Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

MJM, what Lis said. I hope you'll post and let us know how you're doing sometime soon.

Stevo, thanks for checking in. I'm sorry about the anxiety about visiting your mom. I sort of understand. We're spending Christmas with my brother and his family. He can be very judgmental. It's hard for other reasons, too. I don't want to go, but it is what it is and it would break my mother's heart if we didn't participate. Anyway, not as bad as what you're facing, I don't think. But I understand why and how family things can cause anxiety.

There were many turning points when I realized that I was actually truly indifferent to alcohol, and what that really meant. But a really big one was when we went to Napa and Sonoma a couple of years ago. We had wine tastings and wine with every meal for several days. I never got drunk, though. I just didn't want to drink that much! And on the last night of our trip, I was so tired of all the rich food and wine I had a salad and a glass of water. At a really nice restaurant, in the wine capitol of the country! I was truly indifferent...Can't wait to get back there.

Stuck, I was in an EMT class with one other woman and a bunch of hot, young, firefighter/paramedic wannabes. I swooned. I even tried to flirt. Sadly, I was too old, too married, too out of the flirtation game. It was funny and kind of embarrassing. Also, a relief. Reason number 16 to stay married? So I never have to date again. Reason number 3? Because after a long time having sexy times with the same partner, things just get better. Really. Or at least that's our experience.

Lis, so glad you got an actual day off and that you took full advantage of pajama-time! I'm going to bump a thread I think you and Stevo should write on. Just if you wanna. It's been a long time since anyone has added on to it.

Hope you guys keep on keepin' on.

[MeJustMe]

Hi everyone,
Just a quick hello, am away with work for the week. Day 4 of not drinking - up to 175mg Bac and it seems to be doing the trick. Bid on a motorcycle online today and got it. Arrives in a week - this is my sobriety motorcycle -- can't have it if I'm drinking. Sorry to be so brief -- will post properly when I have some time. Hope you're all going well, LIS, Ne, Stevo, Stuck kronk - sorry if I've forgotten anyone.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

What's news with you guys? MJM, what does the motorcycle look like? I had one when I lived overseas, but now they scare me. Not enough steel around me and the other big steel things on the road. Plus, they have yet to make a bike with airbags. I like my head whole. I hope you wear a helmet? (No judgment, just sayin' they're called organ donors for a reason.)

Lis, the job? Stuck, the jobs? Stevo, the trip?

[Lostinspace]

MJM - I’m so glad to hear you’re doing so well I'm looking forward to your update and to hear more about the motorcycle.

I’m about to leave to go see a good friend for the weekend, so I won’t be around until Monday. I’m so excited, both to see her after such a long time, and to have an entire weekend off after a crazy busy week. Hell, I even got half of today off, too! Anyway, I hope everyone out there is doing well. Happy Friday!

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Great that you have a long-ish weekend and that you're going to get away from it all. Man, I love me some girl-time. Have fun!

[Stevo]

G'day to all,

Have a great weekend LIS.

MJM I remember you saying a while back that you tend to start spending money on things with engines when you aren't drinking.I hope the motorbike is good to you.

...and for you Ne,I am leaving for my mothers on the 29th of this month.I am still quite anxious about it,if there is anything that really gets to me it is dealing with my family.I left their vicinity 16 years ago and have only ever gone back for weddings and funerals.It took me 5 years to go back there the first time.
I have to say though that my anxiety is much less now thanks to bac than it has been previously,I used to not be able to sleep for days after being contacted by any of them.One of the things that interested me about bac was that Dr A was using it for his own anxiety,I related completely to his story lol,other than him being an accomplished doctor ha.These days they can call,which has been happening a lot since mum got sick and I don't do my head in about it.The anxiety is not completely gone but it is much easier to handle.
I saw on your progress thread that someone is talking about its use for anxiety,for me it has been amazing.I will have to post on your thread to let that person know my experience.
Seriously my psychologist asked me a few years ago,"on a scale of 1-10 on an average day where do you think you are anxiety wise?"I said,"I don't know maybe a 3 or 4."He laughs and says to me,"on a good day you are a 6 or a 7."
These days he is blown away with how calm I seem when I walk into his office,he usually says these days,"since you are doing so well we don't need to make another appointment,just call me when you need to."
I have known him for years now and when he first met me I was a ball of stress,I couldn't sit still and was constantly fidgeting.Now we just sit and chat he has told me that he will be doing some research into baclofen when he is finished studying whatever it is that he researching at the moment due to the change that he has seen in me.

So I had a drink last night but not much and I am not far from cracking a beer this afternoon being that it is Saturday here in Australia.I can't see myself making a night of it,it is a beautiful day here and a few beers just sounds like a nice thing to do.There are no friends coming over or anything like that.

It has been so good to see all the activity going on in here lately from everyone and I know that you announced it in Ne's thread Dun but congratulations on your indifference...Woohoo.
New people posting and old crew posting,it is really very cool.I don't think the meds section has been so active since I first came onto here,which has to be getting close to a year ago now.

Not much else to report,I am still studying away and have had my first 6 modules assessed and passed.I have started on 7 and hope to have that finished by the end of next week.
I am actually thinking of going on to do a D and A diploma next as I get the feeling that the medical approach to recovery being the new normal is maybe not too far away and although I have always said that I would not touch the D and A professional world with a ten foot pole I am thinking that maybe when attitudes change it may be a good field for me to be in.
I would never want to work in a rehab but I am thinking as a case manager for an outpatient treatment program or something like that.It's just a thought at the moment.

As always my posts wind up being longer than intended but it is what it is haha.I hope everyone else is well Kronk,Stuck and anyone that I may have missed...Until next time take care.

Cheers Stevo.

edit-Just realised that the thread that I read about anxiety on was not yours Ne,but I have copied and pasted the relevant section of this post in to the appropriate thread.

[MeJustMe]

Stevo, I hope your visit is going to me okay -- from what you've said, it seems that you will do fine. Sounds like you're blitzing it with our study -- well done! I hope you do have an opportunity to help in the D&A field -- at the moment though they are so entrenched with the 1930s AA method it is ridiculous.

LIS -- I'm glad you're getting some time out and having a relaxing weekend, even happier to see you've been sober for so long! Well done!. Very happy for you.

I'm now eight days without a drink, and while it's been up and down, mostly it's been pretty good. Most of this week I've been away with work, which was not as hard as I thought it would be -- AL flowed freely in the evenings, but I was just not interested.

I have been soooo tired though -- I think mostly from the Bac. I'm at 175mg, and have been for about a week. It could be that I have sleep apnea though -- I snore a lot these days. I am buying a mouth guard that you can wear through the night to stop snoring and see if that helps. Either way, I'm not going to titrate down.

I bought an ex-police BMW, a motorcycle I've been looking at for a long, long while. I owned such a bike 12 years ago and loved it, but sold it when we had our first child 10 years ago. Ne, we have to wear helmets here, and I def would wear one anyway!

Stevo, I usually window-shop for cars or motorcycles when sober or in early sobriety -- this time I guess I got a little carried away

I bought a motorcycle two years ago, but was drinking then. I dropped the bike on the demo ride, being cavalier and forgetting new tyres are slippery. I ended up buying that bike, although I didn't really want it so much. So as I was drinking, I barely rode it and sold it 6 mths later.

This time I am being more considered about it -- I will do a motorcycle training course before I ride my new bike, as it has been 10 years since I have ridden regularly. I like the complete focus you have to have when riding -- it is all about the here and now -- mindfulness. It is going to be my freedom machine.

[dundrinkn]

MJM, I fell off a motorcycle once in H.S. It was stationary. I was drunk. I burned my arm on the muffler. I think it was probably a blessing that I fell off before we got moving. I haven't been on one since -- figured it was a sign from God. Thought I can totally identify with that feeling of freedom, control, and complete focus. During one of my longer stints with sobriety I took up rock climbing for that very reason. And I am terrified of heights. (Ne, that the counter phobic part of the 6. I push against my boundaries all the time. Sometimes in not so wise ways.)

Lis -- Glad you're getting away for a break. I hope it is refreshing. You sound busy but good. Hope things are better with your husband.

Stevo -- Hope the trip to see your family is better than you're anticipating. Sometimes it can be healing when we show up and can hold our space and not run emotionally. It just unravels all the mythology around the stories we have about our childhood and lets us see people as people -- for all their fucked uppedness. It doesn't mean you will choose to be in relationship with them anymore, but you can separate from a place of clarity instead of reactivity. Don't know if that makes sense or not.

Stuck -- it's the weekend. Where are you??

I am good...still. Had some leg pain last night which is a bummer. But not too terrible. Will stay steady where I am for a while with meds and see if it evens out. I've had some boredom this weekend, even though I have much writing to do. And I thought wow, not long ago I was filling up this time by drinking. But I really have no desire. Once I think through the whole deal, I get to the actually drinking and it is just a big dud. Something has definitely unhooked in my head there. So I'm trying not to pick at it too much and find other ways to fill up the time. Like walk the dogs.

Speaking of dogs. I have a dog who has severe anxiety (I'm sure it's my fault). He is stressed out by many things. Flys, airplanes... people. He is almost six, and I would like to drug him. I'm tired of trying behavior modification. My vet isn't inclined to us drugs and taking the dog to another vet will be treacherous. He goes after dogs and people when he gets stressed out (which a new vet office will do). So any thoughts anyone? You can also PM me if you don't want to clog the boards with animal issues.

That's all from the beautiful Colorado Rockies this gorgeous morning.

[StuckinLA]

Hey everybody. I'm kind of back to my drinking ways. Not all-day, but too much. Last week was long, and annoying, and had to make an extra trip down to the school where I'm teaching an hour away, for a conference I didn't want to attend. But I need some face and name recognition there, because I really need that job to continue past this fall.

I got one job application in - a day late, but they said applications will begin being reviewed the 17th, and remain open until all positions are filled. I got it in this morning, which is obviously not ideal, so I don't know if I missed the initial pack to be looked at or what. Hopefully not. Either way, the chances for any of these jobs are so minuscule that whatever.

One of the houses across the street has an alarm or a smoke detector that's been going off since Wednesday. It doesn't go off during the day, but all night. Everyone in my building is going nuts - no one can sleep, we are all pissed. Including the girl and me.

I guess if that's our worst problem we are doing all right. A little bit of a flip out on Friday, after she'd gone out for drinks with the girls from work and I'd been at the bar. Came home and she was upset and drinking wine, and that didn't go well but we made up in the morning, just in time for me to start drinking again with friends watching football all day.

It felt like a good day, but time to get back to work for the next week of classes and the next round of job applications. I would love to get some writing in there too, but I don't see that really happening.

Ok so that ended up being a lot more rambling than I intended. Hope everyone is having a good one.

[kronkcarr]

I am good...still. Had some leg pain last night which is a bummer. But not too terrible. Will stay steady where I am for a while with meds and see if it evens out. I've had some boredom this weekend, even though I have much writing to do. And I thought wow, not long ago I was filling up this time by drinking. But I really have no desire. Once I think through the whole deal, I get to the actually drinking and it is just a big dud. Something has definitely unhooked in my head there. So I'm trying not to pick at it too much and find other ways to fill up the time. Like walk the dogs.

That's all from the beautiful Colorado Rockies this gorgeous morning.

Congratulations on your indifference! I'm imagining the Rockies--beautiful but I'm so happy I don't live in cold anymore.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

I love the mountains so much. Can't believe we live where it's flat! At this point, after living in a warm climate for so long, I'm fairly cold intolerant. Though I'm so glad it's cooled down here because I'm not sweating all the time. Still haven't done the blood tests I'm supposed to do...



Stuck, sorry about the drinking and the annoying week. I totally understand the need for face time, though. Hope it works. And hope you get the job, too. If you don't stay in academia, what would you want to do?



MJM, the bike sounds fun. I have a thing for BMWs of all kinds. They're lovely. And zippy. Glad you're taking a refresher class, too. Smart thinkin'. Also really happy you found something to fill your time and the money to indulge. That's a big bonus of being sober, in my experience.



Dun, sorry about the leg pain. Have you thought about taking an extra Gaba just for those times? Seems like it works that way...Meaning, you don't have to stay at an elevated dose (the way you do with baclofen) but can take it PRN too. (Which some people do with baclofen, too, when they have increased anxiety.) So great about that switch to indifference. It's a whole new world! And lucky for your dogs too.



I would probably go to the vet and explain the situation and insist on meds. If she still won't provide, you'll have to deal with another vet. Do they have vets that make home visits where you are? Might be worth it...My dog Goose was crazy-anxious, too. (Also my fault.) She got xanax when things got bad. I have also read that some dogs, who have chronic anxiety, can get antidepressants. We didn't have to do that, but would have in a heartbeat if her anxiety hadn't calmed as she got older. (Very helpful that for the last couple of years she was close to deaf. That was such a blessing! Ha!)



Stevo, I'm assuming D and A is Drugs and Alcohol, but what does that mean? What are you studying now and what are you thinking about studying? I'm confused.



My anxiety in the beginning was so much less I couldn't believe it. Perhaps it would have stayed low if I'd stayed at or near my switch dose. There's no telling now. I hope that's how it works for you. But don't hesitate to get help or take action should the anxiety rear it's ugly head again. Different times and experiences often call for different actions. Just keep it in mind.



Gotta run and this was quite long enough. xx

[Samstone]

Stevo, I hope your visit is going to me okay -- from what you've said, it seems that you will do fine. Sounds like you're blitzing it with our study -- well done! I hope you do have an opportunity to help in the D&A field -- at the moment though they are so entrenched with the 1930s AA method it is ridiculous.

LIS -- I'm glad you're getting some time out and having a relaxing weekend, even happier to see you've been sober for so long! Well done!. Very happy for you.

I'm now eight days without a drink, and while it's been up and down, mostly it's been pretty good. Most of this week I've been away with work, which was not as hard as I thought it would be -- AL flowed freely in the evenings, but I was just not interested.

I have been soooo tired though -- I think mostly from the Bac. I'm at 175mg, and have been for about a week. It could be that I have sleep apnea though -- I snore a lot these days. I am buying a mouth guard that you can wear through the night to stop snoring and see if that helps. Either way, I'm not going to titrate down.

I bought an ex-police BMW, a motorcycle I've been looking at for a long, long while. I owned such a bike 12 years ago and loved it, but sold it when we had our first child 10 years ago. Ne, we have to wear helmets here, and I def would wear one anyway!

Stevo, I usually window-shop for cars or motorcycles when sober or in early sobriety -- this time I guess I got a little carried away

I bought a motorcycle two years ago, but was drinking then. I dropped the bike on the demo ride, being cavalier and forgetting new tyres are slippery. I ended up buying that bike, although I didn't really want it so much. So as I was drinking, I barely rode it and sold it 6 mths later.

This time I am being more considered about it -- I will do a motorcycle training course before I ride my new bike, as it has been 10 years since I have ridden regularly. I like the complete focus you have to have when riding -- it is all about the here and now -- mindfulness. It is going to be my freedom machine.

I just recently got a 96 beemer. Sold my olds ones (1978, 1973) this summer and upgraded (I hope). I've seen those police bikes and almost bought one, a K bike, but decided on this one. One word of caution that I'm sure you're already aware of: DO NOT drink and ride, I've come soooo close to killing myself.

Enjoy!!
Sam

[StuckinLA]

All this talk about motorcycles, and yesterday the girl and I went to a biker rally. Love Ride? Maybe it'll mean something to y'all, maybe not. Guess it's been going on for 30 years, charity, benefiting the wounded warriors project, that kind of thing. Anyway, one of my favorite bands was playing (Social Distortion) and Foo Fighters were also playing and they're the girl's favorite band. So we stood out in the sun next to a lake, surrounded by people dressed in leather.

I don't know what I'll do if I don't get a job this year.

I have 2 options: take control of my CV and work really hard this year to get a couple more academic articles published. I could probably do 3. Then maybe present at a conference or 2, and give the job market one more year.

Or I could pack it all in and figure out something else, something outside academia.

Neither of those are all that appealing. And it's just very stressful, trying to figure all this out, and at the same time worry about making enough money to live in the meantime, and still teach all my classes - which are a pain in the nuts.

Seriously. Teaching new classes every damned time is so much fucking work. Every day I'm trying to plan classes and if I don't start managing my time better, well I won't do any of the bigger picture stuff.

Ok that's enough bitching from me for one day. Hope you all are doing well.

[MeJustMe]

I just recently got a 96 beemer. Sold my olds ones (1978, 1973) this summer and upgraded (I hope). I've seen those police bikes and almost bought one, a K bike, but decided on this one. One word of caution that I'm sure you're already aware of: DO NOT drink and ride, I've come soooo close to killing myself.

Enjoy!!
Sam

Sounds great -- I have a soft spot for BMWs, this is my 5th. I have only ridden drunk once about 15 years ago on my R 1150 GS (well, it was the morning after) and never again. It was frightening. What I meant about crashing two years ago was that I was physically sober (by maybe a day or two) but my head was in that fog of drinking. That, I do not miss. I like having a clear head so much.

Mind you, the Bac is still making me so tired! My wife tells me I have not been snoring the last few days -- maybe the snoring was a side-effect of drinking. I have good periods during the day, then I get periods of tiredness where I just want to go to sleep. It passes, but it isn't fun. I'm wondering about titrating down to 160mg (from 175).

Dun -- fantastic news about hitting the switch! Very happy for you.

Stuck -- I hope you can sort out the work stuff. It is stressful, esp when you are not on the full-time payroll of a company. I am freelance, and while I am really busy now, it wasn't always like that. Hang in there.

[Lostinspace]

Thanks, Ne. Although the weekend was a total nightmare, which I’ll write more about later. Hope you’re doing well.

Stevo - I’m so glad to hear your studies are going well and that you’re inspired to continue your education even further. I have the same question as Ne - I don’t know what D and A stands for. Oh, and so glad that the bac has helped so enormously with your anxiety. Very good news all around!

MJM - So very happy to hear about the AF time and indifference! And congrats on the bike. That sounds like a lot of fun.

dun - Congrats again on reaching indifference. I’m sorry you had a little leg pain last night. Hopefully it’s just a fluke (or at least the extent of it, and it won’t ever get worse). Oh, and I also took up rock climbing years ago despite being deathly afraid of heights. I didn’t do it to push my boundaries, though. My husband (then my new boyfriend) liked rock climbing and I tried it a few times to impress him - until one time when I became overwhelmed with fear. I moved sideways across the rock face to a small ledge that was just big enough to sit my butt down on where I proceeded to cry my eyes out and yell over and over about how I was going to die. I don’t think I impressed him that day.

Stuck - I’m so sorry about the smoke detector. You might think that’s a little problem, but I would be absolutely batshit insane if I couldn’t sleep since last Wednesday!! I’m also sorry about the drinking, but please don’t beat yourself up. I drank myself for the first in three months this past weekend. It was absolute disaster, which I’ll write more about later. Good luck with the job. I really hope it works out for you. I think your first plan (try to get more academic papers published and attend conferences), along with the classes you’re teaching this semester would be a good boost to your CV. Don’t give up just yet! You only need to get your foot in the door once.

kronk - Nice to see you (briefly).

So now for my story of this awful, disastrous weekend. I’m so ashamed to even tell you guys, but I want to stay honest. If I can’t be honest in a forum for alcoholics, then what’s the point? I did end up forcing myself to drink EVEN THOUGH I’M INDIFFERENT!!! I had to choke it down because it was disgusting and I didn’t really want it, but I somehow got it through my imbecile brain that it would make the weekend more fun. My friend in a little nutty (I say that in the most loving way), and she can be a little hard to keep up with sometimes, so I forced myself to drink. Problem is that after not drinking at all for 3 months, plus greatly reduced drinking for over a year prior to that thanks to baclofen, I’ve lost a lot of my tolerance. I knew it would be lower than it was, so I didn’t bring quite as much vodka with me as I used to drink, but I did drink all day on Saturday. I started when we first woke up (7 am). By somewhere around 7:00 to 9:00 pm that night (I’m not really sure), I was in a blackout.

According to her, we got in a huge fight. She kicked me out (temporarily - she says she was never planning to leave me on the streets alone my myself in an unfamiliar city). Anyway, right after she kicked me out, I apparently started kicking the outside of her door repeatedly while screaming obscenities at her. When she didn’t respond to me, I went up and down the hallways creating havoc by falling into people’s doors and trying to open some of them (I guess I was lost and didn’t know how to get out?). Several of the residents in her building complained both directly to her, as well as to the building’s management. She let me back in for the night only so that I wouldn’t be mugged, raped and/or killed out on the streets. She now won’t talk to me at all. The last text I got from her (late last night after I had already gotten home) was her telling me that she was deleting me from her contact list in her cell phone because she wants nothing to do with me. I am so mired in regret and shame and self-hatred that it’s making me physically ill. I don’t know what to do (other than cry, which I’ve already done a lot of). What the f*ck was I thinking?! I don’t need to drink AT ALL. Yet I forced myself to do it anyway and turned into a drunken monster.

I also apologize to everyone on all the other threads because I just don’t have it in me right now to catch up on everything I missed over the weekend. I’m gonna go cry again, curl up on the couch, and pretend that I don’t wish I were dead. I hope everyone else out there is doing a hell of a lot better than me.