Here we go again

[MeJustMe]

Hi Steveo - good to hear things have settled down after the big night. I hope the insurance company sorts things out - I tend to keep pushing to get a result - but as you said, maybe that's not a good idea. I don't know, but I still reckon it doesn't hurt to let them know you're still there,, in a nice way.

LIS - I can tell you that you will have the job you want - but maybe not in your time frame! At least that's my experience. Good on you for baking a cake - whatever it takes to divert the attention from 'stuff'. It must be frustrating, but then most things worth waiting for are I think.

Stuck - Aw, man... I feel for you. I think LIS summed it up for me - I have had a few issues with my wife but we have stayed by each other. I hope you guys can sort it out. If not, then you will be okay, whatever happens. I know that sounds like a hokey epithet - I don't mean it to. Yet it isn't over until it's over. Good luck with it all mate, really wish you the best.

I'm just ticking along. I went out to work early this morning (well, got up at 6.15 - not that early) and got back at 12.30pm. Was so tired! Not sure if it was the Bac or not, but had to sleep for an hour when I got home. Not like me when off the AL.

Happy Easter everyone, if it is something you celebrate. I don't, but like four days off with my wife and kids

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I'm so happy to hear that you'll be hanging out here more often. We've missed you a lot, and we'll be right here, supporting you through those painful first days of sobriety, while also having to navigate the waters of a teetering relationship. You're gonna be OK, even though it probably doesn't seem like it right now. And that's great that you have only one small responsibility over the weekend. Try to use this time to be extra nice to yourself, and to do things that are fun and relaxing for you. We're all rooting for you :hug:

Thanks for the encouragement MeJustMe. I really hope that a good job will eventually come my way. It's just so hard to remain optimistic when I so desperately want, and in many ways need, a better job, but nothing is working out. But I'll keep taking my mind off it as best I can when there's nothing else I can do (i.e. there are no new jobs to apply to that day).

I'm not sure when you normally get up. Maybe it was just too early for you. But if not, and you felt the need to sleep for an hour after not even working a full day, I would say that it probably is a bac side effect. But that side effect wears off over time once you adjust to it, so don't worry. And I have to say, I am very jealous that you get four days off for Easter. We don't get any days off. I don't celebrate it, either, but I would always love an excuse for some time off I hope you have a really nice mini-vacation with your family.

So anyway, I'm still hanging on. There are still no new jobs, and it's been almost a month since any new jobs came out in my field, so it's hard not to lose hope. But I'm distracting, distracting. I couldn't think up any new projects for last night, but I did have a long phone conversation with one of my friends. She's dealing with a lot right now, so I got to encourage her, get her to laugh here and there, and take my mind off my own bullsh*t all at the same time. So I'd say that was a win.

For tonight's distraction, I'm gonna try taking a long walk around my neighborhood. I haven't done that in a loooong time. It doesn't sound very exciting, but even though I only live four miles outside of downtown, the road I live on is quite rural. Once I get past the first quarter mile or so, it's a mix of farm land interspersed with small tracts of untouched woodlands, and houses dotting the land in between. It's really quite scenic. I just have to get up the motivation to walk two miles up a very steep hill. At least it's (obviously) followed by two miles downhill.

That won't talk up all, or even most, of the evening. But because I'm a procrastinator, I still have to do my taxes. It won't be a fun distraction by any means, but at least I'll be getting pissed off at something other than the job search - ha! Anyway, I hope you're all having a great day out there!

[Lostinspace]

Happy Friday everyone! Not much to update on, except that I think I have a really good shot at staying AF tonight. And I'm gonna try my best to turn it into a three day break from drinking over the weekend. One of my (relatively) old friends is coming back to town today and texted me last night about getting together for coffee, and hanging out for a couple hours, after I get off work. This guy is really awesome, even beside the fact that he's an interesting, funny, and genuinely great person. We met at a traditional (AA based) treatment program, but he's probably the only person I know who attends AA regularly, and swears by it, but accepts that my path is different.

It took him several tries to get it right in these rehabs himself, so he understands that it might not be the best (or at least not the only) approach for everyone. In our last couple conversations, I explained to him that I was taking an anti-craving medication that really helps, and that I now only drink a fraction of what I used to. He's not even afraid of me as someone who still drinks because alcohol was never really his bag anyway. He was a heroine addict, and has always been the type of person who could have a beer or two without it turning into a disaster.

So anyway, the reasons it'll help me stay sober tonight are because a) I don't want to be under the influence when I meet up with a success story, even though my drinking wouldn't tempt him (if he even noticed), and b) I'll have to drive to meet him. And even beside the fact that I will NEVER again put myself in a situation where I could get another DWI, I can't even have a couple shots before meeting him, since the Intoxalock in my car won't let me

So here's to hoping that his flight arrives on time and that we actually can get together - not just so that I stay AF, of course - that would only be a fringe benefit. It's because I just really want to see him. After his final (successful) attempt to kick the heroine habit, he was able to finish the undergraduate program that kept getting interrupted by his arrests (followed by jail and court-mandated treatment). He then moved 3,000 miles away to begin a graduate program. I'm really proud of him, but it sucks that we can never get together We didn't hang out all that often, maybe once every couple months, but it was always nice when we did.

Sorry for the long-winded story/explanation. How's everyone else doing? Anyway, I hope you're all having a good one!

[kronkcarr]

So anyway, the reasons it'll help me stay sober tonight are because a) I don't want to be under the influence when I meet up with a success story, even though my drinking wouldn't tempt him (if he even noticed), and b) I'll have to drive to meet him. And even beside the fact that I will NEVER again put myself in a situation where I could get another DWI, I can't even have a couple shots before meeting him, since the Intoxalock in my car won't let me

So here's to hoping that his flight arrives on time and that we actually can get together - not just so that I stay AF, of course - that would only be a fringe benefit.

Hi everyone. LIS, I'm happy that you're getting together with your friend. It sounds like a much needed bright spot. I'm wondering how it would feel and happen for you if being AF was the goal as opposed to being a fringe benefit?

[StuckinLA]

So cool to get the chance to hang out with old friends and catch up, Lis. I like the fringe benefit. Sounds like you're getting ready for a pretty relaxing, low-key weekend, too. And that's great. Sometimes a little break makes a big difference.

I wouldn't call what I'm doing anything like 'sobriety' at this point, but day 2 went pretty ok. I know that I need a pretty long stretch of not drinking if I have much hope for repairing my relationship. I'm not even sure how checked-out she is right now, but yesterday was good, if a little tense - at least on my part. We didn't talk about anything, not the last few days, not the drinking or the relationship or anything like that. But I'm keeping an eye on this vase of fake roses and a balloon I'd gotten her for Valentine's Day. Tuesday it went from the living room to the kitchen floor by the trash. At some point yesterday, it went on the microwave by the back door - not far from the trash, but at least not on the floor. No, her hints are not subtle.

Anyway whatevs. I can't not drink for her. That's a given. But I'm also trying to get myself out of this post-project meltdown and into the next project. Still no job prospects, but can't do much about that either. Take it easy today, everyone.

[StuckinLA]

Morning, everyone. How'd last night go, Lis?

Still feeling a little shaky and having a lot of trouble sleeping, but it's only a couple days in. Managed another AF day yesterday, so hopefully I'm getting into the groove of it for a at least a bit of a while. Spent most of yesterday cleaning out my filing cabinet. Just getting rid of stuff, mostly. Lots of papers from classes I taught years ago, printouts of articles from grad classes, also years ago. And notes and drafts and a whole bunch of sh*t for my diss, which I tossed 'cause the damned thing is written now. I can't believe how much junk I just had tossed into drawers - not even filed or organized, just piles of papers. Old forms for committees that I obviously don't need to save, and things like that. Anyway, it felt good to clear all that out and only save what seems to be the essentials, or close to the essentials.

Well, I'm up stupid early today, so I'm trying to figure out what to do. Probably going to try writing for a bit. The girl's heading up to the valley to hang out with a friend today. Maybe I'll take a nap later. That's about it for me. Have a good one, everybody, and happy easter.

[Lostinspace]

Hey everyone. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out to get together with my friend last night, and he’s doing family stuff today I hope that we can get together at some point in the next week or so before he goes back out west, but who knows? I’m kinda pissed that he got my hopes up and then basically made no effort to follow through. You’re right kronk, I should’ve made staying AF the goal rather than a fringe benefit, considering that that’s the only thing that happened last night! In all seriousness, though, that was an awesome suggestion, and I’ll keep that in mind for the future.

Stuck - I’m so glad to hear that you’re holding on and still not drinking And it’s wonderful that you’re doing this for yourself, regardless of what else happens. It sounds like things are a teensy bit better, or at least no worse. I feel your pain. When my husband and I were at the point of almost divorcing he was much the same way - no talking to me at all, not even a hello or goodbye when coming home/leaving, and leaving not-at-all-subtle hints, like what your girlfriend is doing with the roses and balloon. It’s so hard sometimes to even be in the same home with someone when you feel that tension, so it’s probably a good thing that she’ll be gone for the day. It'll give you both a much needed breather. Hang in there. Things are gonna be OK one way or another :hug:

I hope you do get a chance to do some writing today. Getting into your next project will be really helpful for you, both in staying AF, and in not focusing too much on everything else that’s uncertain. And be sure to get that nap, if you can. Sleep is always important, but especially when you’re detoxing, as hard as it is to sleep during that time.

Well, so far I’ve spent most of today (as well as last night) watching TV and reading stupid sh*t on the internet. I’m gonna whip out some of my old textbooks in a minute or so to do a refresher. A new job ad finally popped up yesterday, which I applied for after I got home from work. Some of my on-the-job experience matches what they’re looking for, but my experience with a lot of the other stuff is limited to the lab practice I got during my undergraduate courses. So I better study up and remind myself of what I used to know in case they call to set up an interview. This job sounds better than all the other ones I’ve applied to so far, so I need to not sound like a total moron! Anyway, I hope you’re all having a good weekend so far.

[MeJustMe]

LIS - the job sounds promising. Hope it works out for you.

Stuck - great that you've got some AF days up.

I've had a bad fees days on the booze. Drank at my mum's birthday lunch on Sat and made a fool of myself. Then again last night at a friend's place.

I forget to take my evening Bac dose when drinking so I'm not up at the 40mg a day, where I should be. I took Antibuse again today so I can try again to draw a line under the drinking.

[Lostinspace]

I'm so sorry to hear that you had a couple of really out-of-control drinking days, MeJustMe. I know we can all relate to the painful embarrassment and shame of realizing you made a fool of yourself while drunk. Please don't beat yourself up. 40 mg is still a very low dose. I can't recall ever seeing someone reaching a switch at that dose, and you said yourself that you're not even taking that much because you keep forgetting your evening dose.

First, I would advise you to set a reminder alarm on your phone to go off each night when you're supposed to take your evening dose. I do that for all my doses because it's so easy to forget when you get caught up in the activities of the day. Second, I would say to just be as patient as you can be in this whole process. I know it's hard as hell when you want the drinking out of your life NOW. But you didn't get to where you are overnight and, unfortunately, you won't be able to crawl out of the pit overnight, either.

Taking Antabuse, at least every few days - whenever you're in a strong enough frame of mind to force yourself to do so - is an excellent idea, and will keep you from having any other alcohol-related disasters until you find your cravings mercifully lifted. There's no advantage in rushing things. Success with baclofen is a matter of both a high enough dose AND enough time. Plus, it will lessen the chance of having awful side effects. I titrated up probably more slowly than anyone else I've ever seen on this site, and I never once had any negative side effects. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself in the meantime. You will reach the goal soon enough.

So things are looking up for me this week already. My friend got back to me, and we're meeting for coffee tonight when I get off work Plus, I was able to talk things out with that childhood friend that I had a falling out with a couple weeks ago, and I'll be going to visit her this weekend! But better yet, I got an e-mail this morning (actually it was sent last night, but I didn't think to check my business e-mail on a Sunday night) from that job I just applied to!!

This job sounds so very perfect for me. But, of course, I'm now freaking out over every little thing already. Did my response to him sound professional and courteous enough? Did I sound inflexible when I said I couldn't meet the first day he wanted to interview me, then threw out a very narrow time frame for the following day (4:00 or later)? I told him that if that time didn't work, to let me know and I would try to shift my schedule around. Aaaaah! I really hope I didn't make a bad impression already, or that I screwed up my chances by not being available enough. I really wish I could stop obsessing about every little thing.

On a less happy note, I didn't stay AF this weekend at all. Friday was the only day I followed through on my goal. I drank both on Saturday and Sunday. But I know for a fact that I'll be AF for this coming three-day weekend. My friend that I'm visiting is painfully aware of my drinking problem. She has a baby now and has told me in no uncertain terms that she cannot tolerate me drinking in her home now. I wouldn't dream of f**king that up! Plus, I'll be driving four hours on Friday night to get there, then another four hours on Sunday to get home. By the time I get back to town, the liquor stores will already be closed for the day. Here's to hoping that my three-day alcohol break will propel me into an even longer break.

Anyway, I hope you're all having a great day!

[StuckinLA]

Hi everyone. Sorry you've had some rough drinking of late, MJM. I was out-of-control last week for sure, including the last day I drank. It was an all-day affair, and went to a reading at the main public library with a friend. I don't think I exactly made a fool of myself, but I was definitely noticeably drunk. My friend certainly knew, and he stayed at my place that night because he lives a couple hours away, so he got a glimpse of the problems going on between me and my girl. Waking up the next day, even still almost a week later, that feels bloody awful. Just hang in there.

Lis - SO HAPPY FOR THE JOB EMAIL! I'm sure you were perfectly courteous and professional. You feel like the job is perfect for you and I'm certain they will, too. Sounds like you have a great plan for this coming weekend. That sounds like it'll be really nice.

Not much to report here. In that kind of flat aftermath of drinking. Just basically drained. Feeling tired but not sleeping well, and the afternoons are pretty tough. I feel so tired, almost like I'm back on bac (I'm not), with the panicky feeling of nearly passing out. I've been making coffee in the afternoon and just trying to hang in there - not that I had anything to do, I could have napped, but it wasn't a sleepiness so much as a panic, so napping was out of the question. Anyway, I've got my own "it gets better" campaign going on in my head. Well, that's about it. Have a good one!

[Lostinspace]

I'm happy to hear you've got your own "it gets better" campaign going on in your head, Stuck - because it does! You're only a few days in. I hope the shakiness is dying down by now and that you're feeling better overall, tiredness aside. That blah, tired feeling is pretty normal when you first quit, as I'm sure you know. Your body needs some time to recover and regulate. Are you getting any exercise? It might not help give you energy to start, but it will definitely help you feel better overall - emotionally, having a "good" kind of tired, etc. It might even help you sleep better. Anyway, it sounds like you're doing better. I hope that's the case. Keep checking in with us.

Soooo, my friend who's in town visiting flaked on me again last night. We've only been chatting by text so far, but he said he has an apartment here, which he's having all kinds of problems with, and told me he's looking to buy a house in the area. I thought he was just here on school break. I asked him if he was moving back, but he didn't answer that question, and only answered the other questions in my text. The only thing I know is that he says he's been "insanely busy" since getting back into town, and apologized for not being able to get together once again. I'm gonna give him one more chance on Wednesday evening. I'm not exactly holding my breath. If we get together, that's great. If we don't, then I give up on trying to make this work. Whatever he's been so busy with, he's finding time for those things. I won't be made to feel like an afterthought (which I already kinda do).

Besides that, I have an interview with that awesome job this Friday afternoon, right before I leave town to go visit my friend. It's awesome timing because I'll be so busy with my friend that I won't have time to obsess endlessly about how the interview went (although I'm sure I'll spend the whole drive down replaying everything in my head :P). Anyway, I hope you're all having a good one!

[MeJustMe]

Hey guys,
I'm still sober, thank god.

LIS - So happy that you got the job interview - good luck with it! As for your friend, wow, that's kinda unreliable. But then, who knows what's going on for him?

Stuck - glad you've got a positive outlook, keep it up! The tiredness - well, I know all about that right now.

So I'm on day 3 of being sober on Antibuse and Bac 40mg. I am still embarrassed by my drunken behaviour over Easter. I don't remember some of it, including being mean to my wife. She was upset with me but is getting over it as she sees me sober.
This is the problem though. She continues to drink, and after five days or so of watching her drink every evening, I crack. I am trying to think of strategies to cope with that while I wait to hit the switch on Bac. Last time I felt bored with life - I must remind myself about how boring drinking gets! Exercise is a good one too - I went for a walk last time to deal with anxiety and it made a big difference. But by then I had already set it in my mind to drink.
I am coming to the conclusion that even when I have hit the switch that abstinence is the only answer for me. I have read a lot of threads about people that try drinking again on Bac and it didn't really work. I think I will be one of those. I figure if I am going to feel indifferent to alcohol, have less of or no buzz from it, but analyse every time I drink (given my history, understandable) then the easier option is just to quit and be done with it.

[Lostinspace]

MeJustMe - I'm glad to hear that at least your wife is getting over the incident. But you need to forgive yourself, too. I understand how hard it is to get past. I even have certain drunken episodes from years ago that still make my skin crawl. But you know what? Everyone else has moved on. Or at least they'll stay moved on if you don't keep adding to those embarrassing drunk moments. And you're doing your absolute best to keep that from happening. That's what you'll be remembered for in the long run.

As far as having a wife that still drinks? That's a tough one. Have you explained to her that you're trying not to drink right now, and that watching her do it makes it that much harder? It's not that she has to stop - just that she could be more careful about it around you. My husband still likes to have a few drinks every now and again, but he goes out and does it with friends. Or he'll do it in his shop while he's hanging out by himself. Honestly, I can still tell when he's had a few. It's pretty obvious because he doesn't have the tolerance that I do. But having him not do it right in my face takes the edge off the jealousy when I don't drink. And given that I still drink some myself most nights, it takes the edge off of that self-righteous, indignant part of me that gets all mad and thinks "well, how come it's fine for him to drink, but not me?!" It's fine because he can control himself, and I need to remember that we're two different people. Having him not drink around me helps with that.

As far as choosing abstinence, only you know what's best for you. I think I'll probably go the same route eventually. Maybe more bac would do the trick if I ever decide to go even higher in dose than I already am, but I have a hard time believing that I'll ever enjoy say just one or two drinks, then letting it go. You don't know how you'll feel eventually at this point, though. You're still pretty darn low in dose. Maybe you'll be one of the people who can enjoy a couple beers or glasses of wine every once in a while, and maybe not. Either way, try not to worry about where you'll end up right now. Just focus on keeping yourself sane until the cravings are lifted. Going for walks is a great thing. Reading, and other hobbies, can also take your mind off of things. Just keep taking the bac, and have faith that you'll soon end up exactly where you need to be.

So tonight I'll (maybe) be meeting with that friend. He has one more chance, not only because I'm not gonna keep making plans with him, only to have them broken. But also because I'll be gone all weekend, and tomorrow night will be spent researching and rehearsing for Friday's interview. I've been doing a good deal of prep already and don't feel anywhere near ready. I'm so nervous it's unbelievable. This job not only sounds better than all the others I've applied to, it's the first one that's offering a good salary. I cannot afford to blow this!

So I'm gonna try my best not to drink tonight or tomorrow, so that I can keep my head clear to prepare as best I can. Fingers crossed that I can actually follow through. Then, the three-day break from drinking while visiting my friend would bring me to a full five days AF! That would be a really great start. I'll let you know how it works out. Anyway, how is everyone else doing? Stuck - I hope you're holding up well. dun, kronk, Ne, Stevo - long time no update. Are you guys doing alright? Well, I hope you all have a great day out there!

[StuckinLA]

Hi everybody. Man, yeah the wife drinking would be a tough one. Not sure how I would go about that, honestly. My girl pretty much stopped drinking entirely, from what I can tell, when my drinking got bad again this last time. She likes to have a glass of wine or two most nights, but hasn't brought home any wine in a while now. Maybe I'm the odd one out, but I don't think it would really bother me at all - I've made my decision, for me and my health and my work, not for her or anybody else. So if I see other people drinking it only occasionally bothers me. Though I'm only a week dry at this point, so probably best not to test those waters anyway.

But still it's tough. I have a hell of a time figuring out how to assert myself. Like last night, she went grocery shopping and then cooked dinner. So she's making dinner, and she's toasting tortillas in a non-stick pan and flipping them with a fork. When I come out into the kitchen I can hear the fork scraping against the teflon coating in the pan, and when I wash that pan I can see where the coating's been scratched off. So I'm kind of upset - because I've mentioned that (a long time ago), and because that crap's really not good for you and the coating gets in your food. And I did say something about it, and I even prefaced with not wanting to sound nit-picky or ungrateful that she's doing all the cooking and shopping, but still you know? Like cut that sh*t out. It kind of put a damper on the rest of the night, and I'm still not sleeping all that well and having nightmares again and my libido is still nonexistent. It's only been a week but I can tell she's getting pissed about us not being physical at all, which only makes everything between us even more icy.

Anyway, my point was that it's super difficult to assert oneself in any way. It sucks, and sorry you've got to deal with that MJM.

I ordered a pair of wood tongs this morning, btw, so there will be a good option for flipping whatever in that pan and she won't have to use a fork. Not that it matters. I probably am just being hypercritical.

That's about it for me today. Still AF, it was a week yesterday. Not getting a whole lot done, but trying. Trying to get back into a rhythm. Sleep is... getting a little better. A few cravings here and there but overall doing ok. Talk to y'all later, have a good one!

[dundrinkn]

Howdy all. I keep checking in but haven't been posting. Here's why... I was doing great on my juice deal. Feeling pretty dang good. Around day 10, I started to get really bad vertigo. Figured I had messed up my electrolytes. So I slowly went back to eating and supplementing water with powdered stuff. Didn't change it. I convinced myself I either had a brain tumor or M.S. (not that I'm one to jump to conclusions, or catastrophisize things). I went to Doc yesterday and seems I just knocked some rocks loose in my head. For real. Benign Positional Vertigo. He fixed it by essentially hanging me upside down with my head in different positions for 20 minutes or so. So I'm not dying, so feel inclined to post my relief!

I have been AF for three weeks or so, with the exception of drinking a shot of really good tequila a few days ago. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling, but didn't lead to cravings. I have come to the conclusion that AF time is necessary for Bac to work -- at least for me. And when I pile up a bunch of drinking days, it looses it's effectiveness. But the good news is it does come back with AF time. Hate to admit it, but that seems to be the deal in my case.

I hear ya, Stuck. I feel super nit-picky about things. Running water for whatever reason makes me insane. Don't waste the fuckin' water. And eating noises. OMG. Do you have to make as much noise as possible with every single bite? I hold my tongue a lot, but sometimes I just can't stop myself from saying something. It rarely goes well. Maybe it's the delivery. Don't know.

Lis, hoping your friend doesn't blow you off again. And keeping my fingers crossed about the job.

MJM, I would talk to you wife. Of course, you see where talking about what's annoying me gets me. Maybe if you couch it as being your problem and ask her to lay off for a little while.

Still hoping for good news on the insurance front, Stevo.

Signing out.