the night ended, trying to figure out if my husband and I got in a fight, wondering if he'll greet me with a "good morning" or a "f@ck you." I no longer freak out whenever a coworker, or my boss, stands too close to me when talking to me, worrying that they might be able to smell the booze on my breath. I struggle with anxiety to begin with, but alcohol adds so much more unnecessary stress and worry to life! I feel so much better in that regard.

I drank again tonight, but again only a small amount. I'm still encouraged, especially after reading some people's posts because (a) I don't feel like having more once I'm done with the small amount I bought and (b) if I were truly still struggling with cravings (which I barely am), there's no way in hell I would walk out of a liquor store with what amounts to 6 and a half (US) drinks. I'm definitely on my way. I plan on making this weekend AF. I really hope I make it, but I'm not going to beat myself up if I don't. I'm going to try to convince my husband to go out to the movies tomorrow. We haven't had a proper date, or even a good night together, since his explosion at me, when he said he couldn't forgive me this time. I want to work on rebuilding our relationship. I hope I'm not jumping the gun here.

[StuckinLA]

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A date sounds like a great idea, Lis! A movie and maybe something to eat - if he wants to go then awesome, if not then try another day. Everything is one day, one step, at a time. It's so nice to hear your optimism - and it's not misplaced! You are making such awesome progress already on this tough-ass road towards a life that does not revolve around alcohol.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks, Stuck. And I just talked to him - we're going out tomorrow! Maybe I'll even get a little action. My lady parts are starting to wither away. (Sorry if that's TMI). Hope you're doing well tonight. :l

[Lostinspace]

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Hi all. Sorry to fill my thread with garbage. I'm just musing on dreams to pursue once sober. I'm thinking of going back to graduate school. I started a grad program in toxicology seven years ago (funny, I know, considering all the toxic substances I drain down my throat and inhale into my lungs). Anyhoo, I was forced to take medical leave when I kept showing up to class, and the lab I worked in, reeking of alcohol. I chose not to go back after my medical leave, out of embarrassment. But now, I'm starting to regret that decision.

I don't think I want to pursue the same field (I won't get too specific because I'm still paranoid someone will find this site and "recognize" me), but I can think of other related fields that I'm really interested in. Maybe I can somehow get the letters of recommendation that I need to reapply?