Here we go again

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Post first day sober anxiety is setting in a bit.. Hate it. Don't want to take a pill for it.

I really liked this so I thought I would share:

"She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

- Ernest Holmes

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

That's great, bk! You were there for a friend and managed not to drink yourself. And I'm glad you feel safe here. As for the Nal, that's up to you. I know what you mean about putting both pills and alcohol into your body, but if it helped you in the past, it might be worth considering. And thank you for that quote. It was really beautiful

As for me, I'm sorry to say that I misjudged yesterday's lack of cravings as a sign that my switch is setting in. Today my cravings were almost unbearable. This was the usual pattern of on-again, off-again, cravings that I had at my previous dose. I don't think I've gained much ground.

In fact, the cravings were so bad that, when my husband and I got back from our grocery shopping together, I booked it the whole four miles into town on foot. I couldn't be bothered to wait an hour for the next bus. I knew I'd get there faster by walking.

I still only bought the same greatly reduced amount that I've been buying recently. But that's not good enough!! I've already downed the first 200 ml bottle (of course the bourbon - that always goes first, then the vodka). I know the next bottle won't last long.

I so much want to start a prolonged AF time, but it's so f'n hard at times! And I worry about this upcoming week. My boss is out on vacation the whole week and there are certain essential things he does that I have to take over, because I'm the only person in the lab who knows how to do it.

It's great in a sense. I'm literally the only person in my lab who knows how to do everyone's job. But, of course that means that whenever anyone is out for any reason, I have to step up to the plate and take over for them (in addition to what I already do). When I'm out? No one cares. My work piles up and up. My boss (who's the only other person who knows how to do my job) will do a little bit, but let's face it, he's lazy as sh*t and would just as soon wait for me to get back, knowing I'll work twice as hard to make up for lost time - f&ck that!!!

It'll be great when I (finally) get the ability to drive back, can once again expand my job search, and can put all these skills on my resume. In the meantime, it sucks enormous hairy balls. Sorry for the foul language. I'm just stressed and feeling a bit dejected at the moment.

EDIT: I'm so sorry. I've been boiling over with rage for a while now at my job. I just barfed my anger all over the screen here. I promise I will be more positive in the future.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

I bought a card at the bookstore we went to last weekend in Denver, it's blank on the inside and on the cover it says:

"Fact #176

The average person is 20 inspirational quotes away from death."

That's it, just that. My way of saying that you don't always need to be positive here, Lis. (Also as I'm thinking about it, not to disparage BK's quote - that was lovely.) Anyway, I too will be back around later. Good for you not drinking, BK! It is tough sometimes and sometimes it's a lot easier - I also went out to meet a friend for a drink last night - he had a beer, I didn't. Just one encounter at a time.

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Lost- I love your honesty with your words... It gives a good reflection of where you are at. I cuss all the time too. And say things about enormous hairy gorilla balls. HA! I hope your evening is going well and you are able to stay at your decreased amount... I am looking very forward to another AF night as to get rid of this anxiety.

Responsibility can be very taxing & push someone over the edge continually. I think just thinking about all the shit you have to do can it itself make anxiety soar & crash into a sea of AL. It is so f*cking hard to have AF days.. At least your trying to decrease you consumption.. That is progress...
Even just thinking thoughts about decreasing is progress because it's a start to rewiring your brain.

I am so dang tired after staying up with my friend. Ugh. But my husband was nice enough to offer to do the grocery shopping for next week and ya know what... I needed that little bit of help. He has been really trying to help me through things lately.. It's amazing. It takes that "I have to do it all superwoman syndrome" off the table and could be another helping hand to recovery. He couldn't believe I didn't drink last night. Gave me the are you serious look! Did the fingers to his eyes and then mine thing. HA! Felt good to say "not a drop".

I am trying to think of things I'm grateful for to escape the crappy feelings of the first few AF days anxiety.. I really am surprised I ever drink again because I really hate this.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thank you for that, Stuck. I don't have much positivity in me to give right now.

bk - glad I don't have to guard my words against you I'm so happy your husband is helping out. I know all too much about the "superwoman syndrome," only I do it at work, and laze out at home, to the detriment of my marriage. Ugghhhh!!! Anyway, I'm very happy for you in your newfound sobriety.

I'm going to bed now. I'm overcome with sadness and anger right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Hope you all have a good night.

EDIT: please excuse my whininess. I'm in rare, ugly form tonight. I'll be better soon.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Hey, LIS.

I've got a bit of drama going on here with people who are doing work on our property. It has me gnashing my teeth much more than it should...and spending WAY too much god damn time dealing with it. I'm clearly not the one for the woohoo right now. :H That said, things are actually progressing and I'm feeling better. I know that you are on the cusp of that, too. Know that. It takes what it takes. In time. In milligrams. In experience.

Plus, you took a FOUR MILE WALK. Seriously! That's great.

Have you read JoannaD's thread? I meant to suggest it a while back. It's a long one too, but not too lo-o-o-o-ong. A lot of her experience really resonated with me, and I think it might resonate with you. I'll see if I can reach out to her, too. (I've been meaning to do that. Hope I haven't been remiss. We'll see. ) Maybe she'll stop by.

When do you see the doctor next? (You do realize that if you were in a study, you would be considered a remarkable success at this point. Right? And it just gets better. And easier, thank all that matters.)

Hang in sister. Vent. Gnash teeth. Get it all out and get ready to move on. xxoo Karen

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

I just ran across some Facebook activity by Jo, funny I should come here and see her name pop up. Here's her thread:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/f2...ate-68568.html

Sorry everyone's shaking their fists at the sky these days - it happens. Not to say it's good, I just wanted to take a little of the pressure-to-be-positive off. Feeling like you are *supposed* to be all sunshine all the time only seems to make things worse, for me anyway. Life isn't always rainbows and blowjobs, and we just have to deal sometimes. In the immortal words of Dan Savage, It Gets Better...

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Sorry to hear you've been dealing with a lot, too, Ne. I was actually going to bring up your thread today, to ask how you were, since we hadn't heard from you in a while, but you beat me to the punch.

And I appreciate the positive spin you put on what happened yesterday. I felt like a crazed lunatic walking into town as fast as I can, but you're right - a four mile brisk walk really IS a lot of exercise for me. Sadly enough, my leg and butt muscles are pretty damn sore today from doing that. :H

I don't see my doctor again until September 3rd, but I do have another dose increase (from 140 to 160 mg) coming up on Thursday, so I don't have to wait that long to go up a bit more. And thanks for reminding me that I've already been a success - just not fully sober - yet. I will get there. I hope you're well, dealing with all the chaos. :l

Stuck - thanks for the reminder that life just does truly suck sometimes. We can't always be full of sunshine. I love the way you described it, but I have to say, after the long day I've had, blowjobs are not on my list of happy things. That's just more work! :H

Also, thanks for the link to joanna_d's thread. I've only had time to read a few pages so far, but I really relate to what she said on the third page - that she feels alcohol losing its grip, is frightened by that, and is trying to hold on (by drinking).

I feel that way some days (like today), yet other days, my cravings are still so strong that I'm clawing the walls until I give in. It's all so confusing. You would think that a consistent dose of bac would provide consistent results, no?

And I must admit, I feel somewhat embarrassed after reading what I have of her thread, as well as all the rest of what I've read here. People here seem so insightful, both in their responses/advice to others, as well as in describing their own experiences. I feel so disconnected, in a sense, from what I'm going through, I don't have the words to put it together.

And when I post on others' threads? Forget about it! That's when I'm most likely to delete, when I realize what a jackass I sound like compared to everyone else. But I do try to leave my inane replies, more often than not, just as a show of support, if nothing else.

I did (as I just alluded to) drink again today, but feel it was more out of habit than anything, and also, as joanna kind of pointed out, a fear of venturing into the unknown. I pondered, on my walk to the liquor store, turning back and just going for another walk. But my legs (and ass) were too sore, so I gave in and decided to give my body a rest.

I am amazed, though, at how very sore I am. I must really be out of shape! From just a walk?! Maybe when I feel better, I'll make that my new nightly habit. I go up to 160 mg on Thursday, and I already promised myself that from that day forward, I would force some AF time - no matter what! Anyway, I hope you're all having a great night :l

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Lostinspace;1692278 wrote:
Stuck - I love the way you described it, but I have to say, after the long day I've had, blowjobs are not on my list of happy things. That's just more work! :H
Hmmm, I see your point...

Lostinspace;1692278 wrote:

People here seem so insightful, both in their responses/advice to others, as well as in describing their own experiences. I feel so disconnected, in a sense, from what I'm going through, I don't have the words to put it together.

Nah, we're all inarticulate as f**k here (except terryk, it seems, for some reason). Feeling disconnected is normal. 1) You're taking a new medication 2) you're drinking a lot less than you are used to 3) you're posting on an Internet message forum and that's weird as sh*t, right? I mean there's a bunch of complete strangers out there and most of them are stranger than the rest. You don't sound like a dumbass, Lis. The opposite, actually. But if feels that way because this is just a bizarre way to interact - it's not natural for people to communicate with each other like this. Makes one long for the days of lengthy handwritten letters that take days to write and weeks to pass between them. Or telegrams stop.

I used to rehearse posts in my head all day long, planning them out like some lame story before getting home and sitting down at the computer. Stupid. But the point is that you are more than fine here, and no matter how awkward or not-insightful you may sound, the salient point here is that you are leaving a written record of your experience as it is in the moment. My Way Out is for now the very best resource for people taking baclofen to cure their alcoholism - for better or worse - and we will never know which thread the drunk-assed sorry bastard maybe about to kill themselves one way or another is going to stumble upon. Or the person who's just started on bac and still feeling hopeless. It could be my thread, it could be yours, it could (god forbid) be Ne's and they'll have to postpone suicide for like a f**king year so they can read the whole damned thing. But whatever, there's someone out there silently thanking you for giving voice to what they are feeling right now.

There'll be plenty of time to reflect later, and to look over your old posts and wonder at how you managed to get through it, and to thank all holy things that you did. I'm not basking in the light at the end of the tunnel anymore, but I was for a while, and it is so different there. It's worth everything and posting and hanging in there to find out what it's like.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Lostinspace;1692278 wrote: Sorry to hear you've been dealing with a lot, too, Ne. I was actually going to bring up your thread today, to ask how you were, since we hadn't heard from you in a while, but you beat me to the punch.

Meh. I had a middle-of-the-night-epiphany (which are so rarely accurate or insightful) about the fact that I am once again FREAKING OUT like Chicken Little over stuff that's mostly made up drama in my head. I woke up yesterday morning with the realization and now don't care at all. ha!

I walk/jog the puppy at least a mile twice a day and I'm sore-ish. Four miles is no small feat. Do you have a plan or program or something that you can follow for the exercise stuff? I used to do a modified-Lo0p thing. And now I'm thinking about using the Couch to 5k app. I'm going to lift heavy, but I need to be able to run in order to keep the dog from going crazy! (She's a husky. We have a big back yard, but if the past Husky is any indication, this one is going to need much more than some sprints in the yard...Or she's going to tear up our house!)

You don't need a plan or program, of course. But like with anything, it really helps. Maybe we can do something as a group of sorts? The exercise plan for smokers who like the computer more than the outdoors?

And yeah, this mode of communication is bizarre. Which also makes it really, really cool. And very difficult. I'm convinced Terryk practices for a year to write his posts. And they're mostly plagiarized. He's secretly a neanderthal. (I'm joking. Relax.) xo Tk.

Peace out

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Ne/Neva Eva;1692515 wrote:
Maybe we can do something as a group of sorts? The exercise plan for smokers who like the computer more than the outdoors?

I'm convinced Terryk practices for a year to write his posts.

:H:H:H

I use Runkeeper - it's an app on the iPhone that tracks your runs, walks, or... how would you say a bike ride? Cycles? Anyway it'll track those too. I don't pair it with any of the social stuff or share my runs/walks, but you can either through FB or with a friends network within Runkeeper itself. I then couple that with an app called Gym Pact, in which you set a goal (this week I'm doing 4 workouts), and if you don't reach the goal for the week your credit card is charged (I set it to $5, some do $10 or whatever). If you do reach your goal, you collect a tiny amount of money from the collective pot. It adds up - that's where I got the $50 to help pay for the concert the girl and I went to on Sunday. 30 minute walks will count, as will GPS check ins at gyms (or the cafe next door to the gym, the GPS isn't *that* accurate).

My runner friends on FB use either Map My Run or Nike... Fit? Nike Run? I don't know, something like that - and there's a brand new trend of runners using the Nike app to draw giant penises since it maps the route you take in red on the map. Guess you gotta do something to keep yourself entertained.

Anyway, you can probably tell by my verbose and floral prose last night that I was drinking. Yeah, went down to the bar in the late afternoon to write a little - just had to get out of the apartment - and of course was kind of craving an escape from work and the upcoming semester. Ended up staying quite a while and getting pretty drunk. The girl met me down there after a while (she'd had a headache and was taking a nap when I left). Ended up she had some beers with me - with the tequila shots, she's a trooper - and then we stopped at the liquor store, where I bought 2 tallboys and the smallest bottle of Jim Beam available (except for the mini... we're not on a damned airplane). She actually remarked that she was impressed with my restraint and I even asked point out to check, and she was not being sarcastic. Anyway then we got home and she dressed up in thigh high white socks with the colored stripes at the top and pigtails and we had pretty good sex. She's really up for that kind of stuff but it seems only when I suggest it, and I only ever end up suggesting it or she only seems to follow through when we're drinking. That's probably something to work on.

Anyway, that's plenty out of me this morning. Hope everyone's having a good one today. :l

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

You keep it real stuck. And that helps me feel normal. Funny how that works... I haven't been running or lifting much but intend to get on it as I feel a little chub over my abs. Can't have that.
Know what you mean about fun little nites when drinking. DH & I have had some very fun times drinking and sexing but those times never happen sober. Sometimes sex almost feels like another job to be done in the relationship business. Not that I don't enjoy because I do.. Just seems when I'm sober my energy is directed else where in my busy life.

Lost- I think I can relate to your feeling of disconnect. Maybe because you are still drinking and you see so many in here with successful AF days, months, years... I don't know? maybe that is my perspective.. I sometimes feels like I will never make it.. I will keep coming back with the same ole shit over and over again... Trying to find my way and trying if possibly help or even encourage someone else.
I like reading the struggling people's thread more than the AF threads. I guess because that is where I am at. Stuck is one of my favorite authors because his raw honesty is something I can relate too.. I wish I had that kind of courage to write with that much authenticity. I have tried but when I feel someone might challenge my thoughts I don't have the courage to stand up for myself like Stuck does.
That is why I stay away from the forums sometimes. .. But it really only hurts me when I am away because as much as it is weird developing relationships on an internet site... I feel close to some people and their words have gotten me thru more than one day of being AF and more so helped me thru some really tough emotion places.

I have been in a bit a funk today... Analyzing life.

Homemade chocolate cake with ganache filling and vanilla buttercream frosting replaced my workout today. I was working out so hard for awhile because I though it would solve my lingering desire to drink...
Did not come close. I thought once I saw my body transforming as it does when I work out I would fore go AL as I have in the past.. This time is just different. The more I get to know myself and think about what is really important to me... I am having some very insightful thoughts and realizations.
I'm starting to waffle as my UK friends would say..

Good day to all.

Stuck will you please reiterate how to quote specific lines in a post again.. I know you told someone else and learned from that but I have forgot.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks, Stuck. :l It is quite a weird way to communicate. I hope there's someone out there who finds what I say helpful. And I can only hope that if someone is at the end of their rope, they'll take the time to read Ne's (or a similarly long) thread before doing anything rash

I'll have to look into some of those fitness tracker apps to start to keep myself on target. I don't know about that one where you have to pay in if you don't meet your goals, though. I suspect that I would either feel like I'm being punished, or I would just be a gigantic liar and say I worked out when I really didn't.

And that's really amazing that you were able to, not only stick to a fitness goal, but get to the point of getting extra money while still drinking! I hope you're proud of your accomplishments. You've done some really great things for yourself. Don't discount them just because you're not currently "basking in the light at the end of the tunnel." You will be again.

Glad you're feeling better about things, Ne. And, no, I don't have any sort of plan regarding exercise other than a vague notion that I need to start doing it regularly and to push myself to get better from there. I think a group exercise plan/thread for smokers would be a great idea! It could help keep us focused and motivated.

That's great that your furry little friend keeps you going. I so want a dog (for many reasons), but don't yet have the money, or the time, to give him/her the attention they need. Ah well, maybe someday.

bk - don't worry too much about the sex thing. It can be a little awkward when you're used to being drunk. I used to drink at all hours of the day and night. And now, honestly, the morning sex with my husband feels weird. Almost like I'm a teenaged virgin doing it for the first time all over again. I'm sure it'll get better/less weird!

And you WILL make it. The fact that you're still here shows your tenacity. And you are authentic. You've been very honest here. And no reason not to take a day off from working out to enjoy a good desert, no We're only human. Seriously, most non-alcoholics couldn't give a sh!t about taking care of themselves. You're doing a great job!!

I can't say I did much in the way of exercise today. Well I DID get off the bus early to go to a liquor store further out from town, then walked the 15 or so minutes it takes to get downtown from there. But it's an all downhill walk, and I ducked into the nearest bathroom to drink half of what I bought before starting the walk, so I don't think that counts.

Anyway, we're not too busy where I work right now, thankfully. I managed to do both my job, and take over for my boss's job while he's gone, in only 8 hours. What does that say about how f'n lazy he is??!! In any case, I worked extra hard. When you have to commute three and a half hours a day by bus, instead of just jumping into your car and being home in 15 to 20 minutes like my coworkers do, finishing on time is more important than getting paid overtime. My very limited free time is precious.

I hope you're all having a great night!

EDIT: thanks to what I said earlier in this post, I now have Madonna's "Like a Virgin" playing in my head on endless repeat.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Lostinspace;1692663 wrote: And now, honestly, the morning sex with my husband feels weird. Almost like I'm a teenaged virgin doing it for the first time all over again.
EDIT: thanks to what I said earlier in this post, I now have Madonna's "Like a Virgin" playing in my head on endless repeat.
That sounds kind of hot actually, I am not going to lie.

bkyogagurl;1692627 wrote: Stuck will you please reiterate how to quote specific lines in a post again.. I know you told someone else and learned from that but I have forgot.

Of course! There's a couple ways to do it. If you are just quoting 1 message you can click the "Quote" button at the bottom right of the post, and it will take you to the Reply screen. Delete anything you don't want to quote, and then leave the rest in between the brackets [xxxx].

If you want to quote multiple messages, there's the little " mark on a piece of paper button, also in the bottom right of the message - you click it and it turns red - then go find the next message you want to quote and click the same button there. Don't worry, it will keep track of all the messages you click no matter how many pages you go through on MWO. Then, you have to click on "Post Reply" - you can't use the quick reply box - and all your messages will be there. You might have to click another box under the window if they aren't already in the text field, but that's easy enough to see, it's pretty obvious.

Again, then you delete whatever you don't want and leave the rest. It is a PAIN IN THE *SS on a phone, but really easy on the computer.

EDIT: Oh, and that extra walk TOTALLY counts, Lis! It really does. There's nothing wrong with going for a walk, even if you had a couple drinks first. Really. I promise.

So since I'm editing anyway, may as well tell you about my day. Woke up and did a tiny bit of dissertation work. Then had to go to campus for some stupid paperwork because I'm coming off of my fellowship year and going back into teaching, and since that means I'm bouncing between departments (even though it's a department I have been in before) I have to re-fill out the tax paperwork and the form promising I can legally work in the US. Well, they have stupid hours for this one form that are different from the regular business office hours, so I just missed the window and had 2 hours to kill. I didn't shower before I left, because I'd planned on using the gym at campus anyway, but with so much extra time I went to talk with a friend of mine who is also the admin assistant for one of the programs at school. We sat and chatted for like 1/2 an hour or so, and that was nice to catch up and all. She's hilarious. Talking about my girl, she said if I weren't dating her and she (friend) weren't married, she'd totally make a move on her. I know, that sentence was really tortured with the pronouns, but the moral is my friend is bi and thinks my girl is a total catch. After that, I went to the gym. Jogged 2 1/4 miles in 1/2 an hour on the treadmill and thought I would die. Then went to the stupid business office where there was like a 45 minute wait to see the 1 person on this earth who's apparently qualified to watch me fill out the 4 boxes on these 2 forms. Ugh. I HATE bureaucracy. I mean, I know everyone needs a job, but jesus.

So now I'm home, drinking the Jim Beam that I hardly touched last night. About to make a schedule for completing my dissertation, because my friend also, in the course of conversation, dropped a huge bomb on me that I need to be basically done - like done done - in JANUARY, not March like I thought. Soooooo....

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Lost- you are to funny.. Like a virgin. My husband and I have been together to long for it to be awkward...
We have an extreme healthy sex life but when I'm drunk I'll dress up in some black lingerie with 5 in. heels and dance around the living room to Madonna's *like a virgin* that almost cracks me up.
I think in my last life I was a stripper... HA!

I don't do that when I am sober... Imagine that. Would not even consider it probably. Maybe I should try it.

Glad your work load wasn't to challenging.. I would imagine that would contribute greatly to more consumption. Such a bummer you have to ride the bus. I like walking so I wouldn't mind having an excuse to do so. But on the other hand if I *had* to everyday I might feel different..
Have a nice evening.

*made me feel shiny and new* now I will be singing it too.

Thanks Stuck-