Here we go again

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Today was touch and go for a little while there this morning. Finished the beer left on the nightstand, then wasn't sure if I was going to keep drinking all day, or try to quit for a while, or take benzos just to try and maintain, or what. I was just really anxious. But I didn't take anything or drink more right away, and just rode it out and realized I didn't feel *that* bad, certainly not as bad as I have plenty of times in the past. Got some work done - again, not much, this chapter I'm working on is a f**king mess right now but at least it's words on pages. 20 pages or so. I will be able to put it into some semblance of shape soon but maybe not quite on schedule.

The girl slept until after 1pm. She hasn't been feeling all that well, headaches the last couple days and maybe some sinus congestion today. I let her sleep. Then she was feeling super restless and played a little Xbox and looked for jobs online and I think she napped for a bit. I was a little antsy myself, so I went for a jog. 3.18 miles in 45 minutes, lots of damned hills. She went out to a bar in the neighborhood - not my bar, but up the street. After my jog I showered and came down to my bar. Brought a book I needed to go through for my diss chapter and got that done, and she's still up at the other bar. Guess she started drinking with a girl who just turned 21 today. She's cool like that, she can meet people, make friends, she's much more comfortable in the world than I am.

Anyway I'm going to have another drink or two at my bar, see what she's up to, and I will not buy liquor - not even a small bottle - tonight. A couple tall beers, but no liquor. Working toward, not abstinence maybe, but control. Something manageable for now. Guess I'll update again tomorrow.

Lis, again, you are so damned amazing. An AF day! I totally understand not wanting to go home without at least a small amount of vodka. Don't worry about that. You didn't drink it. And that's a big f**king win. :l:l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Morning, everyone!

Lis: There were a couple of notable stages for me when I was getting sober. I've seen others go through similar things. One is that the klutzy things just faded away. The second is that even the reasons to drink didn't seem like reason enough to drink.

Shortly after I stopped drinking my car was booted for unpaid taxes. The irony is that I had actually started paying my bills regularly and the boot was in error! The tow-truck driver would not take my word for it. I had to provide the paperwork, or pay him $500 in cash before 5pm or my car would have been impounded. I was at work. Imagine the rage that would normally ensue! Instead, I just handled it. It was amazing. (It was also amazing that we actually had a spare $500! That was a completely new experience, too. Drinking our money was very, very expensive. )

I got all of the money back...eventually. The city and the towing company were eventually sued, and the program was stopped. Those wankers.

The other thing is probably related to exercising as much as sobriety. I've read that a lot of people have difficulty with the physical realm when they stop drinking. I'd been on baclofen for a while, though, and that made the physical realm very tricky! :H Suddenly my brain and body and gravity all got into line together and voila! I wasn't walking into walls anymore.

Not that I really think what happened to you was necessarily related. It could just be part of that whole anxiety thing...It sounds like you have an inordinate amount of stress and frustration going on.

I hope it lessens very soon. I also hope that you got to go on that walk!

Gotta run peeps. Keep on. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

I also wanted to add that Kronkcarr has written pretty eloquently about her experiences with people and situations as she was managing sobriety. I found a lot to relate to in what she shared. Glad you got to read Joanna's thread. Love that woman.

BK--nice to *see* you and sorry you're feeling unwell. Hope you feel better soon.

Stuck, hmmmm. I'm still fairly worried about you. Another time, another place. Don't give up. xo.

[skullbabyland]

Here we go again

Ne/Neva Eva;1693591 wrote: Morning, everyone!

Lis: There were a couple of notable stages for me when I was getting sober. I've seen others go through similar things. One is that the klutzy things just faded away. The second is that even the reasons to drink didn't seem like reason enough to drink.

Totally relate to this, though I'm still klutzy a fair amount of the time... for a while I thought it was bac SE's, then for a while I thought it was living sober, now I just suspect I am, like life itself, just plain awkward at times.

But the part I really relate too is how "reasons to drink don't seem like reasons enough to drink". Once you get some sober time under your belt things do start to feel this way... Nowadays very little in my daily life seems big enough to make it 100 times worse by getting drunk. I never would have believed it, but I did come to find it to be true.

[skullbabyland]

Here we go again

bkyogagurl;1693408 wrote: Hey... Just wanted to check in. I came down with a nasty and I mean nasty bug...
So weird being that sick with NO alcohol involved.
I am still AF for now and will answer properly when I feel better...

Skull I am so glad you stopped by as I was just gonna ask you where a good place to follow you was. I noticed you are updating your thread as often. I miss you.

Be back soon...


We love you back Stuck-

Hey BK, thanks for asking I still post on my thread maybe once a week or so but I post over on the Gratitude Challenge thread daily, and often in the Sober Augustians (or whichever month it is) threads. They're both over in General Discussion. Miss you too my friend, and am glad you're back! HUG.

And, seems like Lis's thread is becoming something of a regular hangout. Lis, hope that's OK by you?

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Ne/Neva Eva;1693594 wrote: Stuck, hmmmm. I'm still fairly worried about you. Another time, another place. Don't give up. xo.

I know. I really am *ok*. Probably not great, but ok. No need to call the guys in white coats just yet. More soon.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Hey anyway so last night ended up being all right. I read through an entire book of essays I'd needed to look at, and incorporated a lot of that into my chapter today. The girl ended up getting really drunk - I guess she was having martinis and old fashioneds and whatever else with this girl she'd met. She - just my girl - came into the bar after I'd texted her. She was quite drunk, and upset that I'd gone to my bar instead of joining her at the one where she was. I get that, but it ended up being more of a misunderstanding than anything - I'd told her I needed to get through that book but I guess she didn't realize I *really was* working even though also drinking. And she was the one who pointed out that we've been spending so much time together in the apartment that it was OK to get away from one another every so often. I'd just assumed she was having fun meeting new people. Anyway, she had 2 drinks really quickly at my bar, and so I had more too, and then we came home. I did not buy liquor at the store. Didn't even drink the beer that I did buy.

Well, so I had to undress her and help her into bed, which was fine. I get it, ya' know? Every once in a while that happens. And we did have sex, but then after before going to sleep she ended up sobbing. And I worried about it, then and this morning. I thought it might be about me, or about us, or moving out here. But then I gathered my wits about me and remembered that she still hasn't found a job, she's stressed and needs money, and her dad's health isn't great at the moment. Turns out she talked to her mom yesterday and he's still having some problems, so it was actually about that that she was so upset about, and being drunk of course didn't help.

So today I've gotten some decent work done, sort of. Or, well, I was up early and at my desk for a long time. Going to keep this no-liquor thing going, and I still do have an eye toward weaning off. But not like stopping right now and detoxing on Ativan weaning off. School stuff starts next week. Eek.

Hope everyone's having a good one out there. :l:heart::l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks for saying that Skull. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's feeling awkward trying to navigate the sober sex landscape. But I guess, as with many things in life when getting sober, it takes some getting used to.

And the klutziness definitely seems worse now - not just with what happened yesterday, but I've noticed that I trip over my own feet and drop (non-dangerous things ) more often now at work. I think part of it is that when I was drinking during the day, I was so afraid of getting caught, that I was a little slower and more deliberate in my actions. But it probably is also due to my being more self-conscious, and just taking more notice of my fumbles. Of course, there's also the fact that I am a bit of a klutz naturally. I do remember, growing up, that my friends would always playfully make fun of me for being a total spaz and moving without thinking first.

I like the way you phrased it as phase one - dealing with cravings; phase two - dealing with the mental/habitual. I feel like phase one is drawing to a close for me, but not entirely. This is why I'm pushing for some AF time - to help bac better do its job. But I'm also doing it to work on phase two. I want to build better habits, such as going for walk (and eventually building up to more challenging exercise) each day, paying better attention to getting good nutrition, and the even more challenging task of working on my thinking. I've already made some good strides in that area, but negativity does still permeate my thinking more than I should let it.

I'm not shooting for anything specific, as far as how long I plan on forcing AF time. Maybe I should make a more concrete goal. Hmm . . . I'll have to think about that. My only real goal is to push it as long as it takes to build some new habits and to figure out if I'm truly at my switch dose yet, or if I still need to go higher. Thanks for checking in here. I really appreciate your insights and advice

bk - I'm sorry to hear you're so sick, but that's excellent that you're still sober! I don't know about you, but I always used to use being sick and feeling like crap as an excuse to drink even more than usual. You're giving your body a real chance to heal instead. I hope you feel better soon.

Stuck - that's fine if you want to work towards more controlled drinking, rather than abstinence, if you're not ready right now. Any amount of harm reduction is a very worthy goal, in my opinion. That's awesome that you not only didn't buy liquor after the bar, but didn't even drink the beer you bought last night. Glad to hear you got some good work done.

Ne - that's amazing that you stayed calm, pretty early on, after having your car unjustly booted. I would have been seeing red! I can't wait to get to that point where I'm handling life, and that the things that seem like a good reason to drink, just aren't a reason anymore. Also, having money! Drinking really is so damn expensive. Even when buying smaller bottles, which are more expensive ounce for ounce, I've already been saving money since I've been drinking so much less. What a waste!

I do hope that exercise will help to sort a lot of things out, both physically and mentally. And, yes, I did go for that walk yesterday and took another walk this evening. I really want to make getting some exercise my new daily norm. You've all convinced me

Well, I've already written a book, so I'll keep my update as short as this long-winded lady can manage. I successfully made it through (most of) day 2 AF now. I can't say I didn't wrestle with wanting to drink, but that was because of just an overall uneasiness, feeling like there's something missing, as well as wanting to celebrate the fact that it's Friday (god I wish my coworkers didn't spend all morning talking about their plans to go out and get trashed tonight!).

I didn't have much in the way of true cravings (well maybe a little, but it wasn't too bad). That bottle of vodka I bought yesterday is still sitting untouched in its hiding place. I'm not mentally ready to dump it yet, but when I make it long enough without booze, I'll consider doing just that. I'm gonna go eat now and, once again, make drinking that small amount not worth it. Hope you're all having a great night! :l

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Who bought a 200ml bottle of whiskey last night? This guy. Stashed it away in the cabinet without opening it, though. This really is getting too expensive, among other things. Basically what I'm balancing is the desire to drink more after the bar and the nervousness that I might not have anything in the house the next afternoon before going to the bar again. The thing is, I don't even feel *that* bad in the mornings. A little shaky and off, sure, but not terrible by any means. Oh well, just self-medicating a problem that wouldn't exist if it weren't for the "medicine" in the first place. Or it would. It's kind of just now starting to dawn on me how much actual stress I'm under these days.

Up way, way too early this morning. Started waking up around 6:30, finally got out of bed at 7. The girl woke up, too, which isn't the usual around here. She's been on her laptop playing her Sims game and just went into the bedroom to play Xbox. I've been reading about a hundred years' worth of Chaucer criticism. No, that's not kidding or an exaggeration. Almost done with my morning pot of coffee, and it's only 9:30. There's a whole lot of day left. Hope it's a good one for you guys. :l

[Lostinspace]

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Hey Stuck. I'd probably be a lot more impressed with all the reading you got done if I had any idea who Chaucer is, or what a hundred years' worth of criticism looks like But, I'll take your word for it that it's a lot. I'm sorry you're under so much stress. Hang in there :l :l

(Edited because of yet another very long, rambling post that I'm now embarrassed of. Suffice it to say I had a good day).

Anyway, this is day 3 AF for me. No real cravings at all today. I hope you're all having a great night :h

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Aww. That's too bad, I love your long rambling posts, Lis. Glad you had a good day! And so damned proud of your 3 days. People can get used to anything - even prisoners of war - after 3 days. Something about the human body adapting to changing circumstances. Sorry I can't link proof of that but you can trust me

Geoffrey Chaucer was a 14th century English poet. He wrote the Canterbury Tales, though that's not the one of his I'm writing about. Anyway, take care. :l

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks, Stuck. I'm not sure why I got so embarrassed and deleted everything. I just had a sharp twinge of self-consciousness last night and decided to get rid of most of what I wrote, outside of my response to you. So here's the (probably not much) shorter version of my weekend so far:

My husband and I spent a lot of time, both yesterday and today, getting our house deep cleaned and in order, since we've been letting it fall to sh!t for far too long. Then yesterday afternoon, we went to a local u-pick farm and walked around picking a whole bunch of fresh veggies and peaches (and trying not to get attacked by the swarms of bees buzzing in and out of the plants). It might sound dorky, but we had fun. When we got home, we actually took the time to prepare and eat a nice meal together - something we haven't done in months.

I was just really happy, and still am, because (a) I spent my weekend doing something besides loafing on the couch, watching tv, and getting up only to take the bus into town for a liquor run and (b) more importantly, my marriage has improved so dramatically. We've spent most of our weekend together so far, both to get important things done, and to just enjoy each other's company I can't remember the last time we spent more than two or three hours of our days off together, outside of attending obligatory, out-of-town family functions. I can see the love in his eyes when he smiles at me. This doesn't feel like the usual calm between the storms. I think he's really starting to believe that I am capable of change. Maybe I'm reading too much into things; I hope not.

Anyway, the day is still somewhat young, but I have yet to touch that bottle of vodka I bought on Thursday night, and so far, have no desire to. It truly is amazing. I don't want to say I've reached my switch dose yet because I seem to remember other people, in the past, thinking they had reached that sweet spot, only to end up binging and having to go up higher in dose later on. Only time will tell.

Oh, and I have heard of the Canterbury Tales, but can't say I've ever read it. Please excuse my literary ignorance. I was a science major and only took one semester of (ancient Greco-Roman) literature in college. I can't say I've taken it upon myself to read any of the classics either - for shame :no: I hope you're having a good day and not drowning in school madness :l :l

[bkyogagurl]

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I'm back.. Got thru the bug and Ran a 10k this weekend got 2nd in my age group. I drank heavily on Saturday to *celebrate* ugh. But will be AF this week and I'm hoping to make thru next weekend AF-
I need to take a weekend off.

I skimmed the posts and noticed LIS made some AF days... Friggin AWESOME!


I need to read back thru to see what's been happening. I will do that.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Oh man, BK, 10k is awesome - and to be at the front of the pack! Way to go, girl. I feel done in and dead after 5k, and I'm not jogging quickly either. Celebrating is... expected? Hope it was fun at least. And it's good to hear you're getting right back on the horse and setting a goal for the week. Good to stay focused and not let slips get you down.

And Lis, that sounds like a wonderful, lovely weekend. So nice to see. And I bet you're not reading too much into things - that look is pretty recognizable. And while I might not be up for picking veggies - I barely pick them at the grocery store - it sounds like you enjoyed it and that's what matters. And seriously, don't worry about not having read a whole bunch and particularly the stuff I'm working on. It's fairly obscure - or at least this 1/2 of my dissertation is. Chaucer (14th century English), and the next section is on a 13th century French narrative poem that I won't even name because no one's ever heard of it. I don't even read most of this sh*t, but it's theoretically interesting for my overall project on authority.

Anyway, well another weekend has come and gone. Trying to remember what all we did here. Oh that's right, got drunk. Friday was out and that was the sh*tshow I described earlier - though we cleared all that up and she's not upset or anything. Yesterday I got us tickets for this taco street festival because a grad student friend was throwing her birthday there. We showed up and it was just clusterf**ked, people everywhere and standing in the sun and impossibly long lines that weren't moving, and we hadn't eaten because, well, there were going to be tacos supposedly. And I didn't buy the tickets for the beer garden since they were so much more expensive, and suddenly it's like WTF, no beer?

After a while I suggested we hop on the train and head toward downtown for a couple drinks, and that got the attention of another student friend, so she joined us. We found a fancy japanese basement bar and proceeded to drink. And chitchat, and several hours later made our respective ways home. There's been a 2 day music fest in my neighborhood so getting home was just ungodly. Plus a baseball game and I live right by the stadium, so people, people everywhere and drunk and loud. A kid got stabbed to death on my corner Friday night, about an hour after I walked past there on my way home. So going to the bar before home was not an option - too crowded and didn't want to deal, even though we both weren't feeling done drinking for the night. We swung through the liquor store then went home. Before we knew it we were in PJs, and it's like well, what now? I said we could watch some TV or a movie or, jokingly, porn. She took me up on the porn. Interesting. Let her pick of course, and I'll leave the rest of the evening to your imagination.

Anyway she fell fast asleep and slept like a rock, so I picked up around the bedroom and finished the bag of chips she'd bought and the beer she'd opened. Well, that's enough of a f**king diary entry. I annoy myself after a while when I realize I'm narrating my days minute-by-minute but I guess I'll just leave it. Talk to you all soon! :l:l

[kronkcarr]

Here we go again

Lis, you sound great. Congratulations on the af days and the happy time with your husband. Life's good, huh?

bk, nice going with your run. I'm running a 5K this Saturday and I ran the course yesterday. I broke 30 minutes but I hurt most of the day.

Stuck, keep on my friend. 😎