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[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Yeah, Stuck, it's amazing how fast those tiny little bottles go away. But, what's also amazing, which I think I said in a completely different thread, is that I now don't need more!

In the past, if I had bought this little, I would've been going apeshit trying to figure out how to get more. I would've called a cab, making up some bs excuse to my husband about something I forgot to pick up while in town, and no hon, I don't want to bother you to give me a ride (because I know you won't drive me to a liquor store!).

The obsession is starting to lift. It's obviously not all gone, but it's lifting. I feel good about that. And thank you so much for the encouragement!

As for the intimacy thing - well, I've been there. :blush: Passing out in the middle of the act does not make for good times. I'm sorry you're going through this right now. There's nothing worse than being in the throes of passion, then suddenly remembering nothing. Then the next morning - no talking, no even looking at me. Just shame all around. I don't know how she treats you after these events, but I know it sucks.

And you might be behind on your work, but I give you big kudos for forging forward. Seriously. When I was attempting a grad program and started falling behind, I started drinking more than ever. I was forced to take medical leave because, pretty soon, everyone I came in contact with knew immediately that I was drunk. (I was also a toxicology major and doing research with dangerous chemicals while having to shut one eye to close out the double image - whoops!).

Anyway, I hope you have a great night. Catch up on your work and keep being the awesome person that you are! :l

[tee111]

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StuckinLA;1683497 wrote: .

The girl and I have been watching The Wire at night. I've seen it already; she has not.

Every time I speak to someone who hasn't seem the wire I"m like " WTF!?!? You haven't seem the wire!?? It usually freaks them out lol. Still not as good as the Sopranos but I'll note Get into that.

Also I can't believe you guys get 24 fucking oz beers!?! I had to do a conversion but that's like 680ml?! I always thought you guys got those little cans you usually see like coke cans. Shit I'd have lapped those up in my prime

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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I just remembered that when I first started posting regularly here I deleted all the time. And then something magical happened that made me stop deleting and editing...

I can't remember the post, but I remember the fact that I worried about what I'd written all day long. (I generally post first thing in the morning ~5am.) I had a really busy day at work, and couldn't take the time to find a quiet place to log on. By the time I'd gotten home, gotten the glass (and the bottle to go with it), took off my bra and settled on the couch (all in that order) I had several responses from new people that were Just. Like. Me. wow.

It was vindication that I wrote something other people liked, but even more than that I realized that there were all these chicks out there who drink just like I did and had the same hopes and fears and habits and stuff that I did.

And guess what? I know you think you are alone, that other chicks don't drink like you, that your relationship and your hiding are different. Nope. I'm here to tell you, there are people reading your stuff and thinking, "Woah! She's just like me! :l and thank all good things!"

just sayin

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Right, Stuck?

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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:H

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Ne. I really appreciate that. I have been pretty good, though, about not deleting posts since I learned how to do it. I've only deleted that initial post where I asked for help in how to delete. Then, I deleted a post from zampa's thread, which I subsequently responded to once again (and now regret - god, she said she wanted the advice of long-timers, not people like me!).

Anyway, I do try to keep in mind that there may be someone, somewhere who can relate. I lurked this site for a long time, and related to so much of what I read, but didn't yet have the stones to become a member and respond. I'll keep putting it out there for that reason alone.

Hope you're having a great day :l

[StuckinLA]

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Ne/Neva Eva;1683687 wrote: Right, Stuck?

I don't have any idea what you're talking about, Ne. :blush:

I have always left every one of my posts exactly as they are.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Stuck, I was actually referring to the validation comes when we realize that someone else finds what we (as a group) write here to be helpful or thought provoking or just resonates in some way.

I think, too, that there is a balance to be sought about the different stages we're all in. I can't relate to a lot of what people write here anymore. Memory isn't the same thing as current experience. And I guarantee that they can't relate to a lot of what I experience! That isn't a bad thing, it just is. Any of you ever been in a well established AA meeting where the old-timers are just sort of shaking their heads? Or worse, in a young group where everyone is still trying to figure out if they really want to do the sobriety thing with no real hope that it will work? (13th-step-central, in my experience. ha!) I have.

I really don't want to be a part of any group that insists that abstinence is the only measure of success (when by definition, relapse is the rule) or in a group that encourages drinking as any sort of a solution for anything...'Cause knows it isn't.

Basically, I'm just glad we're all here or this thing wouldn't work for any of us.

[Lostinspace]

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Hello everyone. Hope everyone's having a good day or night, depending on where in the world you are.

I've been thinking a lot about the recent discussions of changing habits. I think I need to try a lot harder in this arena, beginning immediately.

I walked around town this afternoon, after my husband and I had finished our grocery shopping. I was already downtown for this, and we didn't need to buy much this week, so I asked if he would unpack the few groceries we had, while I take a nice, long walk around town, then take the bus home.

Throughout the whole morning and most of the afternoon, up until that point, I had no desire to drink. And I'm not talking about the lower-level cravings I've had ever since getting up to 120 mg. I actually had ZERO desire to drink.

But of course, after walking around town a very short time, I stopped in to a liquor store, only to buy a small amount as a security blanket, so to speak. I wanted to have a little on hand, just in case those nagging cravings did make an appearance.

Once I already had that booze in my bag (even though I previously wanted none), I lasted about 15 minutes until I drank some. And then, because of the fact that I still had some time to wait for my bus, I ran back to the liquor store, and bought another few shot bottles to go with what I already bought. I bought more today than at any other time since finishing my taper down on drinking to nothing (followed by 5 whole days AF before starting to drink small amounts once again), and I didn't even want it in the first place!

It's only about 5:00 PM in my neck of the woods and I already finished everything I bought. I'm not scared of cravings to have even more because my recent experience has shown me that this simply doesn't happen anymore. Once I run out, I simply move on - amazing!

I am, however, disappointed in myself for buying when I really didn't even want any to begin with. This habit $h!t is hard to break. I need to start actually applying the advice for developing new habits that all you wonderful people have given.

I know that I haven't reached indifference yet, but I feel that I've made it far enough that I should know better. If I didn't want anything, then why buy it? Having it on hand only made me feel the need to consume something that I might not have even missed today, had I only listened to my state of mind at the time, and not the part of me that thought "oh god. What if I get home and I start craving, then I have nothing on me?" It's dumb.

[Xadrian]

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It just happens, Lost.

Before bac, if I had beer in the fridge, I had to drink it all.
If there were any survivors, I drank them the next day.

When I reach the "switch", I didn't buy beer anymore. I was able to resist buying it and skipped the beer aisle. I didn't take the risk of buying beer, afraid I would drink it.

After that, every time I thought of buying beer, I was able to delay it a day. The next day, I delayed it again. Before I knew it, I didn't have a drink in 50 days in a row.

At a certain point, I kept one in the fridge and gave it the finger every time I opened the fridge. Just like you see in my avatar. I called it therapy.

Is there any non-alcohol drink you really like? Buy some of that instead of alcohol. If you really get cravings, you can buy alcohol the other day.

Take care.

[StuckinLA]

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Nope. Mild daytime maintenance drinking isn't working for me. Went out last night, got drunk. Woke up feeling pretty awful and had maybe about a shot's worth of rum in a glass of pineapple juice. Had my morning coffee, still feeling bad and jittery. Poured about a shot's worth of whiskey in the last cup of coffee. Didn't help - if anything, maybe made things a little worse. Went for a walk. That helped. Stopped at the bar to do some reading. Had a beer, slowly. Suddenly just got this fear, this feeling that hit me right over the head, and had to bolt out of there and come home.

Now feeling weak all over and scared of death. Took 1/2 an ativan and realizing it's time to benzo it up for the next couple of days and get back on the abstinence wagon for a while. Hopefully a good long while. I know I'll start feeling better in a couple days or a week at the longest - I can manage and hang in until things improve. Hope everyone's having a good one out there. Don't beat yourself up, Lis, these things happen.

Edit to add: I just hate having to admit it, ya' know? That I can't handle my booze and that anytime I do drink I end up in this mess of my own doing. Like, I've been probably annoying the hell out of the girl, being drunk every night or leaving her for a couple hours at a time to go to the bar, passing out on her in bed and being sloppy or emotional. And as if that isn't bad enough, this thing I've been selfishly doing then turns around and turns me into a total basketcase. It just sucks.

[tee111]

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I get very emotional when drinking. I've never really had anyone to annoy with it but it would get bad a few days into a bender when my body started to get soaked in the booze. I'd be siting crying for no reason and getting emotional about all sorts of weird shit.

After about 3 days on it lately my body and mind get all messed up. My emotions go and I turn into a nervous wreck. I couldn't go into a bar.. No fucking way. I'd have to grab a 4 pack.. Go sit in the park and sort my shit out before even contemplating getting social. I've only started to realize how bad it was getting now that I'm more or less sober the last 2-3 weeks.

My body can't handle 24/7 drinking for more than a week TOPS. After that its time to hunker down.. get loaded on benzos and sweat it out.

I love my drinking in the morning though. Always did. Monday morning was my favorite. The Monday club you cal it over here. Its a slippery slope though.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks for that idea, Xadrian. I like the thought of delaying it for just a day. I can’t say I’ve really reached my switch, but if I’m honest with myself, the cravings are low enough most days that I could pretty easily decide just to put it off for a day. I’ll have to try that.

I love your brand of therapy, by the way :H I always wondered where that picture came from. I’ll have to explore some non-alcoholic drink options. At the moment, the only ones I drink are water and a single cup of coffee each morning. Pretty boring.

Stuck, I’m sorry to hear you’ve gotten back to that place of drinking where you’re feeling both jittery and weak. There’s no shame in admitting it, though. We've all experienced that - that's the reason I decided to start on bac, to try to finally end the madness of the obsession. I can hardly count the number of times I’ve gone through detox, had a very brief phase of abstinence, then decided that I could start drinking again - that this time will be different because . . . (fill in the blank - I always had some grand new plan of how I would keep things under control).

The good thing is that you’re realizing this before things get too hairy with the GF. She may be a little annoyed right now, but if you stop drinking, it’ll just be a little blip in your relationship that doesn’t begin to compare to the all-around wonderful person that you are.

And don’t beat yourself up about any of this. That’s just what excessive drinking does - it makes us an emotional, nervous wreck, while being absent to those around us. But again, this has only been happening for a pretty short time since she moved in. We all have the right to be less than perfect. The fact that you recognize it and are working on improving is awesome.

Good luck with the benzo detox. You will definitely be feeling better before you know it. Hang in there :l :l

[StuckinLA]

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Thanks, tee and Lis. I am already feeling much better. Aside from waking up once or twice last night, and once to have a smoke at 4 am and scare the piss out of the family of raccoons near my front porch, I'm fine actually. That is one of the troubles I've found with benzos - they work *so* well that a couple hours after taking a 1/2 pill I feel so good that I'm ready to start drinking again. Like last night. Played some cob then we turned on The Wire and watched a few episodes. I was ready to head for the cabinet to grab that 200ml bottle of Jamison. And then on the show that's exactly what one of the main characters is drinking from and I'm like 'Jesus Christ that looks delicious.' But I didn't and actually fell pretty quickly to sleep. Guess I was just worn out.

Today, as they say, is another day. And I'm not trying to beat myself up - but you know for the last month since I started drinking again after 3 months AF, I haven't had any multi-day benders. No getting drunk in the morning after a rough night. No drinking before a beer or 2 at maybe 3 or 4 in the afternoon. That was my sweet spot, and I was kind of starting to think the good times could last for a while again. Though of course these weren't truly 'good' times. I haven't been getting much writing done.
And the worries about the girl, mostly seeing myself through how I *assume* she's seeing me, and that wasn't good but certainly much worse than she's actually seeing me. So it's probably for the best. Back to some soberishness, and back to work.

Hugs all around :l:l

[Lostinspace]

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Hey Stuck. I'm glad to hear you're already feeling better. It sounds like you're in a pretty good frame of mind. I hope you're having a great night. :l

Sorry. I'll be back to update and comment more, here and on the other threads, tomorrow. I smoked a bowl with my husband a couple hours ago. And unlike in my stoner days, I now only smoke about once every few weeks to few months, so I now get quite stoned. Hope everyone's having a good day or night.