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[StuckinLA]

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So much resonated with your post, Lis. I never had an accident - thank all that's holy - but the DUIs, the loss of a driver's license, trips to court, and then so much public transportation to get anywhere for 2 f**king years. All the damned hoops to jump through to get a license back and just throwing money at lawyers. Yeah, that was a stressful time and a big, big hassle.

Anyway I was the total opposite: I started off at the bars, late afternoon or early evening, reading or grading papers and chatting with the bartenders. Then once I was good and buzzed I'd stop at a liquor store on the way home to pick up a bottle and finish off the rest of the night at home. Oh, the memories. Had a really random thought this morning, as I woke up kinda twisted all around in bed and with the pillows sort of everywhere and the sheet tangled up under my leg, reaching over to light a cigarette I realized I haven't woken up to any ashtrays spilled on the floor in a long, long time. And that thought felt pretty good. So whatever else I'm doing, at least I don't have to clean up a f**king ashtray in the morning, and that's about as powerful a motivation to keep going as any AA platitudes.

Hope you're waking up to a good one today, too! And hi everybody else on this thread. :l:l

[Lostinspace]

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I know what you mean, Eber, about not wanting to worry other people, in addition to not wanting to have to live your own life in fear. I’ve caused far too many people unnecessary worry over the years. And that’s what I want too - to be able to go out to eat, or to other places where people are drinking, and not either feel like I’m hanging on by a string or feel jealousy or resentment that I’m not drinking with them. Glad to hear your cravings are way down and that it's getting better. I hope you reach that sweet spot of indifference soon.

Thanks, Stuck. DUIs (or DWIs as they’re called where I live) are a major stress! And besides the legal consequences, the difficulty in transportation, and the enormous expense of it all, there’s also the shame and fear that others will find out. I’ve often heard my coworkers, and others, say some pretty vitriolic things about drunk drivers that made me want to crawl under a table and hide. The worst part is that when I do finally begin driving again, I have to have a breathalyzer installed on my car for a year. I’ll have to blow into it to start my car and every 15 minutes thereafter to keep my car from shutting itself off. I’m terrified of people seeing it and judging me. Thanks for the hugs, and enjoy the freedom from not having to clean spilled ashtrays. I’m a smoker, too, so I know how messy that is!

Well, today I finally started to make some more forward progress on tapering down after days of getting stuck at the same level. If I continue to stick to the plan from here on out, I’ll be AF by this weekend

[kronkcarr]

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Lostinspace and Eber--Welcome. I'm sorry I'm late to your posts. I've felt so much of what both of you post. I want you to know when you reach indifference and use common sense you'll feel so free. I do drink occasionally and I don't care either way about it. It is such a wonderful feeling to have a drink and not want, need or scheme about getting the next drink.

[Samandkatharine]

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I agree with Kronk. Once I got rid of the alcohol obsession I can focus on reality. Reality sucks sometimes but at least I can deal with it now.

Sam

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks for the welcome, kronk. That's exactly what I want - to not care one way or the other. The obsessing, scheming, going way out of my to get and hide alcohol from my husband and others, etc., is exhausting and a waste of a life.

Sam - yes, reality can suck sometimes. To be honest, I'm still TERRIFIED of facing life without the fog of alcohol to shield me, but I do want to learn how. As a side note, I love your profile pic - it's absolutely adorable

[Samandkatharine]

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Lostinspace;1675112 wrote: Thanks for the welcome, kronk. That's exactly what I want - to not care one way or the other. The obsessing, scheming, going way out of my to get and hide alcohol from my husband and others, etc., is exhausting and a waste of a life.

Sam - yes, reality can suck sometimes. To be honest, I'm still TERRIFIED of facing life without the fog of alcohol to shield me, but I do want to learn how. As a side note, I love your profile pic - it's absolutely adorable

Thanks!:h

[StuckinLA]

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Where the f**k did today go? I didn't sleep *that* late, till 10, and wrote for a bit when I got up, but suddenly it was like 3 o'clock. I cleaned out my closet and took a bag of clothes to goodwill, trying to make space for the GFs long visit coming up, and have another couple of boxes of old electronics and things to take for recycling. And I found some kick-ass speakers that I had buried under piles of sh*t in the closet, so I have super-loud music again . But other than that, what the hell? It's after 6 already.

Ugh. Days are flying by and I'm not even f**king drinking. Christ, I want to. Want to go on down to the bar and tie a good one on, sit for three or four hours drinking, then come on back home to my new old loud as f**k speakers and drink whiskey for the rest of the night until passing out probably in a puddle of my own drool. Yeah, not pretty, but that's about the only thing that feels real anymore. My whole life seems to be just memories of being drunk and everything seems to be in the past. Even as I work my nuts off for the future, it doesn't feel like there's any future out there. One of the reasons I agreed to the GFs long visit in the first place: it does not feel like it could possibly be real. This whole past five or six years has no weight behind it. I can bring memories to mind - probably more than I give myself credit for, many, many memories are shockingly clear - but the time itself has no depth to it. Found a letter I wrote to one of my first exGFs 4 years ago, crumpled at the bottom of a stack of Tshirts. Read it, can't remember if I ever wrote it out on another few sheets of paper and mailed it, and I'm talking then about the same goddamned things I talk about now. School, novel, tough time writing, drinking too much, missing her. The only difference was back then I was starting a relationship with a French girl and now a different girl's moving in. The cats are older. I'm older. And that's it.

I'm torn between slash-n-burn, throw every damned scrap of everything in the trash, and holding on so hard to even the smallest thing. Like a cheap Xmas stocking, that means nothing, given to me most likely by the French girl. Why hold onto it? Yet there it goes, into a box of other junk that doesn't get tossed away. Like AA sayings, my favorite of which appears in David Foster Wallace's _Infinite Jest_: "Everything I've ever let go of has claw marks on it."

F**king hell. Sorry to blow up your thread, Lis. No derail - I just needed to vent for a sec. Oh, and you don't have to put a reason for editing if you don't want to, you can leave that field blank. But it's adorable that you did on that last post.

Hugs all 'round. :l

[caro/3]

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Hi LIS,

Just checking in to 'say hello'.

I can really relate to the problems maintaining friendships when drinking, you are not alone there.

Stuck posted earlier that (I paraphrase) there is something quite magical about being able to take or leave booze in a bar. This is so true, the freedom not to be obsessed about alcohol is only something another alkie would appreciate. The switch is life changing, but it will take time for you to adjust on the other side. But, things will get better and most importantly you will be able to face life with a clear head.

You are on the right path now, you'll be amazed how a lot of problems disappear when you are not ruled by alcohol.

Caro x

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Caro. I hope to soon find that magical place of being around others drinking and not caring. I appreciate the encouragement.

Update: I stuck to my taper down plan once again! Work has been driving me up a wall the past couple of days and I'm stressed out beyond words. I so badly wanted to melt into oblivion when I finally walked out the door, but I resisted. I WILL make this work.

[StuckinLA]

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Lostinspace;1675429 wrote:
Update: I stuck to my taper down plan once again! Work has been driving me up a wall the past couple of days and I'm stressed out beyond words. I so badly wanted to melt into oblivion when I finally walked out the door, but I resisted. I WILL make this work.

You rock!

[guapo]

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Believe it or not lost in space, seeing the world through a alcohol free lens is pretty pleasant, I never would've believed it unless I actually did it. Six months ago I would've told you it was crazy to even imagine a life without alcohol, now I'm finding it's actually way better than I would've thought, and best of all, NO WORRIES (DUI, blackouts, stupidity, injuries).

I'm telling you this so let you know there's reason for optimism, because as I recall I thought about the future just about the same way you do now.

Keep at it !!

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Stuck and guapo. I’m trying real hard to believe that right now, guapo. I always appreciate hearing that from someone who has made it to the other side of this hell.

I once again managed to buy only the exact amount I need to continue with my taper today, but it’s getting harder and harder. The bac definitely seemed to be helping at the beginning of my taper, as well as during those several days when I got stuck and was simply maintaining at the same level of drinking. But ever since I started moving forward again with drinking less and less each day, my cravings have been escalating, and today they’re back with a vengeance. Honestly, I wish I could just wait until my doctor appointment to ask him if he’d be willing to try increasing my bac dosage until I hit my switch, or if not, to find another doctor who will. But at this point, in order to save my marriage, I feel I have no choice but to quit drinking right now. I hope that the increasing cravings are just a temporary consequence of my body adjusting to the drop in AL, and that once I’m adjusted, the bac will start to help with cravings once again. For now I’m just going to try to have faith that, one way or another, things will get easier.

[guapo]

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Urges and Cravings

Lost, the cravings are not going to go away, and will probably increase for a while as you cut back.

Urge surfing is a way to get through the cravings, and will at least help you deal with it short-term. You can look it up on the Internet, but here's the basic idea:

Imagine you're standing near the beach, and a large swell is coming in and about to break on the shore. The big swell is the urge.

Instead of standing up and trying to resist the wave, either duck under it, or ride it, it goes away either way.

You barely felt the wave by doing that, and now it's gone. If you view urges and cravings the same way, they always go away if you let them.

That's the simple explanation, but that's the idea. It's a good way to buy time until the urge is gone , then you can relax a bit, because the next urge or craving won't come for awhile, and you can deal with it the same way.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Lostinspace;1675791 wrote: I hope that the increasing cravings are just a temporary consequence of my body adjusting to the drop in AL,
It is.

Lostinspace;1675791 wrote: and that once I?m adjusted, the bac will start to help with cravings once again. For now I?m just going to try to have faith that, one way or another, things will get easier.

You can definitely count on both of those things to be absolutely true. Baclofen will help with cravings and you will be freed from wanting booze.

And, Lost, it will get better.

I know you have some urgency because things are so uncomfortable with your spouse and life right now. I was there. I get it. You can certainly white knuckle it now (and kudos to you for doing that!) but there are two factors to this baclofen thing: Time and milligrams.

I also hate that you beat yourself up so much. Just hang in there. It really, truly does get better. :l

[skullbabyland]

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LiS- just a note from someone who's about a year into taking bac- Ne is right. It does work and life will get better. It can be so hard, I know. It takes time. Be good to yourself and let yourself heal. Remember the quote from Voltaire- "I choose to be happy because it is better for my health."