Here we go again

[MeJustMe]

Hi everyone, hope your week is starting off well.

LIS, Stevo and Ne, thank you for words of encouragement.

LIS - I'm glad you're titrating up. This is what I'm doing too! The fact that you have not caved in to the cravings and are doing something positive about it is a really good thing. The stress and anxiety thing is familiar to me - and I don't have an answer but I'm wondering if you do any meditation and are still exercising? These are things I am trying again, although sporadically. I've heard that for people like us these are useful tools.

Kronk - I'm sorry you've sustained another injury. You must be pretty fit though to run those distances, and with sports medicine these days I'm guessing that you'll be able to recover from it quite quickly -- let's hope so.

Ne - I wanted to say that while there isn't a male menopause (I think!) I have begun to sweat like crazy the last few years -- this started when I began taking anti-depressants. I'm ok in winter but once it warms up - it's like my body has a sweat switch. Anyway, I hope that you can get it sorted out.

Stevo - I hope you can sort through those feelings of nothing exciting in your life -- and can get some enjoyment back into your work with the boards.

Stuck - How are you going? Haven't seen you on here for a while.

I am going back on the Antibuse today, after a few solid nights drinking. I have noticed on the 100mg the AL has less effect on me. Plan is to titrate up to 125mg by the end of this week. I am sure that Bac is a key part of my sobriety, but I know that alone is not enough. I must sound like a broken record, but I want to try to get a routine going with exercise and meditation so that I can get through the 'bumps' in life without resorting to AL. That's the thing, I relate to feeling depressed and nothing exciting in my life, but nothing is more boring than being a drunk.

[StuckinLA]

Hey folks,

Sorry I haven't updated recently. Ups and downs. Downs at the end of last week, and I guess you could call not drinking at all over the weekend an up.

Trying to find a job, and hopefully something comes through with the temp agency I started with last week. We shall see. Just need to make it through this fall - the school I taught for over the summer wrote me a fairly gushing email, apologizing they couldn't find anything for me this semester, and assured me I'm at the front of everyone's mind for classes that might be available in the spring.

Keep fighting the good fight.

[Lostinspace]

Hey everyone. Sorry I haven’t been around much lately. I’ve been completely bogged down with work (yes, even on the weekends. Both days I had to both go into work, as well as spend several hours at home writing reports and researching for a proposal - boo!).

Stevo - I’m sorry you’re going through a slump right now. I don’t have any great advice because I’m kinda going through a similar thing, but I hope things turn around for you soon. Do you think maybe you’re just tired from school and work, and are lacking the energy/motivation to do anything else once you’ve finished the essentials? I'm not sure what the answer to that is. I just know that for me, the more my life is full of responsibilities, the less I'm able to enjoy what little free time I have, and the more I feel down in general.

Thanks, Ne. I appreciate the opinion and I do want to find indifference. It does make sense that I would have to go higher because of my very heavy drinking history. Let’s just hope it’s not too high, as in 400 mg kind of high!

MJM - I do still exercise, but unfortunately, I’ve temporarily given up on meditation. I just don’t have the ability to sit still and watch my breath. I know I really should start up again, though. It sounds like you have a good plan, and the fact that alcohol has less of an effect on you at 100 mg is a really good sign. It means something is already changing in you, and you’re well on the road to indifference. Just keep titrating up as you are until it happens. And you’re so very right. For all I could complain about how boring my life is now, being drunk all the time was so much more boring - except for when it was drama-inducing awful. I’ll take the boredom I have now, thanks.

Stuck - I’m so glad to hear that you connected with a temp agency. It’ll fill the days and bring in some cash while you work on landing your “real” job. That’s awesome that the school you taught for this summer is interested in hiring you in the Spring. They’re obviously really happy with your work. And if you can’t get a job with them, at least you have them as a good reference. I hope life is otherwise good.

I’ve been a ball of stress and irritability the last several days because I work constantly and still can’t seem to finish everything I need to do. But instead of continuing to bitch and moan about it, I’m gonna go lie down and watch some Netflix during the very little free time I do have. I hope everyone’s having a good one out there!

[StuckinLA]

Sorry you're flooded with work, Lis. It's got to be a little good to have your mind so filled with the regular things of life and whatnot. I have always been a workaholic - in spite of how much I've avoided reading/thinking/working these past 7 years in school. But I would work 100+ hours a week at the firehouse and I couldn't get enough. It didn't give me time to think about myself.

Anyway, so here I am drinking lots, all day. I'm not so much worried about myself as my girl. I think she's moving out at the end of the month but I'm not sure. I am going home for a few days the weekend of the 26th - for his 65th birthday my dad would like me to be home, that's the present he wants - and we'll see. Maybe when I get back she'll still be here, maybe not.

I might have a job for fall. UC Riverside has several classes open and I could teach 2 of them and depending on the money I will take them, though I'm waiting to hear about the money. Because it's almost 2 hours each way and that is a bitch of a commute even if only twice a week. So it they email back today and tell me it's at least $4K/class I'll do it. and that would probably set me up for the fall.

Hope everyone is doing well. Hearts and hugs to you all.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you, and sending you all the positive vibes in the universe, that the job comes through for you this Fall. Other than that, I’m really sorry to hear that things have gotten so bad with your girlfriend that you think she might be leaving at the end of the month. Why do you think that? Has she explicitly threatened that? I have no great words of wisdom, only empathy to give. I know what a horrible place that is to be in. All I can say is please try to take of yourself and do whatever it is that you can do to help yourself stop the 24/7 drinking - and not just for her, but for yourself. Come here and bitch when you feel like drinking, but want to stop yourself for a while to try to ride out the urge. Go for long walks. Watch movies. Do whatever you can to keep your mind off liquor. You’re such an amazing person, and you’re worth so much more than spending your life in a drunken blur. I know you can do this. Hang in there, my friend :hug:

[StuckinLA]

She is definitely moving out. And then last night she goes and gives me the best, kinkiest sex I have had in years. I will spare you the details, but the only possible way she could have checked off another box on my fantasy wish list involves a third person. And she's repeatedly told me she is working on finding someone, too.

It's not even 8am yet. I am about out of liquor, about out of cigarettes. I almost threw up taking a swig from the bottle of vodka, and will no doubt finish the bottle within the hour. She's asleep and will be asleep until noon, if past Saturdays are any indication of today.

She's moving out and I've used that as an excuse to drop any pretense of smoking outside. Ashtray by the bed, the apartment reeks.

At least I have jobs lined up. The 3 classes this fall, and based on the glowing recommendation of the woman I taught for over the summer, it looks like I can get classes to teach for the spring. I wish I were a better drunk. I wish there were a way to keep my girl happy. Maybe having space is the way to go, all I've said this whole time is that I need my own space. Not sure for what, though, certainly not for writing because I haven't been doing any of that.

[StuckinLA]

Fred I don't think I have ever appropriately thanked you for being one of the few rational and generous voices on this site. I guess saying thank you now will have to suffice. I do hope that you are leaving for all the right reasons and that it means things are going well for you, you deserve it. At the moment I don't feel in a position to respond to your post properly, but please know that I am reading and rereading and digesting your post today. And thank you.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Well geez, that was a really good post, Fred.

I would offer two exceptions to your otherwise excellent points. The first is that people DO care. In my experience, people try really hard to help. It's only when the help is eschewed that people have to take some distance.

I know you had a really difficult experience with antidepressants and antipsychotics, but I feel like the combination saved me from the yawning abyss of depression. (I'm taking a very low dose of the atypical antipsychotic Abilify--which works well in combination with antidepressants to treat depression.) I couldn't exercise or help myself, hell I couldn't get off the couch or out of bed on many days until I started medicating for depression. I was in full-on escape mode and started drinking again because of it. It was terrible.

Hang in there Stuck. When you're ready for help, it will be there. That's a promise. L, K

[Stevo]

G'day to everyone,

It has been a week or so since I have posted and felt that now was probably a good time to.It is just past midnight here and I can't sleep,my anxiety and/or depression seems to come and go but I have an underlying constant sense that something is not right.
I am going to see my psychologist in a week and am hoping that I can begin to see him regularly again.I have a whole bunch of questions that may or may not help for me to know the answers but I am going to try to start working them out.

Nothing much has changed for me,I am still plugging away at the course I am doing but I have almost completely stopped making my decks.I haven't pressed any new ones for almost 2 weeks which is something that I haven't done in almost 3 years except for when I was in rehab.I have a little stock and pressed veneers waiting to be shaped but I am only finishing what needs to be finished for orders.The drive has almost completely disappeared.

My mum who I have had very little to do with since I was 14 is doing her darndest to drink herself to death,she has been admitted to hospital 3 times in the last month.I live a very long way from her(for my own sanity) and am beginning to feel guilty that I may not be able to see her before she dies.She has developed pancreaitis from decades of AUD and I am pretty sure that her continuing to drink is an attempt at suicide.I suspect that the last 30 years for her were just that too.I have suspected that she was in early stages of korsikovs for the last couple of years and she is incapable of making sound decisions.This will be neither here nor there if she succeeds in finishing the job anyway.

There isn't a lot to be said as one might expect in a situation like this,I would just like to see her before she goes.
I am hoping to be able to get down to see her with my boys in a couple of weeks.My son's haven't seen her in years and my youngest wouldn't really have any memories of her at all I think,but I feel that it is important for her to be able to see them and for them to see her before it is too late.
It is a strange situation as most things attached to my family are which is why I choose to stay away.My mother has made no attempt to try to visit or get to know my children and I have not received a phone call for my birthday in years,but now that it seems to be the end of her life I feel compelled to let her know that I do love her.
I find the whole situation quite confusing.
I have never had the sort of family support that most take for granted,I don't even think that I can understand what having a family that is there for me is like.Most people can never begin to understand where I am at as the complete destruction of anything supportive in my life took place when I was a small boy.
Even though I have a beautiful partner and great kids I am alone.It is a bit like I am here for them but they cannot be here for me.I get great joy out of them yet I still stand alone and face adversity with every breathe.

Damn,sorry guys for getting all deep there.I am definitely not in a real good place at the moment and I know that journaling so to speak is good therapy.All that just kind of poured out of me.
I will cease unloading my thoughts onto this thread and save them for the psychologist.

On a positive note,I drank on the weekend as usual but not to ridiculous excess.The bac is well and truly doing its job and indifference is alive and well.I have seen a few people refer to having to fight against the bac to get drunk and that is exactly what it is like for me.On the weekend as much as I wanted to write myself off the bac was victorious and on both nights I wound up tipping beer down the sink.

I am hoping that everyone is well and I hope that things may smooth out for you Stuck.Good to see you are still posting Ne and that you are still going strong LIS even if your life is getting overwhelming.Great to see you post a couple of times too MJM.
Apologies if I have missed anyone.

Until next time take care...

Cheers Stevo.

[StuckinLA]

Steveo, journaling is good therapy. I'm a writing teacher, when I'm not a hopeless drunk, so I try to keep up on things in that field, and there was a fairly recent study done with post-surgery patients. The ones who wrote in a journal for 20 minutes a day healed faster than those who didn't, and they reported less anxiety. No difference in pain meds, just writing about whatever they felt like writing about.

And so anywhere you feel comfortable writing is a good place to start. I'm glad to see you here and posting.

Sorry about your mom. That has to be so damned difficult to deal with. My mom was a handle of gin and 2 bottles of wine a night drinker for all of my youth, but she then somehow gave it up for almost the last 20 years. I can't imagine how it must be to watch your mom drink to the point of where your mom is at. I guess I just want to say I sympathize and send my best wishes. Just visiting and spending some time with her is the right thing to do, and no matter what she does your kids will appreciate it when they are older.

All my best, everyone.

[Spiritfree]

Hi Stevo -Please do not think that you are alone in dealing with this family situation. My mother, as did Stuck's mother, gave up alcohol about 25 years ago. She was never a mean hearten drunk. My dad, however, gave up alcohol about 40 years ago and remains a very mean spirited person -most of the time -especially towards me (and he is 80 freaking years old and I was the only one who ever covered his back -so to speak.)

Steve -I am only going to offer an opinion and please only take it as such. There is no 'real' good reason for your sons to have to be around your mom now -or ever. What good purpose would it serve? Now you, on the other hand; for god's sake, it is your mother. The bond between a mom and son is truly overwhelming strong -for good reason. Your mom, right now, is not the mom that brought you into to this world -or at least it does not sound like it.

Steveo -try to move on. I have had to do this with my dad. It is gutwrenching hard at times, but that is just the way it is. Take care of yourself and take care of your immediate family. You have no control over what others do.

See Ya.

--sf--

[StuckinLA]

I don't mean to contradict you, Spirit, especially as our relationship has been fraught here in the past. I just wanted to mention that as kids grow older, as adults, it seems you look back on your family and finally appreciate just being there even for those drunken days.

Sorry to hear about your mom, Spirit. I know how rough that can be.

[Lostinspace]

Stuck - I’m sorry it took me so long to respond. I went out of town Saturday afternoon for the long weekend and couldn’t get on here because my piece of sh*t iPhone barely works anymore. Anyway, I’m very sorry your relationship isn’t working out. That’s so damn hard to deal with, especially when you’re still living with the person. I don’t have any sage advice, but please know that you’re still very much cared for here :hug:

Stevo - I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. That must be so hard watching her fade away and dealing with all those conflicting feelings towards her. I hope your visit allows you to say what you need/want to say and that it gives your kids a chance to know her just a little bit. I also hope that life in general starts to look up for you soon, and that you can start to redevelop your interests. I wish you strength and peace, and here’s a hug for you, too :hug:

[StuckinLA]

So that was what, a 2 week vodka bender? About a handle a day, so no wonder I can barely stand up today. Plus very little food over the weekend. No appetite today, plenty of Ativan to keep most of the shakiness at bay, and I really really praying for a night's sleep.

[treetops]

you know the drill Stuck - if the Ativan is not enough, get medical help as you go through withdrawal. Keep the fluids up (and I mean water or tea or juice or some insipid broth) and try to get some nourishment. Miso-based soups are really good. I hope you can sleep - because the body needs to rest. Check in when you can but try to look after yourself. You are worth it and you will write again. And I bet it will be much much better writing in time - after you do the prolonged sober trip. Almost all writers say this but when they are in the booze mindset they dont see it that way. Don't even worry about that (i.e. writing) for now. Or tomorrow or next week. Getting off and staying off the the booze has to be your No. One priority. I have seen your friends here give lots of sage advice so I am not going to rabbit on anymore - just to lend support - although this is not my regular thread. I wish you well my friend.