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[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Ne. I appreciate the ongoing encouragement. We did establish that, but I easily forget. I will hang on. :l

[StuckinLA]

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Lostinspace;1682896 wrote: I just need to move to Vegas or New Orleans. So maybe you got a little off with the help of beer, but that's awesome that you've stayed away from liquor for the time being.

I wish I could do that. I've been told it's "classic alcoholic thinking" to blame others for the way you drink. But, the truth of the matter is, before my husband had a problem with my drinking (after about a year of drinking heavily TOGETHER), I used to have mixed drinks. I NEVER drank liquor straight up until I had to hide it from the man I spent all of my free time with. Now, here I am.
I was sitting with a counselor - who was amazing in a very difficult period for me, very much about her on my thread - anyway was sitting with her one time, getting ready to head home for the holidays. She asked, very matter-of-factly, how I handle my alcohol needs while staying at my parents' house. I answered her honestly without even thinking about it: I stash a bottle of bourbon in the dresser in the guest bedroom. I stay sober until before bedtime, then hit that bottle pretty hard before getting into bed. And if it runs out, I walk the couple blocks to the liquor store and replace it, and then have one of my friends with a car take the empties for me.

Talking with that counselor, I said that makes me look like a terribly desperate alcoholic - hiding bottles and drinking in secret. But if my parents wouldn't worry or criticize my drinking, I'd happily drink the couple of drinks I needed at night right down in the living room with them. But they'd never be OK with that, so there I was hiding my drinking. It's a completely circular f**king situation.

Ne/Neva Eva;1682916 wrote: Yes, you will.

And no, you're not an idiot or a bad person. I thought we'd established that? Let me remind you...You're not an idiot or a bad person.

It takes what it takes. Hang in there.
I second this, Ne. The motion passes. You are not an idiot or bad person, Lis. Enough baclofen + enough TIME = indifference.

Lostinspace;1682917 wrote: Oh my Stuck! I just made an ass of myself, responding to this post, while deleting my old post because I thought I was double posting.

No you didn't.

Lostinspace;1682917 wrote: It's good to know I'm not the only one who has sunk to drinking in public bathrooms on the regular! Whatever you do tonight, I hope you have a great night. :l

Easy there - I *like* drinking in bathrooms. I wish they'd put a bar or at least a little mini-bottle vending machine in there to make it more convenient.

I did end up buying a 6 pack. Got home, the girl's still out. Chugged the beer that I'd left open on the nightstand that I didn't drink last night. Then still had 1 left from last night in the fridge. So that'll take me up to 8 tonight. Should be OK.

Also, I guess I ought to mention since I'm keeping track of the booze in the house like a f**king hawk here, that there's a bottle of wine that I paid 50 Euros for in the Rome airport in 2009 sitting on a bookshelf. That's been here this whole time - through AA, through baclofen, through 'relapse' or whatever the sh*t you want to call it. There's also a bottle of clear moonshine-ish whiskey here, that a friend gave to the girl as a housewarming present. I've so far not stolen shots out of that.

Big hugs to you, Lis. And to you, Ne - it's lovely to see you around. :l:l

[tee111]

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Mums just back from Italy stuck. Goes every year. Expensive as fukkkk. 2 coffees and a pizza something like 50 euro.

Fuck that all day long.

[charlie3659]

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I can really relate to you

I don't think I know how to post right on here...
I am a chick too who my husband says drinks more than a lot of guys he knows.....I think some think I do this for fun, but what they don't realize is I do this because I can't feel normal or even function if I don't . I am sad and act like everything is fine... that is as long as I have had several to get me going.....

:new:

Lostinspace;1672662 wrote: Yeah, I'm a chick! I know, I hit the bottle WAY harder than most women do. Makes me feel even more like a freak - and like my husband is right for hating me. But, all I I can do is try. I will continue on my current path for a few more days. If I'm successful in cutting back, as I was once before, then I'm home-free. Otherwise, I'll need to go back to that (albeit very nice) doctor who told me he doesn't want to prescribe me Librium anymore. (I've gone to him to detox twice already over the past couple years, only to end up drinking again). He's my psychiatrist, so I get another pill from him for people who are, shall we say, completely neurotic and can't sleep AT ALL, despite the fact that they drink constantly? Plus, he prescribes my baclofen. I don't want to hurt that relationship. I have to make it work on my own.

And thank you. I know we all make mistakes, but I've made way too many. I hope I can make this up to him once and for all. It's killing me.

[Lostinspace]

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Yeah Stuck, it is a circular situation, indeed. Although it kind of makes me laugh to think back on the even more ineffective way that I tried to get away with drinking during the day before I made the switch to drinking straight liquor. I would "hide" my drinking right out in the open. Each morning, I would prepare a few bottles of soda and juice. I would dump a bunch out of each and replace it with vodka, then drink right in front of my coworkers, and my boss, all day long. Pretty ballsy. I thought I was oh so sneaky - until the first time I got fired, that is.

And you're right, a mini-bar in the bathroom would be pretty nice. Especially with the small amount I'm drinking these days. I could save a trip and not even go to the liquor store!

Thanks for being understanding about my oopsie. I tend to be overly critical of myself and find it hard to believe that other people don't see me the same way. :l

charlie - Welcome to the forum. :welcome: I'm sorry you're still having such a tough time. Needing to drink to function is a rough place to be. Are you planning on starting baclofen, or one of the other medications discussed on this forum? You certainly don't have to. I'm just curious since you're posting in the meds forum. In any case, welcome, and feel free to start your own thread and introduce yourself.

EDIT: I just saw your post on the other thread. Yes, definitely check out the thread Stuck mentioned. Lots of good info there.

[Lostinspace]

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Nothing great to report. Had 8 shots of a combo of vodka and bourbon - my new same old, same old, ever since bumping up to 120 mg of bac.

But I had some time to think (as always), while on the bus. I will probably reach both indifference and getting my license back within the next few months. My possibilities will be opening up.

I did a bunch of mountain backpacking in New York, Vermont, and New Hampshire during my early 20s, and I absolutely loved it. But, I was also drinking heavily and smoking a lot of weed in those days. I would frequently stop for "backpack cocktails" - basically a bunch of vodka, with some powdered Gatorade, and some water that I collected and filtered from a nearby stream. Then I would smoke a bowl.

The experience of backpacking back then was magical. Sleeping out in the middle of nowhere, in my little tent. Before I went to sleep, I would spend hours after setting up my campsite, just watching all the grand sights (the other mountains in the background), and all the minutiae that nature brings. I would watch hawks flying overhead, small animals running around, plants growing in hard conditions, insect larvae making their growing spurts within leaves, the occasional black bear encounter (absolutely terrifying, but awesome nonetheless).

I wonder if I'll still feel that same awe without alcohol and weed.

[Samstone]

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LIS
I've done plenty of backpack without, even when I was still drinking/smoking and I can tell you the awe is still there. Do a hike around Mt Rainier sometime, you'll think you've died and gone to heaven, absolutely beautiful. It was a truly natural high. I did not do any summit or stuff like that, but it is a wonderful hike.
Sam

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks so much Sam. I don't think Rainier's in my immediate future (I'm on the east coast), but I can't imagine NOT trying it again. It was so magical. I can't wait to be on the slopes again.

[Lostinspace]

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What the hell? This is why I never trust what I've just posted. I went to send a message to Sam, once again, because my first message didn't show up, then as soon as I posted another message - there it was - my first message. Aargh!

Is there a way to completely delete a message, so that I can save myself from further jackassery?

[tee111]

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Lostinspace;1683244 wrote:

Is there a way to completely delete a message, so that I can save myself from further jackassery?

Click on edit and then delete message Lost.

[Lostinspace]

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Thank you, tee. I can't believe I didn't see that before now!

[StuckinLA]

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You gotta click "edit" then "delete" and then there's another little bit on the bottom where you gotta click the circle next to "delete" again before it goes through.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Stuck. I got it a few minutes before, from tee. Embarrassing post now deleted

[Lostinspace]

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Ahhhh. Breath of fresh air. Work has been slowing down the last few days after a few months of agonizing hell. I work in a job where we have busy seasons that last for months on end, when I want to rip my hair out, followed by slower periods, when I'm not always sure what to do with myself.

Luckily, my boss is lazy and spends much of his day online, even when we're busy (Helloooooo! We could use a little help here!), so he doesn't mind if we spend the day on our phones, looking things up online. He understands that when there's nothing more to do, there's nothing more to do. I got to leave early today - yay!

Anyway, not much to report. I'm on the bus. Already made it to my second bus, so it's safe to say that the small amount of booze I bought (and already consumed half of), will be it for the day. Same amount as yesterday. Still can't wait to not even care about this drinking bs, but I'm already so much better that I can't really complain.

[StuckinLA]

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I gotta give it to you, Lis. I hadn't put 2 and 2 together to equal 200ml until last night. Went down to grab two 24oz beers, and last minute decided on a small bottle of Jamison. I always hated buying smaller bottles because it's so much more expensive, but lately I'm willing to pay more to limit my intake. Well, I looked at the label and what'd'ya know but it was 200ml. Damn that thing was tiny. I thought I'd be able to sneak sips during cigarette breaks and maybe have some extra left over for when the beers were gone, but no, it didn't last.

Anyway I said all that to say, again, that you're doing great. If you're having 2 or those bottles a day, that's practically nothing. Good on you, really. As for me? The girl and I have been watching The Wire at night. I've seen it already; she has not. We watch 2 or 3 episodes in bed while I drink, then maybe watch a short comedy show, and most of the time I spend a little time playing Xbox. I'm surprised she hasn't played at all yet since she's been here - she's a more hardcore gamer than I am. Guess I've been passing out on her lately. She mentioned last night that a couple times this week I have completely passed out while we were... being intimate. I don't believe that was the case last night.

Today we went for brunch with some close friends of mine here. I drove, so didn't drink - though they each had only 1 drink. We got home around 1, and she's been napping since. That makes it about a 4 hour nap so far. I played some Xbox, and just came down to the bar. I figure I'll have a few here, grab 2 beers for home. Just another day, but I had to get out of the house and think about my dissertation for a bit. Trying to plan this chapter, and how I'm going to go about writing it this month. I'm a little behind the 8 ball, not going to lie. I haven't done any reading for this section yet and have almost no clue what I'm doing. Wish I didn't have to write this sh*t and could go back to working on my novel. Oh well, c'est la vie.

Glad to hear work is slowing down for you. Keep on keepin' on. :l:l