Here we go again

[skullbabyland]

Here we go again

Lostinspace;1690530 wrote:
I am so grateful to all of you. Really, from the bottom of my heart. Without this site, I might have missed, or possibly passed over as another quack drug, what could possibly turn out to be the biggest missing key. Thank you! :h

I know what you mean- I often think the same about this site and the people on it. I shudder to think how my life would be lost without it. BTW, there's a really nice Gratitude thread over in General Discussion that often has sentiments like this-- I really like checking in there daily to foster an attitude of thanks and positivity. Difficult to do but important to practice. Check out the thread if you're so inclined

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Well, with the exception of the morning Irish coffee, managed an AF rest of the day. Did need 1/2 an Ativan to get through the afternoon, and it ended up being kind of just a slow-assed day without accomplishing much. Read a little bit. Went for a jog while the girl napped. Turns out she got a call yesterday morning about her dad being in the hospital overnight, so while I'm sure my antics the night previous were no help, her mood was most certainly not about me. Anyway, had some dinner and went to sleep pretty early. The smoke detector batteries went out in the middle of the night, and she went to sleep on the couch with a pillow over her head, then this morning the other one went out too and I had one cup of coffee and got dressed and went down for new batteries at like 8am. That won me some points, I believe.

Another slow day, not being productive. She's on Skype with a friend back home, and it's already afternoon. Oh well. I have to admit I really do feel like a beer(s). But also wouldn't mind going for another run this evening. As for Denver, it was a lot of fun - a lot of drinking, too. The friends we were visiting have 2 kids, 6 and 3 years old, and they were freaking exhausting. We spent some time relaxing by their neighborhood swimming pool, went to check out a bookstore, had dinner out and one night grilled steaks at their place. All in all, just a good time. Except that other than the family who lived there, the rest of us were all up in the air - one guy just started dating a girl he met in Italy, as in she's Italian and lives there, another guy is clinically depressed and wants to quit his high-paying job and move out of California and has done nothing but gain weight since any of us have seen him last, another guy is just always a disaster due to (attempted) relationship choices, and my future is completely uncertain after next spring. So it was a lot of talk about plans and aspirations and how to fix our moderately broken lives. That part wasn't as fun, but what can you do. I mean, what else do you talk about? That's what 'catching up' is, right?

So that's that. Already past midway through the week. Hope ya'll are having a good one out there. :l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks, Skull. I have seen that thread, but I admit I have yet to really check it out. I really need to get over my resistance. It stems from my extremely brief periods of sobriety in AA, when I would be absolutely dying to drink, and the only advice people could give me (besides "just don't drink and go to meetings") was to make a gratitude list. I would think "are you kidding me? That's the best you have to offer?!"

You're right, though, developing a more positive and thankful attitude is very important to overall happiness. I'll go check it out tonight. And I have something to add (though I won't say it there as I know most people there are AF without meds and may not recognize a reduction in drinking, thanks to bac, as necessarily a good thing).

I'm grateful that, even though I'm still drinking, it's been well over a month since I've been drunk. I never had to wake up in the middle of the night worrying how the night ended, if my husband and I got in a fight, and if there would be a follow-up scream at me session as soon as he wakes up. What a f*cking relief!!!

Stuck - don't worry too much about not being ultra productive right now. I always found that the first days of not drinking made me more lazy than usual, despite the drastic overload of nervous energy. I was too scatterbrained to do anything I really needed to do.

And recently (now that I'm only drinking at night AND taking bac), I've noticed that on the days I manage not to drink, I wake up with the alarm, feeling like I've been run over by a truck. When I drink, I wake up hours before my alarm like I've been struck by a bolt of lightening, raring to go. It just takes some adjustment for your body to get used to the change.

I'm happy that you had a (mostly) good time in Denver. And of course your plans are up in the air. That's what moving on from school is all about. It's stressful, I know, but you have the talent and know-how to do something great. Try not to worry too much at this point. (I know, easier said than done!). :l

It's my first day at 140 mg. I decided to add the extra 20 mg to my 3pm dose so that it would be in my system by the time I left work. I may change up my dosing schedule on the weekends, though, since the option of heading to the liquor store is present all day long.

I can't say I feel all that different yet, but that's not surprising. I've seen several people here mention that it takes a few days to see the therapeutic benefit of a dose change.

I did stop by the liquor store this evening and bought the same amount I've been buying recently. I think that, if I don't spontaneously stop drinking (or at least start drinking even less) within the next few days, I'll try to force a period of abstinence. For real this time! I know I've attempted this in the past and not followed through, but it's time to get serious.

I also find it funny some of the very random thoughts I have as I contemplate a life of sobriety. This afternoon I was thinking about the virtually endless supply of breath mints and other strongly scented candies I have to cover up the alcohol stench on my breath. What am I supposed to do with all of them when I'm no longer drinking? Eat them just for the hell of it, just because they taste good? How absurd! :H

Random note: there's been a really cute, yet really scrawny, squirrel out at my feeder ever since I got home from work. I REALLY want to go out for a cigarette, but I don't want to scare him off. He looks like he could use a good meal. Ah well.

Sorry for the extra long post. I guess I'm having a special case of verbal diarrhea tonight. I hope you're all having a great night out there!

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Oh man, I wake up feeling far worse than a hangover the first days of not drinking. Well, I did the last couple times I "quit." This time around, these couple days haven't been too bad. Though I did have terrible nightmares and I think in at least one of them my exexGF died in a car accident or something, and I still am not sure if I was crying in real life while sleeping or just in the dream. Either way, I woke up super early and very unsettled and texted her right away. She's fine, but a family friend of hers I guess passed away earlier this week, young guy with a kid. That's neither here nor there, but then she says when she first started her new relationship (with her husband, now father of her 2 kids) she had awful nightmares about losing me. Sweet, right? Ugh, anyway.

Didn't drink last night, which I guess was technically Day 1 since I had a couple whiskey shots in the coffee the morning before yesterday morning. Went for another jog in the evening about an hour or so after dinner - after I was already out the door I decided to alter my usual route and went for one with slightly fewer hills, and ended up accidentally jogging a 5k. That sucked.

Then like I said got up way early today and closed the bedroom door behind me so the noise of moving around wouldn't wake the girl - and it seems she's just now getting up. Talk to ya'll later, hope it's a good one! :l:l

[skullbabyland]

Here we go again

Lostinspace;1690943 wrote: Thanks, Skull. I have seen that thread, but I admit I have yet to really check it out. I really need to get over my resistance. It stems from my extremely brief periods of sobriety in AA, when I would be absolutely dying to drink, and the only advice people could give me (besides "just don't drink and go to meetings") was to make a gratitude list. I would think "are you kidding me? That's the best you have to offer?!"
I know what you mean, I thought the same, often. But it really does help. It's a practice, like meditation or whatever, that does make a difference.

Lostinspace;1690943 wrote: You're right, though, developing a more positive and thankful attitude is very important to overall happiness. I'll go check it out tonight. And I have something to add (though I won't say it there as I know most people there are AF without meds and may not recognize a reduction in drinking, thanks to bac, as necessarily a good thing).
I'm glad you went over and posted BTW, I think it's just fine to mention meds/drinking reduction there, I have. Everyone there understands that some of us are on the meds forum and that everyone has different ways to recovery.

Lostinspace;1690943 wrote: I'm grateful that, even though I'm still drinking, it's been well over a month since I've been drunk. I never had to wake up in the middle of the night worrying how the night ended, if my husband and I got in a fight, and if there would be a follow-up scream at me session as soon as he wakes up. What a f*cking relief!!!
That rocks! Happy to hear it

Lostinspace;1690943 wrote: And recently (now that I'm only drinking at night AND taking bac), I've noticed that on the days I manage not to drink, I wake up with the alarm, feeling like I've been run over by a truck. When I drink, I wake up hours before my alarm like I've been struck by a bolt of lightening, raring to go. It just takes some adjustment for your body to get used to the change.

Interesting- that should change, soon your AF nights should result in clear mornings in which you're feeling good. However, I've heard that drinking on bac (even 2 or 3 drinks) result in magnified hangovers. Sounds like your experience is different, huh?

Lostinspace;1690943 wrote: It's my first day at 140 mg. I decided to add the extra 20 mg to my 3pm dose so that it would be in my system by the time I left work. I may change up my dosing schedule on the weekends, though, since the option of heading to the liquor store is present all day long.

Just a bit of unsolicited advice- be careful with changing up your dosing too much/often. It can cause real problems with anxiety/depression and other SE's. From all I've read/experienced, finding a switch and maintenance dose and staying consistent for a good long while is a much better idea.

Lostinspace;1690943 wrote: I can't say I feel all that different yet, but that's not surprising. I've seen several people here mention that it takes a few days to see the therapeutic benefit of a dose change.

Totally does, in my experience. 2-4 days will make the SE's obvious after a dosage change. All the more reason to be careful about varying dosage on the weekends vs. week.

Lostinspace;1690943 wrote: I did stop by the liquor store this evening and bought the same amount I've been buying recently. I think that, if I don't spontaneously stop drinking (or at least start drinking even less) within the next few days, I'll try to force a period of abstinence. For real this time! I know I've attempted this in the past and not followed through, but it's time to get serious.
A forced AF time, even 7 days, makes a BIG difference. Then the real changes come after 30 or more. If you force 100, things become really much easier. But anyway, that's maybe looking too far out while early in the process- force a week or two, then go from there. It REALLY helps the bac work.

Lostinspace;1690943 wrote: I also find it funny some of the very random thoughts I have as I contemplate a life of sobriety. This afternoon I was thinking about the virtually endless supply of breath mints and other strongly scented candies I have to cover up the alcohol stench on my breath. What am I supposed to do with all of them when I'm no longer drinking? Eat them just for the hell of it, just because they taste good? How absurd! :H
Hehe, yep that's what I do, but that's more about replacing the oral component of smoking. But that's a whole other thing.

Lostinspace;1690943 wrote: Random note: there's been a really cute, yet really scrawny, squirrel out at my feeder ever since I got home from work. I REALLY want to go out for a cigarette, but I don't want to scare him off. He looks like he could use a good meal. Ah well.

Sorry for the extra long post. I guess I'm having a special case of verbal diarrhea tonight. I hope you're all having a great night out there!

Hope you don't mind all my extra replies Happy for you, keep going!

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Thought I Would stop in and say hi!
This last month has been a shit show for me and am struggling to find my sober feet.
I drank probably 20 beers last night. Gonna shoot for a sober night tonight.
Being an alcoholic is such a pain in the ass.

[spiritwolf333]

Here we go again

bkyogagurl;1691219 wrote: Thought I Would stop in and say hi!
This last month has been a shit show for me and am struggling to find my sober feet.
I drank probably 20 beers last night. Gonna shoot for a sober night tonight.
Being an alcoholic is such a pain in the ass.

Hi bky -the disease of alcoholism is total and pure hell. Sorry to hear that you are struggling.

[skullbabyland]

Here we go again

Hi BK, nice to see you again Sorry things are rough right now tho... good luck on the sober night. Let us know how it goes!

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

That's awesome, Stuck - both that you didn't drink and that you ran 5k. I'm not sure how you can do that accidentally, though. If I tried to run even 1k at this point, I'd probably be passed out in a ditch somewhere :H

Thanks for the advice, Skull. I have seen many people talk about how important it is to stay consistent with the dose, but I thought that just meant the overall dose for the day, not necessarily when you take it. You're probably right, though. It's best to get my body used to a consistent pattern. I think I'll stick to the weekday pattern I already started.

And, yeah, it is strange that I don't get the dreaded bac hangovers from drinking like other people. But then again, I've had no real side effects from bac yet and I'm already up to 140 mg. I guess I'm just weird in general - in a good way for once :H

I do plan on forcing some AF time really soon. I'd like to say starting tomorrow, but I'm afraid I'll back out of it and embarrass myself by making another failed commitment. But I've already decided that I will definitely do this if, and when, I feel the need to go up further to 160 mg (which would be next Thursday), so my AF time is coming soon.

And of course I don't mind all your replies. I love seeing you around here

Hi bk. Welcome to my thread. I'm so sorry you're caught up in that drinking hell right now. Being an alcoholic is more than a pain in the ass, it's downright horrible! I hope, for your sake, that you make it through the night. But, even if you don't, just keep getting back on the horse, as they say. I've read some of your posts in the past and know that you've had some success despite your struggles. Just hang in there. You can do this

I ended up drinking a very tiny bit more tonight than what I have been recently. I made the mistake, during small talk, of telling the clerk at the liquor store that today's my birthday. He said that, as one of their loyal customers, that entitled me to a free shot bottle. I said "thank you anyway, but my husband's taking me out to dinner and drinking already kills my appetite. I don't want to have too too much." He insisted, and said that I could just save the extra shot bottle for whenever I felt like having it. (He already knows I love bourbon, so he plopped one down on the counter).

I can't wait until I no longer feel the need to go in there. All the guys who work there know that I'm a raging alcoholic. They've ALL made comments about how I'm buying so much less than I used to. And for the first couple weeks when I would ask for my new, smaller amounts (and I had to ask - the small bottles are behind the counter), they would always ask "are you sure? That's all you want?" I don't even know what to say to that.

Anyway, my husband is about to take me out to my favorite Thai restaurant :yay: I hope you're all having a good night out there!

EDIT: bk - is 20 beers a night normal for you recently? I only ask because I worry about your possibly going into bad withdrawal. If last night was a fluke, then by all means, go without tonight. But if that's what you've been doing for a while, you may want to consider tapering down, or if you can't manage that, a medical detox.

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Thanks guys.. I miss you guys. I'm gonna be honest...
Sometimes I let certain comments get to me. That is why I took a break.
I have been having good luck dealing with my anxiety which is a bonus but still drink.
It's a tough journey but all I can do is keep trying. My kids are gone so it an inviting time for me to drink.
I have decided that I want to make every effort not to drink around them. I am hoping that when school starts I will be able to get some AF "months" under my belt. Trying to decide if I should start a new thread or just hang out with you guys.
I have been reading your thread Skull a little here and there.
I just want so much to find m way.
I know this might not sound right but reading Stuck's thread here gave me sigh of relief because I'm not alone... Made it easier to post again.

Thanks for the welcome Lost- I didn't mean to bomb your thread I thought this was Stuck's.

[Samandkatharine]

Here we go again

bkyogagurl;1691259 wrote: Thanks guys.. I miss you guys. I'm gonna be honest...
Sometimes I let certain comments get to me. That is why I took a break.
I have been having good luck dealing with my anxiety which is a bonus but still drink.
It's a tough journey but all I can do is keep trying. My kids are gone so it an inviting time for me to drink.
I have decided that I want to make every effort not to drink around them. I am hoping that when school starts I will be able to get some AF "months" under my belt. Trying to decide if I should start a new thread or just hang out with you guys.
I have been reading your thread Skull a little here and there.
I just want so much to find m way.
I know this might not sound right but reading Stuck's thread here gave me sigh of relief because I'm not alone... Made it easier to post again.

Thanks for the welcome Lost- I didn't mean to bomb your thread I thought this was Stuck's.

Hi sweetie...:h

Some of us are having a rough summer, me included. I know two old timers of MWO who are in my thoughts.
Come on back! I came back with my tail between my legs. You can too.

Sam

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Sam-

You sweetie pie... You were always one to help me along with those comments. Your a special gal.
I just needed to regroup but I do miss and rely on some of the people here and I just think I could be getting closer and closer to a breakthrough... This is my AA of sorts.

Am drinking tonight but not heavily. Thanks for the pat on the back.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

You didn't bomb my thread, bk. I like having people stop by. And to both you and Sam - don't ever feel like you're coming back with "your tail between your legs." I seriously doubt there's anyone on this site, whether on the meds forum or elsewhere, who became permanently sober after their first (or first several) attempt(s) to do so. We all understand and no one's judging

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Hi BK!! I've missed you, darling. Sorry you're having a rough go of things lately - please stick around and post if you feel like it. We do miss hearing from you and we wonder how you're doing, and no one is here to judge you in any way. Heck, we're all of us in a bit of a rut these days, it seems.

bkyogagurl;1691259 wrote:
Thanks for the welcome Lost- I didn't mean to bomb your thread I thought this was Stuck's.

Wow, I must *really* be bombing your thread, Lis. I kind of gave up on my own thread for the most part, BK. It's just... more comfortable here and no one seems to mind me hanging around.

So yesterday afternoon I was pretty much planning on heading down to the bar. The girl didn't like that idea very well, so she suggested we get some beer and watch a movie or something, since that would make it a little easier for me to get up this morning and get some work done. After some Xbox, I didn't feel like doing anything at all, so drug my sorry ass out of bed and went for a jog, even though my legs were sore as hell either from the extra 1/2 mile yesterday or the sex afterwards, not sure which. Anyway, after getting into a little bit of a groove I went for *extra* hills, and still f**king did 5k and about at the same pace as the last couple nights. There has to be a better way to kill time.

No alcohol last night - didn't go to the bar, didn't go out to pick anything up. Thought we were going to watch a movie after I played a little more Xbox and she finished up with a game on her laptop, that was the plan, but I went out and smoked a joint and that turned out to be a pretty awful idea. Maybe because I smoked too much of it? It was very small... Whatever it was I spent the next hour or so with massive anxiety, shaking all over, feeling like I couldn't breath and like there was a vice around my heart and my neck and face were tingling. And yes, I just sat there trying to tell myself that it's just f**king weed, tingling is just what it f**king does. Let the girl know that the joint was a bad idea and just sat on the edge of the bed for a while, shivering, and she scratched my back for a bit and rubbed my shoulders a little. I've had that same anxiety around her last winter, but it wasn't weed-related. I don't know, maybe something about not drinking for a couple days? It was a day 2 or 3 last time, too, just after the new year. Whatever. We're fine, and we went to sleep, and now I'm up SUPER early for the second straight day - nightmares again last night, but these are like weird ones, like I've committed some heinous crime and trying not to be caught.

Doesn't take Freud to figure that one out... Whatevs. Hope ya'll have a good one today. :l

[spiritwolf333]

Here we go again

bkyogagurl;1691259 wrote: Thanks guys.. I miss you guys. I'm gonna be honest...
Sometimes I let certain comments get to me. That is why I took a break.
I have been having good luck dealing with my anxiety which is a bonus but still drink.
It's a tough journey but all I can do is keep trying. My kids are gone so it an inviting time for me to drink.
I have decided that I want to make every effort not to drink around them. I am hoping that when school starts I will be able to get some AF "months" under my belt. Trying to decide if I should start a new thread or just hang out with you guys.
I have been reading your thread Skull a little here and there.
I just want so much to find m way.
I know this might not sound right but reading Stuck's thread here gave me sigh of relief because I'm not alone... Made it easier to post again.

Thanks for the welcome Lost- I didn't mean to bomb your thread I thought this was Stuck's.

BKY -Hi. WE are all in the same boat and just trying to survive the best way that we can. Your own new thread would be awesome.