Here we go again

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

First, an embarrassing admission: I didn't do any of that stuff I suggested about getting out of the house and making new friends. It's the kind of crap a therapist might say. I don't know about you people, maybe it will work for some of you? But for me, being in a group of people who weren't in recovery and have no idea about what I was going through would have been exhausting and stressful. Add to it that being around people who are in recovery was completely frustrating. I went back to AA a couple of times, and it definitely wasn't going to work for me.

My solution was to spend A LOT of time here. It was the only place where people knew me well, knew what I was doing and how I was doing it and why. I spent less time feeling lonely, and more time really engaged with others because of the people here. It's one of the reasons I'm still here. The other is that there is a gaping hole when I don't participate! Even now! It pains me when people don't get support. But it also helps me to write, for others and for myself. Even now...

Lostinspace;1699123 wrote:
I had two weeks AF, and now I go back to nothing.

I'm glad you can see (sort of) that sentiment for what it is: Complete and utter bull shit.

How long ago was it that you didn't think you'd be able to stop drinking daily? Think about where you were when you posted for the first time...It was only 10 weeks ago, Lis. Ten. Weeks.
How many sober days out of those?
Now imagine what it's going to be like in another couple of weeks. And what will it be like in a couple of months?

Baclofen recovery isn't just milligrams. It takes time, too.

I also want you to think about the things that you've done in the last two months that were probably inconceivable when you started here: Cleaning out your space. Hiking and still experiencing the magic. Sober and happy sex. Those three things alone were just hopes and dreams when you got here.

Last night wasn't a big deal. It won't be a big deal when (if) it happens again. You know what is a big deal? Shame and guilt. You are taking incredible strides. Don't undermine your success.

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

I hope you are treating yourself well today, Lis. I'm drinking tonight myself, after 7 days AF. We'll talk more about all that soon here I'm sure. Just be nice to yourself please. Ne is exactly right: you've already done the impossible, and that makes you mighty.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Goood morning, peeps.
Man, my early morning mind is not in a good place. It's been months of waking up with anxiety and terrible thoughts, and I'm so sick of it I could scream. I remember this from long ago, and I can't believe I let myself get back there. Not that I made a choice about it.

This morning it was about the puppy of all things. I woke up and immediately resented my puppy. Seriously. wth? I have two deal breakers with dogs: One is anxiety. I am not fond of the idea of having another anxious dog around. (The last one was pretty neurotic, go figure. Though I loved her with my whole heart.) This one is not, thankfully, despite a rocky start. The second deal breaker? Poop. I think my puppy eats poop. And I woke up obsessing about it. Then again, my waking obsessions are very rarely based on actual things, and I'll have to wait until sunrise to find out the truth in the matter. (Please, please, please let me be wrong about this one.)

I figure that seems silly to many of you. And downright disgusting to those of you who don't have dogs. The issue is not so much that she's a poop-eater, though, it's the obsessive anxiety I wake up with. More often it's about me. Or the end of the world as I know it.

Fortunately I figured out, with the help of baclofen and sobriety, that it isn't normal. It doesn't have to be. And I'm going to get rid of it. I'm also going to make sure that my puppy doesn't eat any more effin' poop. urgh.

Hope it's a good day. Hope mine gets a little less fraught.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks guys. I really appreciate all the responses to my post on Thursday. I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. My husband and I smoked a few bowls when I got home from work last night. I got really stoned and came here and read, but couldn't manage to string a coherent thought together. I do appreciate your kind words and reminders, though. I have come a long way and I'm not letting any one little thing bring me down

Stuck, I hope you're taking your own advice. Seven days AF is really great, as I'm sure you know.

Ne, sorry to hear about all the anxiety. I can't relate to that particular fear but waking up in a state of anxiety or panic each morning is really suckful, I know. Just out of curiosity, what do you plan on doing to get rid of it? In any case, I hope things are calming down for you as the day goes on.

I'll be back later. Just wanted to let you guys know I'm not ignoring this place. I was just a little too stupid to respond. Hope you're all having a great Saturday :l

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Only because I'm on my phone and nowhere near my laptop - like 40 miles away, in fact - that I'm not linking a YouTube clip directly. But I recall your attention to the diner scene at the end of Pulp Fiction, Ne, where John Travolta and Samuel L Jackson are talking about pigs and dogs eating their own poop. Dogs have personality. That's what makes the difference.

Love and hugs to you all. Enjoy your holiday weekend.

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Today was uneventful. I spent most of the day reading, and only went downtown to go to the library and get some new books. God, I'm turning into such a nerd. But when I got down there, the library was already closed for the three-day weekend. It's probably a good thing, though, because it'll motivate me to actually go out and do things tomorrow and on Monday.

And thanks again Stuck and Ne. I've left all guilt and shame over the other night behind me. And since then, I've had no further cravings, just another two days of smooth sailing in AFdom.

Although quite honestly, I plan on smoking again a little later. I'm not doing this as some sort of alcohol-replacement thing. Without going into too much detail, I'm subjected to at least the possibility of having to take a drug test once a month. Once that day has passed, my husband and I tend to spend the next night or two celebrating, knowing that I still have the better part of a month to clean out. I'm a terrible person, I know.

Anyway, I hope you all have a great night :l

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Thanks guys. I'm trying to hold things together and not feel shitty about drinking. Last night and this morning, I actually got pretty drunk pretty quick this am while watching a football game. This afternoon then was fairly crappy, and I passed out in the car while the girl drove us home from the friends' place where we'd stayed last night. Now it's about 9pm and I'm just starting to wake up and feeling awful as you can imagine. Took 1/2 an Ativan just now, hoping to keep all the withdrawal away and hoping to go back to sleep for the night. Going to schedule an appointment with my doc for the upcoming week. Blood pressure's been kind of all over the map lately, so need to check in and make sure I'm more or less ok.

Ne, so sorry to hear about your morning panic. That's the fucking worst. :l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

I'm sorry your weekend is starting out so rough, Stuck. Please don't feel bad about the drinking. You made it seven days, after not being able to go more than a couple days this past summer. That's progress! Plus, you have enough to deal with, feeling crappy physically in the aftermath of drinking; berating yourself will only compound the misery and make it all the more likely that you'll keep looking for relief in liquid form.

And Labor Day weekend is always tough when you start back in school. You have that first anxiety-laced week that fills you with fear for the semester to come, followed by a three-day weekend. It's only natural to want to come down from all that and relax. Just keep looking forward to what you can do next, and don't worry about what has already happened. I'm glad you're going to the doctor and keeping an eye on your health. Be nice to yourself today :l

For me, this day started out with what I can only describe as a hangover - from food. I normally get the munchies when I smoke, but will usually fall asleep before too much damage can be done. Well last night I ate four peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, a plate full of cherries and strawberries, and almost half a box of Oreos, before finally dozing off! I woke up three hours later than normal, feeling like I had been run over by a train. Two hours and two cups of coffee later and I still don't feel like doing much. I guess I should go get my butt in the shower and get this day started before I end up wasting it. I'll be back later. Hope you're all having a great day!

[StuckinLA]

Here we go again

Oh man, that sounds... intense, Lis. You take it easy on yourself today, too.

I slept finally, and through the night. I'm not all that pissed at myself except that I'd started to make progress (I mean physical progress, the B/P was starting to stabilize, I was starting to sleep through the night without panic, the withdrawal anxiety attacks were going away), and instead of sticking with that progress I got drunk Friday night and immediately Saturday morning. I don't want to go back to daily drinking, but at the same time I wish I didn't have to pay such a steep price in fear and panic and blood pressure for just getting drunk twice for a football game on the weekend.

Anyway, all kinds of stuff going on here. Still trying to get paid by this international group I worked for late last year, and the tone's turned hostile (because of me, actually, but that was a calculated move). Then my boss has called me in for a meeting next week and is being vague about the reason, even after I specifically asked, and in my experience that's never good. And I turned in my most recent chapter and it still sucks and is still too short and I'm freaking out. Meeting with my advisor today for lunch in his neighborhood, to kind of talk over deadlines and stress and all that, since no one else even seems to know *when* the deadlines are for getting everything together in the spring.

Oh well, that's enough out of me. Hope everybody's having a good day out there. I'm feeling much better this morning, so thankful for that. :l:l:l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

I'm glad you're feeling better today, Stuck. You'll regain that physical progress you made fairly quickly. Nothing is lost. It just really sucks having to go through all the panic and anxiety all over again. I hope it'll be a little easier for you this time since you only had one night/day of drinking, after a week of nothing. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now, too. I hope you can take your mind off it here and there, and find some time to just relax and have fun tomorrow (that is, if you also have the day off). Anyway, hang in there :l:l

Today was completely useless. My husband and I went grocery shopping. Outside of that, I've been sitting on my ass, watching tv and reading pointless crap on the internet. It's been raining all day, so I haven't really felt like going anywhere. Oh, and I'm smoking weed again. That's never good for motivation. Now that this is my third day in a row, I'm getting used to it again and can actually put thoughts together (I think. Hopefully I won't read this and delete it first thing tomorrow). Good thing I have to put the pipe down tomorrow for another month. Tomorrow I will actually venture out and do something, rain or shine. I hope you all have a great night :l

[kronkcarr]

Here we go again

Lis,

I wrote a post back when you came home from camping. My connection was horrible and it didn't post. I was so happy for you. You sound stronger, more self assured and not so apologetic and down on yourself. Isn't your world amazing compared to where you were when you started posting here? Keep on.

[Ne/Neva Eva]

Here we go again

Food hangover. Ugh. I gotta admit, I'm still ambivalent about the whole using-other-things thing. I've never liked anything but booze, though, and I hate Ed's behavior when he's high, so I'm not unbiased. That said, I'm making a stop in Colorado next year when we cross the country. (Assuming I can. I will hopefully be gainfully employed and subjected to the same restrictions as you are, Lis.)

Sorry, too, about your Fr/Sa, Stuck. I drank some wine on Saturday night and aargh. Booze sucks. I wasn't incredibly hungover on Sunday, but sure did feel like nothing was ever going to be okay again. Dreadful. Plus it was really cheap, too-sweet sparkling wine. I definitely wanted to get out of my head space on Saturday, but the price is too steep. I am really, really hoping for you that it gets easier. (I also took an anti-anxiety on Sunday, and the rebound from that, for me, is also painful.)

Still depressed, still struggling with that obsessive anxiety when I first wake. It is a terrible way to start the day. Still not sure what I'm going to do about it. But all other things are just about okay, for most of the day. pfffft.

Hope your first day back is a good one, Lis. Hi and thoughts to all the other posters. (Where are you peeps?)
xo

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Thanks, kronk. My world really is amazing now. It's hard to believe it's only been two and a half months since this previously desperately sad woman started posting here.

Ne - I know what you mean about hating other people's behavior when they're high. My husband sporadically smokes without me through the rest of the month and he's annoying as hell when he's high. When we're both high together, though, it's pretty fun. I'm kind of embarrassed now to have posted about it. I feel like this is the only place where I can be completely honest, but then sometimes start to regret putting it out there. I am aware that there are probably people out there who are shaking their heads at me, or who think that my sobriety the last few days doesn't count because I haven't refrained from using ALL mind-altering substances. Oh well. Smoky time is now officially over for the next month anyway.

Ne, I also posted a suggestion about the anxiety over on your thread. I don't know if it's at all helpful, but I do hope you find a better way to ease in to the day soon. I'll be back later. Just wanted to pop in real quick while I'm being lazy this morning. Hope it's a good day for everyone :l

[Lostinspace]

Here we go again

Well today I couldn't get out quite as much as I was hoping. I forgot that the buses don't even run on major holidays. Luckily my husband was just working in his shop today, rather than at someone's house, so he was able to drop me off at a local park for a few hours. I had a picnic lunch down by the lake, then went for a really long walk. Today has been another craving-free day. Anyway, I don't have much to say tonight. I hope you're all having a great night :l

[bkyogagurl]

Here we go again

Hey Lis-

That sounds like a nice thing to be doing. So glad to hear you are having an anti-craving day.

I am home from the holiday and wish I could say I didn't drink but I didn't & got after it heavily a couple of those nights. Felt pretty shitty by today and will be glad to be riding the AF horse for a while.
I was thinking that I wish I could make it til Thanksgiving but I have never made such a long time AF.
I am also considering revisiting the naltrexone method.

Big hug for you,