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[kronkcarr]

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I forgot to mention that music played a role in my baclofen journey. That night when I wanted to drink I heard the song Drive by Incubus and that was my theme song for awhile. My drinking money went to iTunes for awhile.

[tee111]

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kronkcarr;1682394 wrote: I forgot to mention that music played a role in my baclofen journey. That night when I wanted to drink I heard the song Drive by Incubus and that was my theme song for awhile. My drinking money went to iTunes for awhile.

Funny you should mention music and drinking. Part of my routine was to get my beers in and listen to the same playlist of tunes on YouTube night after night. Mostly 80s music. Now I can't even listen to it. Same with movies. I just can't go back sober.

[StuckinLA]

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Oh music and movies. The same songs, the same 5 or 6 movies and a handful of tv episodes. Ugh, what a waste. Well, made it through another pretty light drinking day. Went out to watch the World Cup with the girl and we drank a few beers - I think I had 6 between watching the game and getting something to eat after. Then had only 1 24oz beer left at home. Drank that in the evening but at no point did I get drunk drunk. We watched a movie, and then she fell asleep. I took 1 hit of weed and that was enough to put me out for the night. Up early-ish now, and going to get some writing done. Have a good one everybody.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks so much for saying that, kronk. That was really sweet. :h And yes, drinking at home alone (or at least behind my husband's back) is a big problem for me as well. I also don't keep any alcohol in the house now, but it's just so darn easy to stop by the liquor store on my way home and pick up a small amount for the evening. I guess I could try journaling again. I've started journaling many times over the years for various reasons, but always make the mistake of reading back over the things I wrote - at which point I decide it's too stupid and/or embarrassing and tear the pages out. I guess I would have to make a no rereading rule.

And I know what you mean, tee, about listening to the same songs over and over. I used to listen to the same few albums that I actually bothered to download onto my iPhone pretty much every night. I overplayed that music so much that I finally reached a point where even my drunken brain was bored with those songs! I really need to find some new music to get into.

And god yes, Stuck! Watching the same tv episodes all the time. I can't tell you how many hundreds (or even thousands) of hours' worth of Law & Order re-runs I've seen (all three versions) in the past decade. It's a good series, but when you can practically recite the script of each episode, it's time to move on. It really is a waste. I hope you had a good day in writing-ville and are having a great night. :l :l

I drank a small amount again today even though I really wasn't having any cravings - sigh. Although I actually drank even less than yesterday. I think it was mostly due to the fact that I feel like utter crap today. I'm having a resurgence of my cold. Either that or a whole new cold is making an appearance. I miss having a functional immune system. I used to never get sick; now it seems to happen all the time. I blame my job and all the stress and grief it causes me. Ah well, I'll quit my bitching for sure because I got good news today . . .

I finally, finally, FINALLY got a letter back from my sentencing judge that I'm being given permission to reapply for my drivers license! Of course, I've been told that it takes the DMV anywhere from two to three months to approve it. And, my license was set to expire anyway so long ago that I have to take the road test all over again. Ugh! I suck at parallel parking. I think the last time I successfully pulled that off was on my first road test - 20 years ago! This will certainly be interesting.

[tee111]

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I honestly don't think I'd bother with my test again if I lost my licence. The thought of going through it gives me nightmares. Its easier to Get around here in the UK without a car though. I suppose its more of a neccesity in the states.

God the things I've gotten away with when it comes to driving drunk and under the influence of drugs. Scary times I try not to think about. I'm not religious but I really do think someone was looking down on me. I don't have enough fingers to count the people I know who aren't here today because of stupid shit in cars.

[Eber]

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Hey LIS, I'm doing well, thanks for asking.. I've not been here as much lately, after so many threads seemed to be turning into petty ideological squabbles. But there's definitely good stuff from people who are at various stages of getting better, and I'm glad to see that it's been working for you. My journey so far hasn't been perfect, I titrated up rapidly and experienced some nasty side effects, particularly when experimenting with drinking. But I'm realizing that it's making a huge difference for me, as I haven't really slipped up and have realized at various points, including tonight that the desire to drink is basically gone. Just had a couple beers at a Thai place with dinner, and really only finished the second because I don't like to waste! But I have more alcohol here at home, and I don't feel any need to have another. That never would've happened before! Kind of an amazing feeling.

[Lostinspace]

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I know, tee. The thought of my road test already has me $h!tting bricks. But it's my ticket to freedom. Spending three and a half hours a day commuting to and from a job I hate is miserable. And public transportation in my area is so bad that I'm pretty much limited to finding jobs only within the small town that I live in. So scary as it is, it must be done. Being able to drive again will open a lot of doors for me.

And I know what you mean about feeling like someone was looking down on you. I, too, was very lucky for years - until I wasn't.

That's awesome, Eber, that your cravings are pretty much gone. It sounds like you may have already reached that magical switch. And don't worry about the other threads. Just ignore them. I made the mistake of responding to one last night and generously said that I understood where the other person was coming from, but (in so many words), these kinds of posts are hurtful for those looking to change their lives. I then had only part of my post quoted and the message was (I feel) greatly twisted. I regret saying anything. From now on, I will only respond to people's personal threads.

Anyway, I'm almost at work. Hope you all have a great day!

[StuckinLA]

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I only didn't drive for about 2 years - but even so the road test was a little nerve-wracking, especially since I had to borrow a friend's car for it. My car obviously wasn't registered, because I didn't have a license... What a pain in the *ss that all was.

Good luck! It'll go just fine and deep down I bet you know that it will, so don't psych yourself out over it. It is a stupid process, the written test and the driving test and taking the bus and sitting around the godawful DMV however many mornings it takes. Out here it took me like 3 days of standing in line at 7:30 in the morning to get through all of it (I was teaching an afternoon summer class, so really had to fit around that). And then getting emissions tested on the car and taking it back to the DMV for an inspection and SO MUCH BULLSH*T.

But you know what? That was a year ago now, and I don't ever think about it and barely even remember it. I just drive wherever I want to go unless I'm planning on drinking, and by now I'm always thinking 'man, I should really take the bus because it's cheaper and better for the environment!' You'll be back to driving before you know it.

[tee111]

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Be lucky your not in the UK. It costs ?25 for a 1 hour lesson. After a few years off the road even if you can drive it takes a few lessons to learn the "proper" way to learn the old tricks just to pass your test.

I think it was ?8 a lesson when I learnt back in 94.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Stuck. I'll try not to psych myself out, but I really do need practice. Sadly, I wasn't exaggerating when I said I haven't successfully parallel parked since my first road test. I've always lived in smallish towns, so it's really easy to avoid having to do so if you're willing to park a few extra streets outside of the center of town. I used to do this after my first few unsuccessful attempts to parallel park, but eventually I just gave up on even trying and would automatically look for spots where I didn't have to.

I still have a couple of months to hear back from the DMV as to whether my request has been approved, though, so I have some time. I also need to buy a car by then. I can't drive without an ignition interlock on my car, even for the road test. The laws are pretty strict where I live if you were arrested with a BAC above 0.18 (and mine was quite a bit higher than that). But god I can't wait for my life to go back to normal!

Well, it was another evening of a little drinking. And, I had very little craving before heading into the liquor store. I'm starting to wonder if being a liquor drinker is working against me. When I hear people say they could hardly finish their second beer, or something along those lines, I'm reminded of how much different it is to drink something that takes longer to consume (and takes up a lot of space in the stomach, so there's a limit to how fast you can consume), as opposed to something that can be chugged down within seconds.

My recent alcohol consumption averages 6 and half to 9 shots a day. That can be guzzled down in no time. If I bought the equivalent amount of alcohol in beer or, to a lesser extent, wine, there's no way on earth I could drink as fast as I do now. I'm not giving myself the time and space to realize that maybe, just maybe, I don't want that next shot.

This is all a moot point anyway. It's not like I can switch to beer or wine. That would require drinking in the open. My husband can't see me drink. Taking a few shots from my secret stash, behind his back, is easy. But what does one do when liquor is the only choice? Will I still reach indifference this way? I'm getting frustrated. My cravings are very low. I still buy some because I'm an idiot.

[StuckinLA]

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Lostinspace;1682863 wrote: I'm starting to wonder if being a liquor drinker is working against me. When I hear people say they could hardly finish their second beer, or something along those lines, I'm reminded of how much different it is to drink something that takes longer to consume (and takes up a lot of space in the stomach, so there's a limit to how fast you can consume), as opposed to something that can be chugged down within seconds.

I sometimes wondered that, too. I tend to avoid liquor these days because I just get too, too f**ked up. I know the next day will be shite, I'll probably be in withdrawal, and there's still the concern of my B/P hanging over everything. Not to say I don't *love* a bottle of bourbon in the evening, but been sticking pretty much to beer and the occasional tequila shot or 5 at the bar (god, I hate tequila and it's not good tequila there either).

Last night the girl and I were sitting around in bed, planning to watch some TV. While she watched her show I said "hey, I'm running out for beer, I'll be right back." I had a major craving for about a 6 pack's worth to kind of keep everything even. On the way down I thought that won't be enough, so maybe 6 and then a 4 pack of something good, and when I got down there I just grabbed the first decent 12 pack I saw. Got back home, the 1st was gone in seconds. Drank the 2nd while outside having a smoke, and was I think on the 3rd by the time I went back into the bedroom. She drank 2 or 3, and I didn't touch the last one I opened and set on the nightstand. So I drank about 8 or 9, in less than 4 hours, so it's definitely possible to get yourself good and drunk without the aid of liquor. Anyway, gotta run for now.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks for that, Stuck! And sorry to all for that temporary weirdness of double-posting. I've now corrected it. I was about to respond when my husband called my attention; I put down my iPhone (which I thought I now mastered how to post from), and somehow reposted what I already did. Anyway, yeah, Stuck, I sometimes feel like such a degenerate for being the way I am. But really, I'm not a baby killer, rapist, murderer, or anything else horrible. I just need to move to Vegas or New Orleans. So maybe you got a little off with the help of beer, but that's awesome that you've stayed away from liquor for the time being.

I wish I could do that. I've been told it's "classic alcoholic thinking" to blame others for the way you drink. But, the truth of the matter is, before my husband had a problem with my drinking (after about a year of drinking heavily TOGETHER), I used to have mixed drinks. I NEVER drank liquor straight up until I had to hide it from the man I spent all of my free time with. Now, here I am.

EDIT: Just now realizing it may not have been a double post. I deleted my original response. Dammit! I'll get a handle of this iPhone posting sooner or later.

DOUBLE EDIT: This post probably makes less sense with the original one gone.

[StuckinLA]

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Hey, you're fine little lady. I believe we've most of us been there, drinking from the bottle as soon as you walk outside, or hitting the flask in our briefcase in the bathroom down the hall from class. Whatever. Just means we should move to Vegas or New Orleans where public drinking is encouraged.

I'm debating picking up beer today. I'm feeling not great, and back to the point where 4 or 5 beers willake me feel good again. Not sure what to do - I don't for some reason want to just pop 1/2 an Ativan tonight and lay off the booze. The girl went for a movie to get out of the apartment for a while, she hadn't been out really in a couple days. I went out to the west side to have coffee with an exGF, and going to stop at the grocery store for a few things on the way home. Maybe pick up a six pack or something, we'll see.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Lostinspace;1682863 wrote: Will I still reach indifference this way? I'm getting frustrated. My cravings are very low. I still buy some because I'm an idiot.

Yes, you will.

And no, you're not an idiot or a bad person. I thought we'd established that? Let me remind you...You're not an idiot or a bad person.

It takes what it takes. Hang in there. :l

[Lostinspace]

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Oh my Stuck! I just made an ass of myself, responding to this post, while deleting my old post because I thought I was double posting. I must have hit the back button when my husband interrupted me and got REALLY confused. Anyway, I responded to both this, and your last post, in one, because of my confusion. Please forgive me. But thank you so much for your understanding. It's good to know I'm not the only one who has sunk to drinking in public bathrooms on the regular! Whatever you do tonight, I hope you have a great night. :l

EDIT: Go back a page to see my response. This is what happens when you're a perfectionist, you hit the back button by accident, see something you already posted and think "my god I somehow posted that twice. Everyone must now think I'm a complete moron." When in reality, you only posted it once, deleted it, replaced it with a new response, and now look like an even bigger moron. Ugh.