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[StuckinLA]

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Hey sweetie, this is your thread and you fill it up with whatever you want to talk about. And if it weren't for plans, dreams, and what-ifs then why the f**k would anybody bother to get sober? I think graduate school is a fine idea. I am sure you'll be able to get letters - you'd be surprised I bet.

And it is awesome that you're having a date tomorrow! I am wishing you and your ladybits all the best of luck.

EDIT: yeah, I'm like a creepy ninja all over this thread. I don't mean to be responding to every single one of your posts, Lis. But believe it or not, you're the main reason I'm around the boards much at all these days. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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My favorite threads are the ones where people talk about their lives. (Tho I totally understand keeping the most personal, identifying details to yourself! Rest assured, this place is a morass of information. It's unlikely you'd be identified. My husband went looking once, on my suggestion, and couldn't figure out who I was or even how to look! Anyway...)

Regret is right up there with shame. I identify those two things as manifestations of my disease. I don't regret the decisions I made when I was actively sick, because I was sick. I wouldn't regret it if I was fighting for my life because I had cancer...Or any other physical malady. And that's exactly what alcoholism is. I decided that I would think of this as getting a mulligan--a do-over--in life. (I'm one of those that started drinking alcoholically very young, and it derailed a lot of stuff.) So now I get to do whatever it is that I couldn't or wouldn't do when I was sick. It turns out there was a lot of stuff I couldn't or wouldn't do when I was sick that I can do now! (And some of it pretty well, too.) Dream big, sister!

Glad about the date night. Sober sex is ah-mazing. Love, love, love my love-life now. (So does Ed. ha!) I hope it happens for you soon!

Great to hear you so sane and rational (and kind and gentle with yourself) about the changes that are happening. I'm with Stuck, and so glad you're here.

[Lostinspace]

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"EDIT: yeah, I'm like a creepy ninja all over this thread. I don't mean to be responding to every single one of your posts, Lis. But believe it or not, you're the main reason I'm around the boards much at all these days. :l"


Awww! That's so sweet of you, Stuck! And you're not creepy at all. I LOVE seeing your responses on my thread. It's one of the highlights of my day. I hope I never stop seeing you here. :l:l

Thanks for saying that, Ne. I know it's highly unlikely that anyone I know irl would find my posts here and think "oh my god, that's so and so." But you know, the fear of that happening still persists.

And you're right about regret. There's no point in beating myself up about the things I couldn't or wouldn't do. I, too, started drinking alcoholically at a young age. I became a daily drinker by the age of 16, and was drinking morning, noon and night by the time I was 19 (starting right after my then boyfriend's suicide, which completely destroyed me and sent me running into the numbing arms of alcohol).

In retrospect, it's a miracle that I managed to get through a bachelor's degree during my mid- to late twenties, considering that my brain felt like a big pile of mush. But somehow I managed. This was my only accomplishment, though, since starting to drink alcoholically. And doing anything fun or exciting in my free time? Almost never happened. I've given up two decades of my life to watching tv. But it's true that there's no reason for regret. I'm pretty fortunate, actually, to be getting sober now. I'm only a few weeks shy of 36 - not exactly a spring chicken, but I certainly have a lot of good years left ahead of me - IF I stop the slow suicide that is alcoholism.

Well, enough out of me. It's a beautiful day here and I got a hot date tonight. I guess I should go get my lazy butt in the shower and start my day.

[StuckinLA]

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No I get it too, truly. Between drinking and baclofen and then the core group here, it kinda makes ya' want to share, and those are my favorite threads, too. Then bac can make one a bit paranoid, and many a night I spilled my guts here then a day or two later was certain someone would find out who I am in real life. It's probably not possible, but I have on a couple of occasions gone through and scrubbed my thread of personal details, probably needlessly. And besides, as Ne can attest, finding out who I am really isn't worth it since I'm pretty boring. :H Anyway all that's to say that I get it.

Well I think I may need to get the drinking wrangled back under control. I think I mentioned the girl and I got drunk together with an alky friend of mine on Thursday. Yesterday we had a pretty nice day - I got off to a slow start because of a hangover, and the girl finished reading what I have so far written of my novel. Then we went to The Container Store up in Pasadena and looked around and picked up a couple things, then stopped at a Home Depot on the way back, and had dinner at a nice burger place we both like. I had her drop me off at the bar after. I have free shipping with Amazon, so even though I'm kind of boycotting them over this Hachette bullsh*t, the chesty bartender emailed me earlier in the week to order a book for her, and so I had to drop it off yesterday.

Of course I also had to get drunk, so I gave her the book and started in on the beer and tequila shot special, which the first one was free for getting her the book, then because of the Dodgers game they were only $3 instead of 4, and you need to spend 10 bucks to close a tab, so I sat playing the jukebox and drinking and talking with the bartender and the regulars and getting nicely f**ked up. After a couple hours I realized it was getting late and I really ought to be getting home. So I ordered one last shot, of Jamison because it is delicious, and the gorgeous blonde curly-haired bartender gave me a free Guiness to chase the shot, and so ended up staying even longer. When I got home I pretty much forced the girl to watch this mediocre movie that's depressing as hell about Southern alcoholics and writers, in which a small child days and a guy ends up with a brain injury after a drunken accident, and it's one of my favorite movies so even though it's depressing and kind of kills the mood, I told her she was gonna have to watch it eventually anyway, given the central role it plays in my life and overly romanticized worldview. So we watched that, and I had another drink, finishing off the bottle of bourbon here, then another beer, then I started playing music videos on YouTube through my TV - really depressing ones, like Frightened Rabbit and Lana Del Rey. They're really good, the songs are great and the videos are artistic as f**k, but again, depressing and certainly annoying for her to sit through. I can't even imagine, her being stone sober and putting up with me. And I smoked 4 cigarettes in the bedroom before finally passing out, and today I didn't get up until noon.

So, there's that. And my blood pressure is probably stupid high because of the drinking. (The main reason I need to not drink - extreme hypertension that comes with drinking and lasts a few weeks after I'm abstinent before going back down to normal if I remain abstinent.) I haven't checked it because I don't want to know - because then I'd *know* it's time to quit again for a while. And even though I kind of want to I don't *really* want to just yet. Ugh. Now I'm just drinking my coffee and she's writing Thank You cards to people who helped her pack and move out of here, and I'm probably going to drink that last beer in the fridge at some point to take the hangover/withdrawal edge off, and not really sure what today is going to look like. She'll probably be pretty pissed if I go down to the bar again. So maybe there's a Xanax in my future tonight or a joint before bed or something, we'll see.

There - that's more than enough meaningless ramble about me and my day so you don't have to feel bad putting anything personal on your thread, Lis. Hope you're having a great day and a great date tonight!

[Lostinspace]

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I understand all too well about getting into that somber, depressing mood when drunk, Stuck. Although there's nothing artistic or romantic about my drunken depression. The thing my husband hates the most about me when I'm really drunk is that I sometimes become argumentative and downright nasty. But far more often than that, I just become really depressing and weepy, which he also can't stand.

It's not that he can't handle emotion. If I'm upset because I'm just completely overwhelmed by a legitimate life problem, he's more than willing to listen and give me a shoulder to cry on. But when I'm crying because I'm stupid, sloppy drunk and wailing about everything under the sun through slurred speech - well that just really pisses him off.

I know what you mean about wanting to stop drinking but not *really* wanting to. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have already made a commitment to keep going with the bac until I truly reach indifference, and to do my best to rack up as many AF days as I can manage in the meantime (and to drink as little as possible on the days that I do drink). But, it is kind of a scary proposition. Facing life head on, all the time?! That'll take some getting used to.

However, having said that, I'm already much more confident than I was a few weeks ago that my sober life will be far better. And physically, the difference is already amazing! Before I started tapering down my drinking, about a month ago, I was so exhausted that I often went to the bathroom at work and just started bawling. I was so tired it hurt. I don't know how I managed like that. I truly felt like my legs were going to collapse under my weight some days. And the nausea was awful. I threw up pretty much every day. I successfully trained myself over the years how to vomit silently, so that no matter where I was, I could "relieve" myself without anyone hearing, whether that was in a bathroom, outside behind a bush, or the nearest garbage can in the next room (sorry if that's really gross). That was truly a horrible way to live!

Wow, I started rambling way more than I meant to. Sorry about that. In any case, I hope you're having a great night, Stuck. :l :l

Today was a success all around. I did stay AF and, surprisingly, outside of a few odd moments, I really didn't have many cravings. The cravings that did crop up passed quickly, as soon as I diverted my attention to something else.

And date night turned out to be really nice. Or, as I should say, date afternoon/evening. My husband didn't have to work today, either, so we decided to go to a matinee when the theaters are quieter, then go for dinner afterwards. God how I've missed seeing him look into my eyes and smile. It feels like an eternity since that has happened.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Wow. That's so nice, Lis. My husband is really pissed off at me at the moment. You just made me feel...like I should be nice to him. pfffft. Not yet. I want the damn $500 robot vacuum cleaner. Even though it's ridiculous and we really shouldn't and I'm an idiot. Whatever.

Anyway.

I've spent a bunch of intense time with my family over the last couple of months. The whole emotional-drunk thing is...ugh. I don't want to make you feel badly, but man it's a drag. I'm sure it was really nice for him, too, to spend time with you without the pressure and etc...

Hang in there, both of youse. (Yous? U's?)

[tee111]

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I used to spend ?500 a night on the Bolivian marching powder Neva. Now when I want to buy something I can always rationalise it if that thing I want to buy is going to last my years of good service instead of going up my nose in a night and making me feel like I want to kill myself for days to come.

[Lostinspace]

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Ne/Neva Eva;1681962 wrote: Wow. That's so nice, Lis. My husband is really pissed off at me at the moment. You just made me feel...like I should be nice to him. pfffft. Not yet. I want the damn $500 robot vacuum cleaner. Even though it's ridiculous and we really shouldn't and I'm an idiot. Whatever.

:H A robot vacuum cleaner would be nice.

And now I feel embarrassed about what I wrote yesterday. I really wasn't a total nightmare to live with. My usual pattern was to have a heavy buzz going 24/7 and to just drink what it took to maintain that buzz. The days when I went further overboard and became sloppy drunk to the point of becoming an a$$hole, or an annoying emotional wreck, were actually the exception, not the rule. But, then again, it happened often enough (maybe once or twice a month), that I guess it could be considered a nightmare.

The truth is, though, that I got so good at hiding my normal state of lower-level intoxication that my husband normally didn't even know I was drinking (and the people at my current job never figured it out). Anyway, I don't mean to babble on. I just cringe to think that people here have some image of me that I'm that stereotypical drunk they show on tv shows who has nothing but a bad side.

EDIT: Yes, I'm still quite insecure. This is something I need to work on.

[StuckinLA]

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Lostinspace;1682146 wrote:

EDIT: Yes, I'm still quite insecure. This is something I need to work on.

Going out on a limb, but I bet if any of us were secure we wouldn't be here.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks for that, Stuck! I guess most of us still have some work to do to grow. I just sometimes feel like I have way more work to do than others, but that may be the baclofen paranoia that you've talked about. No, forget that. I've always been paranoid.

In all seriousness, though. I think that may be the reason why I don't experience many of the side effects of bac that others talk about. Anxiety? That's always been a constant presence in my life, even when I'm drinking around the clock (albeit to a much lesser extent at that point). Although it IS less now.

Insomnia? That's been a MAJOR issue for me since I was about 14 (before I started drinking regularly). And, strangely enough, considering that alcohol is a CNS depressant, my insomnia became unbelievably worse after the first few years of heavy drinking. It's almost as if by drinking at all hours of the day and night, I was giving my body the equivalent of a constant sugar high that prevented sleeping. I would go days or sometimes even weeks on end, surviving on two, three, maybe four hours of sleep (if I was really lucky), before finally crashing over a weekend, and sleeping 10 to 12 hours at a time. Thank god for seroquel! Another blessing from my good doctor. I'm on a pretty high dose for sleep, alone (most people who use it for sleep take very low doses, as compared to the high dose used for psychosis, the drug's primary purpose), but who cares? It works!!

Well, I blew my goal of having an AF weekend. Unlike yesterday, for some reason I was having nagging cravings all morning and early afternoon, that wouldn't go away no matter what I did to try to redirect my thoughts. So, I took the bus into town and headed for the liquor store. I still bought a pretty small amount - two 200 ml bottles each of vodka and bourbon - that's roughly nine shots, so not too bad.

The only reason I'm annoyed with myself is that, probably about 45 minutes or so after I took my 3pm (40 mg) dose, the cravings started to abate. But by that time, I was already on the bus on my way into town. I thought about just going for a walk instead until I waited for the next bus back home, but then thought "well I came into town for a reason. This trip just blew two hours of my Sunday. I might as well get a little something". Clearly I'm not yet indifferent.

I REALLY want to bump up my bac dosage again. I'm more than ready, but my next doctor appointment isn't until August 6th. Ugh! I'm feeling pretty impatient, but as the saying goes, "slow and steady wins the race."

[Eber]

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Man oh man, I know that so well.. the urge kind of goes away, but you've already made the purchase or gone on the trip to the store, and at that point it's like, "well, I have to drink now!" Tricky stuff. But I do feel it getting better.. It's those moments when you know you're not there yet, though..

[Lostinspace]

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Yeah, definitely not quite there yet. But I feel I'm getting pretty close. Haven't heard from you in a while, Eber. How are you doing these days?

[StuckinLA]

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It's f**ked up how cravings can go in stages like that sometimes. Like I'll be really really wanting a drink, and then as soon as I make the decision that yes I'm going to go buy booze, it subsides. Then having the bottle there at home, I could ride it out for a little while if I tried. I did that when I first got to 150mg on bac. I was AF 2 months at that point, and it was a magical place for all kinds of reasons. I found myself cleaning the windows in my apartment and leaving the blinds open to let in sunlight. It was weird. Anyway I bought a bottle of whiskey and just kept it in the cabinet for like a week. Of course I ended up drinking it, but sometimes, all I'm saying, is that the war in your head is more than half of it. Once the craving gets the best of you and you make that decision to buy something, the craving for it lessens. When I was a kid there was a hobby store across the street from my house, and I'd come home every day telling my dad I wanted some new toy or model or whatever, and he'd say fine. You can have it, as long as you still want it in 3 days I'll buy it for you. I never ended up getting any new toys that way, but I sure did have a great time looking at stuff and imagining all the things I would bring home. Eh, ok that's a stupid story.

Hope everybody is doing well. I'll have a better update later on or tomorrow.

[Lostinspace]

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I think you're right, Stuck. My cravings probably started to go down because I knew I was about to buy some booze, and not because of my recent bac dose, considering that same 40 mg dose I took at 10 am did nothing to help. Oh well. I still have a little way to go to reach indifference.

OK. Now back to work for real. Can you tell I really don't want to be here today?

[kronkcarr]

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LIS and Stuck I so appreciate that you post how it is for you. I could thank you all day and that still wouldn't be enough. I can't agree more about our insecurities. Geez. When I over drank I never spoke up and I stuffed all of my hurts away to chew on them once I was drunk. Or they'd come out with fury. With baclofen I became more of a loner and now I'm in a situation where I'm mixing (with a guy) and all my old insecurities are coming back up. At least now I can see it for what it is and I'm not wanting to drink to escape.

LIS my biggest issue was drinking at home alone. I just didn't keep alcohol in my house. I journaled and one night I wanted to drink so badly that I journaled like a bitch. I was elated that I didn't and the self confidence I gained carried me a long way.