Here we go again

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Today was the closest I've come so far to breaking my AF streak. After my hairdresser appointment, I walked to the main bus stop in town to take a bus up to the mall so I could catch a movie. I knew I'd be getting there almost two hours before my movie started, and I couldn't just take a long walk and catch a later bus because it was raining, and my beat-up umbrella has gotten so bad, it barely keeps half of my head dry. I felt a strong pull to run across the street to the liquor store and buy a little something to help pass the time.

I forced myself to hold off and just get on the bus, reminding myself that there's another liquor store right up by the mall, so I could always stop there if I still felt the need. I got on the bus and ate the lunch I had packed for myself. When the bus stopped right by that second liquor store, right before my stop, I almost got off. I still REALLY wanted to drink. I grabbed my bag and started to get up, but somehow managed to sit back down and keep my butt in that seat. I didn't want to blow my AF run - it's now day 8.

The sun had come out while I was riding along so I got to go for at least a short walk before the next storm rolled in. The urge started to fade and eventually passed as I walked around. After my walk, I decided to go into the mall and use the money I've been saving from not drinking to buy myself some new clothes since the clothes I have range from shabby to practically threadbare, and are really embarrassing.

So long story short - nothing happened. This all went down over five hours ago. I've been blissfully indifferent ever since. I'm now back home and have absolutely no desire to touch that bottle of vodka that I STILL have, but haven't yet opened. But it was really unnerving just how close I came to giving in. I thought I was over that crap!! Is it normal, when you've just recently hit your switch, to have moments like these? Like it's just some sort of mental remnant from my drinking days that I need to train myself out of? Or is this a sign that I'm not quite there yet? I'm a little confused, and a lot disheartened, by what happened today.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

You did really great today, Lis. It sucks that you had to fight off some cravings, but you did it. That happens off and on, as you know, but lessens over time. That you are having them at all means no, this is almost certainly not yet your switch dose. But take heart! It only gets better from here. :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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What Stuck said. That's amazing that you rode through it. But no, it's not the magical place where you just don't crave booze anymore. That place is hard to recognize because it is a lack of something, but you'll know it eventually. It's very comfortable to not want to drink.

When's your next appointment with the doc?

[Lostinspace]

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Thanks guys. I guess I'm not quite there yet - very disappointing. I was sure I had made it, considering I went a week with either no cravings at all, or only very mild, or very fleeting cravings. But I'm very happy I didn't cave yesterday. I've gone back to being craving-free ever since then and had I given in, it probably would have set the stage for the rest of my vacation being a drunken blur - and most likely extending beyond my vacation. I still have five days left to relax, enjoy, and fully remember

Ne - my next doctor appointment is on September 3rd, although I'm not too hopeful he'll let me increase any further. I can always ask, of course, but he has been uneasy letting me go up this high in the first place. And since I've already gotten my drinking under control, I don't think he'll be swayed by the fact that I occasionally have to battle intense cravings when life is otherwise hunky-dory. We'll see . . .

Anyway, it's 9:30 and I just woke up a half hour ago! (I wake up at 5 to go to work so this is a huge deal). Not yet sure what my plans are for the day. I'll have to come up with something once my morning coffee kicks in and my brain starts functioning Hope you all have a great day :l :l

[bkyogagurl]

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LIS- it's so friggin hard at first to break the "habit" of wanting to drink. It's something you have done forever and you being strong is creating new habits & ideas will make it easier each time those cravings come on. For me- my emotional state strongly contributes to my urges to drink.
I have little desire to drink... WEIRD... I am still planning on being AF this weekend. I know I will not drink tonight as my kid has an event that will need a ride to and from so that makes it easy. And to be honest I don't feel like it.. I don't feel like waking up hungover or even just with AL on my breathe. I am looking forward to a great weekend resting and cooking and jogging...
I have thought about drinking but as soon as it comes my mind goes to how I will feel afterward which puts the breaks on relatively fast.

Ne- thanks for your insight. You are like the reasonable alter ego I truly need to see the *positive* side of things. I thought a lot about what you said and ya know what... I am not truly fat or ugly for that matter..
I have a figure most ladies my age would pay large sums of money for & I don't really look my age at all.
I think for me I found that if I loved or admired myself.. I might be conceited..
But most importantly and what I am most proud of is I'm a compassionate, caring person who tries my best to be kind and loving toward most people. That's some good shit.
Thanks for helping reframe my thoughts toward myself. It's so easy to think negative and hard to look at the beautiful.. It's good practice tho.
I have to be honest tho... I did wish I would have come in first in my age group for the race.. Next time.

Wishing all a wonderful day.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Lostinspace;1696695 wrote: And since I've already gotten my drinking under control, I don't think he'll be swayed by the fact that I occasionally have to battle intense cravings when life is otherwise hunky-dory. We'll see . . .

Well that's fucking bullshit. What the fuck's the point of baclofen other than so you don't have to battle intense cravings?

I get kinda angry at doctors, sorry. Don't let him off easy - you are doing fine on bac, virtually SE-free. And still having cravings, which means you go a little higher and no damned reason not to.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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hmmm. Stuck's reaction is quite understandable. Unless, of course, you learned about addiction (and treatment) in medical school, in which case baclofen makes no sense and treating craving (or anxiety or whatever) is irrelevant as long as the person abstains. But that's not how we roll around here because we know that there is a better treatment than just admitting we're powerless ('cause we're not) and praying and shit. (No offense to those it works for...if there are actually people it works for.)

Anyway. Where was I? Ah, yes. Well, the doc doesn't necessarily need to know that you're so close. The doc might just need to know that you aren't quite there. And what's 20 mg more? Or 40? Or even 80. If he's not convinced, then...well...there are other options.

I'm sorry you're disappointed. If I were you, I'd be kind of relieved. I mean I understand why you're disappointed. Especially since you don't know, yet, what it is to be indifferent. I don't mean to be pouring the kool-aid, but until you get here you just can't understand what it is to be completely free from booze/craving/addiction. Indifference is just that, LIS. You will put a glass of bourbon under your very nose and not want it. When you drink it you will not feel the old familiar comfort. And when you leave the room, you will find that you forgot your drink two hours ago and you don't care. You'll throw it out. And still won't care. You won't hide booze anymore. You'll keep some in the cupboard and still you won't care. You don't have to take my word for it. It has happened over and over and over again.

Also, in all honesty, I would be really pleasantly surprised if your switch was that low. It'll be up to you to go up. Many people don't, and are content to stay where they can control the craving without caving. I totally get that decision. I wouldn't do that, but I completely understand why someone would. If that's what you want to do, it's a very reasonable thing to do. But you don't have to make that decision right now.

Also, don't underestimate your doctor. Ask him nicely. Thinking we know the outcome before we have the actual answer is often counterproductive. I should have started this post with that statement.

Back later...

[skullbabyland]

Here we go again

Hey Lis, just thought I'd pop in and say how awesome it is that you were able to delay the decision to drink. I heard somewhere that brain scientists have quantified somehow that physical cravings are very finite, lasting less than 15-30 minutes tops. If we can delay the decision to drink past that, we've got a real shot at staying sober, as you did. SO cool

One thought I wanted to throw out there- well, a question, really- what would you think about throwing out that vodka bottle? It seems possible to me that having a vodka bottle in the house is like having a Lostinspace self-sabotage kit just ready and waiting for a craving or stressful day or whatever. I mean, it's not like you can't just go get more at the liquor store, right? But, like junk food, having it just outside reach, at the store instead of your house, might make the difference when you have a tough day. Just a thought. Have a lovely AF free vacation and well done!!!

[StuckinLA]

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Ne, as always, a lovely post full of sound "advice." I am glad my cranky foot-stomping post inspired such a reaction.

And tossing the vodka bottle is certainly a reasonable idea. Though it's not always necessarily a self-sabotage kit. When my mom quit smoking she kept the last cigarette of her last pack in a drawer (with a lighter tucked in there, too) and it stayed in that drawer... 15 years? However long it was until they moved out of the house and even then, it's packed away somewhere. Knowing that if things got *that bad* it was there was comforting. And it - to me - feels different knowing that there is 1 very particular safety net, instead of thinking about all the liquor stores out there or all the cigarette shops or whatever. I left the last 6 pack I bought *in the refrigerator* for the 7 months I got sober (not on baclofen), and when I drank it wasn't from that 6 pack (it was in New Orleans, long story told elsewhere).

I'm not sayin' one way or the other is right, or even sure myself which I'd rather do right now - keep a bottle around or make sure the house is dry. Only that different things work for different people at different times of their lives.

EDIT: It's been great seeing you around a little more, Skull. Haven't followed your thread too closely of late, but sounds like you're doing really well and that is so lovely to hear.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

bk - you sound great! That's so awesome that you don't even want to drink right now and that you're looking forward to an AF weekend. Having things to look forward to definitely helps. A weekend of jogging, cooking and relaxing is much nicer than a weekend of hangovers and regret

And yeah, habit is a difficult monster to kill. My triggers (god I hate that word - it reminds me of rehab and alcohol counseling, in general, but I'm not sure what other word to use) are varied. Everything from stress, to feeling down, to being bored, to getting hungry, to just seeing other people drink, used to set me off whenever I tried to get sober in the past. Fortunately the bac has helped me so much with cravings that yesterday was the only major struggle I've had in the last nine days. I am so enormously grateful for that.

You're right, Stuck. I will keep asking and pushing to go up until I reach that sweet spot of indifference. But Ne's also probably right. I may be underestimating him. After all, I doubted he would allow me to go above the 80 mg maximum when I went in, armed with both articles and anecdotal evidence based on what I've read here. I'm now on twice that amount, so maybe he will hear me out.

And thanks for the encouragement, Ne. I still can't imagine actually trying to drink to get a buzz going and not enjoying the effects, but I do now believe it's possible. If someone had told me a few months ago that I could keep a bottle of vodka in my house for nine days and not open it, and that I would only suffer intense cravings once during that time, I would've told them that they're crazy and that they just don't understand what it's like. But these past nine days, that's exactly what happened.

Thanks, Skull. It was pretty cool to ride it out and let it pass. Although my craving lasted more like 40 minutes, so I guess there's a little more to it than what those scientists deduced And I know that keeping that bottle of vodka around is probably a bad idea, but I've been very resistant to letting it go. For one thing, when I'm in a good space I feel strong having it around. I know I can drink it at any time, but I just don't want to. I feel like I'm reclaiming something from all those days in AA when I had it drilled into my head that I'm powerless. I'm not powerless - that bottle is under MY power!

But, of course, there's also the part of me that's scared to let it go. I couldn't even really explain or put my finger on why until reading Stuck's response after yours. Having that safety net does make it seem more doable somehow. But you're probably right - I am putting myself in a prime position for self-sabotage for those moments when I may be craving like mad. After the strong cravings I had yesterday, I really should consider trying to grow the balls to dump it.

And Stuck, I read over on the topa thread that you feel like you're wasting your last few days before the semester begins. I'm sorry you're going through that - I can so relate to that. That's what I did every single semester when I was in school. I so badly wanted to enjoy the hell out of my last few days of freedom, but the anticipatory anxiety was almost paralyzing. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself :l :l

Today was nice and relaxing, and completely free of cravings. The weather held out long enough that I was able to walk around town for a good two hours (and buy a new umbrella) before the rain started. After my walk, I went to the library and took out three books - yes, BOOKS! My attention span has grown to the point that I can read more than just posts on the internet and the occasional article. But of course my inner overachiever caused me to take out far more than I will ever find the time to read in the next three weeks (when I have to return them). Oh well. I hope you're all having a great night :l

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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hmmm. I thought better of that. Sorry.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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I should finish that memory so that it's at least a little relevant.

The night I stopped drinking against my will was cold and rainy and I just didn't feel like stopping to get anything to drink. BUT I had the assurance that 7-11 sold beer until midnight (or something?) and that Ed would also have some booze in his car. Just in case I was overcome with a crippling craving. I needed the safety blanket and didn't believe that the battle was over. It was.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

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Sorry again for deleting my post, LIS. I was suddenly very self-conscious about being all mushy and walking down memory lane. Especially on your thread! Bad enough when it's posted on my own. :H

Still, it was a bad example to set, especially when I've given you a hard time about deleting or editing your own posts. It makes me sad when you do that. Honestly, the only posts I really regret, after all this time, are the really contentious ones where I've made people feel badly. But I regret that I've heavily edited or deleted lots of them. Just because it's relevant to know where I was, what I did, in order for people to figure out where I am now relative to all of that. Plus it's the only way I can remember a lot of stuff!

I still don't feel like posting on my own thread, yet. But I should. So I will. Later. ha!

Hope it's a good day. I'm thinking about eschewing all of the stuff I am supposed to do in order to take care of me. Haven't decided yet which would bring more comfort: Doing what I should or doing what I want.

Btw, I have 30 pages left of a 600 page book I've been reading non-stop for several days. I LOVE reading. Hope one of those books is worthy of immersion and that you enjoy it as much as I have recently. xxoo

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

No worries, Ne. Although I am really curious. You can be as mushy as you want to be on my thread Also, considering that you're about to start back in school, I say do what you want to do and take care of you - there will be plenty of moments of doing what you have to do in the upcoming weeks. And yeah, I'm starting to rekindle my love of reading already. I spent several hours today immersed in two of those books, going back and forth from one to the other. So I guess my attention span isn't all *that* good yet :H

Not much else to say about today; it was rather uneventful. I'm about to go pack for tomorrow's backpacking adventure. It's a really small trip compared to the ones I did in my early 20s, but I'm ridiculously excited Anyway, I'll probably be around the boards later tonight, but this will be my last update until Monday night. My husband and I leave in the morning to hit the trails and get lost in the woods. If you don't hear from me again, it probably means that I got mauled by a bear, in which case I'll just say that it's been lovely meeting all of you :H And I'm sending big, warm hugs and good wishes out to you, Ne and Stuck, as you begin a new school year. Hope you all have a great night :l

[StuckinLA]

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Man I am so damned tired today. Well, no shit, I guess. Been hitting the bottle pretty hard the last week or two. But today, just wiped out. On the plus side, it looks like I will make it through the day without drinking. The girl's out with a friend and probably won't be home for another hour or so. I'm going to relax in bed, read a bit, and maybe call it a very early night.

Have a great trip, Lis.