Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

I really regret having those extra shots of bourbon yesterday. I know it wasn't all that much more than what I've been drinking recently, but I've been battling some intense cravings today and wonder if that has something to do with it.

I may or may not end up taking an extra 20 mg of bac if this keeps up, but either way, I'm shooting for an AF day. Hopefully, I make it.

And a huge congratulations to you, Stuck, for getting your article published! :disco: That's beyond awesome. I read about it on the topa thread, but since I've never been on topa or posted there before, I felt weird butting in over there.

[StuckinLA]

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:blush: thanks, Lis! I bet the ladies would love to hear from you over there. Hell, that thread's so slow lately they'd love to hear from anyone.

Sorry about your cravings today. That sucks but you're a tough chick and you can make an AF day or a very small amount today. Hang in there and take it easy. Happy Sunday. I'll be around more soon after vacation. :l

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks, Stuck. I did make it through the day without drinking. Hope you have a great night! :l

[StuckinLA]

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That's huge! Way to go, Lis, you rock.

[skullbabyland]

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Lostinspace;1689093 wrote: Thanks, guapo. I know it takes time to adjust, I just feel so weird. Hopefully, my new life will start to feel real at some point soon!

Spirit - I'm very sorry if I came off as abrasive or attacking on the other thread. That was not my intent. I appreciate your encouragement I am looking forward to a couple weeks worth of AF days whenever I get there.

Well, I drank a tiny bit more (2 extra shot bottles of bourbon) than my new usual today, but nothing significant. Didn't really need it at all - not sure why I did that.

Anyway, I reread the French doctors' prescribing guide today and was just as disheartened as the last time I read it. I was reminded that they give clear contraindications for people with severe kidney disease and epilepsy.

I am now epileptic, but only after several episodes of withdrawal seizures that kind of programmed my brain to seize at the drop of a hat. It IS controlled by medication, and from what I've read, the few, isolated cases of people having seizures on bac occurred at doses above 200 mg. I'm only at 120 mg and already feel like I'm getting close to my switch. I probably won't need much more.

I was going to bring this guide to my next bac-prescribing doctor appointment this coming Wednesday, as this was not one of the articles I brought the last time, but now I'm afraid he'll be even less willing to increase my dose if he sees that epilepsy warning.

I'll just have to convince him with my words. I don't feel like I would be in any danger to go up to say 160 or 180 mg. I've actually had no side effects so far! (Well, I do get the extremely vivid dream thing, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest).

Anyhoo, I hope you all have a great night!

Hi Lis- thought I'd pop in to your thread and say hello and just to hang in there. You're on your way and I'm confident you'll make it. So cool that you've got a doc to prescribe, and I wish you good luck in convincing him to increase the dosage.

And as far as adjusting to sober reality, man oh man does it take a while and oftentimes just fuckin' sucks, no way around it. But it does also begin offering times of real, profound happiness- and I would have thought that was bullshit if I hadn't began experiencing it myself. Now, the days offer more profound happiness than they do pain/sickness/discomfort... it's worth getting through the early days AF or as close to it as you can manage... there will always be boring and uncomfortable times, but soon it will become actually fun at times, I promise.

Just get through these early gray/weird days as best you can and keep on taking the damn pills.

Best,
Skull

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks for the encouragement, Skull. Yes, I'm so lucky and grateful to have a doctor who not only prescribes, but has already been willing to go over the maximum recommended daily dose - especially considering that I'm his first and only bac patient! I really hope he'll go even higher.

And I do have faith that things will get more real/less boring/less depressing/less any number of other things I feel when I'm not drinking, over time. I wouldn't be sticking it out if I didn't believe you and others here

[Lostinspace]

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So I decided today, with everyone here always extolling the benefits of exercise, that I would go for a nice long walk this evening. Walking is about the extent of physical activity that I can handle right now at my current fitness (or rather unfitness) level.

Well, after being absolutely gorgeous out all day, a huge thunderstorm hit right as I was waiting for my first bus home from work. I had no desire to get any more soaked than I already was, so I gave up and ended up succumbing to the low-level cravings I had been having all day.

I was planning on making today an AF day, and actually to make it the start of a period of "enforced abstinence," as I've heard others refer to it, to try to reset my habits. I really want to make exercise a good part of this. So, in the absence of that possibility, I caved, like the weakling that I am.

I should have come up with a plan b (especially since it rains a lot where I live - as in more days than not), but I really don't know what else I could've done. It's hard to come up with ideas for exercise besides walking.

Seeing as how I can't drive, and it takes forever to get anywhere by bus in this town, joining a gym is not a possibility - even if I managed to give up drinking entirely in order to be able to afford a membership. I don't own fitness equipment of any kind, so I'm pretty much limited to what I can do outside with my own two legs.

I'm also limited, physically, by the fact that I've dislocated my right shoulder so many times, it takes very little to knock it out of socket. Buying some dumbbells and lifting weights? Out of the question. Yoga videos? Well, I can't do anything that requires me lifting my right arm above my head.

It's all very depressing. I want to change my habits and start exercising, but my circumstances, and my own body, very much limit what I can do. Sorry for the whine-fest. I'm just really down on myself, and my life, right now. I hope you're all having a good night/day out there.

[StuckinLA]

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Hey there, chica. You do sound a little down and that's no bueno. You're seeing things from a good perspective, it seems, and clearly see a path forward, but then attach value judgments to yourself when the "should" doesn't match with how things are at this exact moment. You're not a weakling - you're an alcoholic. Big difference when it comes to saying "no thanks" to a drink, ya know? And shit is difficult when you don't have a car and are out of the habit of being active. That's not making excuses, that's being realistic. Doesn't mean we just give up though, either, but I know you won't. You've accomplished so much already. See where you're at, see where you would like to be, and take small steps in that direction without judging yourself unfairly or too harshly.

Hang in and keep on keeping on. :l:l:l

[wes]

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Skipping is hard to beat if you have a garden or small space. Low impact and it absolutely knocks the shit out of you. I'm a big walker and would rather go out in the rain especially in the summer. It never stops here either.

Exercise and booze don't really work for me. I only ever really get back into it proper once sober. Its like pissing against the wind. Its just to hard and I feel like I'm doing more harm than good. A good brisk walk does me the world of good. I have a great park near by which helps.

Once you get sober you'll be gagging for a good run. I wouldn't worry about pushing it just yet.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks, Stuck. :l :l Again, I'm sorry for being such a whiner last night, but it is nice to have some validation. It always makes me nuts when articles on exercise suggest that anyone who makes any excuse at all is simply lying to themselves.

I mean sure, if someone's number one excuse is that they don't have time to fit in a workout, and yet they spend two hours every night rotting away in front of the tv, then yes, they're lying to themselves. But some excuses have a good deal of legitimacy to them.

However, if I let my limitations permanently derail me from doing anything on days when the weather makes walking a no-go, then I'm guilty of making excuses, too.

And thanks for the suggestion, wes. I could try skipping. It might make me feel like a giddy little kid. That's something I could even do indoors, so the weather is no obstacle. And I probably shouldn't be such a wuss about the rain. I'm just not even used to walking in good weather yet, so maybe I'll get there once it becomes a habit.

I agree that trying to exercise while still drinking is kind of pointless. But I'd like to use it both as something to do, and as motivation to quit drinking, feel better, and get healthier in general. I'll get there soon enough, I guess.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Hiya. It's been a while!

Oy vey. I gotta go.

Don't think I didn't notice that you got quiet there for a minute.

Also, I think the Universe was telling you not to take a walk last night. Thank goodness there are more days. Unless you get hit by a bus. That would suck.

xxoo

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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We just cross-posted.

Keep in mind something, will you? We are feckin' warriors battling this disease. It is not for the feint of heart. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You are a warrior. Everyday that you get up and decide to take the pills and drink no more than absolutely necessary, knowing that tomorrow will be better makes you strong.

Oh, no. I don't care what anyone says, anywhere. Alcoholics are anything but weak.

Seriously, I gotta go. :l

[skullbabyland]

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Ne/Neva Eva;1690357 wrote: We just cross-posted.

Keep in mind something, will you? We are feckin' warriors battling this disease. It is not for the feint of heart. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You are a warrior. Everyday that you get up and decide to take the pills and drink no more than absolutely necessary, knowing that tomorrow will be better makes you strong.

Oh, no. I don't care what anyone says, anywhere. Alcoholics are anything but weak.

Seriously, I gotta go. :l

Seconded- you're not weak. We all succumb to cravings and maybe lose the daily battle but the war rages on, and still we fight. That's all we can do. You're not alone, you're armed with good tools and getting more all the time, and slowly the war will be won.

[StuckinLA]

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Exercising when you're drinking is not pointless. Well, maybe if you're trying to do both at the exact same time - seems they would each interfere with the other and you'd probably spill your drink.

Hope you're having a good one today. I got a little (lot) too drunk last night, and feeling pretty awkward around the girl today. Thank goodness she went out to do some shopping. After such a big night, I poured the last of the whiskey in my coffee this am, and have now gone through all the booze that I bought and paid for in the apartment. Thinking this is probably as good a time as any to quit, god, at least for a couple days or something.

Still owe you guys all an update on the weekend out of town. It was fun, and good to see old friends, and a little stressful. Anyway, that's me for now - drinking too much, working too little, gotta pull my act together.

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks Ne and Skull. I certainly don't feel strong right now, but things are getting better, little by little, so eventually I'll get there.

StuckinLA;1690443 wrote: Exercising when you're drinking is not pointless. Well, maybe if you're trying to do both at the exact same time - seems they would each interfere with the other and you'd probably spill your drink.

:H Good point, Stuck. I'm sorry things feel awkward with the GF right now. That's a really sh*tty feeling, I know. Try not to get mired in shame or anything like that. Today is a new day. This will soon pass and things will start to feel better between you two soon. Hang in there. :l

I saw my doctor today. He's willing to increase my dose up to 160 mg!!! I'm ecstatic! I'm going up to 140 tomorrow, and will stay there for a week. Then, if I still feel the need, I'll go up to 160 from there. I'm so very, very, very (did I include enough verys :H) grateful to my doctor for hearing me out.

I think it's partly because of our long history together. He knows about all of my unsuccessful attempts to get sober. Plus, I brought him that article of people on high-dose baclofen after two years a month ago, and clued him in to all of the experiences I've read about here - and told him about all the success I've already had at only 120 mg.

I am so grateful to all of you. Really, from the bottom of my heart. Without this site, I might have missed, or possibly passed over as another quack drug, what could possibly turn out to be the biggest missing key. Thank you! :h