Here we go again

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Stuck- I have missed you too a bunch. It seems it's always something... If it's not AL then we move on to something else to cope with.. I'm glad I hate weed but am starting to think pharmaceuticals again. I have a bunch of anti-anxiety & depression meds I am considering trying again. Sounds like the girl is working out pretty good huh? What made you decide to return to drinking after your AF time?

I did end up drinking last night but not in excess as I got a horrible stomach ache probably due to the spicy dinner I ate. I felt fairly depressed today and have not made it out of bed technically.. I have been in & out all day but have no real desire to do anything.. I had some vivid dreams last night too. I dreamed I was living back with my grandmother in her house just her & I. It felt pleasant. It felt like I was really there.
My emotional state has been better even tho my drinking has increased. Anxiety has been low but depression seems to be around. I really need some AF days to help me understand where I am with this looming depression. This is where I feel like reaching for the bottle of course. I told myself this morning I will not drink.. Over and over but now my mind is playing tricks on me. Saying oh maybe we should start early then we can get to bed early so we can get some things done around the house. That is a disaster waiting to happen... Start early... Not even out of bed yet really.. Already contemplating drinking and I said I would not. At least I'm here talking about it instead of doing it.

Lost- if you don't really mind I would like to hang out here with you guys for awhile. Not sure if I will create my own thread again or not.

Spirit- I will think about starting one.

I'm off to get out of bed again & maybe stay out of it.

[Lostinspace]

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That's awesome, Stuck. It sounds like you're doing pretty well, despite the anxiety. If you're already doing that well with the jogging now, then it probably won't be long before you feel high after doing it, instead of feeling like your death is imminent

And I hear you. That anxiety around others, especially people you know well (whether you're stoned or not), can definitely be rough the first several days AF. It's almost like you're meeting them all over again for the first time. You know your history with them, but are seeing them with new eyes - it can be disconcerting.

And ugh! I know all about those nightmares of trying to hide after committing heinous acts. Isn't guilt wonderful? :H

bk - of course you can hang out here I'm glad to hear you were able to drink less last night (although not because you felt sick - that sucks), and that you're checking in here today. It's really tough to overcome those mind games and really stick to the goal of not drinking.

I've been having trouble with that myself - always starting the day out with the intention of beginning a good, long AF streak, but then I start to change my mind as soon as I'm waiting for my first bus home from work. So long as you keep trying, though, things will slowly get better. :l

I did have an AF day today. I had a pretty lazy start to the day, and didn't do much besides return all the calls from family and friends that I ignored yesterday. I always shut my phone off on my birthday. I feel like such a bitch doing it because I really do appreciate the birthday wishes from loved ones. But I just wanted a nice night out with my husband and not have to spend the time fielding phone calls.

Anyway, my husband and I then went out to the movies later this afternoon. I had wanted to drink earlier in the day, although really not too badly at all. By the time we got home, I really couldn't have cared less. Maybe my recent increase on bac is starting to take hold? :fingers: Overall it was a good day.

[Samandkatharine]

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Ugh, anxiety. :upset: baclofen numbs me during the day but if I drink at night while on it I wake up at night multiple times with feelings of impending doom.

Today I watched tv all day...no exercise. I think for me the full moon throws me off. Hubby and me are having a tiff so of course I'm stewing about it and he's fine. He says I do too much for our kids just to make them love me. He's right

Off to pick up my son and his friend from a movie.

Sam

PS- love you all. :h

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Thanks so much Lost- I feel at home here.

Sam.. I could have stayed in bed reading or watching TV.. But I went out & got school supplies & changed my car battery.. Now I just want to get out of the house so I don't sit here and think about drinking.
I don't want to drink tonight. I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself "I love you" and told myself that I wanted us to stop drinking. I am so glad I think I will make it thru tonight as my kids will be home tomorrow and I will be in good shape!

Much love and hugs... I love hugs.

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Thanks so much Lost- I feel at home here.

Sam.. I could have stayed in bed reading or watching TV.. But I went out & got school supplies & changed my car battery.. Now I just want to get out of the house so I don't sit here and think about drinking.
I don't want to drink tonight. I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself "I love you" and told myself that I wanted us to stop drinking. I am so glad I think I will make it thru tonight as my kids will be home tomorrow and I will be in good shape!

I hate it when me & my DH argue and I am the only one mad.
Much love and hugs... I love hugs.

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Thanks so much Lost- I feel at home here. Freakin awesome you didn't drink.. I have been reading back thru your thread and your battle is really inspiring to me. Your honesty is heart warming. Makes me feel human.

Sam.. I could have stayed in bed reading or watching TV.. But I went out & got school supplies & changed my car battery.. Now I just want to get out of the house so I don't sit here and think about drinking.
I don't want to drink tonight. I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself "I love you" and told myself that I wanted us to stop drinking. I am so glad I think I will make it thru tonight as my kids will be home tomorrow and I will be in good shape!

I hate it when me & my DH argue and I am the only one mad.
Much love and hugs... I love hugs.
:groupluv:

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Good on you for being gentle with yourself tonight, BK. It's godawful hard to get up and change the momentum of the day, the week, whatever. That's huge, and not drinking is really big - even if it's just for tonight, or most of tonight. I hope you make it, but just sayin' that there've been plenty of times I made it all the way to 9, 10 pm, midnight, only to have a few before going to sleep (or staying up 'till 7am) - either way this is just my way of wishing you the best.

I got so damned tired of sitting around doing nothing today, but did not feel like doing one single thing. Seriously. Didn't want to drink, didn't want to exercise (I already planned on taking today off from jogging though), didn't want to read (did some this morning, at least) or write. Ugh. Just a blah day and the girl went out to the grocery store, then came back and said she forgot some things. She went for a couple laps walking around the park and then to the closer grocery store to pick them up. She invited me to come with, of course, but I don't do walking out here while the sun is still up. She also said that she realizes we've been spending a *lot* of time together in the apartment since she doesn't have a job yet, and she realizes I might need a couple hours here or there to myself. That's appreciated, but to be honest the little bit she was out today, coupled with the 45 minutes or so I've been out jogging at night is almost enough.

Anyway, I listened to about the last month's-worth of this weekly radio news talk show I generally keep up with but haven't lately, and while I was doing that I cleaned out, cleaned off, and reorganized my desk. OK, so what really happened was I was on the Restoration Hardware website, looking at $2000 "vintage" desks, when I figured that I like *my* for real vintage desk. So I took some pride of ownership for once and went through all the crap that's accumulated and almost got it sorted. Almost sorted.

Anyway, no drinking today. I sure could stand not to feel like I'm about to die all the time, though. Been up since about 7am, took an anxious-feeling nap for about 45 minutes this afternoon, one of those where falling asleep feels like you're about to stop breathing, and then a little more anxiety this evening but nothing too severe. Nothing to take a benzo over. And I forget if I mentioned this earlier, but the girl'd said there was a concert tomorrow night at the Hollywood Bowl and asked if I'd be interested. Then after a bit said she'd changed her mind because she made some credit card payments and can't afford it. Well, I pulled about 50 bucks out of this gym-pact app that I use (you make money if you meet your weekly goal, lose money if you don't) and so I bought us tickets this morning and surprised her when she woke up. So all this evening she was cooking pasta salad and snacks to take as a picnic.

That's about it here. Talk to ya'll tomorrow. Hope it's a good one tonight. :l:l

[bkyogagurl]

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Gawd Stuck you will never know how much I appreciate your response tonight.. I needed something. A nod, a hug, the double rainbow I saw coming home from the store. Thank you so much.

The first day IS tough.. Especially because I have the utmost perfect drinking conditions and after a shit show of month I have had. But I still managed to fight off any thoughts cause to be honest I really did not have cravings I just *think* I should be drinking.
I know I will be so happy tomorrow that I did not drink. I would really like to be able to stay AF until Xmas but I just feel I can't manage that many days. I will be happy if I can just get thru a weekend with friends without drinking. Next weekend I have a 10k race which friends come up for and there is a party afterward. You get a free beer for crossing the line... Ugh.

How very sweet of you to buy the tickets. An evening picnic at the park with music sounds fabulous.
I know you will enjoy it. Does the girl know you are fighting alcohol?
I had the same sort of day as you but forced myself to be slightly productive. Have you been using any meds to help along with things? I am on the fence about trying Naltrexone again. I know I will stay AF during this week no problem but this weekend could present a temptation. I don't know what the feck to do... I just wish I could not drink. I don't want to drink around my kids anymore...

I keep telling myself it's a journey and things will come up. Each day is a new day & what happened yesterday is yesterday.... Done and gone. Be back tomorrow with a fresh attitude.

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Gawd Stuck you will never know how much I appreciate your response tonight.. I needed something. A nod, a hug, the double rainbow I saw coming home from the store. Thank you so much.

The first day IS tough.. Especially because I have the utmost perfect drinking conditions and after a shit show of month I have had. But I still managed to fight off any thoughts cause to be honest I really did not have cravings I just *think* I should be drinking.
I know I will be so happy tomorrow that I did not drink. I would really like to be able to stay AF until Xmas but I just feel I can't manage that many days. I will be happy if I can just get thru a weekend with friends without drinking. Next weekend I have a 10k race which friends come up for and there is a party afterward. You get a free beer for crossing the line... Ugh.

How very sweet of you to buy the tickets. An evening picnic at the park with music sounds fabulous.
I know you will enjoy it. Does the girl know you are fighting alcohol?
I had the same sort of day as you but forced myself to be slightly productive. Have you been using any meds to help along with things? I am on the fence about trying Naltrexone again. I know I will stay AF during this week no problem but this weekend could present a temptation. I don't know what the feck to do... I just wish I could not drink. I don't want to drink around my kids anymore...

I keep telling myself it's a journey and things will come up. Each day is a new day & what happened yesterday is yesterday.... Done and gone. Be back tomorrow with a fresh attitude.

[Pavati]

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Hi, all:

Sorry to crash your thread, but I saw BK's name on the last post and had to stalk her over here...

Hi, BK. I'm very happy to see you back, sorry to see you struggling, and am rooting for you to figure what you need to find your way out - however that may be. I've been thinking about you!

xo
Pav

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Pav-
:sendinglove:

Thanks for saying that... It warmed my heart.
Where are you posting now.. I will come by. I don't think I will be starting a personal thread.
I am just gonna hang out with some. I will get it some day... SOON I hope.

Thanks for thinking of me.. You RAWK!

[StuckinLA]

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Glad I could help, BK, and glad you made it through the night. Now don't mind me as I haunt the thread and kill some time here. Can't quite sleep, or get myself even to lie down just yet, even though I'm pretty tired. Throat feels kind of tight all of a sudden, which is ridiculous. I can breathe fine - am breathing fine - and might even go out for a smoke in a minute. Just, I don't know, still off. Guess this is only day 3 or whatever.

The girl knows alcohol is a *problem* but I don't think she knows how much of a struggle it can be. I'm not using any meds anymore, though I do use the occasional miniscule dose of a benzo to get me through the worst of the withdrawal the first morning and the second afternoon, usually. And the "worst" of the withdrawal is not nearly as bad as it was when I first came to MWO. A few 30 days, a couple 60 days here and there, then that big chunk of 7 months last year and 3 months this year, all stretches of complete, not-a-drop abstinence, really helped to put the brakes on things and even maybe roll back the withdrawal issues. Anyway, that's neither here nor there; point is, I take 1/2 a benzo when I need to because I don't want them to stop working, and sure as sh*t don't want to get dependent on them. If I know I'm not going to stop drinking for at least a few days, I'll just have more alcohol in the morning and try to manage that way for a little while. Sorry, I'm rambling.

She was very kind this evening and gave me a shoulder massage when I asked. I'm certainly no expert, but since my anxiety attacks feel like heart attacks, I am guessing that I'm psychosomatically carrying most of my tension on my left side - left shoulder sore, left arm tight all the time. There are knots on the left side of my back that she can't believe - and neither can the professional masseuse I go to when I can afford to go. It's annoying as f**k. But like I said, she was awesome and spent a while on my left shoulder and arm and it feels a lot better. Not sure WTF, but then after when I laid down my neck and throat felt all tight and so I got up. She's sleeping now, and I'm just up... twiddling my thumbs.

I'll let ya'll go now and stop blathering on. Going to probably be up early again in the morning, and going to try to get some damned writing done. I've decided that since I'm having zero fun working on this chapter, I'm going to make it fun. Gonna pull out my typewriter and bang away on that in the morning and leave the laptop open off to the side just for music. If writing itself isn't going to be fun, then at least the *process* of writing is going to fun. And this is all still early draft sh*t anyway. OK, for serious, good night everybody. :heart:

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Glad I could help, BK, and glad you made it through the night. Now don't mind me as I haunt the thread and kill some time here. Can't quite sleep, or get myself even to lie down just yet, even though I'm pretty tired. Throat feels kind of tight all of a sudden, which is ridiculous. I can breathe fine - am breathing fine - and might even go out for a smoke in a minute. Just, I don't know, still off. Guess this is only day 3 or whatever.

The girl knows alcohol is a *problem* but I don't think she knows how much of a struggle it can be. I'm not using any meds anymore, though I do use the occasional miniscule dose of a benzo to get me through the worst of the withdrawal the first morning and the second afternoon, usually. And the "worst" of the withdrawal is not nearly as bad as it was when I first came to MWO. A few 30 days, a couple 60 days here and there, then that big chunk of 7 months last year and 3 months this year, all stretches of complete, not-a-drop abstinence, really helped to put the brakes on things and even maybe roll back the withdrawal issues. Anyway, that's neither here nor there; point is, I take 1/2 a benzo when I need to because I don't want them to stop working, and sure as sh*t don't want to get dependent on them. If I know I'm not going to stop drinking for at least a few days, I'll just have more alcohol in the morning and try to manage that way for a little while. Sorry, I'm rambling.

She was very kind this evening and gave me a shoulder massage when I asked. I'm certainly no expert, but since my anxiety attacks feel like heart attacks, I am guessing that I'm psychosomatically carrying most of my tension on my left side - left shoulder sore, left arm tight all the time. There are knots on the left side of my back that she can't believe - and neither can the professional masseuse I go to when I can afford to go. It's annoying as f**k. But like I said, she was awesome and spent a while on my left shoulder and arm and it feels a lot better. Not sure WTF, but then after when I laid down my neck and throat felt all tight and so I got up. She's sleeping now, and I'm just up... twiddling my thumbs.

I'll let ya'll go now and stop blathering on. Going to probably be up early again in the morning, and going to try to get some damned writing done. I've decided that since I'm having zero fun working on this chapter, I'm going to make it fun. Gonna pull out my typewriter and bang away on that in the morning and leave the laptop open off to the side just for music. If writing itself isn't going to be fun, then at least the *process* of writing is going to fun. And this is all still early draft sh*t anyway. OK, for serious, good night everybody. :heart:

[Lostinspace]

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Sam - sorry about the tiff with your husband. Don't you just hate that - that you're stewing and he can just get over it? I've had similar problems with my husband at points. We'll have an argument at night and he'll fall right to sleep. Meanwhile, I stay up for hours worrying, replaying the argument in my head, etc. Grrrr!

bk - thanks so much for the kind words. I'm often embarrassed by what I write, and want to hide under a rock after putting it out there. It's good to know that it can helpful to others.

And that's great that you kept busy to take your mind off drinking! The first day is rough, but now it's behind you. Don't worry about making it until Christmas - that's way too far off. Just focus on the here and now.

Stuck - I'm so happy you're hanging on and made it through the first few days. It sounds like things are going really well with your GF right now. That's sweet that she massages your anxious tension away.

I completely understand the intense anxiety. I have panic attacks where I hyperventilate so hard, I get dizzy and drop to the floor, feeling like I'm going to pass out. Unfortunately in my case, it's not just a product of giving up the booze. It's been happening since I was 15. I, too, have benzos (xanax) on hand for these occasions, but also don't like to take them unless I really, really need to.

Anyway, I hope you get some good writing done, and that you have a nice time at the picnic and concert tonight

I'll be back tonight to give an update. :l :l all around.

[bkyogagurl]

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I have some very interesting and good news...

Making yesterday an AF was tough as you all well know but then I received the ultimate test.
My friend calls me at 11:30 last night asking me to come get her. She and her BF had a falling out.
I pick her up and she wants to come back to my house & she is already pretty drunk.
I ask if she wants something to eat or drink & of course she wants some wine. She's asks if I would be joining her and I think I used driving as an excuse because I told her if she wanted to go home and not stay at my house that I would not drink because I do not like to drink and drive. But I did say if she was staying I might have a little with her. Well I never got a wine glass out for myself and drank water.
Funny I don't think it really mattered to her at all. I was up extremely late with her & am tired like I have a hangover but... I did not drink. I did not drink.... On one of the most easy and conducive nights.

I wanted to post last night but I was so tired & knew I needed to try to get some form of sleep as my family will be home today.

As I suspected I am very happy with myself that I did not drink... I am trying very hard not to self loath for the days I have. I find I am finding excuses NOT to drink now rather than to drink.. ie...not around the kids, no drinking & driving- although I did drive my husband home one night this last week after having 2 beers because he wasn't in any shape to drive. I had them with a large dinner but not to try to justify..

Anyway just had to share...

Stuck I am so sorry to hear you were up and feeling crummy. You know I love to hear your blatherings & they always seem to come right when I need to read. Thank you for always sharing. Sounds like this *girl* of yours could be a really good egg. She sounds compassionate and caring. How nice for you. I wonder if the tightness in your throat could be related to anxiety. I wonder sometimes what keys you up cause it seems like you live a fairly authentic life. Being honest about who you are and what you are doing. Are you as honest with you in person relationships? You seem like you would be a no nonsense type guy.
Just curious what your relationship is like with your parents? Hope I'm not being to nosy..

Lost- to be honest I think your thread drew me back into a place where I feel safe in this environment to start posting again and asking for help. It sure helped last night. I do know what you mean about putting yourself out there & wondering how people will perceive your comments. Thanks for reminding me that I need to stay present here and now.. You are right Xmas is way to far off. I need put together a plan for this weekend coming up. I would like to forego drinking but it's a party and BK doesn't usually miss a party. I thought about incorporating the Naltrexone back in... I'm just so sick of putting pills in my body as well as AL. Know what I mean?

Well I am alittle tired but think I might so for a run.. Or not. Sitting here drinking tea & reading is something I love too. Just doesn't feel as productive and I need to reframe that thought because it really is productive because it helps me work on my most difficult spot in life- my addiction.

Hugs & love to all