Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Well, today started off being extremely disappointing. I went online to check the status of my request to reapply for my drivers license and found out that I had been rejected because of a medical condition I've developed over the past couple years since my license was revoked.

I'm now medically stabilized, but I have to have my neurologist fill out and sign a form (next appointment is not until August 26th), then mail that, with a mountain of other paperwork, to the central DMV office in my state. It says online that it takes about 12 weeks to hear back from them at this point. After I finally get approval from them, I can go to my local DMV to sign up for times to take the written test, then the required 5-hour course, then finally the road test. All in all, this whole process will take around five to six months. :upset:

Sorry to rant so much. Finding this out just really broke my spirit today. I tried, as much as possible, to enjoy the rest of my day off (I found out about the DMV thing within an hour of waking up), and I think I somewhat succeeded. Didn't do anything fun or exciting by any stretch - just went grocery shopping, did some laundry, vacuumed, and watched a bunch of tv like the couch potato that I am. I wanted to go for a walk, but the weather had other plans.

The good news, though, is that I didn't drink, and really didn't want to, either. I took an extra 20mg of bac after getting the bad news - I don't know if that's what helped, if it was simply having a quieter day after a hectic weekend, or if it's because I'm now on my 4th day AF and am starting to build momentum. It's probably a combination of all three.

Anyway, that's more than enough out of me. I hope you're all having a great night!

[kronkcarr]

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Lis I find that taking an extra dose of bac helps me when I'm stressed. I'm sorry this happened to you. It stinks but you'll get through it. Keep on.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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OH MY GOD! THAT IS AWESOME! Wait, let me take it down a notch so you don't freak out.

I hope you're feeling really good about not drinking. Ultimately, it's a decision, even (or especially) when you don't have to do it. Sounds to me like you did all this stuff that would normally have been a trigger to drink and you didn't. So there's that.

Hell, if I got that kind of notice I might wish for a way to opt out of dealing with it. Which brings to mind a story. (I guess I lied about not telling stories. Sorry, again. I'll give the short version.)

About a month ago I got a call from our insurance company that Ed's license had an issue and our insurance company was going to drop him in October if we didn't take care of it. Turns out it's from a DUI about 20 years ago. (He was 19.) Mind you, he's had a DUI since then, and jumped through all the hoops, including jail time, to get that straightened out. (This may, in fact, work against him!) (And let's not be tempted to think that straightening it out way back then would have changed anything. It wouldn't have.) It looks as though he's going to have to do 6 months of counseling or something in order to have his license fully reinstated. In the meantime, he will be dropped from our insurance, and he's officially driving illegally. I'm going to guess that this is going to cost several thousand in legal fees and insurance premiums in order to straighten it out. From 1989.

I hate our drug policies and the DMV is especially guilty of punitive rather than positive policies. If there was any proof, any indication at all, that these things actually worked, I would be absolutely in favor of them. But they don't.

The TL, DR: I feel your pain, sister. I'm sorry you have to go through it. It will eventually be done, though, and you'll be able to move on.

[StuckinLA]

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Yeah, similar thing happened to a good friend of mine - he was much older than me (has since passed, unrelated to drinking). He'd had 4 or 5 DUIs in the past and assumed he simply couldn't ever have a license again. He was sober 19 years and just didn't drive, until finding out that he actually could get his license back. What did it take? Proof of counseling and a YEAR of AA attendance. Sober 19 years without AA, and he had to start going to meetings every week or twice a week or whatever it was, and collect character reference letters. Sheesh. I wrote one of those for him, probably drunk off my ass. He was the sober guy I wanted to be if I had to be sober - would come hang out at the bars with us and his wife all the time, and would sit and drink Diet Cokes all night and never have a problem.

Moral of story: DUI laws and drivers' license regulations are a f**king joke. But not a funny joke.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks kronk. Yeah, it sucks, but yes, I will get through it. And I do have a good extra stockpile left of bac for such stressful occasions, so it's good to know that it can help.

Ne - I'm so sorry Ed (and you, by extension) is going through that right now. It's so ridiculous that they would dredge up something from that long ago. I feel his pain (somewhat). I was court-ordered to go through a year of outpatient substance abuse counseling myself - at my OWN expense - at $110 per weekly, then eventually bi-weekly, session! It's painful how much these things cost. Of course, in my case, it was for a recent offense at the time. I can't imagine how much worse it would be for someone who thought they had gotten past the whole ordeal half a lifetime ago!

And to answer your question, yes! It felt really good not to drink, especially because I didn't have to. But that just makes it all the more painful to admit that I didn't do as well today. I did drink a small amount after work (got a couple 200 ml bottles of vodka and bourbon).

I battled the intense desire to drink ALL day today at work. My first day back was quite stressful, as I expected it to be, but couldn't quite find the ability to calm myself down and just take all that built-up-workpile one thing at a time.

I'm not sure what to think at this point. Many days the cravings are greatly reduced, or even absent, but then there are others when I want to drink so badly that you better get out of my way if you're walking too slowly and blocking my ability to get to the liquor store - NOW! I'm really disappointed in myself. If I had waited it out, and given myself a real chance to relax after work, I might have felt very differently.

Stuck - yeah those laws are a joke, in SO many ways. But thankfully (at least in my mind), many states are starting to challenge mandatory AA attendance, on the grounds that it denies people their religious freedom. Where I live, mandatory AA attendance is out of the question (not sure if that's just my county or a state-wide thing). But overall, the system is still very screwy, that's for sure!

Anyway, I hope you all have a great night! :l :l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Well, after yesterday's setback, I'm sorry to say that I stopped by the liquor store after work once again. I really wasn't craving all that much, either. This habit s#*t is not easy to break.

I really need to get my butt in gear. I've been reading back through a lot of the old threads when more people were posting, as it's been a while since I've done that. It seems that people experience the switch in two very different ways.

Some people have a dramatic turnaround, where they just no longer want to drink at all, and their favorite alcoholic drinks suddenly taste disgusting to them. Others simply have low enough cravings that it allows them to choose whether or not to drink.

There's no doubt that bac is already working for me. The days when I feel an intense compulsion to drink (like yesterday) are now the exception and not the rule. I'm drinking a small fraction of what I used to and no longer miss it during the day, for the most part. I drink only at night.

I'm starting to wonder if this is what my switch looks like - if this is the best it will ever be. Of course, I'll be asking my doctor if he would be willing to increase my dose the next time I see him. But regardless of whether he says yes or no, I need to put in more of an effort.

I think I might just be a wee bit terrified of the thought of never drinking again - even if I get to a point where I don't want to. I'm scared of that emptiness. I've had several (albeit very short) periods of abstinence over the past 11 or 12 years. Sometimes, it would be going to rehab and lasting another few days to a couple months after I left. Other times, I would just go to detox (or with a sh*t load of determination, manage to taper myself off the bottle), and manage a couple days, weeks, or even a month or two.

But it never felt right - being sober that is. At this point, I'm only drinking enough to get a good buzz going for maybe an hour or two, but somehow I feel better doing that than not. It's almost as if alcohol fixes that part of my brain that never seemed to work properly. The part that actually enjoys life, the part that can laugh for real (and not just because I feel awkward being the only person in the room who isn't laughing). I do feel somewhat lost without it.

I know all about PAWS. I also know I never made it long enough to get past all that. But, damn, I sometimes have a hard time believing that I'll ever be OK. Sorry to babble on so long. I'll shut up now.

Anyway, I hope everyone's having a great day or night, wherever you are in the world!

[StuckinLA]

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I had a dream that there was activity on my thread last night. But I also had a dream a few nights ago that a really hot chick moved into the upstairs apartment my landlord has been renovating. Yesterday I was leaving to go do some writing, and an older woman was carrying some stuff up into that apartment and she stopped and introduced herself and then dragged me upstairs because she wanted her daughter, who is moving in, to meet the neighbors. The daughter, the new tenant, is cute but not way hot like in my dream, so I am definitely not psychic.

You sound good but resigned, Lis. Don't be hard on yourself, and don't feel like this is just how it's always going to be. You've done amazing things so far on bac, and on your own, but you're not quite yet at the switch, in my humble opinion. You're in a good place and one where you can keep your drinking under control and that's great. But it can get better, too, and I hope your doc understands that. Because you don't have to face the prospect of never drinking again, and you don't have to worry that your sober brain is broken, either.

Anyway, hope you are having a good one! :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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I had similar experiences with periods of abstinence and sobriety throughout my life, LIS ...Enforced abstinence followed by varying lengths of time in which I was able to maintain it, or something close to it, and mostly really uncomfortable with the whole experience.

That was the biggest difference getting sober with baclofen. I was comfortable in sobriety. Happy, even. And it took a long while: At least 3 different tries (really, more than that) over ~6 months. Then when I finally completely committed to just taking the pills no matter what it took another 4 harrowing months. But like you, I saw huge progress in my drinking during that time. I couldn't stay sober, but I wasn't drinking like normal, either.

I don't know if I would call it "habit" or something more fundamental than that. My experience is that it is what I'd always done, always known, the only thing that made things in the world okay...Even though my rational brain knew things were made much worse because I was still literally dependent on booze. The dependence faded, and then so did the habit.

jkttdp, LIS. It's a truism. The pills work. They are working for you, and they will help you reach your goal.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks, Stuck. :l I'm not really resigned, just having some fear and doubt about the whole process. And I probably am being too hard on myself. It's hard to believe it's only been a month and a half since I started going up on bac again. It seems like it's been longer than that. I guess there still is plenty of room for improvement.

And thanks for the encouragement, Ne. Sobriety with bac indifference will hopefully be a lot different than my past experiences. I can actually see a difference already compared with previous attempts. Pre-bac, after I would break my dry periods, I would manage to control my drinking somewhat for a very short period of time.

But, I would always be hanging on by a string, feeling completely overwhelmed with the obsession to drink more, and more often. Right now, there's no real struggle at all to keep my drinking at the level it's at. And I never would have made it this long without spiraling back down into a full-blown relapse.

I'll jkttdp and try to have some patience - which is not exactly my forte. I can't wait to be both sober and okay with it. Truth be told, I've already gotten my drinking down to a level where it no longer interferes with my life, but I want to do even better than that. I want to be truly free.

Not to mention the fact that most days I'm still drinking about 9 times the amount that a woman can drink and still be within "safe" levels. Not good! And who came up with those numbers anyway? One drink a day for women if you drink every day, 7 total per week, and no more than 3 on any occasion. Are they mad?! :H

Seriously though, I would like to get healthier. Up until recently, I've been pushing my body to the absolute limit for far too long, and it has started to show in many ways. I already have some health problems, at least one of which seems permanent. I've had so many withdrawal seizures over the years that I, as my neurologist explained, have "trained my brain" how to seize. I'm now epileptic and have started having seizures for no apparent reason. Medication controls it, but damn if I only knew then what I know now.

Anyway, I stopped by the liquor store again tonight, for the same small amount. But, I'm not going to let it frustrate me. I AM making progress. Some day I'll look back on this thread and be amazed at how far I've come.

I hope you're all having a great night. Hugs all around :l :l

[Lostinspace]

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Another week is over - thank god. Two days of freedom before it starts all over again. Things have been very strange at work ever since I stopped drinking during the day.

I feel like an imposter there now in an almost otherworldly sense. I recognize all the people there, and I know their names, but they suddenly look like strangers to me. And my job itself? I know what to do when I go in each morning, and know my work so well I could pretty much do it in my sleep, but it doesn't feel like it's my job anymore. It's almost as if I'm living in a dream - nothing there feels real.

This feeling has only intensified this past week. Maybe my recent four day AF streak before going back to work somehow made my brain even more out of whack from what it's used to being. It's not a terrible thing, just weird and, at times, uncomfortable. It's like I no longer feel like a part of my own life.

It's only when I start drinking at night that I have a brief respite and start to feel connected to my surroundings once more (in the usual disconnected way that I always have, but at least I'm me and things feel real - if that makes any sense at all!).

Not sure what my point is. I just find it really weird that now that I'm not spending a majority of my day ingesting reality-altering substances, my sense of reality seems even more tenuous than before.

[StuckinLA]

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Just popping in to say that I identify with that fucking exactly. My apartment never felt like mine, all my stuff seemed unfamiliar, the days never connected to each other when I want drinking. It's damned bizarre - but you're not alone in going through it. Just one of the things that happens, I guess. Hope you're ok sticking it out.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Stuck. It is quite strange, but I am sticking it out. I hope you're having a good time in Denver! :l :l

[guapo]

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After six months of drinking next to nothing, my brain is still adjusting. That's okay though, because it's adjusting in a good way. It does get better over time, that's for sure

[spiritwolf333]

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HI Lost -sounds like you are still looking for a solution to a problem that many of us all here have faced and many still do. If quitting alcohol were easy, then I would get drunk every night. You already know the reality; the habit of buying alcohol and drinking in order to change the way that you feel or think. In fact, I think that you will find most alcoholics feel a need to feel some normalcy -and the only real normalcy is to feel alcohol in the system. This cycle does suck. However, once you get a couple of weeks af under your belt, it will no longer feel so strange. You were quick to judge my posts on indifference -and that is ok. Reality just sucks for a while until you get adjusted. Just ask Stuck.

Peace to Ya

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks, guapo. I know it takes time to adjust, I just feel so weird. Hopefully, my new life will start to feel real at some point soon!

Spirit - I'm very sorry if I came off as abrasive or attacking on the other thread. That was not my intent. I appreciate your encouragement I am looking forward to a couple weeks worth of AF days whenever I get there.

Well, I drank a tiny bit more (2 extra shot bottles of bourbon) than my new usual today, but nothing significant. Didn't really need it at all - not sure why I did that.

Anyway, I reread the French doctors' prescribing guide today and was just as disheartened as the last time I read it. I was reminded that they give clear contraindications for people with severe kidney disease and epilepsy.

I am now epileptic, but only after several episodes of withdrawal seizures that kind of programmed my brain to seize at the drop of a hat. It IS controlled by medication, and from what I've read, the few, isolated cases of people having seizures on bac occurred at doses above 200 mg. I'm only at 120 mg and already feel like I'm getting close to my switch. I probably won't need much more.

I was going to bring this guide to my next bac-prescribing doctor appointment this coming Wednesday, as this was not one of the articles I brought the last time, but now I'm afraid he'll be even less willing to increase my dose if he sees that epilepsy warning.

I'll just have to convince him with my words. I don't feel like I would be in any danger to go up to say 160 or 180 mg. I've actually had no side effects so far! (Well, I do get the extremely vivid dream thing, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest).

Anyhoo, I hope you all have a great night!