Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Yeah, I'm a chick! I know, I hit the bottle WAY harder than most women do. Makes me feel even more like a freak - and like my husband is right for hating me. But, all I I can do is try. I will continue on my current path for a few more days. If I'm successful in cutting back, as I was once before, then I'm home-free. Otherwise, I'll need to go back to that (albeit very nice) doctor who told me he doesn't want to prescribe me Librium anymore. (I've gone to him to detox twice already over the past couple years, only to end up drinking again). He's my psychiatrist, so I get another pill from him for people who are, shall we say, completely neurotic and can't sleep AT ALL, despite the fact that they drink constantly? Plus, he prescribes my baclofen. I don't want to hurt that relationship. I have to make it work on my own.

And thank you. I know we all make mistakes, but I've made way too many. I hope I can make this up to him once and for all. It's killing me.

[Eber]

Here we go again

I'm new here too, tho a longtime lurker as well. I'm about to start a comprehensive treatment program with a doc friendly to high dose baclofen that will also include therapy and other things that I really hope will help me get my shit together generally.

Tapering can work if you can maintain it without succumbing to getting drunk again, which is usually what I do. I've been working up to what today will be 100 mg of baclofen over the past week. It's been no trouble at all except that I keep falling asleep at night watching movies with my girlfriend. However, during the day I've felt amazing. It may be partially the high of being sober for about a week. Today I got hit with an intense craving that led me to go get a couple of beers. I've not yet worked up to a dose of baclofen that stops that apparently. I'd been coerced into taking antibuse last wednesday at the program that I've now left in favor of a private, out of pocket practice that I'm very enthusiastic and hopeful about starting, and had a pretty bad reaction. Anyway, not sure how this helps, but I have my job on the line if I don't cut things out, and fortunately I think I'm in a place where I've found treatment that can, I think, really help me.

I think the baclofen has started to make a difference as I've ramped it up, but I'm not there yet. I think I sense something, however, and I'd really reccommend tapering yourself down to zero if you can and trying to give yourself a few days. I experienced a pretty amazing feeling after being sober for a few, and it'd been a long time.. I got there by being "medically" detoxed by an HMO chemical dependency recovery center, essentially given a bunch of benzos and told to sleep it off. I drank on them, and honestly that experience, which almost ruined my relationship, probably had more to do with maintaining my sobriety over the week than anything else. I stopped taking them after that.

Good luck! It's worth it, I believe. We have to, because if we don't believe it is we can lose it all.

[skullbabyland]

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Hi, LiS, thought I'd pop in and say welcome. It sounds like you're beginning with baclofen and just wanted to wish you luck, and a word of unsolicited advice, for what it's worth. And that is- try to be gentle with yourself during this time. You use a noticeable amount of self-critical talk. Don't get me wrong, I've done the same, a LOT, but I eventually found that it's important to try to show yourself some love and forgiveness, even if you feel you don't deserve it- because in fact, you DO deserve it.

Try to counter and interrupt all that negative self-talk when it happens with some positive. It'll feel awkward for a while and you may not believe it. But keep doing it and it'll become reality. I know that probably sounds like bullshit but it really is true- happiness is a choice we choose to make, and a continual daily practice, as is gratitude and forgiveness. All of these are super important imo.

OK, well hopefully that's not too much lecturing of unsolicited advice, and whatever happens, wishing you the best of luck in the early days.

PS, some folks find it helpful in the early days to count sober days, even if they're infrequent, either on their threads or on the Newbie's Nest Daily Count thread- others don't like to. I for one find it helpful.

Have a good day Spacegirl!

[Molly78]

Here we go again

LIS, you say you don't normally have blackouts? Baclofen & alcohol potentiate each other, so you might find yourself being affected more by the same amount of alcohol if you continue to drink as you increase the dose of baclofen. I wonder if that's what happened to you?

Best of luck with your tapering down. Like others, I found it easier in the end to go cold turkey & give the baclofen a fighting chance!

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Hey there, LIS. That has a nice ring to it, no? Anyway, sorry to drop in and drop out like that yesterday. I got waaaaaay baked, and don't really like writing or interacting with others in any way when I'm high. Paranoid, etc. But yeah, echo what's been said - try not to be negative. You are taking a huge step! And an important one, and hopefully people will be there to support you (we certainly will be!), since supporting yourself can be a terrible pain in the ass, and the temptation to get down on yourself is great. But do try to be gentle with yourself and take things easy. Naps. Chocolate. Whatever it takes.

Bac doesn't potentiate alcohol like benzos do, it's not exactly the same. It's weird, but you'll see. Just keep taking the pills.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks Eber! It’s good to have another newbie here. These boards have certainly slowed down since I first started lurking. Maybe we can support each other on our journeys? I know what it’s like to have your job on the line. I had a job that discovered I was drinking during working hours - they actually gave me a chance and sent me to rehab. I relapsed hard five days after getting out and was promptly fired. Good for you for sticking it out! Never give up. It is doable. I actually found a place on only 80 mg of baclofen (the most my doctor will prescribe), where my cravings were fewer and less intense to the point that I could argue the thought out of my head, more often than not. I certainly wasn’t perfect, but drinking a few nights a week, as opposed to all day, EVERY day, is a vast improvement I think. Hang in there.

Skull, thank you for saying that. I know that beating myself up does nothing to improve my situation, but I still, on some level, feel that I need to be punished. Especially when my husband still won’t even look at me, let alone talk to me. I will work on that. Thank you for your warm welcome!

Molly, thanks for the advice. You’re probably right. I normally only drink to maintain a buzz. I’ve been known to get blackout drunk many times even in the past, but it’s gotten worse since starting on seroquel to help me sleep. I don’t think it’s the baclofen, since I’ve only been taking it sporadically (if at all) since my last relapse.

And thanks, Stuck. I used to be a huge stoner back in the day, so i understand. Never paranoid, strangely enough (unless I was out and about and actually WALKING PAST A COP! But, yeah, I need to work on my negativity.

Anyway, quick update since I’ve written a novel already. I stuck to my taper down today. Feeling good about that. Still titrating up on the baclofen as well (currently up to 50 mg). Hopefully, I will continue on this path and not cause further damage to my life, and, most immediately, my marriage. It’s killing me inside that he won’t even look at me. Anyhoo, good day to you all, and thank you for your continued support. (And thank you if you made it this long - God, I write too much!!!).

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Oh, and Eber, I just realized how much my post might not have been a help. Don't be discouraged by the fact that I never actually stopped drinking while on baclofen. I'm a work in progress, starting from a complete wreck. I didn't give it enough time (along with other life changes). Things got hectic at work, I stopped taking the baclofen almost completely, because I simply lost my daily routine that I had worked out. The baclofen didn't stop helping me to change my life. I STOPPED TAKING IT! Even at lower doses, it did help with my cravings after a complete detox. This, of course, is only my personal experience. But, I have been on many anti-alcohol drugs and I can truly say that this is the only one that has helped (albeit, if you don't reach the point of indifference from what I can imagine it would be like, there are still are a lot of mind-games, but they are much easier to navigate). Anyway, I wish you the best!

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

My drinking slowed way down to an almost dead stop in the high 100s, right around 200mg/day. I wasn't trying to stop drinking - I was hoping to "moderate," aka get blitzed only a couple days a week - but couldn't be bothered to drink more than 1 or 2 drinks at the bar. I had to stop running a tab, because I'd never reach the $10 minimum. Under that, though, below 150? Game f**king on.

So don't give up hope! I stopped drinking completely only because I stopped taking bac (lot of reasons). Something will work.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks for the encouragement, Stuck. Unfortunately, my doc only prescribes 80 mg. I'm hoping to talk him into more. I would LOVE to experience the kind of indifference I hear others speak of. For reasons that are too long-winded and complicated to go into here, my husband would not approve of me ordering additional bac online - that would be a huge fight (and he works from a home-based business - I do not - so guess who would get the package first?).

Anyway, quick update: I did not stick to my taper down plan today, unfortunately, but it was not a total loss. I only drank the same amount as yesterday, nothing more. So I'm once again one day further behind schedule. But, so far, I haven't backtracked (reverted to drinking as much as I f*#king please). My screw-ups are only in that I don't move down to the next level. I still think I can do this and I'm not giving up. It's just getting harder and harder as reality sets in, and I realize how much it hurts to have my husband still disgusted with me. Not to make excuses, but every little bit of numbness I can get right now, even if it only lasts for a moment, is very welcome. I know I have a lot to work on.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

That's not a f**k up, that's called maintenance!

You're doing great, Lis. Really great. And don't let anybody f**king take that away from you. Drinking less than your norm, less than you want, less than you need, even, is a great big goddamned accomplishment. You're holding steady, getting used to having less, and you'll keep moving on down to none soon. It's a precarious balancing act, sure, and I can tell you're worried a little about the chance of a slip-up. But stay strong and hold the course.

Keep working on the doc. Lots of documentation around here if you think that would help, studies n' such. Let me know and I'll point you toward the links. (though they're mostly here: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...ead-38718.html)

[emily]

Here we go again

StuckinLA;1673265 wrote: That's not a f**k up, that's called maintenance!

You're doing great, Lis. Really great. And don't let anybody f**king take that away from you. Drinking less than your norm, less than you want, less than you need, even, is a great big goddamned accomplishment. You're holding steady, getting used to having less, and you'll keep moving on down to none soon. It's a precarious balancing act, sure, and I can tell you're worried a little about the chance of a slip-up. But stay strong and hold the course.

Keep working on the doc. Lots of documentation around here if you think that would help, studies n' such. Let me know and I'll point you toward the links. (though they're mostly here: https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...ead-38718.html)

This is just what I needed to hear this morning Stuck, thank you.

I'm up to 130mg of bac per day and coping fine with side effects. I find I still want to drink though (habit I think because this kicks in mostly at the weekend) but if I switch to beer, well lager, I only want a couple, with wine on the other hand I still want to drink the entire bottle, work in progress.

I sometimes lie in bed at night and think to myself, what the f*ck are you doing drinking at all, I top up with the online prescription (I'm only prescribed 80mg also) and I find the cost an issue (for me at the moment).

But, as Stuck has pointed out it is a balancing act and a huge victory that I don't drink as LIS said as much as I bloody well want and to hell with the consequences for whatever was coming the next day.

It's all good, I no longer walk the dog on a Monday morning full of hopelessness, my dailiy anxiety is lifting due to personal developments work I've been able to do due to not being stuck in a weekly pattern of drunk weekends, mon, tues, wed spent trying to get body and mind back only to repeat on the Thursday. This has all gone.

So thank you for the reminder on this beautiful sunny day in Scotland of just how far I have came.

[Molly78]

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Well done both of you, LIS & Emily.

Emily, I also found habit hard to overcome. The glass of wine in the evening after work was so ingrained, difficult to find a substitute. Still haven't, really. I find I now eat as soon as I get in, so that "space" where I used to sit & drink just isn't there any more. I am now only drinking on social occasions & as I don't have many of those it works pretty well!

Press on, both of you. Best of luck.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks so much for the encouragement, Stuck! And, yes, I will keep working on the doc. I’m a little sheepish about bringing in studies to him, but what do I have to lose? I will try.

emily, I’m glad you’re getting more done, feeling less anxiety and moving forward. Just keep on the path. You’re further ahead on the bac titration scale than me, so I can’t comment, but I hear it only gets better (outside of side effects, of course, which wane over time). The habit part is very difficult to break. There were some days, the last time I was on bac, that I didn’t even really want to drink that much, but did it anyway. We just have to develop new habits I guess.

Molly, thank you for the encouragement. I will press on.

Update: No, I did not stick to my taper down schedule, once again. However, I also maintained at the same level once again. I’ve already gotten back up to 80 mg of baclofen. I did a pretty aggressive titration this time out of impatience. No side effects. It seems to be helping already. My cravings are definitely less - to the point that I can at least maintain and not go backwards. I actually (no, definitely, if I really tried) think I could have done with less booze tonight if it weren’t for the fact that my marriage is failing and I just didn’t want to face it with an even greater level of reality than what I’m already on. He usually doesn’t stay mad for this long. I asked him outright if we were ever going to be okay again, and he sad “no, I don’t think so. Not this time. People who love each other don’t keep doing the same things over and over, then saying they’re sorry. You’re not sorry and you don’t love me.” I can’t respond to that. I’m in a very dark place right now, but I hope to god I can make it right eventually, if I never repeat that foolish, hurtful behavior. I WILL forge forward. Pain is biology's way of making you remember things, right?

[caro/3]

Here we go again

Dear LIS,

Just thought I would say welcome too.

I can really relate to the problems you are having with your husband. Mine would be (understandably) so angry with me because of my drinking and the way I would disgrace myself.

But things do get better, and given time and when he see's all the effort you are making to stop drinking he should thaw out.

I am now 52 and I thought I would never to able to stop drinking. I have not had a drink for over a year and feel so much better in every way. I used a lot of self critical language too at first, but gradually my mood improved and I have so much more self esteem.

Like you I would accuse myself of all sorts of horrible things and be completely bewildered why I couldn't stop drinking. Well you are finding it hard to stop drinking because you have a disease which
is not your fault. You should be proud of yourself for keeping trying. VERY PROUD. Everyone on this board knows exactly what you are going through and we have all had numerous attempts at trying to stop/cut down.

Hang in there because life on the other side of the mess is so wonderful and can be achieved.

I don't post much now, too busy now living a productive happy life!

But I wish you the best of luck.

Caro x

X

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thank you caro/3 for your kind words. I just came back to check to boards because, well, I am dying inside. I keep trying to go on with life and to better myself at that. But, then, my husband comes into the same room as me and, all of a sudden, I?m reminded. I knew damn well on Saturday (as well as god knows how many times before), that I shouldn?t keep drinking. I was already seeing double. HELLO!!!!! Warning sign. Stop drinking, you fool! I didn?t. He may never come to forgive me this time and I can?t change the past. That hurts, a lot. But, whatever comes of it, I will try my best to be a better woman this time around. Sorry to bellyache. I have no one else to talk to and I?m just finally spilling my guts out. I?m trying to learn to be okay with myself and to stay positive. I really appreciate your responding. But, I should know better, because I?ve been given many chances to get things right, I just haven?t so far. I will come around eventually (soon).