Here we go again

[Stevo]

Just wanted to drop in quickly and say G'day.

I am hoping that things get better for both of you LIS and Stuck.
I have a few things to report but I am going to drop most of them into my thread,I had a big night of drinking last night and want to share my thoughts on it.
Don't have much time right now so I will post again later.

Take care.
Cheers Stevo.

[MeJustMe]

Big news over my way. I'll get to that...

LIS - I lost count of the jobs I applied for before I got my dream job. As it turns out, it would've been terrible if I had got any one of them. I hope that you will find out soon what the story is with the job.

Stuck - congrats on the Doctorate and I hope things level out for you soon.

Steveo - I hope things went okay with your drinking night.

As for me, I've been sober for six days, the longest stretch for ages. Using Antibuse and 20mg Bac per day, trait rated up yesterday to 30mg.
It has been a rollercoaster ride so far. First few days were sheer relief from awful hangovers, then my wife had a b'day and wanted to go out after dinner with a girlfriend and continue drinking. I was already feeling a bit disconnected, a bit depressed, and that made it worse.
Anyway, I'm sober at least...

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m so very sorry to hear you’re struggling so much and that things are so rough with your girlfriend. I think it’s quite understandable, even though the stress of your dissertation is over. Because now that the big project that has been consuming your life for years is done, you’re left to focus on what comes next, which can be even scarier in its own way since it’s a big unknown. Try to take care of yourself as best you can. I know alcohol wreaks havoc on your ability to sleep, but getting a solid night’s rest is so important to sanity.

I know it’s not much of a help, but do you have a couch you can crash on when you start to get restless? I used to piss off my husband all the time with my restless (non)sleeping when I was drinking heavily. I found that changing my environment, and being able to put a light on and read or watch TV, actually helped me to get back to sleep at times. And it definitely kept me from pissing my husband off. I hope you can find it within yourself to take a break from drinking for a little while. It’s hard as hell, and I know I sound like a total hypocrite, but it might help you to get out of your funk if you can keep it up for a few days. Hang in there. Sending you many :hug:

Thanks Stevo. I hope you’re doing alright as well. I’ll check back in later to see your thread.

And thanks for that MeJustMe. I’ll keep that in mind. Congratulations on six days sober, though!!! It’s gonna be a roller coaster ride at first. The Antabuse will keep you from drinking, but the baclofen will start to bring you relief from cravings as time goes on. You may still have to go up quite a ways in dosage. Many people had to go up quite a long way in dosage. But just hang in there. It will get better soon.

Anyway, I wanted to make this an AF weekend, but I already messed up today. I have high hopes tomorrow, though. It’s still unseasonably cold (by a long shot - since when are we in the low 20 degrees in late March?!), so no way of going on a hike today and actually enjoying it. Isn’t it supposed to be Spring?! Also, my husband is working today, and said he’d be too tired to do anything tonight, so I had nothing to look forward to to take my mind off all the crap rolling around in my head and tormenting me. But tomorrow, he’s taking me out to dinner and a movie, so I’m looking forward to that I promise, by all that’s beautiful in the world, I WILL stay sober tomorrow for our date.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[Lostinspace]

Hello everyone. I did end up having an AF day yesterday. It wasn't too hard either. I told my husband early in the day that I wanted to drive us for our date so that I wouldn't have to wait to warm up my Intoxalock before work today (in cold weather, if you go more than about 12 hours without driving, the unit takes a few minutes to warm up before you can blow). So there you go. The decision was made for me from that point on. I just had to deal. And we had a really nice time. We don't have a lot of money (one of the many reasons why I want to get a better job), so we don't go out often at all. The last time was Valentine's Day, a month and a half ago. It was so great to get out of the house and spend some time with him.

I told him we need to be more creative and find ways to go out more often, and he agreed. Not everything needs to be expensive, or even cost anything. We could go on a hike. When the weather gets a little warmer, we could take our portable grill and go out for a picnic down by the lake, all for the cost of some charcoal (I mean, we'd be eating anyway, so we'd just need to buy food that you can grill for that day). There are events downtown every couple months or so that cost nothing to go to. There are also often coupons floating around for a lot of other places to go.

Of course, if I could manage to cut back even further on drinking, that would also free up some cash, so that's just one more reason to keep working on it. I would feel guilty spending it on fun stuff because I have a lot of debts to pay down. But I've been steadily plugging away at them. And considering that I already put money aside for other unnecessary things (i.e. liquor), I don't think it would be any worse (actually it would be a lot better) to spend money on time together with my husband. I hope people aren't reading this and thinking that I'm completely irresponsible - ha!

I think I'll try for another AF day today. I'm going to the gym after work, and since I didn't go at all over the weekend, there's no harm in pushing myself to the limit and trying to get a good endorphin high going. Hopefully that will ease my job search nerves and help put my mind off booze. Anyway, that's enough out of me. I hope you're all having a great day!

[terryk]

That sounds great Lis - I'm really proud of you for keeping up the fight. -tk

[Lostinspace]

Awww. Thanks, tk. That means a lot. Really. And I won’t stop trying until I get it right.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find it in myself to keep from drinking tonight. I did have a pretty intense workout, like I had planned. But as soon as I stepped off the treadmill, before I even got into the locker room, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. And, of course, the familiar call to the liquor store soon followed.

I’m not exactly depressed right now. I still get up and go to work every day. I still check the job boards a couple times a day, hoping for something new to pop up. I can still force myself to go to the gym. I just feel . . . like I’ve been punched in the gut. There’s no other way to describe it. I really thought my second interview with this company had gone well. And I tend to have a very low opinion of myself, so for me to think that it went well meant that I had a pretty good vibe from these people. I thought (almost) for sure that I’d be hearing back in the next few days.

At this point, it’s been almost two weeks. I’m not sure what to do. All I can do is turn my mind off as best I can. There are NO new jobs, so it’s time to rest. Why the hell can’t I rest?!! Sorry. Anyway, I hope you all have a great night!

[Stevo]

G'day to all,
Just a quick post to drop in really and say I hope that you are all well.

I am sorry to hear about the job and job hunting LIS but I am stoked for your post before.It was so nice to read.

Hopefully back with an update on my life a bit later tonight.
Cheers Stevo.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Hiya!

Sorry for dropping off the face of the earth. It's a combination of just trying to hold it together, focusing on finishing up school, and not really knowing where or how to jump in.

I'm happy about everyone's recent successes. (Dr. Stuck!) And sorry that it's so damn hard to find a good job, Lis. But I know that you'll keep pushing along until the right things happen.

Nice to read posts from you other folks, too! (Though I have to admit I didn't go too far back.)

Hang in there, one and all. I'm doing my best, too.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I wrote a whole bunch of stuff, and then realized that I was being very hot-headed, unrelated to this thread or the people in it, so I deleted it.

Whew.

I hope it flew under the radar.

Peace out peeps. Back in a few 'morrows.

[MeJustMe]

Things have been pretty quiet in my world. I've found not drinking both a blessing and a curse. I am free of hang-overs and the fuzzy head I'd have for most of the day, and have been very organised with work. However I feel a bit flat - like life is a bit boring somehow. Since Saturday I've been on 30mg Bac p/d.

When going off AL for a while I used to obsess about other things, usually a project involving buying something. I'd spend hours on the Net looking for another car, whatever. This time I don't seem so interested in doing that, so am feeling the void left by AL even more.

I decided not to take the Antibuse yesterday morning or this morning. I can feel the need to drink again, and last night had about a glass of wine. I started to feel the effects of the Antibuse and stopped. I know I can't safely drink until the weekend, by which time the Antibuse will have washed out of my system.

Today I have felt anxious until early this afternoon. Don't know what that's about. man I hope the Bac kicks in soon...

[Stevo]

G'day to all,
Hang in there Me,dont be too anxious to titrate up too fast and it will take some time for the Baclofen to work,but when it does you will be over the moon.Remember you are still only on a very small dose.Have you had any negative SE's like nausea?I started on the same dose as you and was queezy for a few weeks.It soon went away though.I will add here that I had very few SE's because I titrated up very slowly,you may choose to do differently and find a whole different experience.Whatever happens for you be excited I think to know that you are heading in the right direction.

Not much to report from my life,I still haven't had a drink since Saturday and I have AL in the house,but it seems that I am not that interested.I think that I will be fine and last Friday nights blow out was just something that I had to do ha.
Still no word from the insurance company,I am getting a little anxious about this now.I got a call from the guy who helped me set the policies up the other day and he was quite unimpressed with the length of time that they are taking to finish the claim.He was looking for my permission to approach them himself to get some answers.I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea to have him contact them with guns blazing.I am of the opinion that if it was all over I would know about it by now.So I don't want to push them into making a rash decision that may not be in my favour.
I am continuing with the physio and exercises trying to get myself back to a healthy enough place to go back to work sooner rather than later if need be.
I am working through the backlog of ordered decks and boards that have been coming in and I sent the boards that are going to be prizes on the show off the other day.I began applying the graphics to the decks for the puppets in the animations today.
I am 40 on the 5th,so in 4 days and I always thought that my 40th would be a huge drinking fest,but I just don't see that happening.Kronkcarr mentioned her birthday in her first year on Baclofen and what she thought it was going to be,which didn't eventuate.I could relate to that as soon as I read it.I have never really had a big birthday party even on my 21st.Oh I got wasted but there was no way that my family was going to celebrate my 21st like most others do.I had well and truly destroyed any chance of them wanting to give me or help me with anything by then.Anywho I am of the opinion that my 40th will be a very quiet affair and that is fine with me.
I can't really think of much else to write,my life is not very exciting which is part of the reason that I have not been posting much.I don't want to just unload ridiculous nothings.

It was nice to see that you have posted in a few different threads Ne and am curious about something that I read earlier today,do you mind if I PM you?Welcome back too.

I hope everybody else is doing fine and I look forward to reading your future posts.
Cheers Stevo.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Stevo. I'll manage the job search somehow, and try my damnedest to stay positive in the meantime. That's so great to hear that you've gone back to not even caring about drinking! And a quiet birthday with loved ones, not involving any alcohol-induced madness, sounds like a lovely way to enter the next decade of your life. I'm sorry to hear that the insurance company still hasn't gotten back to you. Insurance companies are notoriously slow. They tend to see you as just another task in their day, rather than a human being. Hang in there and try to just focus on the physio, and getting better, as much as you can. Oh, and don't worry about not having anything profound to say just to post. You've probably noticed that my life isn't very exciting right now, either, and I still manage to ramble on

Ne!! It's so good to see you, albeit briefly I hope you're doing alright and making it through school, and the rest of life, as well as can be expected. I didn't check in last night, so I have no idea what you might have said, but I hope you're OK :hug: I look forward to seeing more of you when your life settles down a little. We all miss you!

Hang in there, MeJustMe. It's completely normal to feel flat when you give up drinking, even if that's not the way you usually coped in the past. Something that was a huge part of your life is suddenly missing and, as much as it caused a ton of problems and chaos for you, there is a sort of grieving process when you give it up. Have you tried finding a new project to get lost in? Maybe you can rekindle that passionate spirit, but there's just nothing that's jumping right out at you this time around.

It's also possible that feeling flat is a temporary side effect of bac. Have you been feeling tired or sleepy? That can surely cause a lack of motivation. But if it is that, don't worry. As your body adjusts to the medication, the side effects wear off, and you'll feel more like your old self. I know it's incredibly hard to be patient - I suck at it - but give the bac some time. You will soon start to feel a whole lot better and that need to drink will get smaller and smaller.

Not much new in my world, except I baked a cake last night to take my mind off the job search stress. It might not sound like a big deal, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've baked anything in my entire life - and nothing within at least the last decade. So it was a good distraction for me and helped me to keep my sanity for at least one night. I did drink last night as well, so no more AF days since Sunday. But I'm gonna keep trying to drum up the courage to do so and just face my problems like . . . an adult. I swear, sometimes I feel so childlike in my inability to cope with life. But I'm a work in progress, and I'll get it right eventually. Anyway, I hope you all have a great day!

[StuckinLA]

Yep, you're definitely under the radar, Ne. But good to see you nevertheless.

So things are going on here. And not going in the right direction. Stayed AF on Sunday, since Sunday night seems to be when everything goes to hell around here. Not sure if it's because the girl needs to wake up earlier than usual for Monday morning and get in to work a couple hours before everybody else, of if it's something else, but Sundays are always the worst if I drink. So I didn't. But then I got drunk Monday, and started drinking pretty early yesterday. She came home in the afternoon, saying she wasn't feeling well and took half the day off. She slept most of the afternoon, and I caught a bit of a nap, too. Then I went to a reading at the library with a grad school friend. Got good and drunk at the bar beforehand. And that didn't go over well at all.

We've been talking about breaking up. And I think she's about done with me at this point. The weird thing is that that feels like it's taken a whole bunch of stress off of me. I mean, I have no job lined up, no way to pay my rent, and no prospects for the future right now. Unless she supports me for a while, I don't even know what the hell I'm going to do. And she's not really feeling like supporting me in anything right now. But still, I feel like a lot of pressure is taken off by things getting to this point. I'm ready to try to sober up for a while, but not for her. I don't even know if she'd trust me sobering up - she seems like she'd feel that one drink anytime in the future would put us right back here.

And maybe she's right. I filed my dissertation with the university a few minutes ago, so that's out of my hands for a few weeks. Next up is solid, dedicated work on the novel. And still trying to find a job. Really feeling trapped and dependent on this girl who loves me, but doesn't much care for me at the moment.

[Lostinspace]

Hey Stuck. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through right now with your girlfriend. I’m glad that you feel that you’re ready to do some sober time for yourself. I saw over on the Topa thread that you poured the rest of your booze down the sink. That’s awesome! But, it’s a terrible place to be in relationship-wise. I’ve been there many times. But it’s not necessarily over. I’ve been there with my husband a few times over the years and we always worked it out.

There is still room to make things happen with your girlfriend, if that’s what you really want to do. I mean, she hasn’t called it quits yet, right? Anyway, I think it’s a great thing that you’re focusing on staying sober for yourself. Because you do need to focus on your own health and sanity as you attempt some sober time. I know that breaking up when things seem imminently doomed seems like a good thing, but just hold tight.

I don’t want to influence you one way or another. If breaking up is the best thing for both of you, then so be it. But I think you’re unsure yourself. And you said yourself that “she loves you, but doesn’t care for you at the moment.” Just hang in there my friend. See what a little sober time does for you. Your perspective may change.

And maybe it won’t. But at least you’ll know, with a clear head. Hang in there :hug:

[StuckinLA]

Yes, Lis, I did pour the last of the booze down the sink this morning. And I did dishes and straightened things up a little. I was feeling really terrible this morning. Well into the afternoon, actually. Just finished teaching my class, so I have no responsibilities until Monday. Need to grade some papers, but that's all.

I am bound and determined to stay AF today. Just one day at a time. If I thought AA would help I'd go, but I don't think it would. Instead I'll just hang around here. And I'm for sure going to try to get some rest. Have a good one, everybody.